Chapter 4
L iam
It was the day after the kickoff party, just past noon, and I was waking up to huge wood and a seriously ravenous appetite. Which to take care of first? The hard-on or the hollow stomach? As easy as it would be to text Bella, Lana, or any of the girls who usually waited on us hand and cock, I didn’t want to deal with their chatter, questions about my life, what it’s like to be famous, or how to score with Wes, Corbin, or Tucker. Blah, blah, and more blah.
In an ideal world, if I was going to spend that kind of energy talking to a girl, I wanted her interests to match mine, so I wouldn’t have to explain what it’s like. I wanted to be completely taken by her charms. I wanted someone who made me want to ask the questions.
Such a woman had made it into my life only once before—senior year in high school. Later, I’d broken her heart, then she’d gone and married a high-powered lawyer ten years older than she was, but not before she’d dealt with some serious shit. Shit I’d been a huge factor in creating.
Of course, thinking of Vanessa made my wood go away. Which was fine, since I had to get up anyway, eat something, and run to the buses. Checking my phone, I saw about eighteen missed texts and calls. Dude, what was everybody’s panic at the start of every tour? We’d done a North American tour three times now, and not once had the world ended. People seriously needed to chill.
One text was from my high school buddy Garrick Maze, asking if I was excited to be heading out. Another was from Helen asking if I was awake yet, and another was from Giselle with a smooth, sunlit selfie and a “ Bonjour, beau ,” which she always sent me.
Ah, Miss Vici, how stunningly beautiful she still was. A world-class supermodel, she was also the only girl I’d ever been remotely interested in, post-Vanessa. She had as much money as I did, so I knew she didn’t want me for that.
I scrolled through Internet pic after Internet pic of her. Her name should’ve been Gazelle Vici with those legs— holy shit. Last year, Giselle took a three-month break to go on tour with us, and it made for fantastic press, what with all the photos of us partying together, holding hands, doing shots, or making out in public. Fucking A! She was great for my ego. But Giselle hooked up with Corbin, too, near the end of the tour, and there was some bad vibes for a bit. I wouldn’t be dramatic and say she nearly broke up the band, but I was kind of hurt.
For like twenty minutes.
Giselle had been messaging me a few weeks now, sending racy pics and texts like: “Hé bébé, I miss you so much. Plz let me come along? I swear I behave.” But I’d been strategically ignoring her. Last I heard, she was spending time with her mother in Vancouver, one of the stops on our tour this year. She’d probably show up at our concert there. In a way, I kind of wished she would. A bad girl always made the news. A bad girl appearing with a bad boy… Well, that would just make more headlines. Something we could never get enough of.
The truth was, however, I wasn’t really interested in seeing Giselle any more than I’d been interested in Bella last night. No, there was only one girl who was managing to hold my interest. One girl I couldn’t stop thinking about.
One girl I was hoping enjoyed the flowers I’d sent her.
Abby.
Maybe the flowers were too much, but I’d been driven by some inexplicable need to make sure she was happy working for us. It would suck to spend three months of your life thinking your bosses were a bunch of assholes, right?
But even more important, I didn’t want her to think badly of me. I didn’t want her to think that what she’d witnessed at the party last night was all I was about.
Why did I care so much about her opinion?
No clue, to be honest.
Yeah, she was beautiful and elegant, and I could probably get her to give it up. I mean, I did see her eyes moving over me last night, checking me out. A tryst with her would be fucking hot, but—no. Despite the way she continued to invade my thoughts, I had to keep things real.
A woman like Abby would want more, and more was something I couldn’t give her. Not now. No fucking way.
I was firmly entrenched in a rock ’n’ roller’s wild life, and that wasn’t about to calm down in the foreseeable future. Hell, why would I want it to? I was young, and I knew these days of fame and women weren’t going to last forever. I didn’t even want them to. But for now, it was fun. It was what my bandmates and I had worked so hard for.
I had to stick with women who knew the score. Women like Bella and Giselle. That way, I could live the life I wanted, free and as raunchy as all get-out, without worrying that I’d repeat past mistakes and hurt another woman the way I’d hurt Vanessa.
Back then, I’d had the excuse of being a snot-nosed, wide-eyed kid adjusting to a new life as a freaking rock star. Today, I had to be the man I was and do the right thing.
For myself.
And for Abby.
And that meant staying away from her.
By the time we finally got our asses on the six-hour stretch of road, it was already one p.m. Luckily, our roadies, rigging crew, and lighting technicians left twelve hours earlier than we did, so they were in San Francisco setting up our elaborate new stage before we even got the sleeper bus cranking. We wouldn’t be performing until after our opening act, Orifice, finished anyway. Our backup musicians were probably already on the road, too. Abby would be on that bus.
Despite the little “come to Jesus” talk I’d given myself earlier, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I wondered if she liked her flowers.
I wondered if she’d taken them and the wine with her on the bus or left them at the hotel.
I wondered why I was wondering about Abby.
Again.
The ride to San Fran was full of the usual, “Has anyone seen my drumsticks?” “Dude, can you lower the fucking Xbox, I’m trying to sleep.” “Does anyone want to play Grand Theft Auto?” “Can you tell the driver to lower the AC in the back?” “Can you tell the driver to…”
Finally, Robbie piped up and told Tucker, “Geoffrey. The driver’s name is Geoffrey. New Rule Number One: Learn the bus driver’s name. ”
I firmly agreed with that new rule. Not so much because it cut down on the number of times we had to hear Tucker say, “the driver, the driver,” but because our lives were in his hands, so my man Geoffrey here was a fucking part of the family. “Respect your crew! Hey, Geoffrey!” I yelled.
From the front of the bus, Geoffrey waved, smiling eyes in the rearview mirror.
“Yes, Dad.” Tucker fake-snarled at Robbie, tossing a lanyard at me. “That’s for the venue.”
“Got it.”
Someone smacked me on the back of the head. Grabbing his arm before he could get away, I caught Wes smiling at me, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. It bobbed up and down as he spoke. “’Sup, my ninja? Heard you went home last night.”
“I couldn’t find a bed at Robbie’s.”
“You could have shared mine with Bellaaaa!” Corbin’s voice rang out from the seat across the row. “Bella, Bella, what you do for a fella!” He and Wes laughed and bumped fists. “But Liam went soft on me.”
Wes nodded suspiciously and turned to me for validation. “Is that so?”
“What? A guy can have downtime, you know.”
“I know.” Wes twisted a knuckle into my tense shoulder muscle. “Trust me, I know.”
Robbie stood at the front of the bus, phone in hand, and waved us all together. “Come on, guys. Group pic. Make it sweet for our scrapbook, and don’t be goons.”
We assembled in the center row and faced him—Wes crossing his arms, Corbin sticking his tongue out between V-shaped fingers, Tucker grabbing his crotch, and me in the middle, flipping up a nice, extended middle finger. “Say, ‘Fuck you, Robbie!’”
“Fuck you, Robbie!” everyone echoed me.
We held our pose until Robbie took a series of shots, then he shook his head and sat down again. “Goons. But I love them.”
Once we arrived at AT&T Park, the crowd was howling, the energy was pumping, and Orifice finished their set. It was T minus five minutes when I called the guys together backstage, and we stood in a circle, as usual. Some bands had crazy pre-show rituals, like downing tequila shots, punching each other in the balls, or rolling around in oil and glitter, but not us.
As gay as it sounded, we just held hands. We prayed for a good show. Not that we were particularly into God or anything, but we were pretty spiritual. This time, though, I wanted to add something new. After all, we were starting our first fucking world tour. Our stagehand assistant, Daniel, ran over with a box I’d asked him to pack while we were still in LA.
“What is this?” Corbin asked, hands on hips, all lanky cool.
“Confetti cannons,” I said. “Everybody take one.”
“What do they do?” Wes reached into the box and grabbed a big, black tube.
“You shove it up your ass.” My snark was in full-on mode tonight. “Bro, you’ve never seen one of these? When I say go, just twist and pull. Don’t point it at anyone. Just straight up.”
Wes, Corbin, Tuck, and I each raised a cannon, touching the tips in the center of our circle. Even gayer than the handholding, now that I thought about it. “Let’s do this. Let’s show them why we’re number one. Let’s give them what they came to see, boys. Motherfuckers, let’s murder this show. Ready? Go!”
Four simultaneous blasts of compressed air later, fireworks of colored paper strips exploded above us, raining down on our heads. The backstage crew clapped, cheered, and high-fived. I clapped at everyone watching, shook a few hands, and was keenly aware that I was looking for Cello Girl. I was hoping she’d see the blast.
“Guys, you’re on in sixty seconds,” Robbie said from behind a side panel .
We walked out single file in pure darkness, screams of fans reverberating throughout the venue. “POINT brEAK! POINT brEAK! POINT brEAK!” echoed all around. Always my favorite part, the calm before the storm. Taking my place at center stage, I closed my eyes and absorbed the potential energy about to turn kinetic.
I pulled the mic and cupped it around my mouth. “San Francisco…are you ready to feel the buuuurrrrrnnnnn ?” More shouts, as the boys began the opening refrain, the seats trembled with anticipation, cameras flashed, and hundreds of glowing screens filled the stadium. This—this was what I lived for.
We rocked the first seven songs, and there wasn’t a single person in the house sitting down. Then, we began the ballad that had propelled us to number one for eighteen weeks in a row— Save Me Tonight . Wesley began his signature guitar riff, and soon, my ears flooded with a beautiful sound—a powerful, rising string section that gave the song that complex added layer I’d been hoping for. Whoa! So different from the studio version, but man, this was just what this baby needed.
Streaks of violet and yellow appeared as a curtain of light behind the string section, darkening them in a silhouette that reminded me of that old movie Fantasia . Bows of violins slid up and down, and hands gripping bass and cello shook in vibrato. Fucking beautiful. I put my heart into it as best as I could, the only way I knew how, and right when I hit my trademark falsetto note, the crowd went wild. I dropped to my knees at the front of the stage—a praying man at the altar of rock ’n’ roll. “ Save meeee toniiiiiight! ”
Roaring voices echoed along with me. We were one, our fans and us.
Then boom—silence.
The bridge that Corbin usually picked up on bass was being played by the smooth, deep, rich sounds of a single, tenor string instrument. I couldn’t see her face, only her darkened outline, but I knew it was her—Cello Girl—Abby, bowing and swaying, making sweet love to the song—my song. Abby, rocking a fucking cello like nobody’s business.
The crowd—my rock ’n’ roll minions—went crazy for her.
Them showing her love made me smile. When the lights came on, I let her see just how awesome she was with two thumbs up. At first she didn’t catch it, she was so absorbed in the solo, passionately bowing away, but when she looked over again, I hit her with the Liam Collier grin, and she nodded in recognition.
A nod, not a flirty smile like I was hoping. Just a nod.
Man, she’d be a tough nut to crack.
But suddenly it hit me like a fucking tsunami.
My life was crazy as fuck. She wasn’t a girl who would put up with it. I didn’t want to hurt her, and she deserved better than me. But none of that mattered anymore.
I wanted her. I wanted to get to know her better. I wanted in her bed, inside her.
I wasn’t going to play games. I’d explain to her how it was. I’d give her a choice with no promises or false expectations. I’d give her every opportunity to tell me to go to hell.
But I was going to do whatever I could to make sure she didn’t.
After the show ended, I searched for her. Not obviously searched—I still had to shake hands with people, take pics with celebrities, and meet the winners of various fan club contests, but I was always on the lookout. A gaggle of groupies nearly knocked me over, hugging and playing with my hair. “Whoa there, girls. I’ll see you in the back room later. I have to go do…just one thing…”
“We’ll see you later, Liam,” a familiar hot blonde chimed in with a wink. She wore short shorts and a glittery, white tube top. Lord have mercy. “Don’t be late. ”
“Oh, I won’t.”
“Great show, buddy!” Robbie clapped me on the back. “And you were absolutely right about the string section. They sounded even better tonight than they did at rehearsal yesterday, and they were pretty awesome then.”
“Incredible. Really awesome. I’m like in serious shock.” I know I sounded facetious, but I totally meant it. And a twinge of guilt hit me just then, that I hadn’t been at rehearsal to hear it before the first show when the whole thing had been my idea.
“Good call, Liam,” he said. “Getting them was easy, too. Just called up Juilliard in NYC and said, ‘I need a few of your people.’” He laughed, pretending he was on the phone with his fingers.
“Fantastic,” I said, wiping my forehead with the towel someone handed me. “The girl who did the cello solo killed it.”
“Yes, she was great. Forgot her name.” Robbie tapped his forehead.
“Abby Chan,” I offered. A fair-skinned, raven-haired natural beauty. A girl who could tell Tucker to go to hell and still rock her classy string of pearls. Loved it!
Robbie eyed me like I was an alien who’d replaced the real Liam Collier. “Learned the driver’s name today and now the cellist’s? I’m impressed, Lee. Dare I say your twenty-second birthday has actually begun maturing you?” He smiled and smacked me on the shoulder.
I smacked him back. “I’ve always been good with names, Robbie.”
“Liam, we’ve had the same hair stylist for two years now, and you still call her Lisa.”
“Her name’s not Lisa?”
“Brenda.” He shook his head. “Let’s take one before I lose you for the rest of the night.” Robbie pulled out his phone for another pic, a selfie of the two of us. He was plump and Dad-looking next to me, but then again, he was forty years old. I hoped I was as awesome as he was when I was his age .
I posed on my good side, and in the screen, an image reflected back at me—Abby.
She strolled by with that other girl from the party, the tall, gangly one, and for one brief second, our eyes met in the phone’s back camera view. I spun around. “There you are!”
She paused, caught off guard. “You were looking for me?”
“Yeah, man! Way to kill it on those two songs. Awesome job, thanks.” I gave her a friendly punch on the shoulder.
Ugh, a punch, Liam, really?
“Oh, thank you.” She smiled. A polite smile, when I so desperately wanted to see her grin big because she simply liked me. “By kill it, you mean…”
“You rocked it. You were awesome. Fantastic!” I ran a hand through my hair, something I did when I was nervous, which I could tell surprised Robbie almost as much as it surprised me.
He gave me one last lingering stare, and when he realized I was too wrapped up in a conversation to finish taking the selfie with him, he winked at me and walked off.
“So…” I turned back to Abby.
She wore a classic long, black skirt and a white ruffly top. Not exactly a wicked outfit, but then again, she was under no obligation to follow any rules of rock. She played by her own. Still, maybe by the end of the tour, we could have all our orchestra dressing in leather jackets and miniskirts. The girls anyway. That would be sick!
“Thanks for the flowers, by the way,” she said, wringing her hands. “And the wine. You didn’t have to do that, you know.”
“Oh…hey…I know that. Just felt bad about what happened. Tucker was being a real dick.” I folded my arms over my chest, trying to look relaxed and cool when I was probably coming across as an idiot. What was it about her that had me reverting to a high school geek once again? I thought I’d shed that skin already.
“I just wanted to say…” She fumbled with her fingers. “I me an…you don’t have to do that again. I don’t mean this in a negative way, but…” She took a deep breath then let it out. “I’m not one of your… groupies .” She stressed the word like it was poisonous. “So, before you go thinking anything…you won’t be getting into my pants.”
Her tall friend tried to discreetly elbow her in the back, but I caught it.
I wiggled my eyebrows at Abby.
“Whoa. Meow!” My fingers curled into cat claws. Her concrete outer shell should’ve, for all intents and purposes, turned me off, but there was something sad about it, and it spoke volumes about what she must’ve thought of me. I guess rumors have their downside. “Hey, listen, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just wanted to say sorry and thanks. That was it, I swear. Can’t a guy do that anymore?”
“With a hundred-dollar bottle of wine?” She raised an eyebrow.
Recoiling, I scoffed. “Uh, Abby, listen, I swear I’m not trying to get into your pants.” Okay, given my determined thoughts earlier, that was a bit of a lie, but it was also a bit of the truth. I wasn’t trying to get into her pants right now, at least. I mean, I did want to get to know her better, not just fuck her. “But might I point out the obvious that, tonight, you’re wearing a skirt?” I chuckled at my own little joke. Shit, she was going to unload on me. I just knew it.
Abby Chan, cellist, was not having it.
At that moment, her friend held up her camera, trying to dispel the tension. “Can I get a pic of the two of you? That cello-vocals duet onstage was brilliant, eh?”
We turned toward her and smiled, just as two people photobombed us from behind with rabbit ears and bottles of beer clinging to their hands. Tucker and Helen. “Wassuuuup, dawg!” Tucker slammed me with his chest and put my head into a choke hold. “We killed it, bro! ”
“Yes, yes, we did. Now let go of me, you idiot.”
“I guess I’ll see you later,” Abby said quickly, darting off before I could get two more words in.
“Hey!” I called out, but she’d already bailed. “Damn it.”
I’m sure she split because of Tucker, and luckily, he didn’t see Abby, being too drunk to notice, but Helen hung back, watching us a moment then slipping past me, leaning into my ear. Her words would haunt me the rest of the night, even as the party plowed on, and the booze flowed until the bottles were empty, and the groupies lay asleep all over the couches. “Don’t bother, Liam,” she said with an all-knowing smirk. “She’s not your type.”
And there it was. Even Helen could see that Abby was someone I shouldn’t mess with. That might be the case, but she was wrong about Abby not being my type. Maybe someone like her had never been my type before, but right now, she was the only type of woman I was interested in. Sexy but classy. Talented and fierce. A ball-breaker, yet someone who provided glimpses of vulnerability in a way that made me want to howl, beat my chest, toss her over my shoulder, and carry her off to the nearest cave.
God, I definitely had a thing for Abby Chan. The only question was what I was going to do about it.
Later that night, away from prying ears and eyes, after losing the paparazzi down a dead-end hallway, I slipped into a dark room, flicked on a dim light, and sat on the floor to call the one person I could when my life was going fucking haywire and I didn’t know what to think.
“Hey, buddy, how’s the tour going?” Garrick asked, laughter in the background.
“Good. What’s going on with the new show?” I asked. Garrick was a Hollywood actor and had been a bunch of action movies, but he was up for his first role in a television series as a romantic lead.
“It’s down to me and one other person,” Garrick said.
“I’m sure you’ll get the part but keep me posted. ”
Garrick laughed. “Will do. So tell me what’s up with you?”
“Well…there’s this girl on our tour. I think I like her,” I said, the words sounding foreign, but to my heart they were familiar. “I don’t know. It’s weird. We haven’t talked much, and one of two times, she blew me off, but I feel like I could get past her exterior if she just gave me a chance.”
“Which is weird for girls around you, my friend.”
I chuckled. Maybe that was why I felt attracted to Abby—just the fact that she was the opposite of the usual girls I went for. Well, that and her cello-playing onstage blew me away. “I don’t know. Am I making any sense?” I asked.
“Sure. I mean, I haven’t felt that way about a girl in a long time, not since she-who-won’t-be-named, but I always knew one day you’d fall for a girl and hard.”
I almost winced when Garrick alluded to his ex-girlfriend, Rachel, who cheated on him with his brother. We’d both been burned in the past, but I was still open to a relationship someday. Garrick not so much. “I’ve known you so long, I just…I don’t know…what the fuck should I do? I don’t want a repeat of what happened with Vanessa.”
On the other end, Garrick sighed. “If you like her, talk to her. And if she likes you, too, then just be fair, like you were to Vanessa. Nothing wrong with being up-front and honest. But I’m not there to see it, man. Has Tuck met her?”
Tucker was the only other band member who’d known me almost as long as Garrick and Helen had, and I just didn’t feel like I could talk with Helen about Abby. Maybe Garrick was right. Maybe Tucker had a better vantage point. “He’s met her, but you know how he is…”
“Making a dick of himself?” Garrick laughed.
“You know it.” I shook my head. In his background, laughter rang out again, and I realized it was probably a bad time to call. “Listen, man, thanks. I can tell you shit I tell no one.”
“Anytime, my brother.” Garrick called out to someone nearby, telling them he’d be right there, and though I didn’t want to tie up any more of his time, and we didn’t get to talk long, I felt better already. Though I often forgot it, I had tried to do right by Vanessa. I’d been honest with her, and as long as I remained honest with Abby, things would be okay, whether we ended up starting something or not.
I was really hoping we would.