Chapter 3 #2
“I know.” She sighed. She did trust him, with everything in her.
She just couldn’t have him. The thought of vile Sabrina taking Han as her familiar made Iliana want to commit bloodshed.
It won’t happen, she consoled herself. Han would be a wizard.
He just had to be. “We worked on magic transference is all. The familiars had to practice yielding up every drop of magic and the wizards learned to take as much as possible.”
Han glared at her in the mirror, as if it had been her idea. “That sounds dangerous.”
“They had Refoel healers standing by and I was pronounced just fine—like I told you—and was told to eat and rest.”
He held her gaze a beat longer. “Then we’ll feed you. Cork up the imp.”
“It’s almost done. Rushing me won’t help.” And she didn’t want Sabrina and that crew seeing her looking ragged. Han had done her a favor pointing it out.
“This is more than magic drain,” Han decided, scrutinizing her face. “Something upset you. It better not have been Sabrina Hanneil.”
“If it was, neither of us can do anything about it.” The imp had thankfully finished and Iliana decided she looked marginally better.
She coaxed it back into its bottle home and corked it again, turning and smiling brightly into Han’s scowl.
He stood much too close, so she popped him on the upper chest with the heels of her hands.
“Out of my way, you hulk,” she said teasingly.
But he wrapped his hands around her wrists, not budging, searching her face.
His hands on the sensitive skin of her wrists and the headiness of his full, focused attention made her heart skip a few beats.
“You don’t have to take Sabrina’s abuse,” he said in a low voice, looking dangerous in a way he rarely did. That took her breath away, too.
“I do have to take however Sabrina decides to treat me,” she reminded him. “As she is a wizard and I’m a familiar.”
“You’re not her familiar.”
No, and she hoped she never would be. But she’d still trade places with Han if he turned out to be a familiar and Sabrina was serious about bonding him.
“You and I both know I have no recourse. Besides,” she said with stern emphasis when he opened his mouth to argue, “the professor supervised the exercise and there was nothing that crossed the line.”
“Iliana,” he began with exasperation, fingers tightening on her wrists in his frustration, though the contact made her wish he was holding her that way for other reasons, perhaps pinning her wrists to the bed so he could… Don’t imagine it. “We both know that Sabrina is—”
“Irrelevant to this conversation,” she interrupted, wriggling out of his grip and slipping to the side, deftly evading him.
At least she could breathe now, though her skin felt lonely where he’d touched her.
“It was simply a difficult exercise, Han. The point was to know how full magic draining works and how it feels. We all learned something, which is why we’re here at Convocation Academy. ”
“But, Sabrina—”
“But, Sabrina nothing!” Iliana threw up her hands. “I’m not fragile, Han. I’m a dedicated student of my profession and I want to learn these skills.”
A muscle in his clean-shaven jaw ticced as he set his teeth. “No one is a more dedicated student than you are,” he ground out. “And I know you’re not fragile, but magic drain alone wouldn’t put that look in your eyes. You don’t have to put up with abuse from the likes of—”
“It does mean that, Han.” She took his hand again, a bit startled when he held on with sudden fervor, his lovely eyes a bit more green than usual with anger.
“What if I’m bonded to a wizard that I don’t like?
I have to be able to work with anyone. That’s part of what today’s lesson taught us.
Also, I don’t want to be unkind, but you are an uncat and you have no idea what full magic drain feels like! ”
He was quiet a moment, interlacing his fingers with hers. “That bad?”
“If feeling like you’ve had your guts pulled out and all the blood drained from your body is bad, then yes,” she said, trying for a joke, but it came out kind of wobbly and pitiful.
He lifted his other hand to her cheek, caressing it with something like tenderness, sending her heart thumping again. “I’m sorry I was being obtuse. Did you meditate to replenish?”
“I fell asleep first.” She rolled her eyes, trying to pretend she wasn’t trembling under the feather-light caress of his fingers. “Besides, meditation only does so much when I’m this drained.”
“I can only imagine,” he replied softly. His fingers drifted down to her throat, where surely he must feel her frantic pulse, then behind her neck under her hair. “There’s something else we could try.”
She tried to shake her head, but she couldn’t seem to move, held rapt by those beautiful eyes and the devastating caress of his clever fingers. “You know the erotic techniques are for bonded wizard–familiar pairings.”
“Only because they don’t want us getting attached without permission,” he retorted, still tracing the skin at her nape, the sensation more dizzying than any magic drain. Except that her magic was rebounding, rising in response to his sweet caresses.
“Which is why we can’t do this,” she cautioned breathlessly, hoping he’d stop because she didn’t think she could.
His gaze dropped to her lips and her heart thumped in anguished anticipation. Surely he wasn’t going to kiss her. “Can’t we?” he murmured. “One kiss, just to make you feel better.”
Oh. Was that his only reason? “Han…” She couldn’t think of what to say.
He lowered his head, releasing her hand so he could wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “Let me kiss you, Iliana, please.”
What could she say? “Yes,” she breathed, the inevitable answer.
A shudder went through him, a mirror to her own trembling, his keen-edged magic palpable in the narrowing space between their lips.
His brushed hers, a tantalizing caress, magic sparking between them.
He groaned her name, a tremor of sound against her mouth, and she wound her fingers into his tunic, as if preventing him from escaping.
She kissed him fiercely, drinking from his lips, as if she could pull his magic into her.
She couldn’t, but it felt that way, her magic billowing up to fill the parched lacunae in her deepest being.
Their tongues tangled together, both of them holding tight to each other, like castaways adrift on a stormy sea. She’d wanted this forever, dreamed about it, and it was better than any of her fantasies. If only they had done this long ago... No.
With crashing panic, she remembered why they hadn’t ever done this. Why they still couldn’t.
Wrenching away from him, she nearly staggered, pressing her hands to her racing heart, her breathing ragged. Han stared back at her, blue eyes brilliant and filled with wild desire. For her.
It was everything she’d ever wanted—and everything she could never have.
“Iliana…” Han reached for her and she backed away.
“We cannot do this,” she told him, trying to sound firm, instead sounding like she was pleading with him.
“We already did.” His gaze traveled over her, leaving fire and lightning in its wake, and returned to face. “It was everything.”
“It can’t be!” she shot back at him. “This isn’t allowed. You know that.”
“It only isn’t allowed if there’s no future for us. But there will be.”
Words failed her. He edged closer, tentatively setting his hands on her hips. “I’m going to be a wizard,” he said firmly.
“I know you are.” She lifted a hand to his cheek, cupping it with a breath of a touch, not trusting herself to do more than that. “You’re going to be amazing.”
He didn’t reply immediately, a fine tension running through him. “If—when, I am. Iliana, would you be my familiar?”
Her heart thudded to a full stop, her ears ringing. “Han, I…”
“I don’t want anyone else,” he said in a rush. “I’m in love with you. Please say yes.”
Oh, she wanted to. She’d dreamed of this moment, of hearing these words. And yet… somehow in her daydreams all the other obstacles didn’t exist. There’d been a fairytale aspect to the fantasy in which Han loved her and carried her off to some paradisical land where they lived on love.
Which was not the Convocation, with its sharply defined roles and rigid expectations. Besides, Han wasn’t a wizard yet. He might think he wanted her now, but that could change. And that was before his family got involved in the matter.
“What is it?” Han whispered, stricken. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same. Not after that spectacular kiss.”
“Han…” Her throat was too dry and she had to swallow. “We’ve been friends for a long time and this is very sudden.”
He glared at her, eyes full of fire. “It’s not sudden. Yes, we’ve been friends for years, the best of friends. I can love you as a friend and as a familiar. Unless…” He hesitated, searching her face. “Unless you don’t want me?”
There was no world in which she didn’t want him. But this was a crazy conversation to be having. Deliberately, she disentangled herself from him. “First of all, while I absolutely believe in you, you are not yet certified as a wizard, so any decisions like this are premature.”
When he opened his mouth to argue, she laid her fingers over his lips.
Which was a mistake because they burned her skin, tempting her to replace her fingers with her own lips again.
She yanked her hand away again. “Second, we both know the decision won’t be up to us.
The Convocation will want to determine our compatibility.
And your family will want to have a say. ”
“I can handle my family,” he bit out, eyes a blue as hot as the magical fires in the laboratory.
She knew better than to argue with that, as it would only tempt Han to entrench more. “And can you handle the Convocation, too?”
“I’m willing to fight for you,” he retorted. “They’re not the final say. Unless you’re telling me you don’t want to be my familiar.”
And there it was, the scary truth of it all.
Maybe it was her classmate raising the specter of Fascination in class today, but it hit Iliana with knee-weakening realization that if Fascination was real, and if she became Han’s familiar, then she’d risk losing herself.
She was already unhealthily attached to him, even obsessed, as Alise had once gently suggested.
As much as Iliana loathed the thought of being bonded to a wizard she hated, like vile Sabrina, or someone equally awful, there would be a certain amount of emotional freedom in disliking them.
Her hatred would give her space inside to be entirely herself.
If she loved her wizard like she already loved Han, and that was without the bonding or the Fascination…
“Iliana?” Han spoke her name tentatively, rare uncertainty crossing his face that nearly broke her heart.
She put her fingertips to her temples, not an act as her head swam dizzily. “I just can’t think right now. I’m so tired, and I’m starving.”
“Of course.” He smiled, relief and his usual sweetness in it. “Again I’m being thoughtless. Let’s get you fed.” He tripped the lock on her door, opened it, and gestured her through with a courtly bow that made her laugh.
Han could always make her laugh. But he couldn’t be hers. Better to get her head straight about that.