Thirty-Four
Craig
The words felt ugly in my mouth even if they were true.
“The accident changed a lot for me. I’m not the same guy I was before and I am still figuring that out.
” Doubts pricked me like mosquitoes. Doubts about my ability to keep the job with Ulrich.
Doubts about my ability to be the man Rilee needed.
But she was so beautiful, and so very hurt, by me.
Clearing my throat I clarified, “Regardless of my problems, I am sure you were confused and hurt. I am very sorry.” Sunlight reflecting from the river played across her face and she blinked at the brightness.
It wasn’t on purpose, but tilting her head she looked at me through her lashes, lips slightly parted, her body repeating the moment we’d kissed.
If I didn’t try to do what was necessary to wake up next to her every day for the rest of my life, I’d regret it.
Maybe that was what the dreams meant, that this was my moment to decide what I wanted in my life.
I wanted Rilee and me.
I thought through the words four ways before I said them, pouring what truth I had into them, “I don’t know what I have to offer, but I still want to find out what we are together.”
Studying her reaction, the twitch of her lip, her sharp breath, the fall of her hair over her ear, the touch of her hand surprised me.
It was firm but gentle, and her thumb caressed my knuckle.
This was the moment. Somewhere from my subconscious the dream rose up.
The sunlight playing across her hair, the press of her hand, her smile, and then she laughed.
Why I couldn’t say. If I wasn’t wrapped up in the dream sense I’d have worried she was laughing at the thought of us together.
Instead, everything felt more than right and her pleasant joyful voice cemented us together.
I’d felt this before, her in my arms, us moving towards together, and that had gone very wrong. I couldn’t do that to her again. The moment called for honesty even if it drove her away. She had to know about the dreams. The squeeze Rilee gave my hand was all the encouragement I needed.
“Craig, I have to tell you something.” Oh no, here was the other shoe.
I tried to stop her, get a word in, but she kept going.
“No, let me speak. I haven’t been … entirely honest.” I didn’t want to know her doubts, I had too many of my own, and was holding onto the thought that destiny brought us together despite the absurdity of the pairing. But she wouldn’t stop.
“You me, I’m not sure it’s … natural.” Natural?
A bonsai wasn’t natural, it was formed by wiring, and trimming, and distorted time, but it was exquisitely beautiful and harmonious.
I wasn’t natural. Rods and screws held my bones together, my nerves misfired, and only because of a brace could I walk across a room.
She and I coming together was the only natural thing in my life, and if Rilee thought we weren’t, what else was there? Accidents ended in disaster.
“For months I’ve been dreaming about you, about this moment. Here.” Confusion washed over me, filled my lungs. My mouth was still but her words were my thoughts. “I dreamed this. You, me, at this table. The sun in my face, you in the coat. And not just once, but over and over again.”
My vision tightened, black closing in from the edges, and the dreamy wobble pushed into my senses. Fighting to stay present I held onto her hand. “Me too,” I gasped. Saying the words pushed back against the dream fog, making it easier to stay with her.
“I dreamed about you too. Here at this table. I saw it earlier today and had to see you again. I saw it all before we went to coffee. And then I saw the play. Repeatedly. Us, having dinner.”
“The stupid cow,” Rilee whispered.
Her voice pushed back the darkness and I took her other hand. “The stupid cow,” I laughed in relief, only then believing that we really had been dreaming together.
“And the last dream?” she pleaded.
A heavy knot of fear began twisting in my belly, the exposure of our nakedness, “We were in your bedroom. I saw it before we… before I”
Leaning across the table she put her fingers on my mouth, “We’ll try again. We’ll figure out the changes together. Life is about trying again.”
I wanted to kiss her but the stupid table was between us. Instead, I took her hand in mine and kissed that. “I love you,” I said, my lips moving across her fingers.
Rilee opened her mouth to speak but her words were buried in a thunderous boom.
“Holy hell,” someone shouted, “the bridge collapsed.”