CHAPTER TEN
HE GRUNTS AND lets go of my hand.
My shocked gaze skitters down. The blood is quickly blooming on his white shirt and I gasp, letting go of the handle. “Oh my God, you just…”
Grunting again, he hunches over, his hand smacking the tree with a crack, his features tight and his brows furrowed. He clenches his eyes shut as he bites out, “Fuck.”
“What do I do? What do I do?” I ask him, panicked.
As if in response, he takes his hand off the tree again and goes for the knife that’s sticking out of his torso.
He wraps his slightly shaking fingers around the handle, engulfing it completely, before yanking it out the same way he shoved it in.
This time, his grunt is louder and his features are tighter than before, and my heart is about to beat out of my chest. He drops the knife on the ground and goes back to holding the tree for support.
His breaths are loud and labored. His chest flares wide with each one he takes in and his back shudders with every exhale.
Without knowing what else to do, I reach out and press my hand to his wound.
And holy shit, it’s bad. It’s so very, very bad.
Just like his shirt, my fingers are soaked with his blood.
It’s hot and thick and dripping. Suddenly, the air seems saturated with its scent, sharp and metallic.
“Y-you’re bleeding too much. You’re—”
His green eyes are clouded with pain as he focuses on me. “Good.”
“What?”
“You did…” He grunts, his lips pursed. “Good.”
“No, but”—I look at him urgently—“did you hear what I-I said? There’s too much blood. There’s—”
He shakes his head sharply, his brow beaded with sweat. “It’s fine.”
“I don’t—”
“Went in smooth. You didn’t… hit anything; looks worse than it is.”
“But—”
“Hurts”—he clenches his jaw—“like a bitch. Like you wanted it to.”
“I didn’t want this. I didn’t…”
“Might need… stitches, but… Gonna be fine.”
My hand on his wound pulses and I feel dizzy. “Stitches? Oh my God. Oh my God, I’m going to pass out.”
He grunts before muttering dryly, “Sure, why not? Stabbin’ someone does take its toll.”
“I’ll do it,” I declare, ignoring his attempt at sarcasm. Which, if the situation was different, I’d be a lot more focused on, given so far he’s displayed zero sense of humor.
“Do what?”
“Stitch you up.”
He watches me a moment, his eyes appearing slightly clear. “You’ll stitch me up.”
“Yes,” I say, snapping my spine straight. “I will stitch you up.”
“You stitch anythin’ else up before?”
“No,” I admit, determination flowing through my veins alongside fear; God, so much fear for him. “But how hard can it be? I can do it. I can save you. I can—”
In the next breath, I find my cheek cradled in his rough palm, his fingers buried in my hair and his thumb stroking my jaw.
“Darlin’, I’m fine, yeah? I ain’t dyin’.
It’s just a stab wound. Superficial, most likely.
Have had a lot worse, all right? So I need you to calm the fuck down before you start pokin’ me with needles. Or worse, really pass out on me.”
I stare at him, at his tight features, his looming form.
His jaw is clenched tight and his scar stands out in stark relief.
There’s sweat beading his forehead, and every now and then, his breath ends in a slight growl, signaling his pain.
And I realize this is it. This is what he was talking about.
About his heart trying to beat out of his chest when he thought I was in danger.
About how it stopped at first but then beat like it never did before.
It wasn’t the wolves that made my heart do that or the fear of my own death; it was this.
Seeing him in so much pain that I feel it in the core of me.
I knew I wanted to hurt him, but I didn’t expect to feel this when he did get hurt.
I grab his wrist with both hands, leaving bloody prints on his skin. “Why did you do that?”
His gaze seems clear and alert when he replies, “’Cause you wanted to do it.”
“But I—”
“But you were takin’ your sweet-ass time with it.”
“I-I was deciding. I was—”
He shakes his head, his breaths heavy. “Ain’t got all night to stand around, waitin’ to get stabbed.”
I dig my nails into his hot skin. “You could’ve… you could’ve gotten away with it. You could’ve taken the knife away. And not just at the end, but any time you wanted. I know that. You know that. Why did you let me have it in the first place?”
He did do that, now that I think about it. He did give up that knife pretty easily. He all but dangled it in front of me. He did do other things too: gave me all the power, surrendered a little too easily. And I don’t understand it. I don’t get why he would do that.
“You were scared,” he rasps, his fingers flexing on my face, his eyes taking me in. “I did that. And a man pays his dues. A smart one anyhow.”
I shouldn’t let it get to me. I shouldn’t. His twisted morals; his crazy honor. I shouldn’t let my heart flutter or my belly clench at the most insane things he does and says. But I can’t help it. I can’t help my breathy words as I whisper, “I scared you too.”
His nostrils flare with a breath and his grip tightens. “Well then, I reckon we’re even. For tonight.”
I’m silent for a few seconds. Then, “It was you.”
He frowns in question.
“You’re the reason I went snooping,” I confess, only now realizing it myself, and his eyes widen slightly.
“I told myself I was doing it to find leverage or whatever, and I was. But mostly, I just wanted to find something on you. I wanted to know your secrets like you know mine. You’re a bigger threat to me than the Graysons, the biggest threat at Rawhide, aren’t you? And for good reason.”
He shakes his head once and his grip tightens. “I’m the biggest threat to you anywhere.”
I agree with him. Only I’m beginning to realize my definition of a threat is different from his.
To him, I may be the girl whose father destroyed his family and his sanity.
But to me, no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, he’s the man who makes me feel alive. Even when he’s scaring me to death.
“Wouldn’t have stopped,” he says cryptically, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“What?”
He inches closer to me then. As if trying to make sure every breath I take comes from him.
Every beat of my heart goes through his chest. Well, he shouldn’t have bothered because it already does.
In this moment, in this darkened corner of the world where only he and I exist, my very soul seems connected to him.
“Like Arsen did,” he continues.
My lips part as I begin to understand what he’s saying. “Back at the cabin?”
His eyes flick down to my mouth and his thumb digs into the side of it. “Yeah. Nothing could’ve stopped me from beatin’ that low-life scum into a pulpy fuckin’ mess for doin’ what he did.”
My heart has slowed down in my chest, as if in preparation for what he’s telling me. “You mean, for what he did. To get put away?”
“And tonight.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t believe in givin’ second chances,” he says then, nailing me with his gaze.
“If it were up to me, some of these scums of the earth that pass through the gates of Rawhide would never leave. They’d never see light of the day.
They’d be buried six feet under. Some people don’t deserve redemption no matter how hard they repent.
Do you understand what I’m sayin’ to you?
There’s a reason, Princess, why they call me a monster.
They don’t know what I’ve done. All they see is my scar, but they can sense it.
They’re wary of me. They move away from me, hardly look me in the eye.
They think it’s because of my face, but it ain’t.
It’s because of what’s inside me that scares ’em. They just don’t know it.”
I look at him with suspended breaths, study his sharp features. They’re still laced with pain, the lines hard and spiked, but there’s a gravity to them too. A different intensity than before. And I do realize what he’s saying. More than that, I realize what he’s doing. He’s telling me his secret.
“You have,” I say, my fingers wrapped around his wrist so tightly that he would have a hard time getting free of me even if he tried, “killed… people. Haven’t you?”
He stays silent, but the answer is plain to see on his face.
“H-how many?”
“Why?”
“More than one?”
Again, it’s plain to see on his face that the answer is more than one.
“Five?”
He keeps silent and watching.
“It’s more than five”—I swallow with difficulty—“isn’t it?”
His eyes sweep over my features and something passes through them.
I’m not sure what it is, but I’d like to know what he sees on my face right now.
Can he see how ruined I am? All tattered and destroyed and so completely hooked on him.
Then, in a low, gravelly voice, he asks, “You plannin’ on goin’ to the cops? ”
Immediately, I shake my head because that hadn’t even occurred to me. Which is undeniably crazy because that should have been my first thought.