Chapter Sixteen Willow
Chapter Sixteen
Willow
Sitting in the cafe with Fred is bringing back too many memories for my liking.
He met me outside the bookstore and faced an angry Alina who had promised me she wouldn’t kill him when she saw him after I told her he had shown up.
She didn’t kill him obviously, but she did give him a year’s worth of curse words, insults and ego destroying words.
I’m surprised he just stood there and took it instead of running in the other direction.
When we got inside the cafe, he told me to get a table while he ordered me my favourite coffee, a caramel latte with extra cream and extra caramel. It irked me that him still remembering what I loved sent a jolt of happiness to my heart temporarily.
“So how have you been?” He asks, taking a sip of his own coffee.
“Really? That’s how you’re going to start this conversation Fred?” I sigh and sit back in the lounge chair I’m in.
We’re nestled in the corner of the cafe. It’s cute and cozy, or it would be if I wasn’t sat here with him.
“What do you want me to say Wills? I’m not going to get on my knees and beg like I’m some kind of dog, but I’ll do whatever I can for you to forgive me. I’d like some time to show you that you can trust me again if you will let me.” He says while leaning forward and setting his coffee down.
“Trust you again.” I huff a laugh with no amusement behind it.
“You think I would ever be able to trust you again? You were cheating on me for an entire year, and not just sleeping with someone, but going out on dates, giving her gifts, flowers, everything Fred. Everything I always wanted from you that you made me feel like an entitled bitch for even asking for, you just gave to her freely.” I feel my eyes beginning to water and my hands turning numb.
I feel like I can’t take a deep enough breath as I remember what our relationship was like and how he made me feel.
“I’m sorry Willow. I felt pressured by my dad, Maria was his business partners daughter and you know how it is. They kept trying to set us up and one thing led to another. I made a huge mistake and I was an asshole.” He says as he reaches for my hand and I pull it to my chest away from him.
I hear his words, I look at his face, but my head feels fuzzy and the room starts feeling like it’s growing smaller, then bigger again all at once.
“No, asshole isn’t a strong enough word for you.” I manage to get out as I start to feel a tightness in my chest.
“You have no idea what you put me through when I found those messages and what would of happened if I didn’t find them?
Would we still be together while you continue to cheat on me?
” I feel the numbness from my hands start to spread up my arms as my chest gets tighter and tighter as the room begins to zone in and out even more and I know I’m going to have a panic attack.
Something that hasn’t happened in months since learning to deal with my feelings about myself after leaving Fred.
I try to focus on his face but now it feels surreal that he is actually in front of me and I’m talking with him.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” I say quickly and I jump up and take quick steps towards the toilets as everything around me becomes a blur. I push the door open and run inside before slamming it shut, turning the lock and falling to my knees.
My heart is racing and my hands are sweating as I fumble around all of my pockets to look for my phone to call Alina. She was so good at helping me through my panic attacks before, she’ll know how to help me now, but I must of left my phone on the table because I don’t feel it anywhere on me.
I can’t breathe, the numbness now spreading over my whole body as I begin to feel like I don’t even know what my own name is.
I take short quick breaths while sobbing and clutching my chest as I lean my forehead against the cold metal door.
My vision starts to go hazy and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fuck! I’m going to pass out in this bathroom on my own. My heart is beating so fast I feel like it’s going to explode. No, I can’t pass out here by myself.
I try to stand to unlock the door so I can at least grab my phone to call Alina, but I can’t move. I’m literally paralysed and I’m too hot in my jeans and coat. I’m sweating so much but my hands are shaking too much to do anything.
I don’t know how many minutes go by before I hear shouting from the other side of the door and I want to shout back and tell Fred to shut up, to just shut the fuck up and leave me alone but I can’t do anything except sob uncontrollably while sucking in what little breaths I can.
Suddenly I feel the door being jolted against my head and I try to shuffle as best as I can away from it for Fred to open it. He must of got a master key from the barista.
Everything is so hazy and I feel like I’m about to die so I don’t even care now if he walks in and sees me like this.
I’m panting, sweating, sucking in any air I can get while spreading myself on the cold floor. The door bursts open and in what feels like seconds I’m enveloped in someone’s arms.
“Willow look at me.” I hear a panicked voice but it sounds like it’s at the other end of a really long tunnel and I clutch my chest again and squeeze my eyes shut harder while crying.
“It’s okay, you are having a panic attack. You’re safe. It’s okay.” The arms around me loosen and I feel my coat being pulled off me quickly before I hear water running and then two cold, soaked pieces of tissue paper are being pressed against my wrists.
I’m picked up off the floor and pulled between two long muscular legs as whoever they belong to leans against the wall with me in front of them.
My sweater is pulled up from my waist, then ripped up over my head and down my arms to release me from it.
I’m still crying, still shaking, still gasping for a breath but I feel like I can get more air in now.
I’m pulled back into a hard chest and when two huge arms come around me with just the right amount of pressure I need to ground me, I turn my head and look up to see the face of a man I didn’t think I would ever see again.
“It’s okay moya dusha.” He says with a softness that doesn’t match his hardness on the outside.
He brings one of his hands up to stroke away the hair that’s stuck to my forehead with sweat and we sit like that for what feels like a lifetime. Him stroking my hair, grounding me with his weight.
Dragna is here.
He’s here holding me, seeing me through one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had and my head is spinning as I try to think about how he knew where I was, why he cares and what he is doing here with me.
“What… what are you… doing here.” I say breathlessly, not moving from the hold he has on me.
“We need to talk. I can take you home and I’ll come in and we can talk properly there. For now, just stay with me here for another few minutes. I want to make sure you’re okay before you try to stand up.” He replies as his told on me tightens just slightly.
I find myself leaning into him a little more, whether it’s from how lifeless and drained I feel, or because I’m glad he’s the one here with me I don’t know, but I do it anyway without thinking of any consequences.
He rests his chin on the top of my head and sighs. I close my eyes, feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat against my back, using it to soothe myself and after a few minutes my breathing begins returning to normal.
“I was here with someone.” I say quietly.
“I know. I saw him sitting where your phone and purse were sitting, but it’s just us here now. He left.” His voice vibrates through me and I can’t help but shudder which makes him hold me tighter.
“Did you scare him off?” I ask and it’s quiet between us for a few seconds before he responds.
“Maybe.” His deep voice hits me again and I just want to stay like this forever.
“How did you know where I was and how to help me through a panic attack?” I ask as my breathing begins to even out a little more.
He takes a deep breath in and beings to rub circles with his thumb on my wrist. I look down at the movement and notice how busted up his knuckles are.
“Dragna, your hands, what the hell happened.” I ask before he can respond to my first question.
He looks down over my shoulder at his hands before cursing something in Russian.
“I was helping some of the guys train for upcoming fights.” He says but I can tell he’s holding something back.
“And I came by to speak to you when you finished work. I saw you through the window. As for the panic attacks, I used to get them when I was younger. My grandfather taught me ways to cope with them. Different techniques to shock your nervous system out of them. Ways to breathe when I felt myself slipping into anger and fear.”
Him telling me this has slapped me up the face to the fact that I don’t really know who this man is. This man who came to my rescue like some knight to help me, who’s made himself a presence in my life, who screams danger. I have no idea what I could be getting myself into with him.
He continues rubbing circles on my wrist as if this is where we both belong, him cradling me and me letting him in.
“Do you think you could walk to the car?” He asks and I nod.
He holds me by my shoulders as he moves to come round in front of me.
Keeping one hand on my shoulder so I don’t fall back against the wall, his other hand grabs mine and he pulls me up to stand slowly.
I rock a little unsteadily and not just from getting my bearings after the panic attack, but from him touching me too.
His hands slide to my waist, pulling me against him.
“I’ll grab your coat and sweater. Don’t move.
” He almost whispers while looking down at me, deep into my eyes.
He crouches down, sliding his hands down the outside of my legs not breaking the connection of touching me and he picks up my things with one hand, the other still gripping my calf.
He stands again, so slowly, bringing his hand back up my leg to settle on my hip.
I look up at him and notice the pain in his eyes. His deep, brown eyes, so dark they are almost black.
“Willow.” It’s another whisper while his hand comes to drift up my spine sending what feels like a current of electricity over my whole body.
“Dragna.” I reply back with a whisper of my own.
“I’m sorry.” He says it so quietly I almost think I imagined him saying anything at all, but the sorrow on his face matches his words and for whatever reason I know he really means it and that him leaving me the way he did has caused him pain too.
“It’s okay.” I say, bringing my head down and closing my eyes. I clutch his shirt in my fists like it’s my only lifeline, still feeling dizzy from everything.
With one hand running softly up and down my spine, I hear him drop my belongings and with his now free hand, he brings it to my chin to tilt my face back to his gaze.
I open my eyes to look at him again and when I do, he slides his palm to cup my face just like how he did before leaving me on my doorstep.
“I shouldn’t be doing this.” He says softly.
“Doing what?” I ask with a shaky breath.
“This.”
And with that one word, he leans down while simultaneously pulling me towards him and before I even know what’s happening he’s pressing his lips to mine.