Chapter Thirty #4
“You’re my baby, Sel. I want to talk to him and make sure he’s good to you. Arrange it.”
“Can we be on the call too?” Karson grins. “I won’t believe this until Finn confirms it.”
“Yeah,” Atticus chuckles. “We need to ask the rookie why he’s dating this old guy.”
I offer my brothers my middle fingers and ignore their snickering.
“This was supposed to be a serious conversation,” I remind them.
“You’re capable of that?” Karson quips.
“It’s me, Sel,” Atticus snorts. “I can’t do it. Sorry.”
I groan in frustration. “Are you guys done?”
“Hey,” Atticus replies. “You started it by yelling, out of nowhere, that you’re in love with Finn.”
“Can we talk about something else?” I plead. “Atticus, what are you doing for Christmas?”
I know there are a shitload of questions my brothers want to ask, because we’re nosy like that, but thankfully, they take the hint and move on.
The rest of the call is Atticus catching us up on his life in Sweden and his plans to spend the holiday with some of the single expats on the team.
After half an hour, we say our goodbyes.
When the call ends, Mom is surprisingly subdued.
“Forgive me, I’m tired,” she announces and pats my hand and then Karson’s. “I’m heading to bed. Sleep well.”
Coco and Bean pop up and follow her down the hallway. As soon as they’re out of sight, Karson nudges me in the ribs with his sharp elbow.
“Hey, so—”
“Sorry, Kar, we can continue to talk about my love life tomorrow,” I yawn. “And I’m too tired for any more swimming competitions. I’m gonna hit the sack.”
“I wasn’t going to ask about any of that. It’s not about you. It’s about me.”
The drop in his tone of voice is telling, and when I look over, his eyes are troubled. My brotherly instincts launch into high alert.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need to tell you something and I need to do it now,” he continues, his foot tapping a nervous rhythm. “You’ve got to keep this between us.”
Karson swallows hard and places a hand over his mouth, like he’s not sure if he should say anything.
“What is it?”
“I feel like crap,” he mumbles, looking down.
“Why?”
“You’re not the only one carrying a secret.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never,” Karson pauses and shakes his head. “Fuck, I’ve never said this out loud before but I… I… shit, this is hard.”
I pat his shoulder.
“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”
He coughs and clears his throat.
“I’m gay.”
I still, and so does my brother, as we stare at each other in stunned silence.
“Fucking hell, I can’t believe I finally said it,” Karson whispers.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
“I’ve been locking that down for so long,” Karson continues, his voice shaky. “Because of the game. The fear of losing hockey is why I’ve kept up the lie, and I don’t know if I can stop. I act confident, but that’s all it is. An act. Look at me and look at you. I’m not brave like you are, Sel.”
That statement snaps me out of my shock.
“Don’t say that, Kar. I thought the same as you, and look how long it took me?” I give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Does anyone else know? Your friends? Atticus?”
He shakes his head.
“No one,” he sighs. “Well, someone, but no one really.”
I’m confused.
“Anyway,” Karson continues. “I’ve tried, you know, dating women, and I keep up the flirting, but it’s never felt right. I knew how I felt for a long time, but I never acted on it. Not until I was twenty-one.”
That was the year he played in the Olympics.
Karson shakes his head. “And before you ask, I don’t want to talk about it.”
I’m curious, but I don’t push.
“And you’ve been living with this secret all this time?”
Karson nods and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Damn, it’s good to finally get that off my chest. I should’ve told you sooner.”
“You told me when it felt right.”
Karson runs a hand through his hair and sighs.
“I didn’t see a way that I could be me and still have a career in the league, not until you came out publicly.
Ever since, my mind’s been churning, working overtime.
I know it’s been hard for you, and Chicago was a mess, but you seem to be thriving with the Rush.
And seeing that lovestruck expression on your face has me kind of envious.
I never allowed myself to imagine it was possible, but now—”
Instead of replying, I pull him in for a hug. We’re both shaking.
“Thanks for telling me, Kar. It’s gonna be alright.”
“Thanks for listening,” he mutters and slaps my back. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything until now, I just—”
“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s your life, Kar, you decide.”
We pull away from each other but not before he taps my leg.
“One other thing. I’m not ready to tell Mom or Atticus. Not that they’ll have any issue, but first I need time to figure out, you know, how I want to do this, the next steps.”
“Of course.”
“I could stay closeted, but who knows how long my hockey career might be? I can’t take another four years of pretending, never mind ten or fifteen.”
“No one gets it more than me.” I look at him and grip his shoulder. “And you know no matter what, I’ve always got your back.”