Chapter Twenty #3
“Past tense,” he adds, and I snap my head up. “I never met anyone I wanted out of bed as much as in it. Until you stepped into my life, and now… even though I was fighting it, you’re all I think about. I never expected this to happen, and honestly, it’s so fucking unreal it’s like I’m dreaming.”
He’s not the only one. I sit there silently because only Sel can put me at a loss for words.
“It’s not just you, Finn, and it’s not just sex between us.
Jesus, I made an ass of myself this morning because I was jealous of Cory.
” He leans his head on his hand and smiles at me.
“What I’m trying to say is, I have those same feelings for you.
And only you. So yes, I want us to be together and exclusive. ”
With the possessive way he’s looking at me, I’m about to leap off my chair and jump him.
Sel holds his hand up.
“But,” he continues. “Let’s take it slow and see what happens.
And if you change your mind, I’ll accept that.
We keep this a secret. You might not want to come out and I don’t want you to go through what I did.
It’s harder to be queer when you’re in the public eye.
No lie, some days I’m still struggling.”
I lean forward, concerned.
“Have you talked to anyone? A therapist or doctor?” I ask.
“My doctor, but no, not a therapist. It’s probably time I do. New York’s been great, except for Brady and his sidekick, obviously, but I haven’t been going out like I did back in Chicago, before everything imploded. I’m isolating and it’s getting to me.”
“So many guys on the team are great and I’m sure they’d like to hang out.
They’re not assholes like Brady. And you know you can talk to me about this stuff, right?
I have lots of queer friends who came out and they shared their experiences.
I don’t know if that would help, or if I could help you, but I’ll try. ”
“You being part of my life is helping. More than you know.”
And there goes my heart tripping again…
“I’m still getting used to this, you and me,” I confess. “And you’re right, we don’t tell anyone for now.”
Sel nods.
“I don’t know how team management and our colleagues would react.
Hugo tells me the Rush organization is inclusive, but it’s one thing to say that and it’s another when it’s two of their own players in a relationship.
If it does get out and things get rough, I promise you, no matter what, I’ll do everything to support you. ”
Knowing we want the same thing, and how protective Sel is, makes my eyes sting. Eventually I want to come out, but I can’t lie; I’m frightened. Telling my friends would be fine, but the public? My family? There’s a lot of unknowns.
Sel crooks his finger and urges me to come to him.
My legs are rubber so I get up slowly and step closer.
His hand reaches for mine and when our fingers interlock, I drop all my guards.
Questions are for another day. Lying down on top of him, I’m surrounded by his body heat, and stare into those deep, dark eyes that get me every time.
I get the feeling that I’m home and I don’t fight it.
Notching my head under his chin, he wraps his arms around me, one hand on my back and one gripping my neck.
I slide my arms around his waist, chest to chest, our hearts beating wildly.
“Are you alright?” he asks as he gently kisses my temple.
Considering the way my pulse rate’s spiking, I’m not sure.
“Happy, but in shock,” I mumble into his skin and nuzzle his jawline. “I need a moment to let this sink in.”
“You’re shaking so hard.”
“I thought that was you.” I glance up. “And yeah, I’m more than good, it’s just that the coming out part scares me. But I will be ready, someday.”
“You come out when it’s comfortable for you. For yourself, not for me.”
“But you said you didn’t want to go back in the closet.”
“As far as the media’s concerned, with the publicity about Taylor, I’m not.”
I’m about to reveal that I might be a wee bit jealous of Taylor, but I don’t want to ruin the moment.
“Two more fake dates to go and that’s it,” Sel continues. “I’m telling Hugo enough.”
“What if he wants to set you up with someone else?”
Another stunning athlete? My body goes rigid.
“No,” he whispers. “Not happening.”
He squeezes me tighter.
“I wish we didn’t have to hide,” I admit. “I feel horrible that you have to deal with this again.”
“I’m not going back in the closet, but my private life can stay private. I want to be with you more than anything else.”
He cups my face and pulls me in for the sweetest, sexiest kiss, and my heart feels like it’s going to implode. But as soon as we start reaching for each other’s clothes, I know we’re about to fall off this couch and onto the glass coffee table. Yikes, I’m not into that kind of pain.
We come up for air and I whisper, “Is that enough talking for tonight?”
“Yes. Maybe later.” He runs his thumb over my slick lips. “First, I need you in my bed.”
That’s all I need to hear. I launch off Sel and the couch.
“Last one naked makes breakfast!” I yell over my shoulder.