4. Dove
Dove
Fragments of memories push at me, shoving me up and around, but those pieces are scary, and I don’t want to remember them, so I squeeze my doll tight and close my eyes. I count to eight and then again, but it doesn’t work.
Scary thoughts keep twisting in my brain, whispers and the horrible places and things I’ve seen. I want it to go away. I clutch my hands to my head and whisper the words that Kest taught me.
“Pix is here. Rose is here. Sage is here. Blaze is here. Rolly is here. King is here.”
I repeat the words over and over until the panic goes away, and I don’t feel like there are spiders on my skin. I didn’t know what those words meant until a couple of days ago. Not really. But if Kest says they are safe, then I believe her.
When I open my eyes, Rolly is sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of me. He is fun. I like Rolly a lot. He’s got blond hair and pretty blue eyes like my doll, and he smiles. When he smiles, I forget to be afraid.
The room looks too small with him in it.
He looks silly on the pink carpet, with the dollhouse behind him and my tiny bed beside him.
It’s white with pink flowers, and it's so pretty. But he doesn’t care if he looks too big.
Rolly is my favourite, he doesn’t think I’m silly, and he always plays with me.
He says I’m the most special girl in the world.
He tilts his head to the side and looks at my dollhouse.
“It’s pretty, isn’t it?”
“It’s beautiful.”
“Rose made it for me. He cut it all up and painted it and put it together. He said it would mean more if he made it.”
“Was he right?” Rolly asks and reaches out, picking up one of the tiny chairs with his big fingers.
“Yes. Rose is a good alpha. Safe.”
Rolly turns back. “Is that what you think?”
I look down at my feet. “No, that’s what Pix says.”
“What do you think?”
“I think…I wish Rose was my dad,” I whisper. “My real dad. He doesn’t get mad at me and tell me I’m bad.”
Rolly bobs his head. “Rose would be a very good dad.”
“Do you think he’d want me?”
“I think Rose would be anything you needed, Dove. He will always protect you. I think if that’s a friend or a dad or a brother or an uncle, what I guess it all comes down to is that it’s all family.”
“Family?” I ask curiously.
“Yes, that’s what family does. They look after each other. They help each other.”
“Oh.” I consider it and put my doll on my bed.
“Are you scared?” Rolly asks.
I nod my head quickly.
“Why? We’re all here, no one can get through.”
“Father always knows where we are,” I whisper, scared he can hear me. “He can always find us, that’s what fathers do. I don’t want to go back with Father. He makes me sleep in the dark on the floor. There’s no bed, and sometimes he forgets to feed me.”
Rolly puts the chair back in the dollhouse.
“But he’s not your real dad, though, is he? He’s just a pretend father?”
“He saved me from a life of…” I stumble over the word, “tweedium.”
Rolly’s lips turn down, and I panic, thinking I’ve made him upset. I jump up from the bed, shaking. My knees feel weak, and I think I might vomit.
“It’s okay, though, because I’m big, and I can fight.” Tears fill my eyes, and I start to shake. “I promise I’m not whining. I’m good. No nagging. I like my new life.”
Rolly reaches out, his expression so soft. He takes my hands in his and holds them.
“Dove, he is a bad man. He didn’t save you. He stole you, and he hurt you, and that’s not what fathers or family do.”
“But-”
He gets up and pulls me into a tight hug that feels like safe.
“No buts. He’s bad, and it is not your fault. Nothing was your fault. We are not going to let him steal you again.”
He is quiet for a while, and I calm down.
“Now, Rose gave me the cream for your back. Are you okay if I have a look and put it on?”
“Okay,” I say really quietly.
He turns me around really gently and then pulls my shirt up at the back.
“Does it hurt?”
“No, I can’t feel it at all!” I say happily, playing with my dolls.
His fingers brush my side, and I giggle. “That tickles.”
“Sorry, but good to know you have a tickle spot; we can have a tickle war later!”
I laugh.
“Can you just play in here for a couple of minutes? I’m going to go cut up some fruit for us, and we can go play outside. Have you played Red Light, Green Light?”
“No?”
“Ah, well, let’s see if we can get the whole pack to play.”
I squeal, and he walks away, leaving me in the room. At the doorframe, he pauses.
“I am so glad Rose found you, Dove.”
I don’t know how long I play for, but there’s this strange tension in the air. I walk to the doorframe and sneak through, padding silently to the kitchen.
Rolly is crying. He vomits into the kitchen sink and rinses his mouth out.
“How can she not feel that? Where is the pain?”
Rose puts his head in his hands. “We think Kest took it. Raven mentioned once that Kestrel takes their pain.”
“What the fuck?” Rolly says and wipes his eyes. “What the fuck? Why would-” he cuts off sobbing, “why would anyone do that to her?”
He’s not mad at me, but he doesn’t understand.
“I was bad.”
The room stills, and they all turn to look at me.
“What?” Rolly asks softly.
“I was bad,” I explain and grab the hem of my T-shirt, twisting it. “I stole something.” Tears well in my eyes. “Except, I can’t remember what I stole. But bad girls get punished.”
Rose sweeps me into his arms, and I wrap my legs around him, burying my face in his neck, crying.
“You did nothing wrong,” he growls.
“I stole!” I wail.
“It’s not stealing if he’s a monster,” Blaze says matter-of-factly.
I lift my head. “It’s not?”
“Absolutely not. It’s rescue.”
“Oh.”
I haven’t heard that before, but it makes sense, kind of. Blaze looks like a prince. He wouldn’t lie to me.
“I made fruit,” King says. “Rolly, wipe your face, then wipe Dove’s face and let’s go sit in the sun and eat.”
“Then we can play?” I ask hopefully.
“Then we’ll all play,” Sage says, looking around and making sure no one argues.
Okay, as long as Rolly smiles at me again and stops being sad.
As soon as I’m free, I creep over and hug him.
He hugs me back, almost too tight.
“I’m sorry for making you sad.”
“You didn’t,” Rolly says. “You made me so, so happy.”
A car door bangs, and I flinch, jerking away and hiding under the table.
The alphas are displeased.
“Hey, Dove?” Blaze asks as he crouches down and looks at me. “Let’s play, then have ice cream for dinner. Come out here and join me.”
He holds out his hand. My body is shaking, and I’m scared, so scared, but Blaze looks like he’s not going to hurt me.
Kest said he was safe.
I take his big hand and let him pull me out of the dark.