Chapter 15 #2
“My nightmares…” Oh my god. This whole time—could it be?
“Hayden, since I can remember, I’ve been plagued by nightmares.
More vivid than my waking life. In my nightmares, I die every night.
” Hayden looks stricken. “I’ve dreamed of having my throat slit.
Poisonings. A dagger through the eye. I’ve been pushed from a cliff, a knife opening my stomach—”
“Stop.” Hayden buries his hands in his hair.
“But they’re not nightmares. Are they, Hayden?” I say.
“No,” he says hoarsely. “No, they’re not.”
This is all too much. So much. I’m feeling light-headed and feverish. My whole life—lives?!—is completely recontextualized. Every night I thought I was dreaming my death. Except I was never dreaming.
I was reliving them.
“Hayden, how many times have I died?”
He takes a deep breath. “Ten.”
Hayden crouches beside me on the cold stone floor. He braces my shoulders, his concerned gaze raking over my face. But he’s so careful to keep space between us.
“You never make it to your nineteenth birthday.” Hayden’s voice is hollow.
“I’ve…I’ve tried everything. Everything.
But every time you’re killed, it’s at a different person’s hands.
There’s no pattern to it, no single enemy I can stop.
” He swallows hard. “No matter what I do, Rose, no matter how closely I watch you, how hard I try to protect you, it’s never enough.
” Hayden’s exhale is shuddery, and he reaches out, cupping my face with his hands, his eyes spilling over.
“But how do I come back each time?”
Hayden shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know for sure. All I can tell you is this: There is magic in this world. Beyond vampires. Witches. Warlocks. Old, ancient magic. Someone cursed me, Rose. Or you. Or us both. Cursed us to fall in love and get torn apart, over and over.”
“Who would do that?”
He shrugs and gives a mirthless laugh. “Take your pick. I made a lot of enemies before I met you.” He looks me deep in my eyes.
“Vampires are supposed to be immortal, Rose, but I’ve died every time I’ve lost you.
All your graves are as good as mine because—” Hayden makes a broken, choking sound.
“Each time I have rocked your cold body against me, I was sure, I was certain I would die from the pain. God, when I didn’t, I—I fucking begged for it. ”
“Why?” I sob, trying to wrench my face out of Hayden’s hands. He won’t let me, holding me gently, his thumbs swiping the tears from my cheek, his gaze naked and full of longing.
“Because I love you,” Hayden whispers harshly, pressing his forehead to mine.
I gasp, trembling, shaking my head. He loves me?
I can’t help it. I rise on my knees, grab his face, pull him down to press his mouth against mine.
Hayden’s hand shoots out, grabs my wrist, stops me. “Wait.” Our lips are so close, I can taste his breath, like mint and rain. “I need to explain,” he pants.
“I want to kiss you,” I murmur, no longer hiding the need in my voice. Hayden groans, his grip on my wrist squeezing so hard it almost hurts.
“I can’t protect you, Rose. I’ve tried, and…” Hayden tilts his head slightly, our noses brushing.
So I tilt my chin up. I brush my lips against his, and he lets a rough noise escape. I want to taste him, I immediately think, so dizzy and mindless, I press forward with my tongue. I gasp when I touch something very long and very sharp—his fangs.
“Stop.” Hayden’s grip on my wrist pulses, one quick squeeze, but it’s so strong, it grinds my bones together.
I cry out, and he’s immediately up on the chancel, crouched beside the altar.
Hayden’s panting, and his fangs are out all the way.
He’d look like the paragon of an apex predator if not for the wrench of concern on his face.
“Rose—are you okay? Did I…please tell me I didn’t hurt you. ”
Breathing hard, I examine my wrist. No bruises. Not even a mark.
“I’m fine.” I look down at my frail, barely clothed body, suddenly wishing I had a blanket to crawl under. “Don’t…don’t you want me?”
For a moment, Hayden looks dumbstruck. And then he laughs, shaking his head. He rises gracefully to his feet, and when he looks at me, there’s a smolder to his gaze that I’ve seen before but could never place. His fists clench and unclench.
“You really have no clue.” Hayden’s voice is dark and threadbare. His chest rises and falls with his rapid breaths. His fangs keep catching the firelight, looking especially long and sharp. “Rose. I want you. In every way possible.”
The need in his voice shoots right through me, sending a wave of heat so powerful, I let out a small whimper. At the sound, Hayden’s eyes rove my body hungrily before he grits his teeth and turns away, leaning heavily on the altar.
“We can’t,” he says. “I’m desperate, Rose.
Every time I find you and we fall in love, you die.
I was holding you the last time you…” Hayden scrubs his knuckles across his mouth, glaring at the ground.
“I swore to myself that this time, until I found a way to break the curse, I would stay away. Watch over you from afar. Even though it kills me. But I had to try something different, Rose. I thought if I kept my distance, if we didn’t fall in love like we usually do, maybe that would stop the cycle.
I had to try fucking anything, because I can’t—I can’t keep losing you. ” His voice cracks.
“Last year…The truck in California.”
“Yeah,” he says heavily. “Sorry that I ran away. That I lied to you. It was for your protection. You were never meant to know I existed. I followed you here, to Payen. But I was still trying to keep away from you, so I had Delia be your roommate—”
“You know Delia?” I squeak.
The realization is slow dawning, my brain overwhelmed from the evening’s multiple tectonic shifts to my universe.
“Delia’s a vampire.” I press a hand to my chest.
“Yeah.” Hayden gives a curt nod. “A damn good one too. She’s a little older than me, so she can do a few things I can’t. Like compel that asshat old roommate of yours to pack up and take Daddy’s money to Harvard so she could slip into the system and be your roommate.”
“Oh,” I say, tucking my knees to my chest and rocking on the floor. “But you didn’t stay away from me. Why didn’t you stay away?”
“Because I fucking can’t,” Hayden says, dragging a hand through his hair, sounding desperate. “Because every time I’m around you, I can’t resist you, no matter how hard I try.”
“Oh, this is…so much. Hayden, my birthday’s in less than three weeks—”
“I know.” Hayden’s suddenly kneeling on the stone floor beside me. With a single finger he tilts my chin up. His gaze is a fierce violet blaze. “I won’t let it happen, Rose. I won’t lose you again. I swear it.”
I reach for him, but he pulls back, dodging my touch. I let out a despairing noise, and he shakes his head fiercely.
“How does it usually go? When we have this conversation?” I ask.
Hayden lets go of me. “This is the first time we’re having it. You’ve never known about your past lives before. And maybe…” His brow furrows. “Maybe that might help too.”
We fall into a long, despairing silence. I wipe my eyes. This is why I like thunderstorms. Feels like the earth’s crying with me.
“What are you saying, then?” I whisper shakily.
“Rose, this is the only way I can make sure you’re safe. You understand? This has to be goodbye. I mean it this time. After today, you won’t see me again. I’ll always watch over you, I promise, but we can’t be together.”
“No, Hayden—” I’m crying again, and Hayden wrenches his eyes shut.
“God, I hate making you cry. I hate it. But if the alternative is losing you—” He shakes his head.
I finally have the answers I’ve been looking for. All of them. The mystery, the distance, the longing, the way Hayden has always felt just out of reach. I finally understand him—see him—in a way I never have before.
But then the cruelty of all this hits me at once. The moment I’ve gotten Hayden, finally gotten him, I’ve also lost him forever.
“It’s not fair,” I say, pressing my fists to my thighs. “It’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“Hayden,” I rush out, “I know we…we just met, but I—”
“Don’t say it,” Hayden grates out. “Please don’t; it’s already unbearable.” He opens his mouth, then clamps it shut. “But of course I do too, Rose. Forever. For always.”