Chapter 53
Nikita
Did I change my flight to the first one out of the country to put enough distance between Calvin and I? Yes, I did. Is that the mature way to handle this situation? Probably not, but my desperate need to protect what I can of my heart controls my decision making.
It’s important for me to re-erect the walls around my heart since I’m clearly onto something with that decision. My fight-or-flight shifted into first gear, sending me straight out of Portugal. I’m not going to go to Jay right now, instead, I bought a ticket to visit my father.
A trip back home will put everything into perspective and hopefully, in the next couple of days, I will start to have more clarity on what I want for my future. I am also hoping the distance between me and Calvin will allow the world I once knew to return. It was better when I didn’t know anything of substance about him.
My father is more than happy to take me in, “I can’t wait to see you, querida. I will have to stock the cupboards with that hot chocolate and marshmallows you love so much.”
Tears brim my eyes, “Obrigado, pai. See you soon.”
My total travel time is fast approaching thirteen hours if you include the three-hour delay my flight had, where I spent the entire time sick to my stomach as I mulled over my decision to leave without telling Calvin. I feel bad about it, but this is the best decision for both of us. His projection onto me was misplaced, I knew that, but all that did was remind me of all the reasons why he and I would be a terrible idea.
There’s a reason we’ve been like oil and water over the years. We don’t like each other, we’re not good for each other. It is a disaster waiting to happen.
At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
When I land back on American soil my phone explodes with notifications, sending my stomach straight to the ground as Calvin’s name pops up, repetitively.
Calvin
Nikita, where are you? I need to talk to you.
Calvin
Please don’t tell me that you left without telling me. I need to know that you’re okay.
Calvin
I’m going out of my fucking mind here.
Calvin
Nikita, please. I’ve tried calling your brother, but he doesn’t know anything. I just need to know you’re okay, linda.
That nickname doesn’t help with the whole we-would-be-a-bad-idea thing. Sure, he has his sweet moments, but it was short lived. It’s better for both of us if I remove myself from the situation, distancing myself from the possibility of further rejection. It isn’t something I am good at being on the receiving end of. I have felt it my whole life, I can’t take it anymore.
Stopping by one of the pillars of the parking area, I wait for my dad to arrive. My phone starts to vibrate, when I think it will be my dad’s name I see, my brother’s name flashes instead.
This is expected. I take a deep breath in and answer, “Jo?o, tudo bem?”
“Nikita Maria Ribeiro Da Silva, have you lost your fucking mind?!” I move the phone from my ear, being caught off guard by the volume at which he speaks. My brother never shouts.
Oof, I’m in trouble.
“Jay, calm down,” I caution.
“Calm down?! Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? How worried Calvin has been? He’s driving me fucking crazy!”
“Two swear words in one conversation? Here I was thinking you were too zen for that.”
“Don’t try to make jokes now. You’re lucky pai was so excited about your sudden trip to visit him that he called me to see if I would join too. At least that helped me know you were still alive and you hadn’t been kidnapped, cut up and fed to wild animals.”
“Meu deus, Jay, dial it down. I’m fine.”
I hear him exhale through the line, taking a moment before he responds “What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I wanted to come home.”
“And you couldn’t let Calvin know?”
“I-” I don’t know what to say so I shut my mouth, biting at the inside of my lip in an attempt to alleviate my guilt.
“You?” He tries to pry a response out of me, “I know you hate the guy, but damn Kita, you could have left him a god-damn note if texting is too much of a mission.”
I sigh, shifting into my defense mechanism of deflection, “Are you done with the lecture? I’m fine. You can hear my voice and I will send you a selfie so you have proof if this conversation isn’t enough.”
There is silence before I hear a cough on the other end, and then another vocal inhale from my brother. “You could have come here.”
“I know.” My voice is small now, “I just need some time to figure things out, mano. My apartment is fucked. I need a job, but truthfully I don’t actually know what I want to do now. Or in my life for that matter. I thought I’d want to go back to being a flight attendant, but I don’t think I do…”
And I think I’m falling in love with your best friend.
You stupid, stupid girl.
I finish my sentence with an alternative ending, “And I want to see dad.”
That is partly true.
“I understand that, mana. I just wish you would have let someone know. You sent Calvin into a tailspin. He probably thought I was going to murder him, which I did consider when he first told me, but I then thought about my free accommodation in New York with him and voted against it.”
A small laugh falls from my lips, but it’s forced. I am too focused on the influx of emotions I am trying to work through. Falling for Calvin was never part of the plan. Hell, it isn’t something I would have anticipated would be an issue, but lo and behold. I don’t want to feel this way about him. I have far too much I need to deal with without adding complicated feelings to the mix. And feelings I didn’t know would be reciprocated either. The possibility of rejection like that has me terrified enough to take the easy way out. It is easier for me to put an end to this before either of us find ourselves in too deep.
Too late for that.
The rush Calvin sends through my body sinks deeper than that, connecting with my heart and soul. There is something about that damn man and I hate that I can’t shake him off like I can with everything and everyone else. I trained myself to be impervious to anything that can hurt me - fake it until it’s true kind of situation - but with him, it is impossible.
“Kita?” My brother’s voice pulls me from my own thoughts.,”You still there?”
I snap back. “I’m here.”
“Please can you just let Calvin know you’re alive.”
No thanks. “Why don’t you do it?”
“Why do I have to do it?”
“He’s your friend,” I argue.
“But you were the one who went overseas with him, not me.”
“Jay, please,” I implore.
There is a brief moment before he speaks again, “What happened between you two?”
“Nothing,” I answer quickly, “Absolutely nothing.”
“Then why can’t you message him?”
“Deixe!” I snap.”Dad’s going to be here any moment now, can I call you later?”
“Kita, talk to me.”
I take a deep breath in, willing the tears to stay put. They make an appearance thanks to the sincerity in my brother’s voice. He cares more about others than himself and years of therapy has allowed him to become more articulate in communicating his emotions. Something he tries to get me to do too, but I still struggle. Maybe I need therapy too.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I lie.
“I can always tell when you’re lying.”
The sound of honking catches my attention. I snap my head up and there my father is, waving excessively from the driver’s seat. My heart warms at the sight of him and my throat tightens with emotion.
“Mano, dad just got here. Can we put a pin in this?”
“Fine, but don’t think I’m going to forget. You can always speak to me, mana, no matter what it is.”
“I know. Love you.”
“Love you too. Say hi to dad for me.”
We disconnect the call as I make my way over to where my father has parked. My phone vibrates in my hand, alerting me to a new text. Glancing down, Calvin’s name returns to my screen.
Calvin
Jay told me you’re okay. Thank God.
Calvin
Please talk to me, linda. I’m sorry.
The dull ache in my chest is an unwelcome reaction but Calvin has a different kind of hold on me now. I want to message him and apologize for running. I want to tell him that my feelings for him cloud my judgment and I’m so desperate to protect my heart from him that I decide to break my own instead. He can’t hurt me or put an inevitable end to this if I do it first.
But I don’t. Instead, I ignore his texts.
“Querida!” My father’s arms are around me before I have time to register that he’s gotten out of the car, “It’s so good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too, pai.” I squeeze, tightening my hold on him as I truly embrace my father’s comfort.
That is exactly what I needed right now.