17. Candice
17
CANDICE
“Now, I know you weren’t there, Maggie, but he was being weird,” I say to my horse, as we slow to a walk. “He wouldn’t leave me alone when I was talking to Jonah, and he still won’t tell me what’s up.”
Maggie lets out a snort in answer, and her breath immediately crystallizes in the frigid air. We’re on a trail ride today, and I’m wearing my chaps to keep warm, along with a quilted jacket and many, many layers. I pull Maggie to a stop, and dismount. I slip her bridle off, switch it out for a rope halter, and tie her up to an old fence. While she noses around in the dying grass for something to eat, I start taking a few photos of her set against the winter landscape.
I’m trying to be consistent with posting, just like Nathan said I should be, and so far it’s paying off. People loved the photos he took of me, though I’m sure the fact that I credited him was part of that. But some of those people definitely donated money, because the barn’s fundraiser is going well, too. We even received an anonymous donation for five hundred dollars. Money is money, and I’m happy to milk Nathan’s celebrity status for as long as possible.
I take a few more photos, including one of my booted feet on the ground, as well as a quick selfie with Maggie. I don’t know if I’ll post it, but I like having plenty of photos with her. She’s not that old, probably only thirteen or fourteen, but she won’t be around forever.
Icy fear grips my heart, like it always does whenever I think of one of the horses dying, or even getting sick. Whenever one of them so much as pulls a muscle I have to force myself to remain calm, and not to overthink things. Sometimes, though, I can’t help it. It reminds me too much of what happened when my grandparents died—how Grammy got sick and then Gramps just wasted away without her. How Beau and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
It also reminds me of how confused and small I felt when they tried to explain to me that our parents were gone. That they weren’t coming back, ever. I don’t have a ton of memories from that age, but I’ve never forgotten that feeling of confusion.
“Don’t ever leave me, Mags,” I tell my horse, giving her a scratch. I pull out some pellets from my saddle bag and scatter them on the ground for her.
I’m so lost in my thoughts of grief and family that I don’t notice another rider approaching until they’re close by. I hear the clomping of hooves, and when I turn around, I’m relieved to see that it’s Nathan and Ballantine.
“Oh, it’s you,” I say.
“Don’t sound so disappointed,” he drawls, pulling Bally up beside Maggie.
“Well, don’t stop on my account,” I say. “Continue on with your ride.”
He dismounts and ties Ballantine up anyway though, and then takes a step towards me. Sandwiched between the two horses, I have nowhere to go.
“No, I think I’ll take a break,” he says. “I need to take a few photos and post them to my social media accounts anyways. My manager thinks I need to show the world that I’m leading a wholesome life at the moment, and what’s more wholesome than a trail ride?”
I put my hand out. “Give me your phone.”
“What? So you can hack into my accounts and sabotage me?” Nathan says.
“No, idiot. So I can take a photo of you and Ballantine together. The women who follow you must be missing your face.”
Nathan passes me his phone hesitantly, which makes me roll my eyes. I move around, taking a couple shots of him and Ballantine, and then one of his face in profile with his hat tipped back. He’s got more five o’clock shadow than normal, and his chestnut hair is peeking out around the brim, a lock of it falling into his eyes. Not for the first time, I curse the fact that the devil is so damn handsome.
“Here,” I say, giving him the phone back. “Those will keep your rabid fans happy.”
Nathan sighs, sounding genuinely annoyed for a moment. “I don’t have rabid fans, Candice.”
“Well, they’ve been commenting on every post I make, asking what you’re up to. They even think the two of us might be a thing,” I say.
Nathan’s head whips up and he looks me dead in the eyes. “What?”
“Well, I tagged you in a few posts, and credited you with the photos you took of me the other day. I guess it just looks a certain way…” I trail off, unsure what the dark look on his face means. “Is that a problem?”
“No, Viper, not a problem at all.”
“So why do you look so…so…mad?” I ask. “Is it that bad? That people think we’re together?”
This has Nathan tipping his head back and laughing, which nearly sends his hat flying.
“I keep forgetting,” he says, after he’s done laughing.
“What?” I snap. “What do you keep forgetting?”
“I keep forgetting that you’re so inexperienced. That you have no idea what it looks like when a man is barely reining himself in around you.”
My whole body flushes at Nathan’s words. “I’m not inexperienced. I’m not—I’m not a virgin,” I manage to say.
“I didn’t mean to offend,” Nathan says sincerely. “But you told me a man had never made you feel good before.”
“Well, yeah, because Ralph doesn’t know what he’s doing and I get nervous,” I say.
“And like I said before, that’s a damn shame,” Nathan tells me.
He takes a step towards me, and reaches out and tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear. Just like before, I can’t help but want to lean into his warmth.
“You deserve to feel good,” he says softly. “You deserve someone who cares enough to pleasure you.”
A shiver goes through me at hearing the word pleasure come from Nathan’s lips.
“What did you mean about not being able to rein yourself in?” I ask, almost afraid to hear the answer.
Nathan looks pained now, like he’s forcing himself to hold the words in. The hand on my cheek stills, and the wind whips around us.
“Tell me,” I demand.
“I meant,” he says, “that every damn time I see you I have to force myself to look away. I meant that you’re so beautiful it fucking kills me—sears me right to my core. And I think it’s terrible that a woman like you, wild and confident and free, hasn’t found a man to love her right. The way she deserves.”
As I absorb Nathan’s words and their meaning, heat fills me, banishing the Montana chill. Nathan Booth wants me. Nathan Booth thinks I’m beautiful. Nathan Booth thinks I’m wild and confident and free. It all sounds too crazy to be real.
“You’re lying,” I say.
“Am I?” he asks. “Is this a lie?” He strokes his hand down my cheek, and then onto my jaw. “Is this?” He tips my face up gently with his hand, and then leans in, his lips hovering above mine. “Tell me, Candice. Does it look like I’m lying, now?”
I shake my head.
“Good,” he says softly.
The moment crackles between us, at once both sharp and electric, and soft and hazy. It’s not something I’ve ever felt before—certainly not with Ralph, and not with any other man.
I’m not sure who moves first, but our lips find each other like some sort of inevitable collision, as we’re finally untethered from everything that has been holding us back. Nathan’s lips are soft and gentle at first, but all I can think, almost immediately, is more.
And then he hauls me against him with his free hand, giving me exactly what I want, as if he can sense it just by touching me. He presses his body into mine and groans against my mouth. His tongue parts my lips and strokes into my mouth, and he keeps his grip on my jaw gentle but firm, holding me steady as his lips devour me. My senses are overwhelmed. By his taste, his touch, his scent—leather, tobacco, vanilla.
I break the kiss for a moment, feeling like I need to catch my breath.
“Candice,” he says. “I’m sorry, I?—”
“ Don’t be sorry. I kissed you too,” I say.
Nathan still looks hesitant. “But was that too much? Was I going too fast?”
I blush for some reason, the heat rising in my cheeks despite the cold.
“No, that’s not it,” I say. “I wanted it just as much as you did. But this is all new to me. And I was feeling overwhelmed.”
“If it helps, this is new to me too.”
“No it’s not,” I say. “You’ve kissed thousands of women.”
“Well maybe not thousands,” Nathan says. “But sure. A lot. Though hardly ever during the day, and normally we skip the kissing part and go straight to, uh…” he trails off.
“I get what you mean,” I say. “What a pair we make. I’ve only ever had sex with one man, and you’re basically a cowboy Casanova, but both of us are new to kissing.”
Nathan laughs, the sound bright and clear in the frosty air. The hand on my waist tightens, drawing me closer once more. I feel safe with Nathan, like I know he’d never do anything I didn’t want him to do. And the anxiety that normally fills me whenever I’m with a man isn’t there when I’m with him, and it never has been. It’s probably because I know that Nathan and I will never feel anything but lust for one another.
A fleeting, wild thought fills my head and before I can stop myself, I’m voicing it out loud.
“You could teach me,” I say.
“What?” Nathan asks, taking a hasty step back.
I forge ahead, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. “What I know about pleasure, sex, and being with a man could fit into a thimble,” I say. “I want to be in a happy relationship someday but how am I going to do that if I’m so inexperienced?”
“That’s what a relationship is for, Candice. Practice,” Nathan says, eying me warily.
“Sure, maybe. But whenever I have feelings for someone, I get too anxious to enjoy sex because I worry I’m doing it all wrong. I always felt that way with Ralph, even though I really liked him at first. But with you, I feel totally comfortable.”
“Right,” Nathan says slowly.
“I mean it, Nathan. I want to practice. I want something casual and fun, and I want it to be with you…because…because,” I flounder, looking for the right words. “I feel like I can be myself with you. You already dislike me so much that there’s no reason to hide.” Those words surprise me but they feel honest. Maybe the reason I’m so bad with romantic and sexual relationships is because I’m too afraid of being vulnerable, and of things going wrong.
A strange look crosses Nathan’s face, almost like regret, but it’s gone in an instant. He starts rubbing a circle on my hip with his fingers, slowly tracing it over and over again. My breathing quickens, and I feel my face flush all over again, as heat slowly blooms in my core.
“Look at you,” Nathan says, raking his eyes over me. “The things I could teach you. The way I could make you feel…I’m half tempted to take you up on your ridiculous offer.”
“You should,” I whisper. “It’s a good offer.”
“Probably the best I’ll ever get,” Nathan says, almost to himself.
I don’t know what else to say to convince him, but it feels imperative that I do, somehow. I don’t want to live without this feeling—this heat, this closeness, this safety—anymore. Even if it’s nothing more than lust.
I’m so tired of being lonely.
Thankfully, before I can demean myself by begging, Nathan says, “I’ll do it. But there have to be rules.”
“Of course,” I say. “Like we should both get STD tests and agree not to sleep with anyone else while we’re doing this.” I almost can’t believe what I’m saying, what we’re agreeing to do. But this is exactly what I was thinking I wanted the other day with Jenny—a little practice. Something fun and casual.
“I had one last month. I’m clean,” Nathan says. “And I won’t be seeing any other women. Don’t worry about that.”
I try not to grin at how easily he agrees to not seeing anyone else.
“Obviously, I won’t be seeing anyone either,” I say. “And clearly I’m clean.”
“Second rule is that we can’t let Beau get wind of this,” he adds. “His head will explode.”
“He’s not that protective of me anymore, but you’re right. This isn’t his style and he wouldn’t understand it.”
“Star Mountain’s knight in shining armor would never,” Nathan quips.
“Exactly,” I say, smiling. “So, we’ll keep it a secret.”
I don’t add that I’ll definitely be telling Winnie about this. Because best friends don’t count and besides, Nathan doesn’t even know her and she lives in Alabama.
“Perfect,” Nathan says, smiling down at me.
“So when’s our first lesson?” I ask.
“I think we just had it, Viper.”
As soon as Nathan and I get back to the barn and tend to our horses, I go in search of a quiet, private place to call Winnie. I try the barn office, but Tomás is right outside of it sorting through old pieces of tack. My bedroom it is. Thankfully, Beau isn’t home and the house is empty. I grab some snacks from the kitchen and then lock my bedroom door and put a pillow in front of it just in case. I have no idea what my brother’s schedule is today and I’m not risking it.
“Pick up, pick up,” I chant as the video call rings.
Thankfully, Winnie does eventually, though she’s slightly red and out of breath.
“Hey sugar,” she says. “I nearly missed you because I couldn’t find my phone.”
While this explanation might make sense, something seems off. Her voice seems strained and it’s not like Winnie to leave her phone somewhere. She’s glued to it at all times, managing her social media accounts that have a combined following of over three million.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Just a little spat with Mom, but it’s all fine,” she says in a cheerful voice.
I don’t probe any further. I can tell that Winnie is trying to pretend that everything’s okay and I don’t like forcing her to talk about things if she doesn’t want to. Sometimes, people need quiet, gentle support, rather than guns-blazing defense. Don’t get me wrong, I’d punch Winnie’s mom myself if I had the chance. But telling Winnie that will just make her even more stressed out, and I already know that she’s planning to escape her family as soon as she can.
“Why’d you call? Miss me?” she asks.
“Yes Win, I miss you,” I say. “It’s been ages since we saw one another in person.”
“But you called for a specific reason, I can tell,” Winnie says. “It’s your eyes; they’re bugging out of your head.”
“Gee, thanks Win.”
She gives me an expectant look.
“Ugh, fine, you’re right. I called to tell you something.” I was so excited to call Winnie but now that I’m faced with explaining what’s going on with me and Nathan, I’m hesitant. What if she judges me?
“I knew it!” Winnie says, her voice going up at the end in excitement. “Tell me everything. I bet it was something with that sexy cowboy you hate.”
“Maybe,” I say, smiling. I was dumb for thinking she might judge me—she’s going to eat this up with a spoon.
I give Winnie the full run down, starting with Nathan saving me from Ralph the other night, and ending with the moment I asked Nathan if he could be my practice.
“Oh my God, Candice, you didn’t!” she gasps out.
“I did,” I say, grinning.
“You little bad ass! I’d never have the guts to do that,” she says.
“Well I only did it because the stakes with Nathan are so low. He doesn’t like me and I practically hate him.”
Winnie just raises an eyebrow at me.
“Okay,” I admit, “so I don’t hate him as much as I did before he came to Star Mountain. But I’m still suspicious of his type.”
“I know, I know. Cowboys only stick around for a good time, not a long time.”
“Exactly!” I say. “I’m sure that as soon as his community service is complete, he’ll be hightailing it out of Star Mountain, leaving me in the dust. I can’t get attached to him so he’s the perfect person to practice with.”
“You have a point,” Winnie says. “But be careful anyways, Candice. I worry about you.”
“And I worry about you.” This time I’m the one raising a brow at her.
“Fair enough,” she says, sighing a bit. “But still. I don’t want you to get hurt, especially when I’m not there to threaten him.”
“There’s no way Nathan could hurt me, Win, so don’t worry.”
“How’s that?”
“I don’t have any feelings for him and I never will,” I say, shrugging.
But the words don’t feel completely honest, especially because Nathan hurt me once before, the first time we met. And if he’d said no to my offer earlier? Well, I doubt I would have rolled with the punches.
I better keep my guard up around him is all I know.