Chapter 21
For a long time, anytime I tried to move, he dug his claws into me, pulled me impossibly closer, and snarled. I’d gotten a few accidental deep gouges in the process.
Once I surrendered and relaxed into the pelt, intent on enjoying my sex high, he relaxed too. Only pulling my hips back when he suddenly decided I wasn’t close enough.
I’d never been in this position before. Someone was supposed to leave. What did a person do when both parties stayed? This was a new situation that I wasn’t sure how to navigate.
He wasn’t even mentally present to have a conversation with on the matter. But I was sure that was his general policy too, based on our last romp. If I had to assume, the beast and he had two different agendas.
I felt impossibly full and satiated in a way I couldn’t wrap my head around. Was this what it felt like to want for nothing?
Cum started seeping down my thighs, and my face grew unbearably hot. That was monster spunk dripping down my thigh. What kind of freak was I?
Men? Pass. Monster? Yes, please.
The amount of therapy I needed would fund someone’s early retirement.
The growling cut off suddenly as awareness and confusion filled my thoughts. His hands went from desperately restraining to cautious touches where his nails pierced me.
A single grunt of disapproval made unease run under my skin like a current, making my muscles twitch.
Did he want me to go now? Or at least want me to move off his lap?
He wasn’t exactly shy about shoving me away when he didn’t want me, but I couldn’t help but think I was the source of his agitation.
Of course you are. He doesn‘t want you.
“What’s your name? You know mine, but I don’t know yours.” The second round probably wasn’t the time to be learning someone’s name, but I had no idea where to go from this point. I didn’t want to make the wrong move and bring his wrath on myself.
“You know my name,” he answered gruffly. “Defect #3 or Rot.”
At least he was his normal, gruff self. That gave me a little more gall, and I cleared my throat.
“I don’t want to call you that.” Those names were cold and cruel, respectively. “What did your mother call you?”
Someone who loved him. Not the evil witch that Levicy Rinah was.
“I don’t have another name.” He shoved me off him to pace the nest like a caged animal.
Fool. I should’ve trusted my first instinct.
I landed on my hands and knees, and the sinking realization of exactly how exposed I was hit me like a bowling ball when a chilly breeze ran over me. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
His critical gaze made me want to shrink out of his sight. It made me want the pussy hungry beast back. At least he didn’t look at me like I disgusted him.
He snarled, snapping his teeth at me. Air blew through his nose, and a growl rumbled in his chest.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing to trigger him, but every instinct in my body screamed: Run!
The cold splash of fear sent my heart into triple time and ice through my veins.
“You can’t run! You can never leave.” He leaned over me, and his shadow swallowed the bit of light coming from the exit tunnel.
I sat on my heels and tried to cover my nakedness with my hands, but I knew it was useless. He’d already seen so much of me. He’d seen deeper into my mind that anyone else.
There wasn’t any part of me safe from him.
He grabbed my hair, pulling up just enough to warn me.
“Okay! I understand.” I hated how my voice quivered with fear.
His grip tightened, and pain shot through my scalp. The contempt in his eyes made nausea roll in my stomach.
He growled, and I closed my eyes, waiting for the punishment that would surely follow. His angry breathing was the only sound other than the soft drip of water. At first, the anticipation had my stomach in knots, but the longer I waited for him to do something, that sensation eased off.
His anger washed over me like a typhoon, but he remained still. One eye opened to see what he was doing.
He shook with the rage I felt radiating inside me, but his eyes studied me with more restraint than a purely human man ever gave me.
He released me, and the tension off my scalp was an immediate relief. Rot let out a roar, full of a threat that made me cower down in a way that made me hate myself.
His lip lifted as if he were going to say something, only for his teeth to snap shut with a shattering clank. He stormed out of the den without a word or putting the boulder in place.
My heart dropped as he once again walked away from me. As weird as it had been, I’d let myself believe, no matter how briefly, he would stay. Rejection was a burning sting that throbbed in my chest.
How could I have been so stupid?
I let a monster get close, of course he bit me.
The marks he’d left on my thigh were a permanent reminder that I was a stray who could only hope for moments of comfort. That the promise of forever was a lie.
It made my mouth taste like vinegar.
The longer I stared at his initials, the more disgusted I became. People thought they could just leave marks on me and never pay the price for it.
I crawled over to my bag when my legs failed and pulled a spare knife out of the side pocket. It opened with a loud snick.
The blade hovered over the mark as I hesitated. Don’t do it, my mind whispered reasonably.
Why not?
I dug the knife into the possessive symbol that promised something he would never deliver on.
Every slice hurt.
But not the way I expected. It hurt deep in my chest, like I was betraying something essential to me. The only betrayal was that claim being etched into my skin in the first place.
The instinct made tears trek down my face and my hands shake, but I fought the urge to toss the knife away from me tooth and nail. If anyone was going to mark my mistakes into my skin, it would be me.
Hopefully, it would serve as a reminder of what happened when I let people get close to me.
The bright red blood against my pale skin was stark even in the dim lighting.
By the time I tossed the knife away, the mark didn’t have his initials anymore. Instead, it was a bunch of random cuts that didn’t mean a single fucking thing.
Except that you are self-destructive, I thought bitterly to myself.
A roar echoed in my mind, as if he actually gave a fuck. Maybe he did. He wanted to imprint his presence on my memory, but didn’t intend to stay present.
Another reminder to haunt me.
A glimmer of regret simmered inside me, but I wasn’t sure who that emotion belonged to. Maybe both of us.
Now that the deed was done, I let the sobs wreck through me. Salty tears dripped into the gnarly wound, agitating the throbbing nerves.
Same as all the raw and open wounds inside me.
Why didn’t anyone ever love me? Was I so hard to give a fuck about?
I flopped into the pelts, all the strength I had left seeped out of me. Even now, the pelts were safe and secure.
Why was I even asking those questions? They’d never given me any answers. All it did was breed more disappointment.
Warmth rolled over me like a comforting embrace, taking the edge off the pain. A sense that even when the world was crumbling around me, there was something that was mine.
My fingers dug into the pelt, desperately needing that understanding to seep into my bones.
That if my branches were hacked away, my roots would help me regrow into something stronger. A place that would heal me with all the essential nutrients a heart needed.
A home.
The realization hit me sideways. He’s said as much earlier, but I hadn’t quite registered what he meant.
This nest was the home I’d desperately craved. That was why it was so foreign.
I belonged.
I sat up so fast I fumbled to catch myself, before I fell back into the comfort of the nest. Panic slammed into me like a mac truck. The warmth still touched the parts of me that were in contact with the nest, and I jumped to my feet, stumbling in the process.
My breath came in short, ragged breaths that made me lightheaded.
I didn’t build this home. He did. He controlled everything here.
That meant he could rip it away from me.
He could use it against me.
He was in my head. He’d know exactly where to jab the knife.
No.
Was that my thought or his? Even my head was confused. Nothing was sacred anymore.
I had to get out of here.
I yanked on some of my spare clothes as fast as I could, not bothering to clean my wound. This place would kill me before an infection would.
Once I put some space between me and this place that wanted to hold me, I could think about that.
I’d been chasing a place like this. I’d travelled the world looking for it. But the cost of sinking into it was too high.
It was easy to dream when there was nothing to lose.
Now I had something concrete to take away.
It couldn’t be taken away if I rejected it.
Once my bag was secured on my back, I ran for the exit, climbing over the wall.
My pant leg snagged on the wall of bones, as if it were trying to drag me back in. I yanked my leg over, ignoring the way my wounds throbbed more. Once I was outside the nest, I ran.
I had to cut out the cancer before it could spread.