Chapter 19
I woke up in a daze. Everything blurred, and it took three long blinks for my vision to focus.
I laid in the center of the nest I’d found on the first day. Pelts were added to the bottom, making it more comfortable than I could have imagined. The energy of the nest cocooned me in a way that was right and foreign at the same time.
The sensation seeded into the core of who I was, and I found myself wanting to run away from the pleasant feeling.
“I made it softer for your human flesh,” the monster snarled the words like an insult.
He sat beside me, dropping a dead mink.
I gracelessly clambered to my feet and walked to the edge of the nest. His arm came around my center, pulling me back to him. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“You wanted me out of your way, right? I’m leaving.”
He plopped me down on my ass, like I was a fussy toddler beside the mink. “You didn’t eat.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes so far back that they’d never go forward again. “You’ve got to be fucking me.”
He grabbed me by the back of my hair, forcing me to look up. “You have to eat. You will weaken both of us.”
Of course it was all about him. “Maybe I should starve on principle then.”
I would have spat on him if I thought it wouldn’t end up on my face.
“You can eat the easy way or the hard way, but you are eating.” He grabbed the mink and pressed it to my face, rubbing still wet blood on me.
“Sure, force feed me the raw meat. That will make us both feel better.” I shoved the thing away from my face.
He stared at it a long time before he dropped it with a grumble. “Stay put, Talia. If I have to catch you again, you’ll pay for it.”
“I always do.”
He left, and before I could even make a plan to escape, he rolled a giant boulder over the doorway, enveloping me in darkness.
Panic smothered the strange comfort the nest gave me.
It took every ounce of discipline to practice the smooth, deep breaths that a school counselor taught me in middle school. In through the nose and out through my mouth.
My eyes searched up, looking for the light of the stars and was met with more darkness.
“Look here, little bitch.” My foster father snatched my arm enough to leave bruises, but I couldn’t see his face, because the light above him blinded me. “You’re lucky she didn’t believe you. Don’t you ever try that shit again.”
He shook me hard enough to make my brain rattle against my skull.
“Maybe after this, when I tell you to do something, you’ll do it without complaints.” He tossed me into the closet of his man cave, and a chain jingled on the other side of the door, sliding into place in a way that made my heart sink.
The suffocating darkness made my heart bang painfully and my breathing hitch.
“If you want out, you know what you have to do.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “Let me out.”
Cold water dripped on my forehead, breaking me out of the long forgotten memory that needed to be pushed back deep down inside me. I refused to let the fears of a terrified twelve-year-old girl rattle me. I couldn’t even remember that man’s face. That was fourteen years ago.
Why were my memories so focused on that timeframe lately? I thought I’d buried that demon long ago.
Light filtered back into the cavern as the boulder moved, and he returned with a bunch of sticks and rocks. It had felt like forever, but he probably wasn’t gone more than a few minutes.
I casually wiped the tears off my face, so that I could pretend he didn’t know about my breakdown while he was gone. He moved some of the pelts and brush, creating a clear circle with rocks. He tossed sticks into the center and attempted to start a fire.
Attempting, because the way he was doing it would never work as he rubbed two random sticks that were water logged against each other. It didn’t help that water dripped from the tall ceiling right onto his sticks.
He grumbled with irritation, but I had to applaud how much energy he put into it. Until the two soft sticks broke. I giggled at the bewildered look on his face.
It was almost cute.
Even if he was being a giant dick.
At least until he went to all fours bellowing out a roar that made me want to pee my pants. The den echoed his rage, making me cover my ears. My hands shook as I watched him snap his teeth at the air over the pit, like a confused wild animal.
The light in his red eyes that always felt wrong dimmed, and it was like watching the humanity leech out of him. The human part was gone, and all that was left was the monster.
But as quickly as the change started, it left. He was off his arms, kneeling by the pit, with irritation lining his eyes as he studied the shreds of branches left.
“You could help me,” he snarled at me.
I blinked at the rapid switch between mindless monster to a sentient creature. Levicy’d done a real number on him. He wasn’t nearly as stable as I thought. Then again, who would be?
His teeth grinded together as he waited impatiently for my response.
“You’re the one who wants me to eat. Why should I help you force feed me something I didn’t ask for?” I was sick of doing that. Someone else made decisions for me and then I had to make it work.
“Stop comparing me to those humans who harmed you. I’m not them.” His growl grew louder.
“That’s a wild statement from someone who compares me to Levicy Rinah.”
“I’m not even a man.” His eyes narrowed at me. The parallel annoyed him more than he would probably ever admit.
I snorted. Other than a few moments ago, he was more man than monster. If he was a simple beast, me and him would get along fine.
“Will you please start this fire so I can cook your food?” A threatening growl left him, and he snapped his teeth at me.
I leaned forward to make sure he could hear me. “No.”
“You’re my mate. I have to take care of you!” He tossed the destroyed sticks out of the nest, and they hit the water with a loud plop.
It was the first time he admitted it, and I’d hoped that nagging in the back of my mind was wrong. The admission was nothing more than the cherry on top, yet everything grew still as if the words cracked a hole in the center of the world.
“I don’t want to be your mate.”
“I don’t want you as a mate either,” he told me. “But you messed up and now we are tethered to each other for eternity.”
“I refuse.”
“You don’t get to refuse.” He chuckled darkly, as if he’d been trying to refuse the entire time. Underneath his irritation, need bubbled at the center. The need for me to be okay. A little voice in his head said that he was desperate to appease. “At this point we learn to tolerate.”
His insistence that I eat wasn’t about me. This was selfishly motivated to make him more comfortable.
As if I gave a fuck about his comfort.
He stood up, grabbed me by my hair, and dragged me over to his makeshift firepit. I yelped when some of the hair ripped from my scalp, and his hold softened enough to save the rest. “Start the fire!”
I spat on his foot. He snarled, but before he could take action my insane laughter stopped him in his tracks. “But you aren’t like them at all, right?”
They all say that. It was almost never true.
I could swear a dark blush went over his green cheeks and he put space between us. “What about you, Rinah witch? Your family sent you to kill me.”
I threw my head back and laughed even harder. “I don’t have any family.”
“You are a direct descendant of the Rinah family.”
“My mom died when I was five.” I finally stopped laughing. “I came here to do research to have this place declared a wildlife sanctuary. But how rich to think everything is about you.”
We both stared at each other with the mistrust embedded inside us by others.
I reached in my bag to grab a lighter and a bundle of tinder. I tossed it into his makeshift pit and the dry pieces of wood ignited. “That’s not for you. I’m cold.”
I went back to where I’d been resting before he pulled me over and sat propped up against the spikey bone wall for support, letting the jabs against my back remind me that I didn’t want to be here. Just in case he made me forget.
He growled, but after a long moment sloppily skinned the mink with his claws. Blood poured onto the ground as he did so and he twisted the head with his bare hands. The sickening crack made me nauseous.
It’s not that different from using a knife, I reminded myself. It was probably more of the imagery that he could rip my skull as easily, if he wanted.
He was quiet as he cleaned out the organs and set up a makeshift spit. No growling or grumbling. I couldn’t even feel any strong emotions coming from him.
Now that he wasn’t speaking, the feeling of warmth cocooning me took over again. It reminded me of a vague memory of a hug from my mother. Yet it was still so foreign I couldn’t relax into it.
What was this feeling?
The name of it.
“Home,” he said suddenly, bringing me the cooked meat on a large leaf plate. I refused to grab it from his hand.
He sighed, sitting beside me, and a trickle of his disappointment colored my emotions. Probably because I refused to be obedient.
Anger filled me, and I slapped his hand, hoping all his hard work went flying, but he was prepared for my response. He lifted his hand, and I braced myself for the retaliation. Instead, he tweezed a piece of meat between his claws and put it in front of my face.
It might have been childish, but I turned my face away. He sat the plate down beside him, grabbing my chin to face me toward him. When he stuffed the food in my mouth, I chomped down on his fingers as hard as I could.
He growled, and this time when he grabbed my chin I could feel the bruises he’d leave behind on me. For a long moment we stared at each other, waiting for the other one to concede.
His growl morphed into a purr, and my cheeks warmed up. I held my face, but on the inside I wanted to melt into him.
He caught the whiff of victory, and his smugness radiated between us like its own entity. His purr grew louder and louder, until I could swear it was vibrating up my spine. My thighs shook and I used every muscle to keep myself upright.
I whimpered as my back started slowly collapsing downwards. Every second that passed made it harder to stay in position.
She’s strong, his thoughts echoed in my mind.
He… thought I was strong.
The fragile hold I had on myself shattered, and I flopped into his lap. My breathing heaved from the expanded effort it has taken to stay to stay upright. “You cheating bastard.”
A smug sound, that made me want to slap him, left his throat. He stared down at me with mild annoyance and something akin to confusion.
His hand hovered over me, clenching into a fist. I narrowed my eyes on him, refusing to shrink further. He better knock me into next week or I’d make it my life’s goal to annoy him.
His claws came down heavily on my scalp, but it didn’t hurt like I expected it too. It was more awkward, like he didn’t know what he was doing. My hair got wrapped in his fingers and tugged when he moved.
Was he trying to play with my hair?
He growled in response to my thoughts, yanking his claws from my hair and taking some with him in the process.
“Ow!” I complained loudly. “Easy.”
He crossed his arms, staring across the den like a petulant child that didn’t want to put his jacket on. I waited a few moments for him to say or do something, but all I got was the waves of anger and desire.
Rolling my eyes, I moved to sit up, and one heavy hand pushed me back down.
“What do you want?” I sighed.
He didn’t answer. Instead his anger rolled over me again. It reminded me of Shannon trying her damndest not to want the donuts the other morning and getting pissed because she did.
His claws sank back into my hair. This time he gently scratched his nails against my scalp. The sensation sent a wave of goosebumps down my spine, legs, all the way to my toes. The tension bled out of me, making me melt into his lap.
The sedating effect made it hard to even wiggle my toes. Loss of control with no fear. Even my mild irritation quickly faded into something that wasn’t even worth fighting for.
Triumph filled his red eyes, and he started purring again. This sounded deeper. Like all the other times he’d made the sound to accomplish a reaction, but this time he felt it inside him.
Once again, he tried to feed me. Spearing a piece of meat with his claws, and I found myself weary he’d impale my palette by accident. Not even because he meant to.
He moved with gentle intention, that made me hesitantly allow him to stick the meat in my mouth. He even went so far as to guide my jaw to help me chew it.
A shaky breath blew out of him and his eyes grew wide. As if something inside him settled. The hand in my hair moved lazily with slow strokes that made me accept bite after bite, even though the meat was bland.
My cheeks warmed as I realized exactly how intimate this was. I didn’t think I’d ever willingly let someone close enough to feed me. Discomfort finally won some emotional ground, and I found the ability to twitch my finger.
His now free hand touched my fingers with curious touches. As if he’d never touched a woman without the filter of violence on it. One finger wrapped over mine, partially holding my hand.
His eyes stayed locked on our hands, with a soft vulnerability I didn’t recognize, and his purrs grew deeper again. I didn’t even think he realized it.
I wasn’t sure what compelled me, but I adjusted our fingers so that they were intertwined.
Why does she have to be so perfect? A wistful edge colored his thoughts and made my heart speed up. Why can’t I just hate her?
He didn’t mean that. He was lulled by this strange instinct the same as I was. The thought made the urge to run hit me again. I couldn’t let myself think this was real.
Stay. His thought pleaded, and his purr did that thing again where all the will was sucked out of me. A string of loneliness he didn’t vocalize, even in his mind, weaved into me.
He didn’t even have a word for it.
But I recognized it painfully easy, I’d experienced it my entire life. Even in a room full of people.
Maybe we understood each other more than we thought.
We were simply too bullheaded and scared to admit it.
Okay.