Chapter 9
Lost souls
TEN YEARS AGO
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
Be calm.
You’re doing this for him.
My steps were trying to take me to the grave where Lucas’s parents and sister were to be buried, while my conscience encouraged my feet to keep moving.
However hard it was for me to be in Lucas’s presence, my heart kept telling me to get closer, to hug him, to be there for him.
Especially now and from this point forward.
I needed to put aside our past differences, because he was just a kid.
He wasn’t thinking about his actions. He felt the need to protect me from others by starting fights with them.
Nothing similar happened in the last five years.
He has been quiet. Perhaps because I avoided him at all costs.
I even heard he found an interesting hobby to pass the time.
I haven’t seen it with my own eyes, but I know he was so passionate about his projects that he would stay for hours behind the desk in his room working on them.
However much those helped, I hoped they would still keep him company after this misfortune.
Before the incident, he was a normal and happy kid who played football in the backyard with his brothers and father.
Yes, I might have been a little spy, but what could I do?
I wasn’t capable of staying far from him at all.
Usually, when school was over, I would take a small detour to the fence overlooking his backyard.
I waited for him to come into my line of sight, stared at him for a couple of minutes, and then left before he saw me or figured out somebody was watching him from the shadows.
Unfortunately, everything stopped for him when his parents and little sister, who was only eight years old, were the victims of a tragic accident.
His father lost control of the car they were in and hit a truck coming from the opposite direction.
From what I heard, the car exploded, and everyone died instantly.
Their bodies were just a couple of bones when the firefighters came to put out the fire.
I couldn’t stop myself from crying for hours when I heard.
My grandmother tried to comfort me, but her efforts were in vain.
Given how affected I was, I just cannot imagine how a 15-year-old orphan or his brothers could have felt.
Even though they were two years older than Lucas, I don’t think they processed all of this better. The loss was painful regardless of age.
I was raised by my grandparents. I never knew my parents, but I always felt their absence.
They were too young to have me when they made me, and didn’t wanna take care of me.
Going to clubs and having fun was more important to them at that age than taking care of me.
At least, that is what my grandparents told me, besides the fact that they couldn’t reach them.
They had no idea where they were or if they were still alive.
They didn’t even want to show me photos of them so as not to become, maybe, attracted to look for them.
Besides their effort, I found them myself. They were hidden in a dusty box in the garage. From that moment, I’ve been keeping them in the back of my closet so my grandparents would never find them.
I mean, yes, they were right. I wanted to find them and mess with their heads for not ever searching for me. In 15 years, they haven’t tried to find me. No contact. Not even once. Nada. It was very stupid coming from someone who is supposed to be a parent.
Speaking of stupid people, after I argued with Lucas five years ago, I became a different person and started making some dumb things too.
I got home many times with bruises and broken bones.
Not to mention the never-ending arguments with my grandparents because of my stupid behaviour.
Because of what I did. I know I haven’t made their lives easier, but I just couldn’t control myself.
It was never my intention. It wasn’t because of me, at least.
I almost lost myself after one of them passed away two years ago.
I was devastated when I found my grandpa dead in his room while I was getting him breakfast. Nobody wanted to tell me how sick he was or how many days he had left.
They didn’t wanna put this kind of weight on my shoulders, but it made the situation even worse. Especially inside of me.
At his funeral, Lucas’s family was there for me.
He tried to talk to me, but other than a hug, I couldn’t be close to him.
I was too broken to deal with that, but I accepted Blake’s shoulder to cry on.
I actually needed a friend, but not Lucas.
Not back then. I think I just felt different with Blake, relating to him somehow, as he was the only one adopted from Lucas’s brothers.
His mother died giving birth to him in the same year Lucas’s mother gave birth to Paul.
Their mothers were best friends, so they decided to raise Blake as one of their own, even though he had a different family name.
And as his father was no longer in the picture, it was the best decision. It was what his mom would have wanted.
And Blake… well, he had been beside me every step of the way from there. He helped me get out of trouble multiple times, and I don’t even know how to make up to him. I will be at his door every day starting tomorrow, but now I have to know how Lucas was feeling.
I had my grandmother next to me at this funeral.
The only family member I had left. She encouraged me on our way here, even telling me that she would try to help the three orphans.
And however close I got to Blake lately, I think her heart always stayed with Lucas.
She considered him her own nephew, given that throughout my childhood, until that moment in time, I spent most of my nights with him, playing at my house or in the park near it.
She kept in touch with him, and she was giving me updates about his life, even though I hadn’t told her to do that. My ego was too big to talk to him directly, and I silently appreciated what she was doing for me.
But this was about to change now.
Going back to the present, I ended up next to Lucas, who was one head taller than I was.
I touched his shoulder, making him turn to face me.
All I saw was a broken and lost boy, with his lifeless gaze, and without the happiness manifested just a couple of days before.
I was feeling my eyes getting filled with tears just by watching his green eyes, now just two pale emeralds that lost their shine.
I couldn’t resist seeing him like this, so I hugged him.
He was confused for a moment, but he hugged me back even tighter.
He put his head on my shoulder, and I heard him sobbing, letting go of the tears he kept inside.
At that moment, I felt my cheeks getting wet.
I just couldn’t hold my tears, even though I promised myself to be strong for him.
His sadness was too strong. God, I want Lucas full of life back, beating boys to protect me, not this broken version of him.
He softly withdrew from the embrace, and when he saw my wet face, he frowned and took his thumbs on my face to remove them.
He looked deeply into my eyes, surprised to see me here, to feel me this close to him after so much time.
His lips curved a little and he kissed my cheek, his eyes thanking me for coming.
All I could do was respond through a small smile, because I felt my cheeks burning and my heart almost getting out of my chest.
I missed you so much, Lucas.
He turned his back on me, but I got to his right side and took his hand in mine, telling him through a soft squeeze of his hand that I was there for him. On his left were Blake and Paul, who sadly smiled at me for a second.
The funeral started with a moment of silence, in which we tried not to accept the darkness that wanted to surround our depressed hearts.
?
Not long after the funeral was over, a tall man came to tell the boys he was the director of an orphanage. It was a shock for all of us when he told them that Lucas and Paul would end up there because their grandparents didn’t want them.
I knew that their parents hadn’t had the best relationship with their grandparents, but I would’ve never imagined they would do such a horrible thing.
Blake was lucky because his grandparents on his mother’s side welcomed him with open arms. I saw him frowning and clenching his fists when he heard he would be taken away from his brothers.
But he didn’t say a word.
The other two were shocked. They didn’t even think for a single second that they would end up in such a place. They both looked at their grandparents, who were present at the funeral. Now, they were just moving away from the grave, without looking back.
How can some people be so cruel? How could you let someone suffer like this?
I looked at Lucas. His face was red from his anger, and I felt his need to punch the director right in the face. I excused us from the man, took Lucas aside, and got his cheeks in my hands.
“Remain calm, Lucas. You won’t last there longer than a day if you don’t calm down.”
“How do you want me to try to calm down?” he growled, looking like he was about to explode.
“They want to take us to a foster home, which is worse than living on the streets, just because our fucked-up grandparents don’t want us.
Moreover, we won’t have Blake, even though I know he will visit.
Also, Paul will escape that shit-hole next year, and I will remain there all by myself.
How the fuck can I calm down when I know we are orphans and nobody wants us? ”
“I want you,” I said softly, looking at him while sighing and closing his eyes for a couple of seconds.
I heard him count, but in reverse to help himself calm down.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. He took my face in his big hands and placed a small kiss on my forehead.
Not enough.
“I want you to come visit me in two days. We need to talk, I know that, but I need some time to process what just happened,” he said and turned away from me, not waiting for an answer.
So small and fragile, but at the same time too mature for his age.
?
I was walking next to my grandma to that orphanage. She has been an amazing moral support, and I just couldn’t do this without her. And I’m sure that they wouldn’t let a 15-year-old girl go in without an adult. I didn’t wanna end up among the lost souls of that place.
But, as I thought more about it, it might be a good idea to be close to the two of them…
No, it’s not!
My palms were sweating heavily, especially when the name of the orphanage came into my vision, and we stepped inside.
“Hello!” my grandma started talking. “We came to visit Lucas and Paul Stewart. They were brought to you two days ago.”
“Hello!” The nice lady from behind the only desk in the room welcomed us with a smile on her face. “Do you want to adopt them?” she asked, starting to type on the ancient keyboard in front of the computer on the table.
“We are just visiting… for now,” my grandma said, making my eyes sparkle when she winked at me.
“Just a moment, please,” the lady smiled.
I took a second to look around, already feeling sorry for the ones living in a place like this.
I definitely didn’t wanna end up here. Everything seemed so old.
The walls were cracked, as was the ceiling.
The paint was peeling everywhere, and when entering this hellhole, you could only see a simple wooden table in front of a middle-aged woman sitting on a chair that seemed like the only thing new here.
Even the computer she worked on seemed outdated.
“Unfortunately, they are not on our list. Are you sure these were the correct names?”
What she said made me panic and frown. That man told us that this is the right place. My grandma also heard the conversation and confirmed multiple times that this should be the correct location.
“Of course they are! Lucas is a boy taller than me, with blonde hair and green eyes. There’s no way he isn’t here,” I said in a small voice, not being able to describe Paul, either.
I was barely holding myself together, feeling my heart beating a lot faster. The fear wanted to capture me.
What if something horrible happened to him?
“Sadly, that wasn’t my shift,” she told us. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, dear, but I just don’t know how to help you. I can just ask my colleague and send you the details if you leave me a phone number,” she said, looking at my grandma.
She smiled at the lady and dictated the digits of her number, which the old lady noted on a piece of paper, alongside their description. We thanked her for the help and walked out of the foster home.
I felt like something inside me was breaking, making me cry a river. My grandma took my hand and got in front of me, looking me in the eyes and telling me we would find out where they were.
I nodded in understanding and started walking back home. I was getting angrier with every step I took, thinking about the fact that Lucas did something that I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive him for.