Chapter Four – Rose #2
And definitely not remembering the sight of his head between my legs.
No, siree.
Not me. Not my inner hussy.
Sigh .
“I didn’t think he was that bad.” Isa paused. “Surprisingly flirty with you, though.”
Jake choked on his beer. “What kind of weirdo would be flirty with my sister?”
I’d be offended if he didn’t make an excellent point.
It wasn’t like my love life was some kind of intense rave. If I was being honest, it was a stretch to refer to it as a ‘love life.’
It was more a casual, regretful sex life.
Especially right now. I was drowning in a big, huge, massive, ginormous bucket of regret.
It tasted just like my hangover would tomorrow morning.
“I’m telling you; he was definitely flirting.” Isa tapped her nails against the table. “Why else wouldn’t he be interested in me when I was right there?”
Shaun peered at her out of the corner of his eye. “Isadora, your narcissism is showing.”
She held up her middle finger without looking at him. “You know him, don’t you?”
I blinked. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“Rose.”
I turned away, staring at the wall.
“Rosie Posieeeee,” she sang, grinning at me. “All you’re doing is getting me interested.”
“Call me that again. Go on. I dare you.” I glared at her and gulped down a huge mouthful of wine. “If you value your life, you’ll never say such a thing again.”
“Ugh.”
Shaun sighed. “I know what’s going on here.” He turned to Jake and cocked his thumb over his shoulder. “You should leave if you don’t want to hear anything that’ll traumatise you for life.”
Jake looked between us before wrinkling his face up in disgust. “Thanks for the nightmare fuel. I’m off. I’m not interested in listening to her debauchery.”
My nostrils flared. “Debauchery? Why you little—”
Isa grabbed my arm and forced me to sit back down. “Your temper is out of control. It’s incredible you’re ever calm enough to engage in any debauchery at all.”
“I’ll give you debauchery, Isadora.”
“Please stop saying ‘debauchery,’” Shaun said. “It’s not the eighteen hundreds.”
“Has the meaning of the word changed since then?” Isa asked.
“No, but—”
“Oh, my God, be quiet.” I buried my face in my hands. “We’re just going around in circles with this conversation.”
Isa sniffed. “Every conversation we have goes in circles. It’s why we’ve never had a constructive one in twenty years.”
That was sadly true.
Jake left us to it in the kitchen, and the moment he was out of earshot, I slumped forwards on the table with a groan.
I really didn’t want to say it out loud.
“Rose.” Isa steepled her fingers in front of her and stared at me intently a-la Mr Burns from The Simpsons . “How exactly do you know the new duke?”
I had to say it out loud.
I sighed. “He fucked my brains out two weeks ago.”
Shaun slammed his glass down on the table and choked. He covered his mouth with his hand as he sputtered into his palm, and Isa reached over to thump him on the back.
Was it really that shocking?
“Did you have to put it so bluntly?” Shaun asked after a moment.
“How else should I put it?” I replied. “That we engaged in coitus? Partook in premarital activities?”
He stared at me.
“Tossed the hotdog down the hallway,” Isa offered.
I snapped my fingers in her direction. “Did the bedtime slip’n’slide.”
“Planted the parsnip.”
“Fed the kitty.”
“Stuffed the taco.”
“Buried the bone.”
“Slammed the ham.”
I paused. “Why are all your sex euphemisms food-related?”
Isa shrugged. “I think you should be asking why yours aren’t .”
That was never a question I would ask myself. Ever. Literally ever.
‘Slammed the ham’ was a phrase I could have lived without ever hearing.
“Why am I here?” Shaun asked, looking between us. “I wish I could unhear the last sixty seconds of my life.”
“Well, you two wanted to know how I know the duke, so there you are.” I finished the rest of my wine and held out my hands, then reached for the vodka bottle. “Do you remember how I took that job at that big rich estate owned by that author two weeks ago?”
“Yeah, you stayed overnight nearby for a couple of days, didn’t you?”
I nodded. “I went out for dinner at the nearest pub and met him at the bar. We hit it off, and the rest was supposed to be history.”
“Do you not even get the names of the people you sleep with?” Shaun asked. “I’d have thought that was the bare minimum.”
“Meh.” I shrugged. “If I wanted his name, I wouldn’t have escaped out of his hotel room when he was taking a shower. Or I’d have left mine, at the very least.”
“If you’re not leaving your name, I’d hope you’re using protection.”
“That’s why I keep a condom or three in my purse.”
“How very responsible of you,” Isa said with a snort. “At least you’re being safe. A slut, but a safe slut.”
“I’m not sure you’re in a position to judge my sexual activities,” I said dryly.
“You’re really not, Isa.” Shaun poured himself a drink. “What are you going to do now, Ro? You slept with your newly proclaimed mortal enemy.”
“Of course, she’s going to do what every good woman should do in this situation,” Isa said, raising her glass. “She’s going to have to fuck the frustration out of her.”
“Some of us have other hobbies,” I said dryly.
“I have zero intention of repeating that night with that man. In fact, I’m now going to make sure to grill my future one-night stands to find out exactly who they are so I don’t accidentally end up shagging some foreign prince who’ll pay me three million pounds if I just give him my bank details. ”
“Like a foreign prince would be interested in you.”
“The Duke of Hanbury was,” Shaun pointed out. “A foreign prince might not be such a stretch.”
I glared at him. “I think I’ll pretend it never happened.”
“Mm, that’s great, but I doubt he feels the same.” Isa propped her chin up on her hands. “His eyes kind of lit up when he saw you, and he was definitely flirting. I’m almost entirely sure he wants to shuck your oyster again.”
Shaun pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please stop with the food puns.”
“Yeah, the oyster one was a little insane, even for you,” I said. “I don’t think he was flirting. He seemed more amused than anything, but I don’t really care how he feels. I despise him with the heat of a thousand suns.”
Isa blinked. “Wow. Was he that bad in bed?”
“No. As it happens, he was fantastic in bed, which is even more irritating. I’d rather he’d been a lazy, selfish lover,” I said honestly. “The problem is one: who he is, and two: what the stuck-up, greedy, smug, upper-class crumpet is doing.”
Shaun sipped his drink and peered at Isa. “Did she really let him leave unscathed?”
Isa nodded, meeting his gaze. “You should probably prepare her usual cell, though. She locked herself in her shed after he left and was muttering to herself while stroking her favourite spade, so God knows what she’s cooking up in that brain of hers.”
“Chaos.” I laced my fingers together on the table in front of me. “If Oliver de Havilland thinks we’re going to take the allotment closure lying down, then he can think again. I refuse to give up without a fight whether his closure notice complies with the contract or not.”
“What if you can’t change his mind?”
“I’m going to make his life a living hell either way.” I looked at them both seriously. “To the point he’ll regret ever setting foot in Hanbury.”
Shaun sighed, sitting back in his chair. “You’re right, Isa. I should get her usual cell ready. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.”
I sniffed. “Then add extra cushions. Those prison beds are uncomfortable.”