39. Kieran
KIERAN
Roderick takes over after we get the news that my dad’s out of surgery.
First, he figures out that the hospital will allow two people at once to see Dad in the ICU. Mom and Grandpa have that honor.
“So I’m taking you home,” he says. “It’s cold out here, and you’re shivering.”
I hadn’t noticed. But I let him steer me to the truck, where I get into the passenger seat and let him drive me home.
Then he makes me a grilled cheese sandwich, because when you live with a baker there’s always bread. But I eat it without tasting it.
“Come on,” he says afterward. “You look beat. Let’s watch an episode.”
Numb, I follow him to the sofa for the first time in way too long. He sits at one end. And instead of sitting down beside him, I lie down with my head in his lap, shamelessly asking for affection that I don’t actually deserve.
Roddy doesn’t hesitate, though. He puts a hand on my head, sifting his fingers through my hair. It feels so good that my eyelids get heavy.
“Thank you,” I say sleepily.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. “Everything is really okay.”
“I love you,” I try. It isn’t nearly as hard to say as I thought it would be. “I love you so much.” Actually, it does hurt to say it. But it aches in a good way. Like sore muscles after a good workout. It aches like progress.
Roddy leans down and places a soft kiss on my temple. “I know,” he says. “I love you, too. Now just relax.”
I must fall asleep, because the next thing I know, I’m waking up on the sofa, my head on a pillow, and Roddy is opening the back door to someone.
“Is he here?” my mother’s voice asks without preamble.
“Yes, but he’s sleeping ,” Roderick says.
“But I need to speak to him.”
Before I can tell them I’m awake, I hear Roddy let fly with a response. “Oh, so now you want to talk to him? Because it’s convenient for you, and you drove all the way into town to have a conversation that’s years overdue?”
“But—”
“You know what, lady? That’s the very definition of conditional love. On your terms, right? Well, I say come back later .”
“Roddy,” I bark, my voice hoarse from disuse. “I’m up.”
“He’s awake,” my mother growls. Even though I can’t see her, I know she just pushed past him into the house.
I sit up, and the room slowly rights itself. I feel sluggish, but surprisingly calm. Today’s disasters were inevitable. And even though all those eyes on me in the hospital waiting room gave me a case of emotional sunburn, I also feel relief.
Griffin was right when he said that it wasn’t my job to explain it. It shouldn’t be my burden. But it has been, for ten years.
My mother loses some of her bluster between the backdoor and the living room, though. Because her head appears at the doorframe before the rest of her. “Kieran, are you awake?”
“Yeah, Mom. Come in.”
“Your roommate doesn’t seem to like me very much,” she sniffs.
“Boyfriend,” I correct, standing up.
Her mouth hinges open. “What?”
“Boyfriend.” I yawn deeply. “Hang on a sec. Sit down.” I wave a hand at the couch and then leave the room to look for Roderick.
I find him standing in the kitchen with Zara, who has Nicole on her hip.
“Hey,” I greet them. “When did you sneak in?”
“Just a second ago, right after your mother. I brought you a lasagna, because Audrey told me about your dad’s accident.”
“Oh, wow. Thank you.” I guess I’m having that kind of day—with drama of such magnitude that the neighbor brings you a casserole.
“Seems like Roddy needs a piece, too, because he looks a little worked up.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at your mom,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have some, uh, parent issues I’m working through.”
“Hey, it was kind of hot.”
His surprised smile is so cute that I have to step closer and give him a quick kiss. “Thank you for being my chauffeur and bouncer today. And heat up that lasagna. We’re going to need it.”
When I step back, Zara is blinking at us. “Something tells me I missed a few other developments.”
“You have no idea,” Roddy says cheerfully.
“Cool, cool,” Zara says. “Just let me know if we need to shuffle the schedule tomorrow to let Kieran visit the hospital. You know where to find me.”
“Nazagna,” Nicole says. “Eat.”
“Ah, Mama’s girl,” Zara says. “Let’s get home and find you a snack.”
“Cookie?” she asks, hopefully. The sight of her two neighbors kissing does not faze her at all . It didn’t seem to faze Zara, either, now that I think about it.
“We’ll see.” My boss rolls her eyes. “Night, guys. Reheat it with the foil on top.”
“Thanks, boss!” Roddy says. “See you in the morning.”
She departs, leaving Roddy and me alone in the kitchen. I glance toward the living room, dropping my voice to a whisper. “I have to go back in there, don’t I?”
“I tried.” His eyes sparkle. “But I’ll bring you a glass of an adult beverage. For courage.”
“Would you?”
“Sure. And remember—you didn’t create this problem.”
“Uh-huh,” I say, only I’ve spent my whole life believing otherwise. I created the problem just by showing up twenty-five years ago.
He gives me a gentle shove, and I walk toward the living room where my mother waits.
I find her on the sofa, her head in her hands. “I’ve always dreaded this conversation,” she says.
“That must be why we never had it,” I point out.
She looks up. “I couldn’t ever figure out how. I was protecting you. And I was protecting your father. How did you figure out that you’re not biologically his son? Was it really in a biology class?”
I shake my head. “Nah. I overheard a conversation outside of church. One of my teachers was gossiping with a friend. I was in a tree above them so that none of the old ladies would pinch my cheeks or ask me about school.” I used to hate the coffee hour because I didn’t like making small talk with adults.
Sue me. “They were talking about families who had ‘oops’ babies.” I make finger quotes.
“And the other woman said, ‘Well you know, Bert Shipley had the ultimate oops baby. He wasn’t even the father.’”
As I watch, all the blood drains from my mother’s face. “Oh my God.”
“Yeah.” I swallow hard, because I can still hear the sound of their laughter. “I still wasn’t ready to believe it was me. But then they mentioned Father Craig.”
Father Craig was a very popular priest who left Colebury right before I was born. Years later, I used to hear people wonder aloud why he’d left. I think I might be the reason why.
“Jeez.” My mother wipes her eyes. “How did they know?”
I shake my head. “You think I jumped out of the tree to ask?”
“No, of course not.” She sniffs. “So you heard it from a couple of church gossips that I had an affair with a priest.”
“Yeah. Basically.”
The women had said as much. I’d known immediately that it was true. Because whenever my parents had their very worst fights, my father used to end the conflict by yelling, “Just don’t seek solace with the priest .” I’d never understood why he’d say that. Until the day I finally did.
“How old were you?” my mother asks quietly.
“Fourteen.”
“That must have been shocking. I wish you could have told me.”
“How was I supposed to ask questions about it? And I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.”
“Baby, I’m sorry,” she says, as tears track down her face. “Even now it isn’t easy for me to explain. I did a terrible thing. When I got pregnant, I told your father everything. I offered to give him a divorce. But…”
Roderick walks into the room with a box of tissues, sets them down on the coffee table, and walks out again.
My mother grabs one and mops the tears from her face. “Your father decided he didn’t want a divorce. He didn’t want Kyle passed back and forth between us. So we went to counseling. He decided he wanted to be your father, too. And that we would go on as we were before.”
Ouch. “How did that work out?”
“We tried, Kieran. You know there’s tension.”
I snort loudly.
“The thing that you don’t understand is that we loved each other. We had a good marriage before I ruined it, and your dad wanted to try to get that back. But once the trust was gone, it was really difficult.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. There doesn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the world today.
“Your father loves you, Kieran. I believe that with all my heart.”
“That is wishful thinking,” I insist.
“When you were smaller, you two were close,” she says.
“He treated you just like he treated little Kyle. But when you were a teenager, you didn’t have as much in common.
That’s when you two stopped getting along.
And—” She puts her hands together in the prayer position.
“I hope that isn’t my fault, too. If you stopped seeing yourself as your father’s child, it probably affected your relationship with him. ”
“Yeah, maybe.” But I know she’s right. I was so angry with my ugly secret. I’d spent a lot of time wishing it weren’t true.
“Sorry guys,” Roderick says, entering the room again. “It’s time for a margarita. And the lasagna will be warm soon.”
I look up at him in relief. The conversation was getting heavier than I could bear. “Margaritas?” I ask, glancing at the tray he’s carrying. He’s filled it with three glasses and a pitcher of iced liquid. We never make mixed drinks.
“Well, tequila will always remind me of you, so I bought us a bottle a while back and then forgot to drink it.” He sets the tray on the coffee table. “Mrs. Shipley, would you like a margarita?”
My mother looks between the two of us like she’s trying to untangle a puzzle. “Sure,” she says a beat too late. “Just a half glass, though, because I’ll be driving.”
“I can do that.” He pours her a modest drink and hands her the glass. “Kieran?”
“Hell, yes. Thank you.”
“Anytime.” He looks up from what he’s doing, and our gazes lock. He gives me a smile so warm that I can’t imagine why I wasn’t willing to do anything he asked of me. Roddy is everything. I’m so lucky to have him in my life.
When my mother leaves, I’m so wiped out that I can hardly keep my eyes open.
“Come on,” Roddy says. “Upstairs.”
I follow him on command. I’d follow him anywhere.
He supervises while I brush my teeth and wash up. Then he literally tucks me into bed, pulling the comforter up to my neck. “Here,” he says, plugging in my phone on the bedside table. “If there’s any news about your dad, you’ll hear it.”
“Thank you,” I mumble, my eyelids heavy. “You can stay upstairs tonight? If you want to.” Please .
“I’ll be back,” he promises. “Sleep, okay?”
I’m not sure if I answer him or not. Sleep takes me, either way.
The next thing I know, Roddy is reaching over me in bed, grabbing my phone. The screen illuminates the dark room with a notification.
My sleepy mind is sluggish. My only thought is Roddy is here .
“What time is it?” I croak as I start to wake up for real.
“Three thirty. The message is from your mom. She says that your dad woke up. He’s talking.”
“That’s good, right?” I rub my eyes.
“Yeah. Very good.” Roddy puts the phone face down again, plunging the room back into darkness. “That’s all she wrote, though.” He runs a hand down my arm, clasping my hand. “My alarm goes off in an hour and a half. We should sleep.”
I can’t, though. Roddy is here, where he belongs, and I’m distracted by his nearness. I just lie quietly for a while, wondering what it all means. There’s a really awkward conversation with my father in my future. Everyone knows our darkest family secret.
So, what’s one more secret? I’ll come out to my family—the ones who haven’t already heard, anyway. I feel deeply uncomfortable knowing that I’ll be the topic of discussion for weeks to come. But if it means I have Roddy by my side, it’s all worth it.
“I missed you,” he whispers suddenly in the dark.
That’s all the encouragement I need. I roll onto my side to get closer to him. “I missed you, too. Like, a ridiculous amount.”
He runs a finger down my nose. “I’m sorry. I was trying so hard not to make all the same mistakes.”
“You aren’t, though. I’m ready now. So don’t you dare find some new reason why we can’t be together.”
“I won’t. I swear. I just didn’t want to pressure you. It couldn’t be me who pushed you over the edge.”
“It wasn’t.”
“True.” He rolls up onto an elbow, bringing us nose to nose. “I’m not going to find any more reasons to keep us apart. I wasn’t very good at it, anyway. I forced myself to get out of the house and make some new friends. But I spent a lot of time wishing you were there with me.”
“Don’t move out,” I beg.
“Okay,” he whispers. “Now, do you think you can go back to sleep?”
“Not so much.” I slide a hand under his T-shirt. “But why would you want me to?” His taut stomach is warm and firm under my hand.
“Fair point,” he says, grasping the hem of his shirt and then struggling to lift it off over his head. “You feel like showing me how much you missed me? Because I’m in the mood to give you a personal demonstration.”
“Yeah. Same.” My words are short, but I have reverence in my heart as I lean down to kiss his shoulder. And then his chest. The familiar, soapy fresh scent of his skin is so good that it makes my eyes sting.
“Kieran,” he whispers. “I need you so much that it scares me. I wasn’t looking for this when I came to Vermont.”
“Don’t be scared,” I murmur against his skin. “I’m not going anywhere.” I lift my chin to find his eyes in the dark. And I finally take the biggest leap. “I love you, and I need you, too. I can do what you need me to do.”
Roddy grasps my face in his hands. “You already are.”
We inch closer, neither of us wanting to break the moment. But I need to kiss him so badly. So I do it. I lean in and take his mouth with mine. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me in, returning my kiss with the same urgency that’s driving mine.
And when Rod’s alarm goes off an hour later, we’re tangled up together, mouths swollen from kisses and hearts full.