Chapter 2
Two
Meri
Ayla sat for a few hours, telling me all about Callah's letter. Our friend, it seemed, was just as strong as Ayla. I wasn't. I knew I wasn't, but a little part of me wanted to be. Not the same sort of strong. Ayla's strength was cruel. Callah's was devious. I just wanted to be kind.
But kindness had always made it easy for others to walk all over me. Kindness had never served me. I knew I should rebel against it, but Ayla had told me I could be anything I wanted, and I wanted to be kind. I wanted to live in a world where that wasn't a weakness to regret.
I simply didn't know how.
Eventually, Ayla finally left, saying she had to feed her dog, but she sent in a nurse to talk to me. It was Viema, the same lady who'd been taking care of me all day. The woman swept into my room with a smile and a clipboard filled with papers.
"Meri!" she beamed. "The Phoenix said you're ready to hear about this paperwork, hm?"
"For the baby?" I asked.
She gave me a warm smile and sank into the same chair Ayla had left. "This is for adoption. It will relinquish your parental rights to the child. However, there are some choices you get to make, and I'm happy to go over them with you."
"Okay?"
She turned the clipboard toward me so I could see the text. "I don't know how well you read Vestrian yet."
I made a face. "It's still easier to speak it."
She nodded. "Okay, then I'll read this to you."
And she did. Bit by bit, she read the complicated words, which felt like they turned on themselves worse than a sermon - and then explained it.
When we got to one of the places for me to make a decision, she laid out my options in the sort of simple words that made sense to me. The kind most people used when talking.
But I didn't want to have any future control or responsibility to this child. That negated the whole point of letting someone else raise him, didn't it? Then there was the time before it could all be finalized. During that period, I could change my mind if I wanted.
Finally, we got to a part that felt important. "Now, this section means you can choose to either have the city - well, the child services people - find an appropriate family, or you can name the people who you'd like to adopt the child."
"Jeera and Brielle," I said. "Viema, they cared for me. I know they are kind, and..." I couldn't find the words. "They..."
"It's okay," she soothed. "I understand, Meri."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "I don't want children either. I think you're brave for doing this, and even more for choosing someone you might see again. If it was me, I'd want the baby as far away as possible."
"But it's not his fault," I told her.
"It's not," she agreed, "but you deserve to be protected from those memories too. I also don't want you to feel like you have to pick your friends. If you want someone else, I'll make sure Jeera and Brielle are told child services placed him elsewhere. They won't ever know you asked."
"No, them," I insisted.
And she smiled. "Then we'll make sure they are the ones." Her pen scribbled on the page, and then she reached over to pat my leg. "So you know, you're making them very happy with this."
"I just don't want him to become a Mole."
"No, we're Dragons here."
And then it was done. I had to sign a few places, and Viema reminded me there was still a waiting period, but that little boy was no longer something for me to worry about. Then she asked if I wanted to see him.
"No!" I hissed.
She simply lifted a hand to calm me. "Then you don't have to.
You're allowed to, though. I can take you past the nursery, or I can bring him in here.
Meri, I'm simply making sure that after all you did for us, we Dragons are being fair to you.
You deserve to know all your options without feeling pressured, and today, I'm the one who gets to help with that. "
"I don't want him," I whimpered. "Viema, he's going to look like Gideon, and if I see it, I'll never be able to stop!"
"Then you will never have to see him," she promised. "Now let me get this filed. Meri, you're done."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "All that's left is some rest and recovery." Standing, she reached out to pat my leg again. "If you need anything else, let me know?"
I nodded, and then she left, closing the door behind her. For a bit, I leaned back, trying to nap again, but I'd slept so much lately. In all my life, I'd never been allowed to sleep this long at a time, and now my mind had no reason to pause.
Instead, it spun.
I'd given the baby to my friends. I knew Jeera and Brielle wanted a baby. They'd told me all about how much they'd love to have a child in their lives - it was why I'd picked them. Well, and to repay their kindness. But I hadn't planned for one thing.
I lived with them. The baby was going to live with them now, and that meant I would have to see him every day. Viema said I was done, and in the infirmary, once we were stable, we were sent to our own rooms to heal, but where was I expected to go?
I couldn't go to Jeera and Brielle's. Maybe Ayla would help me find somewhere else?
She'd said she'd share a room with me if I needed it, but that had been when I'd first arrived.
I knew Lessa didn't have any room. The one time she'd hosted me, she'd given me her room to rest in because it was all she had.
Easing myself up, I looked around the room, wondering what had happened to my clothes. I'd been wearing them when Naomi had taken me to surgery. Now I was in a wrap-around thing that tied loosely at my waist, but there were cabinets in this room.
Easing myself out of the bed - and feeling my body protest - I opened the closest. In there were things like pillows and blankets. When I moved to the next, however, I found it. The dress I'd worn to help during the battle had been folded nicely. Even my underthings were in there!
I changed quickly, aware of how often people knocked and then walked into this room. Then again, "quickly" wasn't as fast as it used to be. My body hurt. The incision along my belly had a bandage over it, but every movement I tried to make was like a sharp pain, reminding me I was not whole yet.
When I finished, I paused to look around the room one more time. The flowers were beautiful, but were they for the room? I wasn't sure, and I had nowhere to take them, so I did my best to memorize how beautiful it was in here with all these plants around me. Real, living ones!
Finally, I pulled open the door and stepped out. I was fine, so it was time for me to leave. I didn't want to use a bed someone might need. I also hoped I'd make it across town before Ayla left to go hunting.
Then I took my first step.
My body wanted to hunch over. Breathing slowly, I pushed through the pain.
Beside me, the desk for the nurses was empty.
It was their time for an evening meal, and the few still here were probably caring for the ones who needed help still.
That meant there was no one to help me, but it was okay. I would help myself.
Pressing a hand over the wound, I felt like I was holding my guts in, but that made it easier to stand straight. My steps were small, but I'd run around this building enough to know how to get out. I might be dreading the stairs, but I could do this.
I was fine.
I'd survived.
Now, I just had to figure out what came next. The one thing I wouldn't do was complain. My child was healthy, they'd said. He was doing well, so I hadn't upset God. I hadn't caused punishment to fall on either of us. I had done my duty as both a wife and a woman, and now it was my turn.
I simply didn't know what it was my turn for. The one thing I was hoping was that Ayla would help me figure it out. She would let me stay - she had to. She'd made it clear she would always be on my side, so all I had to do was make it to her place.
But when I turned the corner for the stairwell, the door opened in my hands. I yelped, jerking back, and pain consumed me. A hand grabbed my arm. Another braced my shoulders while I struggled to pant through the agony my quick movement had caused.
"Meri?" The voice belonged to Drozel.
I lifted tear-filled eyes to find him stabilizing me. "I moved too fast," I mumbled.
He nodded slowly. "Why are you out of bed?"
My lower lip jutted out like it had a mind of its own and my throat tensed up. My already damp eyes filled even more until the first tear spilled down my cheek. I didn't mean to cry, but I also couldn't stop it.
"I don't want to live with the baby," I managed to squeak out. "I'm going to be okay, and I don't want to take a bed someone needs, and I can't live with Jeera and Brielle, so I need to ask Ayla for help, and it's so far there, but I - "
The behemoth of a man scooped me into his arms and cradled me against his chest. "Shh," he breathed, shifting my skirt over his hand somehow. "Let's get you back into your room, okay?"
"But I did it, and I'm done here, and..." My voice picked that moment to break completely. All I could do was shake my head.
"Okay," he said, curling me closer to him. "So you don't want to stay here?"
Again, I shook my head.
That was all he needed. Drozel used his tail to yank open the door, then headed into the stairwell and down. He carried me like I weighed nothing at all, but every step jarred my still-healing belly. It was enough to make me cling to his neck.
"Okay," he said gently. "I got you, Meri. You took care of my tail, so I'm going to pay you back for that, and it sounds like this is my chance, right?"
"I don't know what you mean," I blubbered.
He chuckled softly, but not in a cruel way. "It means you deserve to be pampered, little sparrow. It means you have pregnancy hormones on overdrive, and you should be resting. It means, Meri, that if you won't stay here, and you don't want to stay with Jeera, then I know a very good place for you."
"Lessa doesn't have room," I reminded him.
"No, but Omden and I do."
He tilted his head, pressing his cheek against my hair as he opened the door that let us out of the hospital. And there, under the wild evening sky, he set off at a pace I wouldn't have been able to match even if I'd been whole.
Overhead, the clouds were the brightest pink I'd ever seen, edged in a color that was both orange and gold. Behind that, three stars were visible, but no more. Over Drozel's shoulder, the sky was some color that was part lilac and part the darkest blue I could imagine.
"Drozel?" I asked, wiping at my face in an attempt to regain my composure.
"Hm?" he asked.
"I don't know what to do now."
"You," he told me, "are going to be a proper guest, Meri.
You're going to be my guest, and that means I'll be offended if you refuse.
I'm going to give you a room where you can sleep, and recover, and heal all the way up, and to pull your fair share of this.
.." He looked at me and smiled. "You can tell Omden and me how to keep a proper house, okay? "
"But I don't want to tell you what to do!"
He simply chuckled again. "Too bad. Meri, Lessa says I'm horrible at housekeeping, so this means we need your help. I figure it's a fair trade, right? You help me, I help you, and then you don't need to live with Jeera anymore."
"I like Jeera."
He paused. "Do you want me to take you there?"
"I gave her the baby."
His arms tightened around my back, almost like the softest, gentlest hug I could imagine. "Then I'm taking you to my place."