Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
Ayla
Rymar got a crew to carry water. Zasen had others bring the medicine, then jumped in to help. The two doctors came to check every single person, telling all of us to do what we knew, but if we weren't sure to ask first. And while the Reapers appreciated the help, they also didn't slow down.
Not at all.
They pushed us. These were their people, and they weren't going to lose anyone else. I heard that whispered too many times. Thankfully, only once did someone mention my strange accent, asking if I was from another town. I smiled and assured him it was something like that.
The sun set in a flurry of brilliant colors. When night came, so did the chill air. Fires were lit outside the building in metal containers spaced evenly to warm the space. It was just enough to keep it comfortable even without walls, but many of the wounded were already feverish.
Python and Myrtle handled those. I sewed, and sewed, and sewed until my fingertips ached.
Beside me, Zasen was doing his best to keep up.
Blood was smeared above his elbows, but he looked good like that.
The Wyvern might excel at killing, but watching him like this?
I realized he was even better at healing.
"Take a break," a man said, slapping my shoulder gently. "We don't need your fingers bleeding in the wounds, and I think we're finally caught up."
"Good," I breathed, finishing up my last patient.
After making sure they were good, I put my borrowed things away and left the building. Someone had called it a pavilion, and while that wasn't a word I knew, this building wasn't like any I'd seen before, so it worked. But somewhere in that time, Holly had disappeared.
I knew she was from here so she wouldn't get lost, but it felt weird to not have her beside me. Still, there was one thing I needed to do first. Yrena had said the stone ring in the middle of the camp center was a well, and I needed to wash the latest man's blood from my arms.
I was bent over a spigot which pumped up water, scrubbing everything I could reach when the sound of dogs playing made me look over. There, I finally found Holly, and she was bouncing around a black dog. I was pretty sure it was Shadow, Lansin's dog, but I didn't know him as well as my own.
I finished up and called Holly's name, but that made a man turn quickly enough it drew my eye.
Lansin! I recognized him easily, and from the way he lifted a hand at me, he'd seen me too.
But before I could head that way, he held up a finger, asking me to wait.
Then he bent and hugged a young girl tightly.
He'd once said he had children, but I hadn't thought about that, so when he turned to kiss a little boy on the brow, I didn't want to intrude. Clearly, what had happened here had been bad. For all I knew, this was a private moment. So instead, I headed to Holly.
Lansin pulled both kids to him next, then crouched down to talk intently to them. Behind them was a cart with a horse. A woman sat in the front and the back was packed full, but boards on the side had been tied together. The damage made me think Moles had been the cause.
While I waited, Lansin lifted both kids into the cart, one by one.
The woman? He was only polite to her. She gave him a smile, but it looked forced.
And when she took the leather straps that controlled the horse and got the cart moving, Lansin stood there a little longer, waving. The kids waved back.
While I waited, I crouched down to pet Holly and Shadow. It didn't take long for the cart to move out of sight, and Lansin's shoulders slumped. He sighed heavily enough I could see it, then turned and made his way to me.
"I didn't expect you to come here," he said, offering me a smile that looked like he had to work to make happen.
Then his eyes dropped and that smile turned real.
Reaching up, he flicked the base of my torc.
"And a token too? Congratulations, Ayla.
I think you and..." He paused, looking at the signs on my token.
"All three? Yeah, that actually makes sense. "
I had to glance away, because those words felt like more praise than I deserved. "I think having Holly helped me relax a lot." But speaking of that, I still had a question. "They won't tell me who bought her, though."
"You did," he said without hesitation. "You, Ayla, earned that dog when you used her like a natural.
That she adores you made it happen. There's nothing more to it than that.
" And he chuckled. "Considering she looks to you instead of me now?
I think that proves it, because I spent a year teaching her all she knows. "
"She's amazing," I told him. "But I didn't mean to interrupt you and your wife."
"Not my wife," he assured me.
"Oh." I grimaced. "Sorry. I just thought those were your children. You said you have some."
He moved closer, pressing a hand against my shoulder blade to guide me forward. "Dogs, come!" Then he looked over at me. "Those are my kids, Ayla. The woman is their mother. She's not my wife or partner."
"I don't..." I tried to pause, but he kept me moving. The dogs both obediently walked at our sides. "Lansin, I don't understand."
"First, you need to eat," he said. "I'm going to assume you showed up with the rest of that Lorsa herd. We have a communal kitchen set up over here so no one goes without."
"Oh." That made sense.
"As for the woman?" He shrugged. "Her name is Layana. I tried to make her my partner - since neither of us are religious, and that's all a wedding is good for - but she refused."
"You still had children with her!" I hissed.
"I did," he agreed. "Intentionally, too." He murmured. "Please tell me you know the difference between an accidental pregnancy and a planned one?"
"I do," I assured him. "But why? What benefit do children give you if you aren't married?"
"The Moles are more fucked up than I realized," he said as we entered a large building.
"Moles?" someone asked from just inside the door.
"Moles," Lansin told them, sounding like he was confirming it. "This terrifying woman here once was one. Probably why she's here."
"Because I wanted to help," I said. "If I can figure out why they came here, then maybe we'll know what they're doing."
Lansin continued to steer me forward. We reached a line that reminded me of the dining hall in the compound, but here, the options for a meal were much better.
He pointed out what each was, and I picked something that looked familiar enough, so he heaped it on a plate for me.
Then we headed for one of the many tables in here.
"My kids are like my dogs," he said, picking up where he'd left off. "I love them, Ayla. I wanted them, so I did what I could to have them. The difference is that women up here aren't required to be beholden to the man who fathers her children."
"But if she's raising them, then why do you want them?" I asked. "I know it's not as dangerous, but it's still painful!"
"And beautiful, too," he said. "Ayla, children are small people. They aren't an extension of me, no more than Holly is an extension of you. She might be yours, but she's a living, thinking creature, right?"
"She is," I said, looking down at where she was lying beside me. "She has a personality - and I love her so much."
"That," he said, "is how I feel about my kids. I love them more than life itself. If I had to pick between me living or them? I'd pick them every time. I did, too. When the Moles came, I sent Shadow to guard them. Not me. Them."
"But your woman..." No, that didn't sound right. "The woman - "
"Layana," he supplied.
"But Layana," I said, latching on to her name this time, "is the one who cares for them. What do you get?"
"Oh, I care for them too," he said, shoveling a forkful of food into his face.
"We were together when she had them, just to make that clear.
When they were babies, I fed and changed them, since I can do that while working with the dogs.
She headed back to the fields as soon as she could. Her love is horses, you see."
"But I don't see," I admitted.
He murmured, then pointed at my plate. "Well, eat while I explain.
" Then he waited for me to take a bite. "Ayla, I loved Layana.
I tried to have a relationship with her, but she didn't see me that way.
She wanted something more casual. She said I was fun.
When we had the kids, I took half the work.
I did half the raising. Every chance I can get, I spend time with them at either my home or hers. "
"I don't understand what you mean by casual," I admitted.
"Not a family," he said.
"Dating?" I asked.
He made a noise. "Almost dating. Friends who had sex. I thought our friendship was more than she did, and so here we are. She's moved on to other lovers, and we raise the kids together. My relationship with their mother isn't their fault, so we make sure they don't suffer for it."
"Oh." I nodded. "But men actually want children?"
"Some," he said. "Others don't. And some men want relationships with their woman..." He pointed at the torc around my neck. "Others want sex and nothing more. It's no different than how some women want children, Ayla, but you don't."
"Oh." Because my sister did. She loved her children, so that made sense to me.
I just hadn't expected a man to think like that. In my mind, it was different for a woman. She carried the child, getting to know it while it was still forming. Then she raised it, and that time formed a relationship, so all of it made sense to me, but up here things were so different.
"Why did you want a relationship?" I asked. "That might be a rude question. I'm sorry if it is."
He smiled at me and shook his head. "Nope.
Naomi told Irrik and me just how different things are for you, and I'm not easily offended.
But I want a relationship because it's nice to be loved.
I want someone willing to go through life with me.
I like the idea of a family. Of waking up to care for the kids, spending my day building a life for something bigger than myself, and ending the day with a woman who cares if I had a good day or a bad one.
I like the idea of not being alone, Ayla.
I keep hoping to find someone who can love me the way I love my kids and my dogs.
So far? I haven't been that lucky." He dipped his head at my torc. "Why did you want that relationship?"
"Because I found people who feel right to have around," I said.
"They make me smile, and thinking about them not being around makes my guts tie in knots.
I don't want to need them, because I used to think that would make it easy for them to hurt me, but I do.
I need all three of them in different ways, and I trust them enough to try. "
"But they could hurt you," he said. "It's called heartbreak, Ayla, and if one of them dies, it will hurt even more if you let yourself care, but you know what?
" He reached over and rubbed my arm just above the wrist. "It hurts so much more to not have it.
Things in life hurt. That's just the way it is, but having someone there to listen, or hold you, or help you fight back? That makes it a lot easier to handle."
"I think that's why I'm here," I admitted.
"I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to lose this.
" And I gestured around us. "I feel like the Moles are the bad thing, trying to destroy everyone else's happiness, even their own, and I don't want everything up here to turn bad.
I just found it, and all of you showed it to me.
I can't imagine living without something to look forward to.
" And my hand lifted to trace the three circles where the men had left their signs.
"That," Lansin said, "is all love is. Doesn't matter if that's from a dog, a child, or a partner."
"Or a community," I added. "Because I think I love the people up here too."
"Yeah," he breathed. "Me too."