21. Fiona “Fee” Clarke
By the time I finished straightening up the living room, my back was screamin’ at me.
I dropped the throw pillow I was fluffin’ and put both hands on my lower back, breathin’ out slow.
“These kids better come out lovin’ me,” I mumbled. “‘Cause I done did enough.”
“Baby, sit down,” Trend called from the kitchen. “I got the rest.”
“You ‘got the rest’ after I done did everything,” I shot back.
He poked his head around the corner, brows raised. “I done been cookin’ all day.”
“Yeah, and I done been carryin’ two humans for months,” I said. “We both tired. Go stir somethin’.”
He laughed and disappeared back into the kitchen.
Even with the jokes, my chest was tight.
Tonight was supposed to be a little family dinner. Nothin’ major. Just us, Truce and Charlee, and Charlie Mac. I wanted it to feel… normal. Like we wasn’t about to have our whole life turned upside down.
The clock on the wall said six twenty.
I eased myself down on the couch, rubbin’ my belly.
“Aight, y’all,” I said to the twins. “Mama need y’all to act right tonight. No crazy kicks while I’m tryna eat, please.”
They ignored me, of course.
First knock came a few minutes later.
I pushed myself back up with a groan.
“I got it,” Trend called, but I was already halfway there.
When I opened the door, Truce and Charlee were standin’ there, arms full.
Charlee had a dish in her hand and an attitude on her face.
“Here,” she said, shovin’ the pan at me. “Mac and cheese. Don’t be tryna say I don’t contribute.”
“Hey to you too,” I laughed, steppin’ aside so they could come in. “You look cute, and cranky.”
“Thanks,” she said, rubbin’ her stomach real quick like she forgot she was doin’ it.
But, I clocked it.
“So y’all just bringin’ one pan?” I asked, lookin’ at Truce.
He held up a bag. “Dessert in here. And I brought drinks. Non-alcoholic for you, ‘cause I like bein’ alive.”
“You smart,” I said. “Trend in the kitchen.”
Truce went that way, dappin’ him up, loud as hell. I hugged Charlee, feelin’ my emotions already sittin’ too close to my throat.
“You good?” she asked low.
“I’m here,” I said. “We gon’ see about the rest.”
She gave me a look like she knew exactly what that meant but let it go.
Another knock hit the door.
I knew that knock.
“Don’t move,” I told Charlee. “You just got here.”
I opened it to see Charlie Mac standin’ there, smellin’ like cologne and trouble in a good suit for no reason.
“Well, damn,” he said, lookin’ at my belly. “You sure it’s only two in there?”
“Hi, Charlie,” I said dryly.
He grinned, kissin’ my cheek as he stepped in. “You look good, baby. Motherhood sittin’ on you nice.”
“Motherhood sittin’ on my bladder,” I muttered. “Come on.”
He greeted everybody, dapped up Trend, kissed Charlee on the temple like she was his own.
“Alright,” he said, lookin’ around. “This cozy. I like it.”
“Don’t start inspectin’ my house like you bought it,” I told him, easin’ back onto the couch. “You a guest.”
He chuckled and sat in the armchair across from me.
Dinner was smelling good as hell.
Trend had made baked chicken, cabbage, yams, and rice. Between that and Charlee’s mac and cheese, I was halfway in love with the table.
We all sat down, Trend at the head, me on his right, Charlee on my other side, Truce across from us, Charlie Mac at the other end.
“Let’s pray,” Trend said.
He reached for my hand and Charlie’s, and we passed it around the table.
Lord, thank you for this food, this family, these babies, the usual black man blessin’. My eyes stung halfway through and I had to look down so nobody would clock it.
“Amen,” everybody said.
Plates got passed, food landed heavy.
“You eatin’ for three, Fee,” Charlee said, watchin’ me pile my plate.
“And?” I said. “Mind your business.”
“I’m just sayin’ you blessin’ them babies,” she teased.
Truce smirked. “She blessin’ us too. The way she holdin’ that pan, ain’t gon’ be nothin’ left.”
“Watch your mouth,” I told him, but I was laughin’.
Charlie Mac sat back, lookin’ around the table like he was takin’ mental pictures.
He chewed on a bone, then wiped his mouth.
“So…” he said, eyes cuttin’ to Charlee. “Y’all got somethin’ you wanna say?”
Charlee stiffened. “Who is ‘y’all’?”
“You and that man,” he said, jerkin’ his chin toward Truce. “I can see it.”
She sucked her teeth. “See what?”
“That little glow,” he said. “That little hand on your stomach every five seconds. You think I ain’t notice? I know pregnant when I see it.”
The whole table went quiet.
Charlee’s eyes got big, then she sighed and dropped her fork.
“Damn,” she sassed. “Was gon’ wait till dessert.”
Truce chuckled.
I watched her swallow, then lift her head.
“I’m pregnant,” she said, voice small for the first time since I met her. “We… pregnant.”
I felt my own throat close up.
Charlie Mac’s face did somethin’ I ain’t seen often, just a straight proud look.
“Well,” he said, eyes shinin’ a little. “‘Bout time y’all gave me a grandbaby to spoil.”
Charlee’s lip trembled. “You not mad?”
“Mad?” he asked. “Girl, please. I been know. I was just waitin’ on you to catch up.”
Truce slid his arm around her shoulders, pullin’ her closer.
“We keepin’ it,” he said. “Off rip. I don’t care how scared she is. That’s our baby.”
Charlee snatched a napkin and wiped her eyes. “I hate you,” she told him, voice crackin’.
“I know,” he said, kissin’ her temple. “Love you too.”
We all laughed, even as my own eyes started leakin’.
I surely blamed the hormones.
The room got louder after that.
Jokes, plans, baby names flyin’ around.
They asked me a million questions about the twins, what I craved, how many times they kicked, if I knew who was who.
I smiled and answered, but my mind kept bouncin’ back to one thing.
Every time somebody said “we,” Truce squeezed Charlee’s shoulder like he meant that shit.
Every time somebody said “y’all,” he answered like a man who wasn’t goin’ nowhere.
I wanted that certainty so bad it almost physically hurt.
“Fee, you alright?” Charlie Mac’s voice cut through my head.
I blinked.
Everybody was lookin’ at me.
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just full.”
Trend looked at my plate. “You ain’t eat half.”
“It’s twins,” I said. “Not a bottomless pit.”
They laughed, but he kept lookin’ at me.
Because I was sure he knew.
After a while, we moved from the table back to the living room.
Charlee and Charlie Mac was on the couch, arguin’ light about whether the baby was gon’ like old school music or new shit.
Truce and Trend were in the kitchen, puttin’ leftovers away and talkin’ low.
I stood up slow, hands on my belly.
“I’ma go lay down for a second,” I said. “My back screamin’.”
“You need help?” Charlie asked.
“No, I got it,” I said. “Y’all chill. I’m just goin’ to the room.”
I made it to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, breathin’ out.
A minute later, the door clicked soft.
Trend stepped in, closin’ it behind him.
“You not slick,” he said.
I looked up at him. “What?”
“You came in here to cry,” he said simply.
My eyes burned on cue.
“Mind your business,” I tried, but my voice broke and that was it.
Tears slipped out quick, hot and messy.
He crossed the room in two steps and crouched down in front of me, hands restin’ on my knees.
“Talk to me, Fee,” he said. “Forreal this time.”
I shook my head, wipin’ my face. “I’m tired of talkin’. Don’t nothin’ change.”
“Then say somethin’ different,” he said. “You keep throwin’ the same ‘you always gone, you don’t be here’ at me, and I’m hearin’ ‘you ungrateful’ even if that’s not what you mean. Tell me what you really feelin’.”
I stared at him, chest heavin’.
“I’m scared,” I blurted. “Scared for real. I feel like… I’m about to jump into a pool and I don’t know if I can swim, and you standin’ on the side sayin’ ‘I built the pool for you, what you mad about?’”
His face dropped.
“I’m scared I’m gon’ be in this house by myself with two newborns,” I went on.
“Scared I’ma lose myself. Scared I’ma be the strong one for everybody till I break, and when I do, ain’t nobody gon’ know what to do wit’ me.
I’m scared you gon’ get so caught up in ‘providin’’ that you forget I need you to be here.
Not just for pictures. For the ugly shit. ”
Words poured out now like somebody opened a damn faucet.
“I’m tired of wakin’ up at three in the mornin’ thinkin’ ‘bout all the ways this can go wrong,” I said, sobbin’ now. “And you sleep next to me like you ain’t got a care in the world. I know you got weight on you too, but I don’t see it. I just see the back of your head every time the phone ring.”
I covered my face with my hands.
“I don’t wanna resent you,” I whispered. “But it’s creepin’ in. And that scares me more than any of this.”
He didn’t say nothin’ for a second.
Then I felt his hands leave my knees.
For a second, panic shot through me.
He walkin’ out.
Then the bed dipped next to me.
He sat down, pulled my hands gently away from my face.
His eyes were shiny.
“Look at me,” he said.
So I did as I was told.
“I’m scared too,” he said quietly. “More than I ever told you.”
My breath hitched.
“I’m scared I’ma turn into my daddy,” he continued.
“Workin’ all day, disappearin’ all night, callin’ it ‘makin’ money’ while my family feel like I ain’t present.
I’m scared I’ma fail you and the babies before they even get here.
I’m scared I’ma miss somethin’ important ‘cause I was ‘handling business.’”
He looked down at his hands.
“That’s why I been movin’ like I been movin’,” he said. “If I can stack enough now, get enough shit in place, maybe I won’t have to hustle as hard once they come. That’s the story in my head. But I hear you… that it ain’t feelin’ like that to you.”
He looked back up.
“All you see is me walkin’ out the door,” he said. “You don’t see what I’m carryin’ in my chest when I do it.”
The silence stretched between us, thick as hell.
“I’m not sayin’ you wrong for how you feel,” he added. “You not. I just… don’t want you thinkin’ I’m leavin’ you to drown on purpose. I’m out here tryna build y’all a boat. I just ain’t communicated that worth a damn.”
A short, wet laugh slipped outta me.
He smiled a little behind his own tears.
“What I can do,” he said, “is change how I move. Not just for the babies. For you.”
“How?” I asked, voice small.
“First off, no more disappearin’ without sayin’ where I’m at and when I’ll be back,” he said.
“We grown. I can tell you, ‘Babe, I’m slidin’ here, gon’ be home by this time.
’ You deserve that. Second, I’m settin’ boundaries on this work shit.
Certain nights is off limits. Once these boys here, I’m pickin’ one, two days out the week where I don’t take nothin’ after a certain hour. Non-negotiable.”
I sniffed. “You think that’s realistic?”
He nodded. “If I can do all this dirt timing, I can do right timing,” he said.
“And we gon’ ask for help. You not gon’ be Superwoman in here by yourself.
We got My parents. We got Melissa. We got Charlee and Truce.
Royce and April. Our babies gon’ be straight.
You not carryin’ all this on your back alone. ”
The thought of actually askin’ for help made my pride twitch.
But the thought of tryin’ to do it all without it made my whole soul tired.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“And we doin’ check-ins,” he added. “One night a week. Phones down, TV off. Just me and you. If you feelin’ like you slippin’ under, you say it there before it turn into resentment. If I feel like I’m drownin’ in pressure, I say it there so you not thinkin’ I’m just bein’ cold.”
I nodded slowly.
“That’s all I got right now,” he said. “But it’s honest. I can’t promise I ain’t gon’ fuck up. But I can promise I’m not gon’ leave you to do this by yourself. Not mentally. Not physically. Not financially. We in this together.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks again, but they felt… different.
He reached out and wiped ‘em with his thumbs.
“You mad at me?” he asked.
“A little,” I said, sniffin’.
He smiled. “You love me?”
“A lot,” I said.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead.
“Then we gon’ be alright,” he chuckled.
We sat there on the bed for a while, just holdin’ each other.
I could still hear Truce’s loud laugh in the living room, Charlie Mac talkin’ shit, Charlee tellin’ him he’s at the right age to be a Pop Pop.
Our life was already loud and messy.
But sittin’ there with Trend’s arms around me, twins kickin’ between us, I felt somethin’ I hadn’t let myself feel in weeks, and that was hope.
We didn’t fix everything in one conversation.
We still had bills and bassinets and sleep-deprived nights in front of us.
But for the first time, it didn’t feel like me vs. him.
It felt like us vs. whatever came next.
And I could work with that.