13. Cassidy
CHAPTER 13
CASSIDY
“Dolly! Jolene! You didn’t see it coming. I knew it. Mom, did you see me?”
Connor’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts, and I turn with a start. He’s standing by the front door, backpack slung over one shoulder. His face is full of uncontainable energy and the dogs bounce with him, their tails wagging.
“You probably didn’t,” he continues matter-of-factly, “because I’m wearing my Flash shirt.”
“What?” I blink, still catching up.
“This shirt makes me incredibly fast—Too fast for the human eye.” He gestures at himself like a magician revealing his greatest trick. “You didn’t see me, but I zoomed right past you, and now we have three minutes until we leave, nine minutes before we arrive, and sixteen minutes before the bell rings. It’s because I ate my oatmeal in four minutes when normally it takes six.”
A smile tugs at my lips before I can stop it. “Well, Flash, why don’t you use the next three minutes to brush your teeth before we go?”
“You won’t even see me.”
Then, in a blur of gangly limbs and boundless energy, Connor takes off down the hallway. He makes an exaggerated zooming noise as he goes. I exhale, shaking my head with amusement. I hope Randolph appreciates all the Connor-isms that bring so much joy to my world.
As soon as he disappears, I pick up my phone and get back to it. Some people stalk their exes on social media. I’ve never been above that kind of thing. But the truth is, I don’t have any exes to stalk. Not really. My entire dating life was consumed by Randolph. I never had a high school sweetheart, a college fling, or a rebound romance. It was just him.
Now that we’re divorced, the urge to check up on him doesn’t even exist. Not once have I wondered who he’s seeing or what he’s doing when Connor isn’t with him.
But Alex… has changed all that.
For four long days, I’ve been drowning in the radio silence between us. I know it’s self-imposed, but it’s suffocating nonetheless. I was the one who tore us apart and shattered us into something unrecognizable. I’ve spent all my time applying for as many jobs as possible and have been shocked to get two interviews lined up in the next week. They’re way out in Findlay, but building autonomy would be worth the drive. But none of the tasks have stopped my mind from wandering to Alex. And now, all I want to know is if he’s okay.
But he doesn’t make it easy. Alex isn’t exactly what you’d call a live online type. I don’t know what I expected. Certainly, he wouldn’t be taking selfies with his freezer pizza, but I thought he’d at least have a Facebook profile. He’s an elder millennial, but I guess it’s possible that he missed the boat by a few years.
The only pictures I can find of him on social media are marketing photos from Kingridge Ranch. Mostly they are staged shots with his brothers. They are the kind meant to sell an image rather than tell a personal story. But even through the stiff poses and grumpy expressions, I can see him. The real him.
The man who watches me like I’m the only thing that matters. The man who held me like I was something precious. I miss Alex in a way I’ve never missed anyone. It’s like a piece of my heart is walking around without me and I ache to get him back.
My regret is a living, breathing thing that has taken on a life of its own at this point. It felt like everything was slipping into chaos around me. Since then, my resolve to keep my distance has wavered more than once.
But he’s kept his distance just like I asked him to. Now I refuse to put Alex through some kind of emotional tug-of-war. If I can’t be all in, the most kind thing to do is to let him go completely. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it stops the ache.
“Boom. One minute until school departure.” Connor’s voice cuts through my spiral and his grin is infectious.
I shove everything down and focus on the one thing that has always been certain—my son. “Ready when you are, boss.”
We settle into our short drive with the same playlist queued up like always. Country Roads, Take Me Home. We Will Rock You. Old Town Road. The songs play on repeat as per Connor’s ritual, but truthfully I’ve grown to like the consistency too. Connor bounces his knees in time with the beat. But then in a change of routine, he pauses and gestures for me to turn down the music.
“Mom, are we gonna ride horses again at Kingridge Ranch?”
The question catches me completely off guard. We haven’t spoken much about the night of the Hoedown because I never want Connor to feel like he’s stuck in the middle between his father and me. “I’m not sure. Why? Did you like horseback riding?”
“I loved it,” he says with absolute certainty. “And I like the real cowboys there, too. They were cool. They said I could be a rancher if I wanted. I don’t even have to wait until I’m an adult. I can do it right now. Not technically right now because I have school, but from two-thirty until tomorrow morning I’m in charge of my own time.”
I glance at him in the rearview mirror, something warm unfurling in my chest. Connor tips an invisible hat in my direction adding a wink for good measure.
“That is pretty cool,” I admit.
It hits me that Alex hasn’t taken anything from Connor. He’s only given him confidence and a sense of belonging in the short time they’ve gotten to know each other. And the more I think about it, the same can be said for me.
Alex has lifted me up, not held me back. He’s made my life better, fuller, brighter. I pushed him away because I was afraid of losing myself and getting caught up in something I couldn’t control. But that was a huge mistake and I can see it so clearly now. My heart rate ticks up.
Before Connor gets out of the car, we do our secret handshake. It’s the best part of our morning routine. Before he disappears into the school building, I remind him that tomorrow he’ll be back with his dad.
Connor barely reacts to the news. It doesn’t bother him. Not the way it bothers me. It gives me hope that maybe things with Randolph will smooth out after a while. Maybe there is a world where Connor could have two sets of loving parents.
I drive home with my to-do list still burning a hole in my pocket. There are a million things I should be focusing on. Finding a job, building a community of support for Connor, and taking care of myself all compete for my attention. But one thought keeps floating to the top.
Building my life could mean creating a world with Alex. Maybe I don’t have to choose. Maybe I can reach my goals and love Alex too. It seems too good to be true. I know that kind of happily ever after happens for other people, but maybe it could happen for me too.
I take the pups for their morning walk. By the time we get back home, I’m overwhelmed with a desperate need to talk to Alex. I want to apologize. I’ve been a coward, I can see that now. I’m done letting fear dictate my choices. I can create security for myself, the interviews have proven that. But right now, I choose love.
I don’t bother putting on makeup or changing out of my worn-in jeans and hoodie. It feels good and natural. The best part is that Alex won’t care either way. He isn’t in this to impress anyone. He loves me for who I am and it’s time for me to tell him that I love him too.
Just as I reach for my phone, it vibrates on the kitchen table. My heart leaps into my throat when I see the name on the screen. It’s him. The message is short but it sends my heart thudding in my chest.
Alex: We need to talk.
My hands tremble as I type out my reply, my fingers moving faster than my thoughts can keep up.
Me: Yes we do. I want to see you.
A pause stretches on for what feels like a lifetime and I hold my breath. Three dots appear, disappear, and then finally?—
Alex: Meet me at the stables.