Chapter 33
Chapter
Thirty-Three
TIA
H earing the perfect words from Rem’eb doesn’t ease my mind.
I want to be overjoyed. But I can’t be, not if he’s only staying out of guilt. That wasn’t what I wanted out of this. I wanted him to stay with me because he loved me, but after talking with Gail, I understand how important helping his people is. I can’t keep him if it destroys the lives of others.
I’ve been devastated over the situation, and this doesn’t fix it. I might get what I want, but he doesn’t, and that’s just as bad.
We help everyone down the ladder, a few more wobbly than others. Noj’me seems fine, but Set’nef keeps blinking as if his eyes bother him, so the brothers are separated and tied to Rukh, who patiently makes the climb down over and over again while Harlow tinkers with the computer.
I climb down ahead of Rem’eb, still tied together, and go slowly. When we’re on the ground once more, I breathe a sigh of relief and put my arms around his waist. It’s an automatic reaction, the need to touch him overwhelming. My thoughts are both hopeful and troubled, but I know that right now, Rem’eb is probably suffering from what feels like the worst hangover ever.
“Come on,” I say, patting his hip. “I’ll stoke the fire and put on some tea. You need to eat and drink something and your head will feel better soon.”
Rem’eb nods, silent. That’s fine. I’m guessing there’s a lot to process right now. The brothers Set’nef and Tal’nef also seem a little shell-shocked, so I sit them all by the fire and make tea for everyone. Then, I open up a bag of trail mix and jerky and pass out handfuls while the others work their way down from the ship.
Harlow’s the last one to return, along with her mate. She kisses both her kids on the forehead, ruffles their hair, and then sits down by the fire. “We’ll rest up for the rest of the day and then head back first thing in the morning.”
Chalath takes a bite of jerky, a frown on his feline face. Even though he didn’t get the language-laser like the others, the moment I handed out food, he insisted on some. “That’s it? That’s all we’re doing here?”
“Is there a reason to stay?” Harlow asks him. “The ship interior is fragile, and the less people stomping around on the floors, the better.”
“You ran the tests you needed?” I ask.
She nods, turning to Colleen, who didn’t get the information dump, either. “And you? Are you satisfied?”
Colleen nods glumly. “I wouldn’t trust that thing to go ten feet, much less take me through several solar systems. I guess we’re stuck here.”
“It is not so bad, my friend.” Noj’me flings her arms around Colleen and cuddles the smaller woman against her. “Think of this as a new adventure.”
“Yes, because I’m so darn adventurous,” Colleen gripes, but she remains in Noj’me’s arms and doesn’t seem nearly as grumpy.
The alien woman strokes Colleen’s wispy blonde hair as she looks at the rest of us. “I suppose I am satisfied with what I have learned from the Great Oracle. It is most curious that it has the same answers as my Oracle.”
“That’s because they’re still transmitting to one another. There’s a network of some kind between them that we should be able to tap into,” Harlow continues. She glances at her mate, who nods. “Which is why Rukh and the kids and I are going to go on to Croatoan instead of heading back to Icehome Beach.”
“What?” Chalath looks displeased, and even rather emotionless-seeming Natalie looks concerned.
“I want to talk to Mardok. He knows a lot about old ships and the computer systems they used. I’m afraid to change anything in case I break something irreparable. Mardok might know how we can set up some sort of communication system using the shared signal with the pod in the caves. If that’s the case, we might be able to send messages back and forth from Croatoan to Icehome, and even to Rem’eb and Noj’me’s people.” Harlow’s eyes are bright with excitement at the possibility and her gaze settles on me. “If we can send instant messages to each other, think of how much better that will be for families that are apart. Remember those letters you sent to I’rec? Those took months to go back and forth because Ashtar didn’t visit all that often during the brutal seasons.”
“Letters?” Rem’eb asks, looking over at me.
“Messages,” I reply absently. “Written ones. I sent them to him constantly while I was away.”
And not once did he reply. I guess I should have realized I was barking up the wrong tree then. Doesn’t matter now, because I feel nothing for I’rec other than a vague fondness for an old friend. Instead, I’m wondering how a message system will change Rem’eb’s decision. If he can send me messages directly to the beach, is he going to return home anyhow and just send me a note every now and then? Maybe that’s the best of both worlds and all we can hope for.
“I don’t want anyone getting too excited yet,” Harlow continues. “It’s going to need some work before anything moves forward, but I’m excited about the possibility.”
“If you are going on to the other village, what about the rest of us?” Chalath asks. He hands a chunk of jerky over to Natalie, who takes it from his clawed hand without question and eats it. He frowns at Harlow. “How do we get back?”
“Oh. Well, Tia knows the way. Right?” Harlow looks over at me.
I nod. “Yeah, I’ve done it a few times now.” Granted, most of them were flying, but I know the route that Ashtar takes each time. He follows the mountains until he gets to a big purple one with an icier-looking peak than most, and then turns east and heads for the shore. Even from the ground, it’ll be hard to miss a mountain. I’m confident I can lead them back.
Chalath eyes me with a sour expression. “Her?”
Rem’eb jumps to his feet, a glare on his face and fists clenched. “You have a problem?”
I put a calming hand on one of his angry fists. “It’s fine. He can stay here for all I care.”
Rem’eb shoots Chalath another scowl, but his shoulders relax a bit. My mate turns to me and offers his hand. “I have a headache and wish to lie down in the tent. Will you join me?”
Getting to my feet, I put my hand in his and give the others a weak smile. “Anyone’s welcome to stay here if they don’t want to come back with us. I can send a search party for you later.”
“Harsh,” Colleen mutters as we head off.
I don’t care if it’s harsh. If they don’t think I’m capable, I can send someone else after them later. They’ll be fine as long as they stay close to the base of the ship. I’ve got bigger worries—namely what’s going to happen with Rem’eb and me. This is a conversation we need to have.
So why is my gut clenched so tight? He said he wanted to stay with me.
I’m just not sure it’s the right answer because it screws over everyone else for our happiness. I’m not sure I can live with that.
When we’re alone in the small tent, I pull my boots off and then curl up on the furs as he peels off his outer layers and then does the same. He sits across from me, crossing his legs, and then reaches for my hands. When he talks, he pitches his voice low and soft so no one else can eavesdrop. “We are here, my Tia. I can understand all your words now. Speak your feelings to me.”
My mouth goes dry. I lick my lips, thinking. I’ve wanted to say so much to him for weeks, and now that I can, my brain empties out. “I wanted to tell you how I feel,” I begin. “That was my goal for you to get this language from the ship. I needed to say everything I could to you before you left me.”
“I do not think I can leave you now. Not with a child on the way.” Rem’eb gives his head a little shake. “I knew it would be difficult, but with every day that passes, I think of waking up without you at my side, without seeing the face of our child, and I realize I am far too weak to let that happen. I care for my people, but I will give up everything for you, my mate.”
Tears fill my eyes. “But you shouldn’t have to. I hate that this is a them-or-me situation. Even if I win, I don’t feel like I’m truly winning . Someone else is going to suffer for my happiness.”
“Then you do not want me to stay?” His expression is tight, as if he’s holding back agony. “Is it because of I’rec? And the messages you sent to him?”
The messages…I stare at him in surprise. Is he jealous? “I’rec resonated to someone else before I even knew you.”
“That does not mean your heart has moved on.” He looks uneasy, his fingers twitching against mine as we hold hands, as if he wants to clutch me tighter.
I shake my head. “There’s nothing between me and I’rec. Our entire relationship was messy. Do you know I was sent away from the Icehome tribe? I was young and I flirted with all the single guys…and they flirted back. The attention was so nice. God. For the first time, I felt like the center of the universe. But then they also got jealous of each other and started fights, and so I was sent away because they decided that guys that hunt and contribute were worth keeping and I wasn’t.” My voice grows bitter and I realize that yes, I’m still resentful of the entire situation. I haven’t forgotten, haven’t forgiven. “I went to Croatoan and lived with strangers, and they were so lovely and kind to me. They didn’t make me feel like I was a problem. Like I was some beach Jezebel.”
And yet they still weren’t my people. Everyone at Croatoan was friendly and wonderful, but they had all known each other for so long, had bonds together that I couldn’t possibly understand, and no matter how much they tried to include me, I still felt like the odd one out. I was the only unmated woman, the only unmated person of my age, and the only stranger. No matter how I tried, I still felt like the odd one out.
It’s why I returned to Icehome. I wanted to see if it felt more like home than being at Croatoan for four years, or if I’d always feel like the one that didn’t belong.
“It was wrong of them to reject you,” Rem’eb tells me fervently. “Any male would be proud to claim you as his mate and have you at his side.”
I shake my head. I don’t know if he’d understand about my childhood of boarding schools, of summer camps away from home and nannies because my parents were never around. I never lacked for pretty clothes, or the newest phones. Just…attention. Affection. Maybe that’s why I need it so badly. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much when Rem’eb doesn’t see me. “Then why haven’t you asked me to go back with you? To your people?”
Rem’eb’s expression is stunned. His mouth falls open. “I…I did not think to ask. I did not realize you were waiting for me to ask you.”
“I didn’t realize I needed you to ask until just now.” I shrug. “I guess I needed to hear from you that you wanted me.”
“I do want you. I want you more than anything.” Even as he holds my hands, he lifts his others and cups my face. “I cannot bear the thought of one morning without you by my side, and that is why I have not asked you to return to my people with me. I would never let them put you behind a wall.”
I give him an encouraging smile. “Then you take down the wall.”
Rem’eb hesitates. “That is my goal, but it might take time. Some will be resistant to it. Some will worry that the sickness will spread again. That we are making things unsafe for the very females we seek to protect.”
“Did anyone ever ask these women if they wanted to be behind a wall?” I shake my head, playing with his fingers. “People are allowed to choose if they want to be with their mates or not. Maybe some will want to stay behind the wall, but others will want to be with their families. They will want freedom. No one deserves to be shut away because they’re a problem.”
“Like you were?” he asks softly.
I nod. Maybe I have more in common with the women there than I thought. “Things are changing, too. Like Harlow said, we might be able to send messages back and forth through the pod—the Oracle. Even if we can’t, we can send runners back and forth. If you have an outbreak of sickness in your village, I know Veronica would come and help out.”
He considers this. “She is the dragon’s mate? The one with the special khui?”
“She’s a healer, yes.”
Rem’eb nods thoughtfully. “If she comes to our village, I am not certain my people would ever let her go.”
His worry makes me chuckle. “Have you seen her mate? They can try .”
Rem’eb laughs, and I don’t realize how rare the sound is until now. My poor, serious, sweet man. He carries far too much on his shoulders for one person. His smile fades a little as he gazes at me, stroking my cheek again. “I just do not wish to risk you.”
“You won’t. If things go sour, you can help me escape again.” I give his hands a cheery little shake to go with my joke. “Now that both our people are aware of each other, the cat’s out of the bag, as my people say. There’s no going back. We’re always going to know of each other, but that’s not a reason to be fearful. We can share the fruit cave and its wealth. Better yet, we can establish trade between our people. You grow those mushrooms and you have that gorgeous cloth, and we have red meat and furs and roots.” I beam at him, excited by the prospect. “Heck, for all we know, your people’s sickness isn’t contagious. Maybe it’s a vitamin deficiency of some kind from living underground.”
He blinks at me, a worried look on his face. “I thought I had all your words but I was wrong. What is vy-ta-men? De-fish? Cat bag?”
I laugh with delight. “Unimportant things. I’m just spitballing. You don’t know that word either. Okay, I’m just tossing ideas in the air because I’m excited over what we can accomplish together.”
Rem’eb’s gaze searches mine. “You would truly come with me? Leave behind everything and live in the caves with me?”
He sounds so uncertain that it makes my anxiety kick in. I fight the urge to pull my hands from his grip. “I mean…only if you wanted me.”
“I want you. I want you more than anything, my Tia. But…what about your people? What about your home here? The loom you wished to bring them?”
“The beach isn’t my home any more than the other village—Croatoan—was. Everyone was nice and kind, but I didn’t feel like it was my place, my home. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a home.” It sounds so pathetic that I feel obligated to continue. “Even when I was a child, my parents would send me to live with others so I could get the best education, the most well-rounded learning so I could get into the most prestigious colleges. All I wanted was to feel like I belonged. Like I was wanted. Important. The only person that’s ever made me feel like I’m valued is you . The only time I truly feel settled is with you. The only person that makes me feel heard and loved and valued…is you. Maybe you’re my home.”
Rem’eb groans, leaning in to lightly kiss me. His gaze moves over mine. “You are certain you wish to do this?”
“As long as you promise you’re going to tear that wall down. I didn’t come across the universe for my mate just to live apart from him.”
A grin flashes over his mouth before he kisses me again. “There will be resistance.”
“No one likes change, but I don’t give a fuck,” I whisper against his lips. “And are you the Chief’s Fist or not?”
“Oh, I am,” he practically purrs, the sound thrumming along with his contented khui. “My beautiful stranger. You are so much more than I dreamed of.”
“Just say that you want me,” I tell him, feeling vulnerable and suddenly afraid. Am I truly lucky enough to get all that I want for a change? “Say that you want me and I’ll go to the ends of the world with you.”
“Nothing would make me happier than for you to be by my side for the rest of my days.” He kisses along my jaw, tilting my face before sliding to my neck. “I am the luckiest of males to have you as my mate. And if you cannot bear to be amongst my people, then we will return to yours. Or we will make our own village. I care not. Just stay with me.”
With a happy sigh, I throw my arms around his neck and pull him in for another hungry kiss.
His hands roam over me as our mouths meld, and this time when tears slide down my face, they’re tears of joy. I kiss him wildly as he works my pants down my hips, just enough that I can lift my body to kick them off and aside. With trembling fingers, I pull him free from his leggings and then his slender, perfect shaft is in my hand, the edge of his frill somehow hotter than the rest of his skin.
We both groan with pleasure when I seat myself upon him, and he cradles my face, gazing down at me with such love and devotion as I rock my hips over his length. When he’s deep inside me—so deep it feels as if he’s touching my womb—his frill spreads inside me, the sensation making hot pleasure ripple deep. I can feel it flutter and push against my walls, and when he pulses, it makes me clench around him until I climax. I come, clutching hard to him as he fills me with his seed.
“Mine,” he whispers, leaning down to kiss me. “All mine.”
For the first time, I believe it.