Chapter 29
29
Mum had the baby while I was asleep.
He was born around 4 a.m. They’d thought she was going to have to have a C-section, but Mick said Mum was so determined not to that she forced the baby out by sheer will.
Mum was sleeping when Mick texted, but by the time I’m up and out on deck with my coffee, she’s awake and FaceTiming me.
‘I don’t know how they expect you to sleep in hospitals,’ is the first thing she says.
‘It’s boiling hot, the lights stay on, people are in and out all night long.
Some fool woke me up to feed the baby and then realised she’d got the wrong bed. ’
I smile at her through my tears.
‘How are you, though? How’s the baby? ’
Her face softens.
‘Oh, he’s delicious.
He fell asleep with me when I fed him and I woke up with him stuck to my boob.
Had to peel him off like a plaster. ’
‘What are you calling him?’
‘Haven’t thought of anything yet.
We said we’d wait to see what he looks like, but he just looks like a baby.
Mick said I can’t call him “Baby” cos everyone’ll think it’s after Dirty Dancing. ’
‘Also,’ I say, ‘it’s not a name. ’
‘Mae wants to call him “Cocomelon”.’
‘Also not a name.’
‘Hang on,’ she says, shifting on the bed.
‘I’ll show you.’
‘God, don’t get out of bed! ’
‘I’ve already been out of bed.
Breakfast’s on a trolley in the corridor.
I asked if they could bring it to me, given that I just shat out a human, but they said no.
Good to get moving early doors.
Someone did bring me a brew though, thank god.
I was gasping.’
She turns her phone to show me my littlest brother.
He’s asleep, his face red and scrunched under his little white cap.
One tiny shrivelled red hand poking out from his swaddle, fingertips resting on his chin.
‘He’s perfect,’ I tell her.
‘What time do you get off?’ Marc murmurs to me from over the top of his glass of whisky at dinner that night.
Berry and Liam took them to Deià today, so after I did the washdown, I helped Kelsey with the cabins.
I force myself to smile.
‘Not until the last guest’s gone to bed. ’
‘That’s not what I asked,’ he says, smirking up at me, clearly pleased with himself.
‘I asked what time do you get off. Or, more importantly, what gets you off. I’m a gynaecologist. I know the anatomy.
It’s what I do.’
I can’t believe anyone talks like this.
I can’t believe he could possibly think I – anyone – would go for it.
I can only assume he thinks because I’m staff I have to listen to his gross bullshit.
I catch Adam’s eye across the deck and he raises one eyebrow.
I shake my head at him; I can handle this myself.
My fingertips tingle with adrenaline and I briefly fantasise about punching Marc in the face, but instead I say, ‘I’m just trying to get to the end of my shift. ’
He raises his hands as if in surrender, but he’s still grinning at me, like the creep he is.
‘Want me to go and fart on his pillow?’ Berry asks when both of us are in the galley collecting yet more nibbles.
‘Thanks. I might go and do it myself.’
‘I can hot sauce in his undies,’ Carlo says.
Berry and I burst out laughing.
‘Do you even know who we’re talking about? ’
I ask him.
Carlo looks sheepish.
‘No. But I always want to hot-sauce someone’s undies. ’
‘Stay away from my undies,’ Berry says, grinning at him.
He holds his hands up, smiling, and on him it’s endearing whereas on Marc .
. .
‘I don’t know about your undies,’ he says.
‘Do we have the . . . ?’ He screws up his face in thought.
‘The glue that is forever?’
‘Superglue?’ I guess.
‘You can put in his shampoo.’
‘You’re too good at this! ’
I tell him. ‘And you look so sweet!’
‘I am not sweet,’ he says, sweetly.
‘I am Italian.’
I was hoping that by the time we got back up on deck, Marc would have gone to bed or fallen asleep where he was sitting, but no.
He has the whisky bottle now and I’m pretty sure he’s undone another button on his shirt, his chest, pale and hairless, peeps out.
‘Gonna be a late one,’ Berry mutters to me.
Looks that way, yeah.
Marc’s wife, Jenny, and Babs are dancing.
Arms in the air, eyes half closed, staggering a little either due to the rocking of the boat or the amount of cocktails they’ve put away.
‘Can we swim?’ Babs asks me, gesturing out at the black water.
‘No, sorry. It’s not safe at night,’ I tell her.
I don’t add or when you’re shit-faced .
‘Fancy going skinny dipping?’ Marc asks them.
They both giggle.
‘How about you?’ he asks me.
‘And Cherry. Ever go skinny dipping?’
I top up his glass, not bothering to correct him on Berry’s name.
Better for him not to know it.
‘No,’ I lie.
‘Shame.’ He curls one hand around my ankle and slowly slides it up my calf to the back of my knee.
‘Have you tried the crab toasties?’ I ask him, stepping away again.
His hand drops back to his lap.
Kent gives me an apologetic look and I feel another stab of fury.
He clearly knows what Marc is like.
He knows it’s shit and rather than tell Marc to stop, that his behaviour is unacceptable, he’s wordlessly apologising to me.
‘I don’t eat that shit,’ Marc grumbles and takes another swig of his drink.
He ate the lobster, though, didn’t he?
Or did he just use it to bother me?
‘Come and dance!’ Jenny calls.
At first I think she’s talking to me.
Or to her husband. But, no, it’s Adam and Liam.
Jenny grabs Adam and Babs hooks her arms around Liam’s neck, shimmying against him.
‘The party’s still going, eh? ’
Liam says, smiling down at her.
‘Just started now you’re here. ’
She takes one of his hands and twirls herself under his arm.
‘I heard you like older women.’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Marc mutters, shifting to the edge of his seat.
I think he’s had enough, that he’s going to get up and go to bed and hopefully the women will follow and we can all finish up, clean up and finally get to bed ourselves.
I’m wrong. He grabs me again, his big hand around my thigh this time, and yanks me.
It’s so sudden that I don’t have time to brace myself against it.
I’m pulled off balance and he uses that to drag me down and onto his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist.
I wriggle, trying to pull away, and he says, ‘Yeah, that’s it.
Give me a lap dance. ’
Kent is laughing.
The wives aren’t paying any attention; they’re dangling off Adam and Liam, twirling themselves out to arm’s length and then pulling themselves back in.
I’m trying to work out the best way to deal with this.
I can’t hit him. I don’t even know what I can say.
And he’s holding me so tightly it’s almost painful so there’s no way I can get myself free.
I see Berry crossing the deck towards us.
She looks furious.
And then Adam is in front of me, blocking her from my view.
He grabs my hands, pulls and says, ‘I’d appreciate it if you’d let go of my girlfriend. ’
Marc doesn’t let go completely but he loosens his hold enough that Adam can pull me free and to my feet.
The momentum makes me stagger and I fall into him, against him.
He wraps his arms around me, holding me, my face against his chest. I have a moment of relief that I’m okay, Adam’s got me like he has so many times before, before I realise what he said, what he did, in front of everyone.
In front of Berry.
I push him away and twist myself to look for Berry.
She’s staring straight at me, her eyes wide and stunned.
I think I say her name, but I’m not sure I actually make a sound.
She turns and heads inside, into the salon.
‘This is all very exciting,’ Marc says.
‘But who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?’
Adam jerks as if he’s going to push past me to get to Marc.
‘Don’t,’ I tell him.
‘You can’t.’
And then Ben’s there, steering Adam away.
‘I can get that for you,’ I tell Marc.
I take his glass, and by the time I get to the bottom of the stairs to the galley, tears are streaming down my face and I’m struggling to catch my breath.
‘What’s wrong?’ Carlo asks, coming towards me, concern all over his face, his hands reaching out for mine.
‘Everything,’ I tell him.
‘Everything’s falling apart. ’
He pulls me into a hug.
‘I think it’s maybe not so bad.
You’re tired, yes?’
‘Always.’
‘My mama says that it always looks better in the morning. Anything. At night things . . .’ He mimes an explosion with his hands and blows out a breath.
‘I need whisky,’ I tell him.
He frowns. ‘I think you should not drink.’
I smile, shaking my head.
‘Not for me. For a horrible guest.’
‘The man with the pepper underwear?’
‘That’s the one. ’
Carlo passes me the bottle of whisky and I blow out a breath.
‘Do I look like I’ve been crying? ’
‘No. But maybe . . . fix the lip.’ He points to his mouth.
I quickly reapply my lipstick and when I get back up on deck, the guests have gone.
Kelsey’s clearing the table and Liam is brushing the deck.
‘We’ve got this,’ Kelsey tells me.
‘Are you sure? I can –’
She waves me off.
‘It’s fine, really.’
I’m glad, because I need to talk to Berry.
I can’t believe Adam called me his girlfriend.
She must know it’s not true.
But her face. She looked so shocked, so hurt.
I hate that I made her feel like that.
As I walk around the stern towards the stairs, I see Adam leaning back against the flagpole, staring out over the water.
I almost ignore him and sneak past to get to Berry.
But he sees me and gives me a weary smile.
‘You okay?’
I nod.
Even though I’m not.
‘I’m sorry about that guy,’ he says.
Piece of shit.’
‘It’s okay.
I’m glad you didn’t punch him. ’
He huffs. ‘I wanted to throw him overboard.’
He rubs his face and when he takes his hands away his eyes are wet.
‘I don’t think this job is for me. ’
My stomach lurches like the boat’s hit a swell and I walk over.
Sit down next to him.
I so want to see Berry, but I know Adam needs to talk to me right now.
‘I think it’s just such a big learning curve.
You’ll get it. You just need more time. ’
He shakes his head.
‘You always do that.’
‘I always do what?’
‘Encourage me. Tell me I can do anything.’
‘You can do anything.’
He smiles.
‘I can’t. But also I don’t want to.
And I don’t need you to fix this. ’
‘I wasn’t trying to fix it.
I just think –’
‘Hope –’ he turns towards me – ‘I have hated pretty much every minute on board this yacht.’
I shake my head.
‘It’s true. It wasn’t just for the money.
I thought I’d love it.
I thought I’d love being here with you.
Sailing. Meeting people.
Even the work. I knew it would be hard, physical.
But I thought it would be fun.
I’m not having fun. I know you are.
I know you love it. But I don’t.
I hate it.’
‘Do you have enough money? For . . . whoever you needed it for?’
He blows out a breath.
‘Not enough, no. But I’ve told my mum.
She’s going to pay it.
I’m going to pay her back.
And I will.’
‘I know you will,’ I tell him.
‘Do you know what you’re going to do?
When you get back?’
He shakes his head.
‘I don’t think I can stay home, not for a while.
I don’t trust myself not to go back to gambling if I’m with the same lads, you know? ’
I nod. I’m glad of that, at least.
‘Liam was telling me about the football coaching he did in America, so maybe that? Or maybe something completely different. I don’t know.
My head’s wrecked. I need to think.
I don’t get time to think here. ’
‘You know where I am if you need to talk about any of it,’ I tell him.
Even though none of it has worked out like I thought, I can’t imagine doing this without him.
‘You love it, yeah?’ he says.
‘The job?’
I nod. ‘I really do. Not tonight. Not these guests. But the rest of it, yeah. It feels right.’
‘I fucked everything up,’ he says, his voice cracking.
‘I’m so sorry, Hope. ’
He reaches for my hand, sliding his fingers between mine.
I know him so well. I know his face.
I know his scent. I know the sounds he makes in his sleep.
I know his family and friends.
I thought I knew his dreams, his thoughts.
I thought I knew everything.
I didn’t. But I still know him.
Better than almost anyone.
His eyes flick down to my lips and my breath catches.
He’s been mine and I’ve been his for so long, before we ever even thought about anyone else.
He was always it for me and I know I was it for him.
I don’t see him move and I don’t think I move, but then his mouth is on mine and it’s so warm, so familiar, so easy.
I feel everything in me relax, all the tension from the evening, from the guests, from the work, just drifting away.
I feel like I’m melting as his hand curls around my neck, smooths down over my shoulder.
I press closer to him, feeling the muscles in his chest, sliding my fingers into the back of his hair.
He moans into my mouth as I tug at his curls.
He needs a haircut, but I like it.
I like him.
I love him.
I’ve loved him for so long.
I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t love him.
But that’s not a good enough reason.
‘Wait,’ I tell Adam.
‘Stop. Sorry, I . . . I can’t do this. ’
‘Ah, go on,’ he says, grinning, and despite everything, I laugh.
‘I’m going to bed,’ I tell him.
‘And you should too.’
I stand, turn around, and that’s when I see Berry standing at the back of the deck.
Even from here I can see the tears on her face.
She turns and disappears through the doors to the salon and I leave Adam on the bow and follow her.
I have to talk to her.
I have to explain.
But when I get to our cabin, the door is locked.