Chapter 46
Nikita
We spend the rest of the sunset kissing, laughing and talking,
It’s the most relaxed I have felt in, what feels like, forever. The sun has disappeared for the night, the sky slowly turning dark, but Calvin and I remain where we are. There is never a moment of silence between us as we speak about anything and everything.
“How often do you see your dad?” Calvin asks as we land on talking about family.
“Not as often as I should,” I admit, “The last time I saw him was for his birthday and that was about six months ago. I surprised him that weekend, but I need to make a trip out there again to see him.”
My father refuses to move out of our three-bedroom family home in the small town of Sunnydale Park, an hour outside of the bustling city of Miami. My mother had picked the house when they got married. I know it’s his way of still being close to her, even after all these years. Jay and I went our own ways, leaving our childhood home behind, but our father will not move. I respect that.
Thinking of my father brings back Calvin’s confession about his own father. I play with his fingers as his hand rests in my lap, and curiosity takes over. “Have you ever thought about visiting your dad?” I slowly lift my eyes to meet his, trying to get a read on whether or not I crossed a line. “Sorry, how insensitive of me. We don’t have to talk about him if-”
“I don’t mind.” He shakes his head and gives my hand a squeeze. “Honestly? No. There’s too much resentment so I don’t think that visit would go very well.”
“Has he ever tried to reach out to you?”
“When I was still a kid, yeah. He would leave messages with my mom for me, and after she passed, they were left with my grandparents, but I wasn’t ready.” I quietly observe him as he speaks. I watch as he disappears into his thoughts, sharing things with me that I guess have been buried for a long time. Far too long. “By the time I turned eighteen, I never heard from him again.”
My voice is soft, “I’m sorry for what you went through, Cal.” Giving his hand a squeeze, his eyes lift to mine and he offers me a small smile.
“It’s okay.” He runs his fingers through his curly hair. There’s a pause before he speaks again, this time shifting the conversation to me. “Have you ever spoken to Jay about the things you told me?”
I shake my head, “No, and I don’t plan on it. It was a long time ago.”
He eyes me curiously, making me wonder what is going on in that mind of his. There is no point in me bringing up anything like that with my brother. Far too many years have passed for it to be something of relevance now. There was a time to speak, but now it is time to heal. I thought I had been doing well with that, but losing my job, apartment and the state of my life currently, the thoughts of self-doubt and inadequacy returned.
Calvin finally speaks again, “I think I’m finally starting to understand you better, Da Silva.”
“I thought I told you not to psycho-analyze me.”
“I’m not. It’s merely an observation.”
I chuckle as my eyes roll, “And what have you observed?”
“You’re incredibly self-reliant, because you were forced to be. You’ve convinced yourself that your own experiences were nowhere close to what others were going through so they weren’t worth mentioning. You still gaslight yourself into believing that it’s true and in turn, you make sure that the only person you will ever count on will be yourself.”
Calvin knocks the breath right out my lungs at the accuracy of his words. It is eerily accurate, “How did you…”
“Because I’ve done the same.” His admission reveals a layer of vulnerability in his voice. “My father got arrested and that wrecked my mother.” I keep my hand in his, allowing him the chance to share and know that I am here to listen, “I thought my mom would realize we were better off without him but from the day he was arrested, she only grew more and more depressed. Whenever I needed something, I felt too guilty to have to ask her. I didn’t want to burden her with my own shit. She died two years after he got arrested and even though it says she died of pneumonia, I think it was a broken heart.” My heart yearns for him and the child that was forced into those circumstances.
“I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for you.”
“That’s life.” He shrugs. “Just wish I could shrug off the resentment, you know? It’s a bitch,” he says with a small laugh, attempting to alleviate the heavy tension of this conversation.
“Tell me about it.” I give his hand a squeeze, “I felt so much resentment towards my parents growing up, but when my mom got sick, it didn’t matter anymore.”
He nods. “When death is on your doorstep, it’s much easier to give people a clean slate.”
“I suppose it comes down to whether or not they deserve your forgiveness before they go.” The grief I carry around over my mother’s death rises to the surface. “My mom did. I know there was no malicious intent from my parent’s with the way they would favor Jay over me. It hurt me, of course it did, but when she got sick,” I shake my head, “She had suffered enough. The least I could do was forgive her, even if it wasn’t something I said out loud.”
I feel Calvin play with my fingers as I will the tears to stay put. I take a deep breath in, trying to pump the brakes on my emotions.
“That was the best thing you could have done for yourself.”
Our understanding of each other deepens with each secret we share. This thing, whatever it may be, between us, intensifies through conversations like this. With Calvin, I feel seen, and I’d like to think I am making him feel the same since he continues to open up to me.
“I’ve done everything I could in my adult life to make sure I don’t end up like my father.” His voice lowers, emotion making an appearance. “I guess I was desperate to prove that I could make a success of myself without making the kind of decisions he did. I had to figure it all out by myself, but I did. Once I decide to do something, I have to see it through. It’s how I’m wired. I will make sure I will not be what he is.”
His admission is terrifying to me because of the effect it’s having on that pesky thing in my chest. I am filled with this deep need to comfort the teenage version of Calvin Rhodes. The one that was forced to forge his own path without the love and support he deserved. He presents himself as someone far removed from his emotions, but he’s revealing the truth to me. Calvin feels it all, no matter how much he pretends he doesn’t.
“My father was just as stubborn,” he continues to share, “His problem was that he was too stubborn. Even when he had gotten himself involved in shit that he should have stayed away from, he would not retreat or back down.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’ve spent years trying to figure out why he did the things that he did, but I don’t have the answers. All I know is, I don’t want to end up with the same fate so I keep my nose clean.”
There are no other words I can offer him except for these, “I’m sorry for what you went through.”
He looks over at me, his eyes softening as a small smile appears on his lips, “It’s okay, linda. It was a long time ago.”
“I know, but I’m still sorry.” The wind has pieces of my hair coming out of the bun I have pulled it into. I move them out of my face as I speak, “But these are the fun things that make us who we are, right?” I try to lighten the mood and I am relieved when Calvin chuckles.
“Indeed. Thanks mom and dad for the trauma.”
I laugh, recognizing that self-deprecating humor I have too. “That is the just of it.”
He shifts on the bench, moving closer to me. Placing his arm behind me, I lean into him welcoming his embrace, “But I suppose we can’t be too harsh, can we? Our parents were also doing life for the first time.”
I’ve never thought of it that way. When you’re growing up, you look up to your parents. Everything you know in life starts from what they teach you - both good and bad. Sometimes people get it right and sometimes they don’t. Behind the label of being a parent are human beings that are figuring life out as they go along. Mistakes will be made, but unfortunately, those mistakes can leave lasting impressions on others.
“That’s a very compassionate perspective.”
“It’s something new I’m trying out.”
My head rests against his arm as I look up to meet his eyes, “I like it.”
“I like you.”
His words catch me by surprise because as much as Calvin is abrupt and direct, he is also someone who plays his hand close to his chest. “Yeah?”
Leaning in for a kiss, he responds with his lips against mine, “Yeah.” I feel his fingers brush against my cheek before they move into my hair, pulling me closer to him as our kiss deepens. My ability to think straight is impossible right now as I succumb to the overwhelming feelings emanating from my chest.
Pulling away, he leans his forehead against mine, “Thank you for being here with me.”
“You’re welcome,” I murmur, “I’m glad that I’m here.”
“Have you ever been to New York?” He asks.
“Once, when I was in high school, but I haven’t been back since.”
“Would you like to go again?”
I rake my fingers through his hair, “Why? Do you want me to come and visit you?”
“I’d be lying if I said no.”
There my heart goes again, beating out of time and fogging up my brain with the feelings that Calvin brings out of me with his words. I turn my body towards him, bringing my legs up onto the bench and crossing them. His hand moves to rest on my thigh and I fold my fingers around his, “I thought this thing between us has an expiry date.”
His dark eyes met mine, apprehension in them. I feel it too. “Is that what you want?”
The truth is that I don’t want this to end. I am more interested in seeing where this can go because something about Calvin draws me in and there is so much more to be discovered about him. “No.”
“No?”
I shake my head, “No.”
“I’m so glad you said that.” His eyes light up, a flicker of surprise and overall, relief in them. I can’t stop the smile on my lips as I lean closer to him, his lips finding mine once more. Warmth wraps itself around my heart and the barrier I have up to stop myself from falling for Calvin is quickly being brought down with each moment spent with him.
“Want to get out of here?” I ask softly, my words against his lips.
“Yes.”
* * *
Calvinand I spent the rest of the night in the hotel room, wrapped up in each other. I feel consumed by him, and there is no tearing us apart. Between fucking on every surface we could, we also lay in each other’s arms sharing the deepest parts of ourselves that have never been exposed to the surface. In the hotel room, I don’t think of anything that has to do with the outside world. I remain present in every moment with him, because I don’t want them to end.
I don’t want our time together to end.
As much as Calvin says this arrangement doesn’t have an expiry date, I’m not sure how this will be navigated when we are back home. He has recently gotten out of a relationship, he lives in New York, he is my brother’s best friend and those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. I have so much that needs to be sorted out in my own life - how will that affect this thing between us? I’m not even sure what this is, but I know I like him. A lot. More than I expected, and a part of me is terrified that I will end up hurt if this is to implode.
I push that out of my mind as best as I can and focus on enjoying what little time we have left together, but when the bachelor and bachelorette party rolls around at the end of the week, we are forced out of our little bubble again.
Calvin and I are in the lobby of the hotel where we were instructed to meet.
“So…” I turn to Calvin resting my hand against his chest, peering up at him, “Will there be a stripper?”
“I would be surprised if there wasn’t one.”
I grimace. “And are you,” I swallow and straighten up, “Are you a stripper guy?”
“A stripper guy?” He repeats, amusement flashing in his eyes as his arms wrap around my waist. “What does that mean?”
“A guy that likes strippers. A frequent stripper watcher. I’m not sure how else to say it.”
He pulls me closer to him, taking my breath away. “The only woman I am interested in watching strip is you.”
A smile forms on my lips, my body humming with arousal at the fresh memories of how we spent the last twenty-four hours getting lost in each other, “That can be arranged.”
Leaning into the crook of my neck, he places a quick kiss sending a rush over my body. “Have I told you how good you look?”
“You have not.”
“Shame on me.” He clicks his tongue, “Cause you look fucking incredible.”
Before my body can completely cave to him again, Kendra bursts into the lobby, strutting on her wedges over to where people have all started to gather. “Oh good! You guys are already here.” She starts to do a headcount over us. “Britney is on her way down.” She pauses for a moment, looking around. “I see Violet is still missing.” Frustration lacing her words before her eyes land on Calvin. “Calvin, you’re with the guys. Not here, so move along.” She uses her hands to gesture him away from us. A deadpan expression drops over his face before he turns back to me. He opens his mouth to speak but Kendra jumps in, “Do you have identification with you, Nikita?”
I shake my head confused, “No, do I need it?”
“We’re going to a club. What do you think?”
“I think that I’m twenty-eight and there’s no way they’re going to ask for my ID,” I respond dryly.
“This is not America, honey, we don’t know if we’re going to need to provide our IDs, but fine, if you get stopped you can spend the night outside.” Sending a look of judgment my way, she turns on her heels and moves onto someone else.
“She’s going to make some man really happy one day,” Calvin says, dryly.
My laugh turns to a groan when I think about the possibility, no matter how slim it might be, that they may need me to provide identification. I open my hand to Calvin, “Key, please.”
He laughs, “Are you serious? They won’t ask you.”
“I know that, but I’d rather not be on the receiving end of any wrath from Kendra tonight. I’m trying to keep my night as pleasant as possible.”
Pulling out his wallet, he takes the key card out as he laughs, “That’s probably wise.”
A boisterous racketing echoes throughout the lobby as the rest of the groomsmen spill out of the elevator. “Boys, the car is here! Let’s go!” One of them shouts, I’m not sure which one.
Calvin pulls me to him, his lips finding mine as a chorus of child-like whistles surround us. My stomach dips as warmth spreads across my chest. I would have been more than happy to head back upstairs and spend the rest of our numbered days locked in the room with him. But that isn’t possible. This is one of the last activities before Britney and Kenneth’s big day.
Calvin pulls away, but remains close to me, “I’ll see you later.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.” He brings his lips against my forehead. “I’m going to need it.”
Paul steps off the latest elevator that arrives, “Kenneth is on his way down! This way!”
Calvin groans silently in my direction, making me laugh before he moves to join the group as they head out of the hotel. With a smile still on my face, I move to go grab my identification I know I won’t need.
A quick trip upstairs means I now have my card in the small sling bag resting across my body. I opted for a backless deep burgundy dress that wraps around my curves (and thankfully, hides that ridiculous burn I still have). The neckline is high and the sleeves long. After putting the key card away in my bag to make sure I don’t lose it, I hear the sound of voices arguing. I pop my head up, looking around, but there is no one in sight.
“You told me this wouldn’t happen!” One of the voices says.
“I didn’t think it would get this far.”
I slowly move towards the voices, trying to see where they are coming from. “This far?” A recognizable voice shrieks, as the other person warns them to keep it down.
Go downstairs, Nikita. This is none of your business.
The voice in my head is right, but the Nosy Nelly in me has me continue moving towards the voices that are now increasing in volume.
“You’re getting married in two days, Kenneth! Two. Days!”
Kenneth?
The sound of a door being yanked open has me jumping behind the nearest wall, careful to keep from being seen.
See, this is why you stay out of other people’s business.
I am not proud of this trait of mine, but whatever, no one is perfect. I lean forward, getting a glimpse of figures standing in the doorway of the room at the end. Kenneth’s back is turned to me as he reaches for…
Violet?!
I jerk back behind the wall, needing to stay out of view of them, but my eyes widen. What the hell are Kenneth and Violet doing together? Kenneth tries to keep his voice hushed down, but the man doesn’t know how to whisper, “Vi, baby, you know I don’t want this.”
“You told me you loved me, Ken, was that all a lie?” Violet sounds exasperated and my stomach drops. “Was I just a casual fuck for you?”
Violet and Kenneth are having an affair? Britney’s ‘best-friend’ and her fiancé? That is next level fucked up.
“Of course not. I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. I still love you,” Kenneth tries to reassure her.
Is this why Violet left Calvin? She was fucking his friend? I ‘m starting to feel as if I have stepped into an episode of Days of our Lives. I hear the door slam and my legs react before my mind, moving me in the opposite direction as I head towards the elevator and away from being seen. I make no point to look back, hoping that my movements are subtle enough to have not been noticed by either of them.
I rush into the elevator and welcome the fact that no one else steps inside, giving me time to process what I have just learned. Violet and Kenneth?! They are having an affair! This is unbelievable.
Poor Britney.
I am well-aware that these aren’t my friends, and the whole reason I’m here in the first place is an arrangement between Calvin and I, but I can’t help but feel bad. Britney is meant to walk down the aisle in two days, but her soon to be husband is having an affair with her best friend of all people and she’s none the wiser.
What the hell am I supposed to do with this information now?
I reach for my phone as the elevator doors open onto the lobby. I find Calvin’s number and type him a message.
Nikita
Cal, I need to speak to you. Now.
But when it fails to deliver I am reminded that without WiFi, there is no way this message is going through.
Fuck.
“Finally, you’re back!” Kendra yanks at my wrist, pulling my attention back to the present. The sound of the elevator doors open behind us. “And there’s Violet! Finally! Where the hell have you been?”
Instead of turning back to where Violet is, I make my way over to where Britney stands. She is laughing with one of her cousins as Kendra calls for us to follow her out of the hotel. I don’t know what this evening is going to bring, but it definitely isn’t going to be a party.