Chapter 13 #2
"I started thinking about everything I'd always wanted to do and kept putting off because my career wouldn't allow it.
Elite sports gives you a lot, Kate—but I think you'd agree it takes things away from you too.
" She pauses again, letting the words settle.
"I love to travel. And I realized that even though I'd been to a lot of countries, I'd never actually seen any of them.
So I wrote down that I wanted to travel—and then that I'd sign up for a cooking class and a ceramics class. "
Kate looks at her and lets out a small laugh through her nose.
"And did you?"
"Absolutely. I actually did three cooking classes, and I dropped the ceramics one because the clay drying on my hands drove me crazy."
Kate laughs again.
"I traveled too—only the cities I actually wanted to see. I started making time for friends I hadn't seen in years. I was the one steering my own life instead of the sport doing it for me. And I realized I could be happy that way too."
"And how did you become—this? A coach, I guess?"
"That's one way to put it. It started with a former teammate.
A year after I retired, something similar happened to her and she called me in a panic, asking for advice.
I had nothing going on, so I flew to her country and spent a month with her—guiding her, being there.
And when I saw that I'd spared her all the suffering I went through at the beginning, I felt so complete that I decided to get trained and make it my work. "
Kate runs her finger along her scar while Rachel watches her from the corner of her eye.
"What about you?" Rachel asks. "Is there something you've always wanted to do that your schedule never allowed?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Nothing's coming to me right now."
"How about we make it an exercise? Think about it over the next few days—no pressure—and we'll talk it through as you go."
"Okay," Kate agrees, confident this is something she can do.
"Do you have family?"
"Yes. In Australia."
"Do you talk to them? Do they know what's going on?" Rachel asks.
"Yes. I talk to my mom a couple of times a week, and to my brother Conor. He's the one I'm closest to."
"Good—leaning on the people we love matters. This is a hard thing to swallow, and so much harder if you try to do it alone."
"I have Diane. I'm not alone."
Kate goes still after she hears herself say it, and her heart starts hammering when she realizes her words were honest—she does have Diane, she feels that woman's support in every gesture and every word out of her mouth—but she doesn't feel like she has Leire's support, even knowing Leire is out there.
"Hey." Rachel gently brushes her arm. "Where did you go?"
The redhead turns and looks at her, finding a warmth in Rachel's blue eyes that closes her throat.
"Sorry," she murmurs.
"It's okay." Rachel runs her hand along Kate's back in a soft, steadying gesture—and Kate blinks back anger when she feels the comfort it gives her, because something that simple is exactly what she needs from Leire right now.
For it to be her who's here, not a stranger. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Kate chews the inside of her cheek a few times.
"Are you a therapist too?"
"No, but I'm human and I notice things. And Diane may have told me a little more."
Kate stares at her.
"She told you about Leire?" she asks, eyes wide.
"She didn't tell me her name, but yes—she mentioned there's a woman who has you pretty torn up. She also told me to tell you she's a snitch."
Kate bursts out laughing. It doesn't surprise her at all that Diane couldn't care less about being caught.
"I'm sorry for being so blunt—but if this woman affects you this much, it's important for me to know. Because in moments like this we need our people close, and your girl isn't here."
"She's not my girl," Kate snaps, and Rachel goes quiet, waiting. "Is what we talk about confidential?"
Rachel smiles as she nods.
"Yes. I signed an agreement with your attorney—but even if I hadn't, I promise you can trust me."
The redhead is still stunned, and she starts wondering how long her coach has been planning this—but decides she doesn't care.
She feels surprisingly at ease talking to Rachel Collins.
She's also figured out that it's easier to open up to a stranger.
With her she can talk without holding back, let everything she keeps buried so she won't worry the people she loves most come to the surface in front of this woman who's only here to listen and will leave afterward and forget all about her.
"What did Diane tell you?"
"Just enough—that you two have a relationship that went from sexual to something more intense, and that you live in secret, in stolen moments, because she's not ready to come out of the closet."
"I have to respect that. No one can force another person to come out before they're ready," Kate says, "but lately it feels like nothing is ever enough. What used to be enough leaves me hollow now—this empty ache in my chest all the time."
"How long have you two been like this?" Rachel has turned toward her.
"Three years."
"I was married when my injury happened." Kate's surprised eyes lift.
"I married my high school girlfriend two years before—she was the only woman I'd ever been with—and she left me when I turned bitter.
Said I was unbearable, that living with me was impossible.
At the time I thought she was right. I had become a nightmare who complained about everything.
But later I understood it was just an excuse—she ran the moment I needed her most. I'm telling you this because it makes sense that you need Leire and feel like nothing fills the gap.
You need her here, not thousands of miles away.
I'm not one to pressure anyone into doing something they're not ready for either—but that's not really the question.
The question is how much you're willing to keep taking. "
"I don't follow."
"What she needs is one thing, and what you need is another, Kate—and I don't think you've been factoring in your side of it.
You've reshaped your life around the condition of hiding, settling for whatever scraps that leaves you.
A relationship isn't about settling. It's about sharing—being on the same page, wanting the same things or close to it. "
"I'm still lost..." she whispers, even though she understands perfectly.
"All I'm saying is that you need to know where your limit is—how much you can take before it hollows you out.
You're settling for so little, and you know damn well you deserve so much more.
If Leire isn't ready to move forward with you, maybe you need to think about moving forward on your own.
I know that's easy to say. But your career is at a critical point and you need to be at a hundred percent mentally to face what's coming. "
"I already have." Kate's voice comes out so low that Rachel has to lean in to hear her.
"What?"
"I've already made a decision. Leire just doesn't know it yet," she admits in the same quiet voice, looking down at her palms.
"What decision?"
"I'm going to talk to her. And if things don't change between us—even a little—when I retire, it'll be over between us too."
Kate's face is wet with tears by the time she finishes speaking, and Rachel holds back the impulse to hold her, because they're not there yet.