Chapter 18
The shadows’ watch
“This is Anmara, my girlfriend,” Marshall said to his parents with a smile on his face.
“Nice to meet you!”
The two people in front of me exchanged gazes, then smiled strangely and took turns greeting me.
“We are so glad that Marshall finally managed to bring us a girl home. He never had such a long relationship to be able to show us his girlfriends,” his dad said, smiling with a bit of sadness, while watching me with his intense black eyes, just like Marshall’s.
I blushed because of his compliment, but a feeling of unrest got over me because of his gaze.
Marshall invited me to dinner at his parents’ house to celebrate our six-month anniversary with them. Like he said: ‘It’s the perfect opportunity for them to get to know the girl who let me borrow her heart.’
The dinner went well. Pretty normal. We shared ideas, thoughts, and we ate a delicious meal prepared by his mother, who was an excellent cook.
I don’t know how her dishes could turn out this good since she was spending all day in the hospital with her patients.
It seemed that Marshall borrowed one of his best qualities from her, considering his culinary skills.
I was decent in the kitchen, but not as good as they were.
At the end of the dinner, the two men went to the kitchen to bring the dessert, and I remained alone with his mother, who turned all of her attention to me.
She was pretty quiet during dinner. She spoke only when she answered some questions, but I discussed more with Marshall’s dad. She looked too lost in her own thoughts.
Marshall said she often did that, and I should ignore her. She saw too much suffering through the hospital beds and was keeping all of it on the inside, not to let the negative emotion see the light of day.
But now, her gaze told me something completely different. It was full of distress.
She looked in the kitchen’s direction until we heard the door closing, and then turned to face me. She took my hands into hers, surprising me with her gesture.
“Please be careful with Marshall and take care of him,” she whispered, getting a little closer to me. “He suffered a lot and wasn’t always so… normal. He still isn’t. I like to see him smile, and I hope with all my heart that it’s a genuine one.”
Her words were already burning my insides while scaring the hell out of me.
“He’s a good guy, and I see you as a very caring girl, but I’m begging you to pay attention to everything that moves around him, ok? His eyes can…”
She didn’t finish her sentence. She quickly got back to her initial position the moment the kitchen door opened, suppressing the scared facial expression she had while she was talking to me.
I didn’t know what to do at that moment. She only nodded, like she was answering my mental questions, suggesting that I should act normal, as if nothing happened.
“Is everything alright, baby? What were you two talking about?” Marshall asked me when he sat next to me, putting one hand over mine.
“Yes, baby. We were discussing how sad I am because they haven’t accepted me at the job I applied to,” I said, making up an excuse and trying to smile.
It was true, but not for this night. I was still frustrated that the fucking firm only accepted people through nepotism. I excelled at the interview, but they still wouldn’t have me.
“As I told you before, you are more than welcome at my company. Don’t worry. You’ll find your place, my dear. People need to see how intelligent you are,” he said, smiling at me.
My heart said that I chose the right man, and I ignored the words full of pain from his mother.
PRESENT DAY
The discussion I had with the woman who gave birth to Marshall is still fresh in my memory, but now I’m seeing it with fresh eyes. I was so fucked up and ignorant with my brain, which tried to balance my feelings and her words. And failed, nonetheless.
As curious as I am to read more from his journal, I am scared to find out more. I never knew what was deep inside his thoughts, but what was on the surface. What he showed the world.
The image of a normal and loving man.
To hell with that!
I mean, yes, my strategy was good. The hatred for him increased significantly, but what is even more profound is the fear of him. I am afraid of the man I fell in love with and with whom I would’ve lived my whole life.
Ironically, I am staying next to the man who broke my heart in the past. The difference is that Lucas’s eyes are easier to read than Marshall’s. Feelings existed and still exist in them, not just the best-quality acting.
That is probably the reason I was so obsessed with books about human behaviour. I should’ve taken them more seriously. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in this situation.
“Are you ok, Anmara?” Lucas asks almost the same question that slipped through Marshall’s lips at that dinner.
I look at the two beauties with the look of fresh grass, and I read his concern. I don’t even need to look at another point on his face to figure that out. The feeling is clear as day in his eyes, combined with a small frown and his tight lips, which gives the emotion more credibility.
For once, I am also honest with myself. For the first time in too long.
“No, I’m not ok,” I say.
He frowns, and I see his thumb going to my left cheek to remove, in the most natural way, a tear that is rolling down on it.
“Wanna tell me what your brain cells are trying to concentrate on? You are so trapped in your own mind sometimes that I’m afraid you’ll become a prisoner of it,” he whispers, keeping his worried gaze over mine.
His palm grabs my cheek, and makes my head go unintentionally toward his warmth.
“And how many things is my mind trying to process, Lucas,” I answer in a small voice.
“I was so absorbed by love for too long. I didn’t listen to what people told me about Marshall.
I didn’t want to pay attention. I preferred to ignore them and think about how good he made me feel.
I lost too many people before and… I think I was also scared of losing the man who cared for me, whether he was acting or not.
I was too comfortable in his company and didn’t wanna let anyone disturb my peace of mind, which was way more toxic than I’d ever imagined. ”
I pause for a second and bite my bottom lip to try to abstain from crying harder.
“I loved a psychopath that could’ve killed me anytime, Lucas. Do you know how that feels?” I ask and sob, already feeling the tears running down my face.
Not even the blood from my lip could surpass the pain that my betrayed heart is feeling.
Lucas looks at me like he wants to say something, opening and closing his mouth.
“It is possible to scare you with what I’m about to tell you,” he manages to say.
“I also relied on Cathal’s people to supervise you.
Maybe even more than Blake. But, at some point, I had had enough of their help, and given that I have always been good at programming, I kinda invaded the cameras close to you.
From anywhere you may have gone with him.
You were always safe as long as I was watching you.
He couldn’t have killed you. I always had someone ready to intervene if things got out of hand.
I suspected from the beginning that something was suspicious about Marshall.
From the moment I saw him in that restaurant with you," he says, making my eyes go wide because of the shock brought by his words.
“I wanted to intervene, but you looked happy and didn’t wanna disturb you by walking back into your life.”
“Wait, what?”
I am stunned by what I found out. And I’m not talking about the cameras and the shadow-watch, but the fact that he was so close to me and I didn’t even know. Yes, I hated him back then for what he did to me, but a familiar face would’ve been helpful in that period.
He sighs.
“The night you met him, I had the intention of hugging you, of kissing you, of squeezing those sexy buttocks and making you feel good right there, for the whole world to see, even though you would’ve looked at me with hate again.
I would’ve probably got a slap from you before getting that far, though,” he laughs softly.
I feel my cheek burning, that warmth extending down below.
“I wanted to have you next to me for at least a couple of seconds, to know you are ok, to see that you’re not suffering as I’ve seen you looking unhappy at the window from your room.”
A sad smile rests over my lips while remembering the lost moments, in which I felt like nothing could cheer me up. That nobody could give me the motivation to live.
“Yes, I came near you when I was in town, and I was getting bored. I was and still am obsessed with your safety. Don’t judge me,” he frowns playfully, with a small smile on his lips.
“I did too many bad things to the world to not make a good one that would give me satisfaction, and the fact that your presence makes me speak my truth annoys the hell out of me. It’s frustrating," he says, making me smile.
“Also, I missed you so fucking much, and I wanted to fix my past mistakes because I still care so much for you, Anmara. As Blake said, you make me vulnerable, but it is a peaceful vulnerability compared to what I do on a daily basis," he says, gluing his forehead on mine.
We both close our eyes for a moment of silence that almost makes my heart get out of my chest.
He distances a little from me, making me lose a small part of his warmth, but he still stays close, looking at me with candour.
“Back to Marshall," he says, clearing his throat. “I saw how he stole your gaze as soon as he stepped into the restaurant, and I didn’t wanna ruin the pure and happy state you had. I was there, but you didn’t see me. I stayed hidden under my protective hoodie,” he sadly laughs.
“I didn’t wanna be the reason you were unhappy.
Not again, because I didn’t know when the next time I needed to disappear for a while would be. ”
“Why did you tell me that something was suspicious with Marshall?” I ask, making him sigh and carefully choose his words.
“I followed him after he left. I wanted to know what kind of man attracted you so hard, and if he was a trouble seeker like Blake and I were," he says, making us both smile. “I got out of the restaurant first to have a smoke to help me calm down because I didn’t manage to talk to you. The moment he stepped out of the restaurant, I looked at the expression on his face. It was fucking scary, Anmara. I don’t know how to explain how he was looking at a girl who wasn’t even 18," he says, and wipes the cascade that is already flowing from my eyes.
He continues talking while I’m following his glowing emeralds, as if he is trying to hold back his tears and not let them go.
“His eyes didn’t even reflect the feelings exposed by his sinister smile. They were emptier than a dead man’s. And trust me, I would know," he says, making me shiver.
“He shook his head so aggressively before getting in the car, like he wanted to stop himself from doing something reckless. When he opened the car’s door and looked at the entrance of the restaurant, I could read on his face an indescribable indifference.
It was like he hadn’t shared a hearty discussion with a beautiful girl just minutes ago.
He scared me and made me follow him from there on to make sure you weren’t in any danger that close to him.
I lost sight of him many times when he disappeared from next to you, but I didn’t really care.
I was more interested in your safety," he says, making me put my hands over his and get a tired smile from him.
I am fighting not to kiss him. I don’t care how much he hurt me in the past anymore. I just want to know how the story goes and to feel him close to me.
“But,” he continues, “since two years ago when Cathal laid his eyes on Marshall’s creation…
I started studying him closely and came up with a plan to take him away from you, but in the process, I brought the devil closer.
Cathal started to get suspicious. He saw I wasn’t doing my job the way I used to, especially after I started the plan and Blake left.
My vanishing set him off, and now he gave me two days to find out the secrets of Marshall’s drug. ”
“Does he want you to kill him?” I ask with my wide eyes.
“No, not at all. He needs him, but he also needs me to get the secret formula out of him. I don’t think that the journal will tell us the exact quantities he used, so I may need to force it out of him, even though it seems impossible.”
“Why?”
“Because that is what he tried to do with the drug. To create a version that would give him normal feelings, from what I found out while I was studying him. He had a good intention to start, because he was frustrated that he couldn’t feel anything.
He created the marketing company to exercise his fake emotions on people, to see if he could make them believe in the products he was selling.
He also has a degree in chemistry and did a ton of experiments on animals.
I know that his parents are meds, but I still don’t know how he could get his hands on so many rodents.
I couldn’t find out more, but I know that he was excited about what he secretly did, and his parents were worried for him, because he disappeared from home for weeks when he was little. ”
“The problem is that I’ve dealt with people with no emotions in the past. They held their thoughts in an impenetrable prison, and not even I can find out what goes through their mind.
I saw that at Paul, too. Apparently, he managed to make a version of himself through his drug, but a lethal one,” he frowns.
“Then how do you want to find out?”
I retract my hands, but he quickly gets them, intertwining his fingers with mine. He then looks at me with pity before talking. I figure out what he wants to tell me before opening his mouth, and his words aren’t just confirming my dark thoughts, but amplifying them.
“Cathal wants me to use you to find out. I didn’t wanna do this, but the crazy motherfucker with too much power is right.”
He pauses, then inhales profoundly and closes his eyes. He speaks when he opens them, breathing out all the words.
“You need to meet with a psychopath to not be killed by the devil.”