Chapter 51
Fifty-One
Zasen
Ayla's new dog was an interesting one. Where Holly was friendly to most people, Pepper preferred to simply watch. Her nearly copper-brown eyes could stare straight through a person, making me feel like she was judging my soul.
She also wasn't as well trained, but she was learning fast under Ayla's care.
For the last few days, Ayla had spent a couple of hours every morning teaching the other dog handlers how to train their dogs to disarm Moles.
In the evenings, we headed out, hunting for the massive amount of meat we'd need to keep the Moles from attacking again, and it was slowly adding up.
But tonight, she planned to take both dogs with us.
Pepper, it seemed, learned best by seeing Holly do it first. Personally, I had a bad feeling about how this would go.
There was no way we'd kill anything worth adding to the pile if one of her dogs acted up, but the smile on Ayla's face made it worth it to still try.
Every time she looked at those animals, Ayla changed.
I couldn't even explain to someone how she changed, but I saw it.
There was a softness that took over. Sure, she was usually a soft woman.
It had been trained into her since birth.
She was also hardened in a way most of us couldn't wrap our minds around, but those dogs made that part go away.
She loved them.
That was the only way I could think to explain it.
And while she'd used that word for Holly before, Pepper was new.
She was also a dog, so not as much of a risk to love that much.
Combined with the way the two animals looked at Ayla?
Yeah, the feeling clearly went both ways, and it made me so happy for this woman.
"Heel," Ayla snapped, pointing at the ground on both sides.
Holly took the place on her right. Pepper?
She was mostly at Ayla's left, but lagging a bit behind.
It still earned her some praise. And that was another thing that impressed me.
Ayla would reach out with her right hand to rub Holly's head while talking to Pepper, giving the needier dog more personal attention without ignoring Holly at all.
"You're good with them," I said, pointing in the direction I wanted to go tonight.
Away from the Moles. We were headed mostly east, but slightly south.
That took us across the now-fallow fields, which meant Pepper had a lot of opportunities to be distracted before we got under the trees.
If she asked, that would be my excuse for picking this direction, but the truth was I simply didn't want to run into hunters on our own. This way, we wouldn't.
"I'm patient with them," Ayla corrected.
"Which makes you good," I told her. "Take the compliment, woman."
That earned me one of those unconditional smiles. In my chest, I felt my heart slam hard for a single beat. The woman beside me was everything I had a weakness for. She hadn't been when we'd found her. Back then, she'd been frail, thin, and helpless.
Now, she was my equal in all ways. Over the summer, Ayla had grown strong.
Her body was thick enough to be alluring.
Her skin had a perfect golden glow to it.
Her hair was long, silky, and in a braid more often than a bun on the back of her head.
The best part, however, were her eyes - and how easily they not only held my gaze, but often challenged it.
"Zasen?" she asked. "Are you okay? You're quiet tonight."
"Just impressed with you and those dogs," I assured her. Then I thought better of it. "And stunned by how far you've come."
"Because you let me," she pointed out.
I shook my head, moving before her as we reached the tree line. "No, it's more than that. Ayla, you've grown into this strong, proud woman - and I like it." I paused, then turned to face her. "You were born beautiful, but you've become awe-inspiring."
"I..." She glanced down, petting Holly as an excuse for it. "Zasen, I don't know what that means."
"Is this when I flirt brazenly to give you a hint?" I teased before moving again.
So she grabbed my tail, letting me tow her along. "Because I'm good with dogs?" she asked. "You're not making any sense!"
"I actually am," I admitted, taking a game trail to the side. "See, I happen to think it's sexy when a woman knows what she likes."
"Like Lessa?"
I murmured. "That is one of her good qualities, yes."
"So that's why you had sex with her? Because she is confident?"
And I stopped hard. "No."
Ayla huffed. "Zasen, if you keep stopping, we won't do any hunting."
"No," I said, turning to face her, "I think this is something I need to clear up.
Ayla, I had sex with women because I wanted to - and because they agreed.
Lessa was a friend. She was safe because of that.
She's also very beautiful, and her confidence is attractive to me.
So is her determination. I even like how she's abrasive at times.
It makes her fun. All of that goes into wanting to have sex with someone, okay? "
"I don't really understand how Dragons judge someone's beauty, or attractiveness," she admitted. "I mean, Rymar dated that man with bright colors, but he was not very nice. Kanik doesn't seem to date anyone - well, didn't."
"He did," I assured her. "Fewer than myself and Rymar." Then I grunted. "No, that's not true. Kanik dated more than us, but had sex less. Rymar tried to find someone he could care about, and kept learning they weren't what he thought."
"And you?" she asked, those eyes of hers looking up through her lashes in a way that made my lips curl.
"Um..." Yeah, now I was on the spot. "If I say something, can we talk about it before you panic?"
She nodded, agreeing quickly.
"I like the act of sex, but I didn't always want a relationship with the people I had sex with."
"Why?" she asked.
But there was no fear in those eyes. Curiosity, sure. She also lifted her chin just enough to make me think she was daring me to actually answer.
Crossing my arms, I decided to see how far this would go. "I happen to enjoy making women feel good. I am turned on - sexually aroused - by the way she moves, moans, and breathes when I do that to her body. I like orgasms too."
"To spill the seed?" she asked.
Humming, I made a face. "Yes, but no. Ayla, an orgasm is a rush of pleasure. Yes, men ejaculate when it happens, but there are exceptions. The goal is the feeling, not the seed." Then I shifted closer. "And women do it too."
"But not the same," she said.
"Nope," I agreed, then turned and began walking again. "Holly, come!"
Behind me, Ayla groaned. "Pepper, heel." But I heard her following. Then, "So how does a woman orgasm?"
This time, I didn't slow down. "Her genitals are stimulated until she experiences a rush of pleasure. There's also excess lubrication that happens down there. The goal, however, is the rush of pleasure."
"Rymar said something about... You know... to myself."
Fuck. Now my dick was getting hard, and I was damned glad I had on pants tonight. Hoping she wasn't watching, I had to make a slight adjustment.
"Most people do that," I assured her.
"Lessa told Meri it's better with help."
Yep, I had to stop again. "When did that happen?"
She shrugged. "I don't know, but Meri said they'd talked before she had the baby. And I told her what Lessa told me, and.." She shrugged. "She also said it didn't always hurt."
"Meri said that, or Lessa?"
"Meri," Ayla confirmed.
I nodded. "Okay. Well, so you know, it should never hurt. If it ever does, tell Holly to bite them. Shit, tell Pepper!" The black and tan dog perked up at the sound of her name. "Pepper's a good girl," I told her.
So Ayla reached over to pet her. "So why didn't you want a relationship with the women you had sex with?" she asked.
Yeah, this was going to be a long-talk sort of night. Giving in, I pulled my bow over my shoulder and dropped it on the ground by a tree, then gestured for Ayla to do the same. My pouch went beside it, and I moved closer, checking around us to make sure we were truly alone.
"I take it you want to talk before hunting?"
She nodded, stripping off her own gear.
"Then tell the girls to guard or stay."
Ayla glanced at her dogs. "Dogs, guard!" Then she looked at me again, clearly expecting an answer.
"Okay." If she was asking this - finally - I wasn't going to ignore it.
"Ayla, falling in love with someone isn't guaranteed.
Personally, I don't want to spend my life with someone I can't love.
Unfortunately, love is a thing that creeps up on you.
It's hard to know when it's real or wishful thinking, but it's easy to know when things are wrong. "
"Okay?"
"And when I was younger, I was attracted to women because they were beautiful. Oh, you women are amazingly beautiful things, and I liked it. I liked it even more that many of them felt I was beautiful enough to chase."
She giggled at that. "Did you run?"
"Nope." I shifted a little closer, thrilled when she didn't back away.
"I fell into their arms, or beds, or anything else.
I went as far as they wanted because it felt good.
The act feels good. Holding hands, kissing, and yes, sex all feel amazing.
It made me feel important, and handsome, and strong.
I liked that feeling, but eventually I realized the feeling wasn't enough.
That girl had nothing interesting to say.
Well, I'm sure she was interested, but I wasn't. Or maybe she was mean to someone else.
Sometimes to me. It could've been any of a million things, but when I realized I couldn't love her, I was done.
I didn't stick around to try to make it work, I just ended things. "
"That's a good way to do it," she told me.
Which made me do a double take. "It is?"
"If you didn't have to marry them, then why waste your time?" she asked. "Yes, I think that is how I would've been if I'd had the chance."
"You do have the chance," I said, tapping the band of gold around her neck. "That's what this is."
Her eyes lost focus and she fell silent for a little too long. Slowly, she reached up to trail the circle with my sign on it. Her fingers traced the edges of the wyvern, then moved to slide across Kanik's dragonfly and Rymar's rose.
"Zasen, do you love me?"
"I don't know," I breathed.
She nodded, accepting that much too easily.
"I could," I told her.
And her blue eyes snapped over to mine. "How do I know?"
"That's the thing, Ayla. I'm not sure how either, but I know I don't hate you. I have nothing telling me I couldn't love you. I..." My mind was fumbling for words but getting only feelings. So many feelings.
The happiness of seeing her play with those dogs.
The lust that came when I saw a little too much of her body.
The comfort of knowing she was there, and the inexplicable need to be near her.
Even the jealousy I felt when her smile landed on someone else was wrapped up in it, but she made even that seem like a sweet thing I didn't want to lose.
"You're not a dog, Ayla, but I can't imagine my home without you in it anymore. I hate the idea of these hunts without you silently following - or leading! When I think of my life now, it always has you in it, and I like that."
She shifted closer, reaching up to press her palm over my heart. "It's beating really fast again."
"Yeah," I breathed.
And she smiled. "Mine too. Zasen, I'm not scared anymore."
I cupped her face. "What if I am?"
The smallest little smile flickered over her lips. "See, that's why I trust you. You admit your fear. You make me feel like mine is safe."
"I thought you weren't scared," I pointed out.
She laughed once. "Not of this or of you. I am scared of you not coming back one day, Zasen. I'm terrified of not trying enough, or doing enough, or being brave enough when I should've and regretting it forever. I'm worried that sometimes being careful is going to be my biggest mistake."
"What are you saying, Ayla?"
She closed that last inch between our chests and tilted her face higher. "I can't stop wondering what comes after kissing," she breathed, "and no one ever told me how to ask."
"Oh, you're asking perfectly," I swore as I bent to claim her mouth with mine.
Her fingers fisted in my shirt. Her other arm went around my neck, but when I paused to steal a breath, she looked to her side.
"Dogs, stay!" she ordered.
"And that," I murmured, "is definitely one of those sexy things you do, Ayla." And I kissed her again.