Chapter Twenty-One #2
I study my mom. Her given name is “Dina,” which comically and, believe-it-or-not, coincidentally, rhymes with Audrina and Sabrina.
Tall and larger boned with jet black hair (now dyed to cover the gray), she looks nothing like Audrina or me, who take after the human trash can, at least physically.
She’s deservedly proud of how far she’s come while acknowledging she couldn’t have done it without the financial support of my father’s parents, at least initially.
Maybe she’d be willing… happy … to pay it forward to me with a small financial cushion.
She walks her dishes to the sink. “In her day, women relied on their husbands for everything. I didn’t have that luxury.”
“Neither do I. Not anymore, anyway.” Audrina covers her mouth with her hand, but not quickly enough to hide the beginning of a tremble.
“Single here too!” I say.
“Not forever, unless it’s what you want. In the meantime, you must be able to take care of yourself, partnered or not. And don’t think of it as a burden. Be independent and proud.” She sits back down and glances between us, her expression businesslike. “I hope I’ve taught you at least that much.”
Has she ever. I decide not to ask for that cushion.
“How about tomorrow, we visit Nana’s grave and then celebrate her life over dinner at Fleming’s?”
I love this idea. The steak house was Nana’s favorite.
“Can we watch That’s Entertainment! after?”
I smile at my sister. Nana looked out for That’s Entertainment!
on TCM and other cable networks every year and would have delighted in knowing it was available for streaming at our whim now.
I’m choosing to believe we’d watch it together, cuddled in her bed, if she were alive.
There’s even a trace of her signature scent—coconut oil and cocoa butter, like she bathed in suntan lotion—in the air right now, as if she’s here with us in spirit.
The guilt hasn’t disappeared completely, but it’s muted thanks to talking it through with my family and discovering I’m not alone.
The next day is all about Nana. We visit her and Grandpa Lou at a Jewish cemetery not too far away and leave rocks on their graves, as per Jewish custom. We give each other space to talk to them in private.
When it’s my turn, I kneel on the grass by Nana’s grave and tell her I love and miss her.
I apologize for taking my dad’s behavior out on her.
I promise if I had the chance to go back in time, I’d spend so much more of it with her—reading all the books, eating all her home-cooked food, and hugging her with everything I had the day I left for college, simply making sure she knew how much I loved her.
I acknowledge that it wasn’t only me who lost a father when he bailed, but her who lost a son, and that she deserved better.
I also tell her I understand why she never stopped loving him despite everything.
I cry. A lot. But rather than forcing myself to get it together or hiding it like I usually do, I let the tears fall down my cheeks with abandon until her granite headstone is a blur.
Then I hug it out with my mom and sister. It’s a release I desperately need.
After dinner, we watch That’s Entertainment! on Apple TV, all three of us huddled on the couch under a giant lavender-and-pink knit blanket, a Nana Lena original. Then Mom announces the conclusion of Nana Lena Remembrance Day and goes to bed. I’m about ready to head to my childhood bedroom too.
Audrina catches me mid–yawn and stretch. “Not you too! Please stay up a little longer.”
I haven’t slept well since before Marcia’s date, but after spending the last thirty-six hours lamenting taking Nana for granted, I can’t say no to hanging out with my big sister a little longer. The opportunities lately are few and far between. “Okay. I need a drink to stay up though.”
“Hold that thought!” She bounds from the couch with the energy of a five-year-old on Christmas morning and returns a minute later with two glasses of chilled white wine.
We arrange ourselves so we’re both stretched out on either side of the couch with the blanket covering our legs. We say a collective cheers and lean forward to clink glasses.
“So what’s it like living here again? And with Mom?”
“Same as it ever was.” Audrina takes a sip of her wine. “Mom still keeps the house ridiculously cold, and I have to turn up the heat when she’s not watching.”
I chuckle. No matter how much money Mom earns from her various promotions, she treats money like it could be taken away from her at any moment. Case in point, keeping the thermostat just high enough to avoid frostbite.
“She still leaves early for work and gets home late, so I rarely see her. Only now, I don’t have Nana Lena skulking around or my little sister following me like a puppy.”
I kick her foot with mine. “Can you believe what she said about Nana? I had no idea she felt guilty.”
She frowns. “Me neither.”
“The whole ‘Nana Lena Remembrance Day’ was her idea. Maybe she’s mellowing in her old age.”
We ponder the possibility in silence for a moment then collectively say, “Na!”
“And don’t let her hear you call her old . She prefers ‘middle-aged.’” Audrina smirks.
I bring my glass to my mouth. “Does Bob stay over?” Mom didn’t meet him until after Nana died and I was already out of the house.
“Not since I moved in.” She wrinkles her nose. “Do you think they fuck?”
I’m mid sip and wine dribbles out of my nose. “Gross.” I shake my head to erase the visual. “Although even one of Marcia’s reasons for wanting to meet someone is because she misses sex.”
“Respect. I hope I’m still horny at seventy.” She waggles her eyebrows. “What about you? Getting any?”
I want to deny it but can feel the heat rush to my face and a goofy smile slip out at the memory of my almost-fuck with Adam.
Audrina shoots up. “Don’t you dare hold out on me! I need to live vicariously through you. Who is he?”
“Adam. We didn’t have sex… but we kissed.”
“Just kissed? You’re blushing awfully hard over a kiss.”
“Kissed with some light petting.”
Audrina raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying it.
“ Fine , we dry humped the fuck out of each other on the couch in plain sight and almost got busted by Marcia when she returned home early from her first date.”
Audrina howls, her glass of wine shaking in her hand. I join her.
My sister stops laughing and pins her eyes on me all thoughtful-like. “You like him, don’t you?”
I scratch my fingers up and down the blanket. “Even if I do, it’s too complicated with us living together and him being Marcia’s grandson. We already agreed it was a one-time slipup.”
Audrina lies back down and tugs her end of the blanket up to her chin.
“That’s too bad. It’s tough out there. What’s a more convenient way to find your person than him sleeping in your living room?
Aside from work, and he’s there too.” She kicks my foot.
“All that proximity. You sure it won’t happen again? ”
The truth is that I’m not sure it won’t happen again. I’m definitely not sure I don’t want it to. But I’ve hit a wall in terms of thinking about Adam. It’s time to move on. “Enough about me. How’s your job? Have you heard from Kevin lately? Should I even ask?”
She grins. “The job is great. Glenn Close and Justin Long came into the spa last week—separately, but two famous people in the same week was exciting.” Her face turns serious.
“As for Kevin, we spoke a few months ago. I miss him, but we’re legally separated and he’s not ready to come home.
Maybe I’ll try dating again. If Marcia can do it, so can I. ”
“You should!”
“So should you. Since you’re determined to stay away from Adam and everything.”
She’s right. I should . But I’m pretty certain I won’t.