Chapter 76
Seventy-Six
Meri
Leaving Drozel's room to get that workbook for Sylis? I may have swayed a bit. When I gave it to him, he tried to pretend nothing had happened. At least until the water started running in the other bathroom. Then, he admitted he'd heard some of that.
"Did he kiss you?" Sylis whispered.
I nodded.
"Is that okay?" he asked next.
Again, I nodded. "It's allowed up here. When you like someone, you're allowed to kiss them - or more."
I knew that wasn't really what he meant, but I didn't want to confuse him.
I was supposed to be the one explaining things to Sylis, not making a mess of it.
I certainly didn't want to explain "cheating.
" Mostly because I didn't truly understand it myself.
Right now, I was just going with what felt right - and that kiss?
It had. It had felt like dreams and fantasies.
It had been the sort of thing I'd started to believe men didn't really do.
Then Sylis asked the right question. "Did you like it?"
I giggled, nodding girlishly. I didn't tell him everything that had happened, but he knew.
Sylis also said he was happy for me, and that one line carried me through the rest of the day.
My friend was happy for me. Drozel wanted to kiss me.
Those were great things, but I finally understood why Lessa had asked me about Drozel the day she'd become my girlfriend.
Because I couldn't decide if she'd be happy too or angry because I'd kissed her boyfriend. Never mind Omden! Yet when Omden got home, Drozel called him into their room, and I could hear the deep rumble of their voices. Not the words, sadly. No, they spoke too softly for that.
So after dinner, I decided I needed to handle this. I wasn't fragile - that was what I'd told Drozel - so I could do this. And when I let Omden know I was headed next door, he said I had this. He wasn't mad, and I was sure he knew by now.
But there was a feeling in my chest. I knew what I'd done.
More importantly, I'd actually done it. I had made a decision on my own, acted on it, and it had worked out for me.
Well, I hoped it had. I couldn't be sure of that until I managed to tell Lessa, because Drozel said he wouldn't, and not telling her felt wrong.
Slipping around the house, I came in the back door of Lessa's place like I usually did. "Lessa?" I called.
"Meri!" she beamed from the main room. "I'm in here. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," I said, heading that way.
But when I reached the room, my feet stopped working.
I liked Lessa. I really did, and I didn't want to mess things up.
I wanted her to like me back, but I kept thinking about all the things girls had said when we were younger.
How it was wrong to steal someone's man, and a good woman would never do that.
I had.
So I clutched my hands together, wringing them desperately as I tried to figure out the words that came next. Lessa was sprawled on the couch, with a pad of paper in her hands and pencils on the table beside her. The longer I was silent, the slower her pencil moved, until it finally stopped.
"Meri?" she asked, looking up.
"I..." Somehow, I forced myself to take a step closer. "Earlier, I was talking to Sylis."
"Okay?"
"And we were talking about boys. I mean men! Omden and Drozel. And it was when you and Ommy were out, and I was trying to help him with Vestrian and everything here."
"I can only imagine it's a lot to take in," she said gently, setting the paper aside so she could sit up.
I nodded. "But then Drozel woke up. He was sleeping late, and I guess he heard some, but we were being naughty, you know? Talking about muscles and stuff."
"Uh-huh..." Her eyes narrowed but stayed on me.
"And I went to get something, and Drozel was in the hall, and I, um, I kinda... um..."
She didn't say a thing; she simply lifted a brow.
"I looked at him the way you do, and then he told me to stop, but I said I wasn't fragile, and then he kissed me, and so I kissed him, and it kinda just happened!"
"And you're okay?" she asked.
"Lessa!" I huffed. "I kissed your boyfriend!"
She glanced away with a little chuckle. Then, after a pause, she pressed the back of her hand to her lips to smother another. Finally, she turned glistening eyes on me and patted the cushion beside her.
"Meri, he's Omden's partner. Droz is only my boyfriend."
"But you're my girlfriend!" I insisted.
"I am," she agreed, waiting until I sat before lying down so her head was in my lap.
Of all the things she could've done to make me relax? That may have been the best. The smile on her face only helped, and when she reached up to tangle her fingers with mine, I realized this was okay.
"So, did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?" she asked.
I wrinkled up my nose and admitted, "I kinda taunted him into kissing me."
"Oh, do tell?"
"I gave him the kind of look you do!"
And she squealed in excitement. "Yeah? Did he completely cave? Just turn all gooey and crawl at your feet?"
"No! He... " I had to look away because I could feel my cheeks heating up again. "He kinda pushed me against the wall and kissed me really hard."
"Too hard?"
"Just right hard," I assured her - and then stopped.
"Do not panic now," Lessa teased. "Meri, it's okay!
Look, Omden and Drozel have a rather mismatched relationship.
Omden likes sex occasionally. Drozel likes it all the time.
I'm somewhere in the middle. So, between the two of us, we keep him pretty happy - and he does the same for us.
Even better, I get Ommy to go with it, and that man?
" She rolled toward me a little. "Omden is the nicest, sweetest, smartest man I know.
He will giggle with me about everything, and he's a really good friend. "
"Yeah? What about me?"
"You are my girlfriend," she reminded me. "And you are soft, gentle, and amazingly beautiful. You, unlike Omden, like clothing, so you understand my obsession with all this stuff. Combined, I think I'm a very lucky woman."
"So it's okay that we kissed?"
"That," she said, "depends on you. Meri, I know what Gideon did, and Drozel thinks he's going to scare you off. He's worried he's going to do something too close to what your abuse was like - "
"No!" I gasped, cutting her off. "He wouldn't!"
"He could by accident," she said.
Which made me shift, all but forcing her to sit up so we could talk about this face to face. Just to make the point, I shook my head.
"He. Could. Not." And I pulled in a breath. "Lessa, Gideon hurt me because he wanted to. It wasn't an accident. He hurt me, I told him he hurt me, and he said it was his right. Can you imagine Drozel doing that?"
"No..."
"And if he did," I continued, "what would Omden do?"
"Probably kick his ass."
"You?" I pressed.
"Cut off his fucking tail, and he'd be lucky if I didn't go for any other appendages too!"
So I thrust my arms at her. "See? Drozel would never do what Gideon did."
"But are you ready for a man?" she asked. "Meri, I'm not trying to stop you. I'm just trying to figure out what I need to know to help you, because I am completely okay with this idea."
"What do you mean, 'ready?'" I asked.
Bending her knee, she turned sideways so she was almost sitting on it, then she scooted as close to me as possible. "Sometimes, it's hard to want something that's been used to hurt us," she explained. "Sex, Meri. Shit, everything. You said he pushed you against the wall, right?"
I nodded quickly.
"Isn't that like the punishment men gave you down there?"
"But it's different," I said. "And..."
"What?" she begged.
Unfortunately, I didn't have the words to explain this thing swirling around the back of my head. I could see why she'd think it was too close. Gideon had done horrible things to me. Other men had hurt us when we were just girls.
And yet, when those things had happened, I'd longed for the stories Ayla had told. I'd wished for someone to save me, or make it better. I'd imagined things playing out differently after it had all happened. Instead of hitting me, what if he'd kissed me, and things like that.
But it didn't make sense. I knew it didn't, yet I still felt that way. While I tried to figure it out, Lessa simply watched, nodding once or twice to make it clear she was okay with waiting. And that was part of why this felt better.
"Ayla used to crawl into a place and read books," I explained.
"That's important, Lessa. See, she read all these books called fantasies.
We thought they were lies, but they were such beautiful ones, and I'd think about them before falling asleep.
Women were strong, and men were kind. There were weddings, and plants, and all the things we didn't have. "
"I can see that," she assured me.
"When I got married, I would still think about those stories.
Part of it was wishing for my friends to reassure me, but some of it was just what was in them.
I liked the idea of a man who loved his wife more than all else.
I would rewrite things that had happened to end up like the stories, you know? "
"Replaying it to fix the mistakes," she said. "Yeah, mine were always some variation of 'I should've said this instead.'"
"Yes!" I breathed, because that was exactly what I meant.
"And sometimes, it would be Gideon testing me, or him hiding me, or something else that wasn't really believable.
But I always turned them into a good thing so I could lie to myself a little longer.
So I could try to pretend like my husband wasn't an evil monster. "
"Yeah," she breathed.
"And when I got up here?" I chuckled once. "One of the things I read to learn Vestrian? Brielle called them fairy tales. She had these stories about princes who fell madly in love with a woman and fought dragons or evil queens for her. Jeera called them 'Prince Charmings.'"
"Oh, I know all about Prince Charmings," Lessa promised.
"And I always wanted that," I said. "Lessa, I didn't think that was possible, but don't you see? It is! Drozel is a Prince Charming. You're like a Princess Charming! And it's like..."
She cupped the side of my face. "Are you saying you have a crush on my boyfriend?"
"I didn't mean to," I squeaked.
"Stop that," she laughed. "Meri, do you like Drozel?"
Sheepishly, I nodded. "He's the kind of man I like. He's big, strong, and makes me feel safe. He carried me back from the hospital! He's the kind of man that would fight a monster."
"Yeah, he is," she agreed.
"And you're the kind of woman who would," I said. "I didn't even know it was okay to like women, and I don't want to stop liking you. I didn't mean to kiss him today, and I didn't want to hide it, but I'm not really sorry about it."
Her thumb slid along my cheek. "I had a feeling you'd like him." And she stretched, getting even closer. "Meri, I like that you like him. I love the idea of us liking him together."
"Yeah?" I breathed, aware she was almost close enough to kiss.
"Mhm," she agreed. "But don't you dare stop liking me too."
"Never," I swore, closing the last inches between us.
And I kissed her. Not hard. Not wild. I kissed her sweetly, because Lessa made me want to savor the moment.
I kissed her slowly, aware my heart had stopped racing from fear and now was beating harder.
I kissed her honestly, since this woman had a way of rewriting all the things I thought I knew and somehow making them better.
One kiss turned to two, and I shifted onto my knees to guide her back. She held me, pulling me down on the couch with her until we were tangled up again, but our mouths didn't stop. This was my girlfriend. Mine. These feelings she gave me were real, and I hadn't messed it up.
And I didn't have to choose.