Nineteen
Craig
Gravel crunched under my feet as I shifted side to side at the theater entrance.
The rain was the nasty kind of wet and cold that seeped into you, slipping between the zipper of your coat and the seams of your clothes to your bones.
Or slipping right alongside the metal plate screwed into your bones and down into your nerves.
But all of that discomfort bloomed into sunshine when Rilee ran across the parking lot toward me.
Her long legs threaded between the cars, hair bouncing, and the far edges of her smile scratching at the back of my heart. Would I have given her a second look if I hadn’t seen her in my dreams? Yeah, if she had walked past me I’d have turned around and probably tripped over something.
“Hey,” I managed. That was dumb. Who says hey. That’s like teenage stupid.
“Hey,” she answered coyly through her lashes. Why do girls do that?
We small talked and then went inside. I’d spent so much effort acknowledging I’d dreamed all of this–the play, the dinner, me together with Rilee–that the ordinariness of the theater was surprising.
Plastic folding tables and chairs concealed beneath white tablecloths.
The whole place looked like a grange hall.
We took our seats and tried to get comfortable.
Open back chairs provide no lumbar support which means you have to sit very tall in them to keep from slumping into a painful position.
Three hours might be more than I could manage.
Rilee chewed her lip as she studied the white table cloth.
“So, tough game,” I said, reaching for something to talk about.
What did we have in common really? Jackie?
Your niece is a weird thing to build a relationship on.
That thought sent a wave of nausea through me.
What was I doing? Where was this going? Yes, Rilee was in my dreams. Yes, she was the kind of woman who anyone would dream of.
But when things were hard, or strange, Veronica left.
Left me on the couch with staples across my back.
“Can’t win everything,” Rilee answered without looking up.
In relationships I was bowling spares. Unsolvable problems. Upend your life, and get left alone.
Dream a woman into your life and what do you say when your kids ask where did you meet?
Crazy talk. Looking over at the line of her neck emerging from the fuzzy curve of her sweater I just let my breath out.
It can just be this. If there is nothing more than this, if we don’t meet again this is nice.
Fine. Comfortable. It had been a long time since I’d been comfortable.
Since before the accident. Shifting my gaze to take in the mill of people and the waiters delivering food, and the peaceful ordinariness of everything, I knew I could dream this every night and wake happy.
“Yeah, that is a hard lesson to learn,” I answered. It can’t be always about winning. Sometimes just playing the game is the best you can hope for, and if you like the game enough, then that’s enough.
Taking a sip from her coke, Rilee said, “Some people never learn it, or they see everything as a win-lose like my dad.”
This was the first time she’d mentioned her dad.
Or any family. Were they close? I’d be lost without Kathy as hard as that was to say.
Mom and Dad can be too much. They mean well but they have a hard time letting things go.
Mom overwatered every plant she’d ever owned.
When I moved in with Kathy instead of my parents it had about killed them.
But I’d never have left the house again.
It’s a tough thing when you see your parents’ needs and you have to choose yourself.
Emerging from my funk I answered, “Parents as people is a hard one too. That’s why I’m out here with my sister’s family.
My parents would have mothered me to pieces.
” But this wasn’t about my family. This was about her family.
Her dad in particular and what did I know about him?
Or Rilee. Not much. But things didn’t sound good between them.
“Your dad sounds like a tough guy to live with,” I finished.
Her words came out in a flood, accompanied with heat and a bit of rage.
“Yeah, that’s why I don’t. He was a small-town banker and kept a tally about everything.
When I came in at night. What was spent where, and who I was with.
And if things didn’t add up in his tallies, well stay out of the way.
My mom and I took off in high school and he had the gall to send her a cleaning bill after she moved out. ”
“Asshole.” The word flew out before I knew it was there.
Bitter flavors of Veronica were on my tongue.
When no amount of reassurance could quiet her concerns about the future, she had to do it herself.
Veronica leaving because she couldn’t handle the unknown, and Rilee’s dad demanding overwhelming control tasted like the same recipe.
Fingering my napkin, I sought to control the shivering in my legs and chest. “Sorry, that was uncalled for,” I apologized.
Rilee chuckled, a sound so at odds with the storm I was holding, it was like the wind changed directions. “No, that’s all right. It’s true,” Rilee said.
“Excuse me,” A gray haired gentleman in a dress coat cleared his throat. “Do you mind?” He asked, nodding toward the table at the center of our row.
“Not at all,” I grunted, standing up and letting him and his date pass. Standing up was nice, and I shifted a little releasing the tight muscles in my back, trying to stay ahead of the leg tingles. While taking my seat again I palmed four ibuprofen and washed them down with my water.
The steak arrived. Even though I was expecting it, the flavor was so similar to my dream taste it was disorienting. My eyes kept sliding over to Rilee who was even prettier than I remembered. Trying not to be a leering creep I mumbled something about the food but couldn’t look away from her.
I didn’t mean to bring up Veronica, she just fell out.
It was stupid talking about another woman when I was sitting next to Rilee, like picking at a scab in public, no one wants to see it.
When the lights dimmed and the show started, I was grateful for the change in conversation.
Rilee seemed to enjoy the food, which was good.
It’s hard to know these days who is eating what.
I kept glancing at Rilee’s profile in the dark, though trying not to look like I was staring.
Then it happened. Just as I slid a saucy bite into my mouth that stupid white cow leaped into a dance.
The lights were on Rilee’s face, and the taste of lavender was on my tongue, and the noise of the song in my ears, and I was dreaming.
Or rather I was awake in my dream. If it wasn’t for a dull electric sting in the bottom of my foot I would have actually fallen out of my chair, my body relaxing into sleep.
It was de javu on oxycodone. But the pin pricking jabs in my sole anchored me to the actual moment.
Rilee looked entranced, a bit of wetness on her lip that I wanted to dab away, and stars in her eyes. As applause broke out for the piece she startled and swallowed hard, reaching for her coke.
“That was fun,” I squeaked, hoping it sounded like a polite whisper.
Nodding, Rilee mumbled, “Mm-huh.” Breathless and a bit scattered she reached for her glass again while still holding her fork, realized it, set the fork down and then tried to cut her vegetables with only her knife.
In surprised resignation she set the knife to the side and spread her hands across her knees, blinking like there was something in her eyes.
I inspected her plate, which looked just like mine, seeing nothing obvious to cause an allergic reaction. “Everything okay?” I asked.
Taking three deep breaths, she licked her lips, and then turned to me, pasting a smile on her face, “Yes. That was something. I don’t think the cow is usually an actor.”
“Oh, I had no idea.” This musical was way more her thing than I’d known. Pluses for me.
“And this is a really good steak,” she added, her forced smile melting into something more genuine but thoughtful. Then as if she’d decided something she smiled again and met my eyes, “Thank you for inviting me.”
“Sssh,” A man with salt and pepper hair turned around to advise us. The que-bald headed man next to him nodded in agreement without turning.
New actors were already on the stage and I realized I had no idea what was going on. Leaning so close I actually felt the heat of Rilee’s skin, I really whispered, “I’d better pay attention, I don’t know what’s happening here.”
Looking a little dazed, Rilee answered, “Me either.”
Chastened, we turned back to the stage, ate our meal, and enjoyed the music and witty dialogue.
Occasionally I’d catch her looking at me–because I occasionally looked at her–and she’d smile, soft tight-lipped smiles that tickled at the edges of her lips.
Yeah, I had no idea what was going on here but it was really nice.