Chapter 16 #3
Piper disappears inside, and then it’s just us.
I stop a few feet away, arms crossed instinctively. My sleeve shifts, and Toulouse moves up to my wrist like he knows I need some emotional support. I feel his tiny twitching nose against my skin, and somehow it helps.
Let’s get this over with.
I square my shoulders. “What are you doing here?”
Finn steps closer and holds out the bouquet. “These are for you.”
Vivid purples, whites, blues, greens, and petals slightly bruised from his grip. There are so many, and it must have taken him ages to pick them all.
Memories flood me of the countless flower bracelets I once made for him, and my vision blurs briefly. Still, I hold firm. “No thanks.”
Finn nods quietly, placing the bouquet gently on the bus step. He moves toward me again, a cautious advance that instinctively makes me step back.
“I’m here because I fucked up. The way I apologized last time wasn’t good and wasn’t enough.”
I finally look him in the eyes. They’re a mess. Red, ringed in exhaustion, black and blue from Dane’s punch, and still they’re his.
“You were right, baby girl. Actions speak louder than words, but I still need to apologize properly before I show you. I’m sorry.
I was a coward. I was a fucking fool, and I didn’t deserve your love.
Not then, and especially not now. But I swear I’m going to earn it.
I’ll do everything in my power to be someone worthy of it. ”
Fuck. I feel my knees go weak, but I grit my teeth against the onslaught of feelings his words stir inside me.
“Even if you don’t love me anymore…” he says quickly, “… I’ll still step up.
I want you to be proud that you loved me for a decade, even if that’s all I get.
Because, Al, when you looked at me like that, like I’d gutted you, it almost broke me.
I don’t regret you, not for a fucking second.
I don’t want you to regret me either. So I’m going to be better. ”
I can see how he’s cracked down the middle, and it’s not only because of me. Whatever happened in the years we were apart, Finn lost something vital. His confidence. His sense of self, the light behind those arrogant grins.
And I hate it. I hate that he’s not the guy I used to know anymore, but I also love who he is now, even if he’s not for me.
I feel it, the weight of his regret and the sincerity bleeding from his every pore, but that’s the problem, isn’t it?
Looking back, it wasn’t even the big things.
It was those tiny glimpses of him that kept me sane.
Just the crumbs of attention he tossed my way when I was younger were enough to keep me hoping.
Wanting. I made a fool of myself over him, and it felt worth it at the time.
Because I had something. I clung to scraps like they were gold.
And now, seven years later, I did the same, even if the scraps he threw me were bigger. They hurt more too.
“It would have been best if all of this had never happened,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have to know how your arms feel when they’re wrapped around me, and I shouldn’t have to know what your voice sounds like when it’s whispering the things I always wanted to hear from you.”
Finn winces, but I don’t stop.
“You not wanting me back hurt, but I was used to it. I understood it.” I take a breath, trying to steady the ache clawing up my throat.
“But the cold shoulder after giving me warmth? That cut deeper. And now, this version of you, being all sorry, saying all the right things?” I look at him, and my heart twists. “It hurts the most.”
His expression cracks, but I ignore it and go on.
“After all those years of wanting you, I finally got what I wished for, but it doesn’t feel good. It feels like a punishment because it’s not real. Those feelings you claim to have for me are not the real ones I was aching for.”
He steps closer, eyes pleading. “I love you, Alaina.”
“No,” I say, barely above a whisper. “You don’t. And you shouldn’t.”
“I know I was bad at showing it, but I will. I’ll prove it.”
“Even if you do…” I murmur, “… what happens when you change your mind again?”
“I never did,” he insists. “I was just scared—”
“And I was pathetic,” I cut in, voice sharp with self-loathing. “Starved for love, chasing after you like you were the only thing keeping me alive, literally. And now I have to live with that version of myself.”
He looks like he wants to say something more, but I don’t let him.
“I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live always bracing for the moment you leave.”
“Please, Al. I know I fucked up, but—”
“I don’t doubt that you believe what you feel is real, but even if you’re right, I’m not sure I can ever feel safe being happy with you, Finn. I’d always wait for you to go and break my heart. I’m sorry.”
So damn sorry we both fucked up so badly.
The silence that follows is deafening.
And somehow, it’s still not enough to drown the sound of my heart breaking as I turn around and walk to the front door, leaving the boy I loved for almost half my life in the ruins of the future I used to dream about.