Chapter 2 #2
You shouldn’t notice these things about your teammates.
We walk in a comfortable silence to the frat house that’s hosting tonight’s party.
There are bodies writhing on the makeshift dance floor in the living room.
The thumping bass rattles the walls, and we’re greeted by backslaps and high fives for bringing the conference title back to Whilton U for another year.
See? I’m a rock star here.
Placing my hand on Colby’s shoulder, I give it a gentle squeeze and lean in closer so he can hear me over the loud music. “Try to take your mind off those assholes, and have some fun. You’ve just won the conference final, Colbs! Enjoy it.”
“I’ll try.” He gives me a small smile, then his attention is dragged to where a pink-haired girl waves at him from the kitchen, and he disappears into the crowd.
The urge to follow him spikes, but before I can take a step forward and act on it, Liam appears at my side. He throws his arm around my shoulders and pulls me over to where they’re setting up beer pong in the dining room.
“You’re on my team,” he tells me, shoving a red Solo cup into my hand. “We can’t have the fucking lacrosse team winning again. They won’t let us live it down.”
“Yeah, sure, bud.” I nod, patting his chest, then try my best to put Colby and the whole situation to the back of my mind and focus on the beer pong.
We win two rounds, lose the third, and during the fourth round, I’m unable to tear my eyes away from Colby as I catch him throwing back drink after drink.
His eyes have turned a little glassy, cheeks flushing a light shade of pink.
He tips his head back and laughs at something some guy says, but the tension he wore earlier has returned, lining his neck and shoulders, and you’d have to know him well to know that the smile he’s currently wearing is somewhat forced.
I know it, because I see him.
All the fucking time.
Everywhere I go, my attention always falls on Colby McKay.
It’s hard not to. From his messy, blond hair to his hazel eyes that change color depending on his mood and energy levels.
When he’s pumped, they turn golden, sparkling like citrine, but when he’s tired, they’re more chestnut brown with only flecks of gold.
He’s the most talented player I’ve ever seen, but it isn’t his skill on the ice that has me captivated with him whenever he’s around.
It’s him. His aura. His gentle smile and vulnerability that he tries so hard to keep hidden.
“What’s up, Becksy?” Liam asks, snagging my attention away from Colby. “You seem a li’l distracted tonight. Someone caught your attention?” He wiggles his brows suggestively.
“Nah.” I lie with a shake of my head. “Nothing like that. Just keeping an eye on our superstar.”
Liam frowns, raising his head to look around.
“You mean McKay? Why, where is he?”
My eyes snap back to where Colby last was, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
Fuck.
Excusing myself from my roommate, I squeeze through the throngs of people, ignoring the knot of panic forming in my chest.
A flash of blond heading toward the front door catches my attention.
He’s unsteady on his feet, gliding his hand along the wall to stabilize himself.
He’s a lightweight at the best of times, but given the high-intensity game we’ve just played, his body is going to be struggling with the amount of alcohol he’s consumed.
Fuck. Did I mess up by inviting him here?
I follow him outside and find him sitting on the steps leading to the sidewalk. He’s resting his head against the brick pillar, stretching his legs out in front of him. Worry pools in the pit of my stomach.
I close the door behind me, blocking out the music, and take a tentative step closer. His eyes are closed, and the deep crease between his brows has me taking another step.
“Colbs?” I ask quietly, not wanting to startle him. “You good?”
He slowly opens his eyes and tips his head to look up at me. Those hazel eyes lock onto mine, and a rush of warmth spreads through my chest.
He’s so fucking gorgeous.
And so fucking tipsy, I have to stop myself from smiling as he slurs his words.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I just…” He holds his hand out, but it flops to the side. He tries to hold it up again, but it’s like his wrist is made of jelly. “I needed some space. It was starting to feel like a lot in there.”
I take another step, inching closer, and point to the spot next to him.
“Can I sit with you?”
He nods, and I bite back a laugh at how wobbly he is.
I take a seat next to him on the steps and stretch my legs out. A low groan escapes me from the tightness of my muscles, but Colby is too busy staring at the ground to notice.
“What’s a lot? Wanna talk about it?” I ask.
He sucks in a sharp breath, and the word “everything” comes out on a heavy exhale. Like it’s pained and the weight of the world is carried in those three syllables.
“I came to college to be a normal guy, you know? I wanted to go to classes and play hockey and make friends for life. I wanted to make bad decisions I could laugh about later in life and get drunk on cheap beer, but I can’t.
I can’t let myself enjoy things because there’s always someone who wants a piece of me. ”
He tilts his head toward me, and my breath catches in my throat. His eyes are a little red. Though I think it’s more down to the alcohol mixed with exhaustion than tears, but there’s no missing the defeat in his eyes.
“It’s hard sometimes. I have to be conscious of every single thing I do or say. I don’t think people see me as a person. They see me like…” He waves his hand in the air again, like he’s searching for the right word.
“Like an object?”
“Yeah, it’s exhausting. Then in there,” he continues, nodding his head back toward the house, “all those guys could talk about was the draft and talking about where I might go. I know that they’re excited for me, and don’t get me wrong, I’m so fucking grateful to be in this position, and I don’t take any of it for granted, but sometimes it all becomes…
” His words trail off, and his gaze drops back to the ground.
I knew he’s been dealing with the high expectations placed on him, but I assumed he was handling it well. Sure, he’s always been a little guarded, but I didn’t know it was causing him to crumble like this.
Has he been dealing with it alone all this time?
The thought tastes like acid.
“It all becomes too much,” I say, the words coming out like they’re being dragged over gravel.
“Yeah.” He nods. “And there’s so much I wanted to do this year, and I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near achieving any of it because I don’t feel safe.”
A sharp pain constricts in my chest at those last four words, a deep-rooted ache causing my breath to catch.
“Because you don’t know if anyone is genuine?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he answers so quietly, I’d have missed it if I weren’t staring at him.
Before I have the chance to reply, he pushes himself up and shoves his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. The tops of his cheeks and nose are now a deeper pink from the cold air.
“I think I’m gonna go home,” he announces, then takes off down the street.
Quickly jumping to my feet, I start after him. “Let me walk you home? I don’t want you walking alone.”
As the words leave my lips, the door behind us flies open, and a girl with pink hair I recognize from the kitchen all but skips down the steps.
“Sorry, boo! I’m here!” she sings.
I’ve seen her around campus and at some of our home games. I don’t know who she is, but I guess she’s friends with Colby from the way she slips her arm into his and leads him in the direction of his building.
A sense of unease settles in my stomach as I watch them walk away. I don’t want him to leave without making sure he knows he’s safe with me. That I’m here for him, and I’ll always have his back.
Before they get to far, I call out, “Colby.”
They stop walking, and Colby glances at me over his shoulder.
I take a few steps closer, my hands poised in the air, like I’m unsure if I want to grab hold of him or shove them in my pockets.
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” I ask, swallowing roughly. “You know I’m always here for you, right?”
He gives me a soft smile, but it doesn’t do anything to hide the sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, I know.”
But as he turns back around, the unsettling feeling grows and there’s a tightness in my chest that makes it a little hard to breathe.
And I don’t know what to make of any of it.