Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
TYLER
I stare at my computer screen, willing the numbers to make sense. I’ve been looking at this report for three hours now, but nothing seems to be sinking in.
This should be something I could do in my sleep, but it’s like the second I received my diploma, everything I studied disappeared from my brain.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been miserable ever since my parents came to see me in Massachusetts over a month ago. I’ve been walking around like a ghost of myself, going through the motions of sleep, work, gym, repeat.
I barely stay in the same room as my parents for longer than five minutes, and whenever I gather up the courage to talk to my dad, he dismisses me with a wave of his hand.
“I’m busy,” he says, without even asking if everything is okay.
I hate it here, and I hate myself for being so fucking stubborn in the first place.
Would it have been so bad if I let Colby take care of things for a while?
Am I that proud that I can’t accept help from the one person who loves me no matter what?
I keep replaying the moment in my car over and over and over. The look of devastation in his eyes. The way he questioned whether I was going to say goodbye.
I caused that. I caused him to doubt my feelings for him, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
The parking lot was almost empty by the time I finally got my shit together and went home.
My housemates had gone to some party, leaving me alone with my shit mood.
I threw my belongings into boxes, then found a twenty-four-hour storage lockup ten minutes from campus.
It was almost midnight by the time I finished unloading my stuff, along with my guitar and hockey gear.
There was something in my gut telling me not to send it back to Arizona, so I paid for a six-month lease up front on my credit card, and thankfully, my dad hasn’t mentioned it, and I haven’t received an email to say the payment has bounced.
He hasn’t even mentioned the fact that I sent the removal company away with nothing but an apology for wasting their time.
For all the bullshit he spewed about being proud to have me at Beckmann Capital Trust Group, he’s barely acknowledged me since I landed back in Arizona, and that says more than words ever could.
Glancing around the bullpen, I wonder whether anyone would notice if I decided to just not show up tomorrow.
I mean, it’s not like they were welcoming me with open arms when I turned up on my first day.
Geoff grunted his greeting when we met at the coffee machine, and Wendy has clearly worked for my dad for too long because she didn’t grace me with so much as a hello before she went straight into the rules of what food is allowed in the shared fridge.
No fish. No cheeses. No spicy sauce.
It sounds as bland as the energy in this bullpen is, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
There is. You could tell them to go fuck themselves and run away to wherever Colby is.
True, I could do that. The draft is in two days, and based on his sister’s Instagram stories, Colby and his family are already in Vancouver.
I was surprised when Callie followed me just before he left for the combine in Buffalo at the start of the month, and I was even more surprised when she sent me a DM.
Hi! Please don’t tell Colby I’ve messaged you or he’ll replace my shampoo with sriracha, but I just wanted to let you know he misses you.
He hasn’t told me what happened, but the way he speaks about you tells me the hurt wasn’t intentional.
I hope you can both find your way back to each other, and if there’s any way I can help, just let me know!
I couldn’t bring myself to reply, so I liked the message, then went out for a run. Something I never used to do until now, like maybe I can outrun how much I miss him or some shit.
Because I do miss him. I miss him so fucking much, it terrifies me.
I don’t know what delusional planet I was living on thinking we could go into this arrangement and not develop feelings for him.
I mean, it’s Colby.
He has the purest soul I’ve ever known.
I’d have been a fool not to fall in love with him.
Grabbing my phone, I open the tab containing the news feed from the combine that happened a few weeks ago. It’s become an unhealthy obsession to scroll through the gallery, like I’ve become starving for any glimpse of Colby.
My fingers hover over the photo of him on a bike for the Wingate test. Sweat pours down the sides of his face. The muscles in his shoulders are visible, thanks to the sleeveless athletic shirt he’s wearing.
I move to the next one, where his thighs test the strength of the seams in his shorts as he’s photographed mid-jump, and my palm itches to skate over the dusting of blond hair there.
He came out on top of the leaderboard in almost every session. Not that I expected any less of him. Colby has this ability to excel at anything he puts his mind to.
That included finding your passion.
It did, and I threw it back in his face like a coward.
I scroll through every photo, having seen them so many times now they’re permanently etched into my brain, but it’s the last one that has my heart shattering every time.
Colby stands at the sidelines, hands propped on his hips, and the expression on his face is completely empty.
It’s the face of someone who is completely numb, and it kills me to know that I’m the cause. That I’m the reason he’s hurting, even if he’s trying to hide it.
A mug of coffee is placed down on the desk in front of me, and the loud clink startles me. I lock my phone and drop it back in my desk drawer, throwing a glare up at my brother.
Joey perches himself on the edge of my desk and gives me a pointed look. “You look like shit.”
“Geez, thanks, Joseph,” I drawl sarcastically. “I wonder why.”
He snaps his jaw shut, and sympathy swims in his eyes.
Joey was practically bouncing off the walls when he picked me up from the airport, talking a mile a minute about the things we can do together and the bars he wanted to take me to, but he soon picked up on my sour mood.
After days of him asking what was wrong, I cut my chest open and let my heart spill out.
I told him about how I ended up falling in love with someone, only to leave them in Massachusetts.
How I didn’t want to be here or work for Dad, and how angry I was at our parents and the world for not knowing what I wanted to do in my life.
“I don’t want to be lying in bed when I’m eighty and regret not going after the things that make me happy,” I’d told him as we sat on the deck in his backyard. “I don’t want to regret things in life, but right now, being here is my biggest fucking regret.”
To give him credit, Joey has been extra attentive since. He’s taken me to our favorite diner a few times, and we’ve been to a couple of baseball games. He drags me to lunch every day when he doesn’t have a meeting, but it doesn’t compensate for the fact my feelings haven’t changed.
I don’t want to be here, and I can’t see myself ever being happy here.
“Come into my office for a minute?” he asks, a pleading look on his face.
Sighing, I push my chair back from the desk and follow him into his swanky office. There are certificates framed on one wall and photos of him with his top-tier clients, and a bookshelf on the other, filled with leather-bound books I don’t think he’s ever read.
The whole thing screams Dad, but if Joey’s happy, who am I to judge?
Dropping down onto the tiny-ass couch in front of a glass coffee table, I huff out a breath and cross my arms over my chest. “What?”
Joey perches on the front of his desk. “I’ve had an idea.”
“Sounds dangerous,” I mutter.
Ignoring my jab, he flips me off with a grin. “An idea that might make you stop looking like a zombie and more like a happy meerkat.”
“Go on.”
“What if I made a proposal to present to Dad regarding remote working? I’d detail not only the financial benefits for the business, but also include studies on how it improves productivity and mental well-being.
That way, you can continue to work for Dad but be based wherever it is you want to go.
All you’d need is a computer and an internet connection. ”
“Great idea, but I don’t want to work for Dad though.”
Joey rubs his hand over his jaw. “You know he’ll flip his shit if you leave?”
“Yeah, I do. But I don’t want this life, Joey.” I wave my hand around the office. “The corporate life isn’t for me, and if Dad can’t accept that, then that’s his problem, not mine.”
“What will you do?”
“I don’t know, but isn’t that part of the fun, figuring it all out?”
“What if he cuts you out of his will?” he counters, and I bark out a laugh.
“Joey, I couldn’t give a shit about the money.
If Dad values his business more than his son’s happiness, then I don’t want anything to do with it.
I’ve never been money-driven. I’ve always been someone who chases the high that comes from winning a game or when I finally master a song I’ve been learning on the guitar.
It’s never been about the money or the pretentious titles or how far I can climb up the ladder. ”
Joey ducks his head, his shoulders slumping in a way I haven’t seen on him since we were kids.
“I’m sorry I never realized just how much you didn’t want to be here.”
I shake my head. “It’s not on you, Joe. We’ve never exactly had the kind of home where talking openly about what we want is encouraged.”
“But I should’ve noticed. I’m your big brother. I’m supposed to look out for you and stick up for you. Instead, I’ve been pushing you into doing something you didn’t want to do.”
Oh, shit. I didn’t want my brother to feel bad in all of this.
Running a hand through my hair—something my dad lost his shit over when I refused to cut it—I let out a heavy sigh.
“My happiness isn’t your job. It’s nobody’s job except my own, and I’ve been too chickenshit to accept that until now.”
“Where will you go? Back to Massachusetts?”
“Maybe. But I’m open to going anywhere. My biggest concern right now is I don’t have enough money to cover rent once I’ve paid for a flight out of here. You know Dad will cancel my card the second I leave.”
Joey picks at his lips with his fingers, his brows creasing in a frown.
“I could lend you some money,” he suggests after a beat of silence. “If he does. I have some saved I can give you.”
My jaw drops, and my voice comes out choked when I ask, “What?”
“Tyler, I might not have been the best brother to you over the years, but I really do love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in whatever it is you choose to do in life. So let me help you. I owe you this. It’s the least I can do.”
Is taking money off my brother worse than relying on Colby? I have my first paycheck, but it’s not enough to cover a flight and whatever else I need to pay for until I can find another job.
My head is screaming that I need to figure this out on my own, but my heart yearns to be with Colby again, and if that means swallowing my pride and accepting help from Joey, then I guess that’s what I’ll have to do.
“I don’t know how much I’ll need or where I’ll end up, but as soon as I figure that out, I’ll find a job,” I say, swallowing hard to try and hide how much my voice is shaking.
“I’m not going to come and chase you down. I’ll be here to help you until you can get on your feet.”
Dropping my chin to my chest , I squeeze my eyes closed as a wave of emotion washes over me.
Fuck, I can’t believe he’s willing to do this for me.
“Will you still come and visit sometimes?” he asks when I don’t reply.
Laughing softly, I lift my head to look over at him. “Joey, I’m not moving to, like, Switzerland. Of course I’ll come and visit, and maybe you can use some of your PTO for once in your life and visit me.”
“Okay, you’ve got a deal.” He cracks a smile. “Want me to talk to Dad?”
“No, I’ve gotta do it. This is my shit to deal with, but maybe we can go for burgers later?”
“Yeah, okay. My treat.”
He stands from the desk and closes the distance to me. Pulling me up from the couch, he wraps his arms around me in a hug.
“I truly am sorry I failed to notice how unhappy you were, Tyler. Your happiness is so fucking important to me, and I’ll do anything for you if it means you’ll be happy.”
My eyes burn with unshed tears as I tighten my arms around him.
We might have had our differences growing up, but knowing I have my brother in my corner means more to me than he’ll ever know.
“You know I love you, right?” I mumble.
“I do, and I love you too.”
Letting him go, I take a step back to stare up at the ceiling until I feel my eyes dry out. I leave Joey in his office with the promise of grabbing burgers later, then head back out into the bullpen to sit at my desk, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to focus on work now.
Opening my desk drawer, I take out my phone and open up my text thread with Piper.
She’s in the process of moving to New York after getting drafted to the PWHL, but she’s been visiting her mom since I’ve been back.
She took one look at me and saw right through me.
Without giving away Colby’s identity, I told her what happened and how I was desperate to make things right.
“You’re an idiot sometimes, Tyler Beckmann,” she sighed with a roll of her eyes. “A lovable idiot, but an idiot all the same.”
It was the truth, but she understood the reasons behind my decision.
And now I get to finally send her the text I’ve been hoping for.
Wanna help me find some flights?
Piper
OMG! YES!
Tell me when and where to, Ty-Ty!
Grinning, I tell her I’ll call her later, and when I check my dad’s schedule, I see he has a fifteen-minute gap before his final meeting of the day, which happens to be with Joey.
Picking up my phone again, I fire a quick text off to my brother, warning him I’m going to speak to Dad and apologizing if he’s in a bad mood.
Wiping my sweaty palms down the front of my pants, I push my chair back and round the cubicle to walk the short distance to his office.
I shake out my hands by my sides to get rid of my nerves, then take in a deep breath. Steeling my spine, I rap my knuckles on his door, then close my fingers around the door handle and push it open without waiting for his response.
I might be jumping into the shark tank, unsure if I’ll come out of the water unscathed, but it’s time to put myself first.
No matter the cost.