Chapter Eight – Rose
ROSE
My Therapist Has Feathers
“ C an you believe him? Feelings don’t factor into his decisions? What a cold-hearted bastard, don’t you think, Pancake?” I tossed a handful of assorted birdseed on the ground in front of me. “Where will you and the kids live? It’s like he doesn’t care that you’ll be homeless.”
“Cluck, cluck, cluck-a-bock-bock-bock,” said Pancake to her children, ignoring me completely as Bap, Roll, and Barmcake rushed over to her and started pecking at the ground at her instruction.
“I wish you loved me as much as you love your children,” I grumbled. “It’s not like I’m the one who feeds you or anything. Why are you over there bock-bocking at your kids like you’ve uncovered an ancient treasure when I’m the one who tossed the seeds to you?”
Waffles the rooster clucked in my lap, and I sighed, stroking his back.
At least I had Waffles on my side.
As far as things went, a rooster was a solid ally. They were surprisingly savage when they went into protection mode. I actually had a little scar or two from when he was a spirited young lad and I had to whip his mardy arse into shape.
That was a nice way of saying he was a violent little shit when he wanted to be.
Dogs were great and all, but have you ever seen an angry rooster?
“At least you love me, Waffles,” I said, still smoothing his silky feathers.
“And as much as it pains me, I have to admit that it’s not as though I don’t understand that ratbastard’s position.
He is running a business, and he hasn’t been here for years, so why would he care about the value of this place to the community?
I probably wouldn’t if I were him, but I’d at least try.
He doesn’t even care to. If he can’t even send a closure notice based on the correct contract, is he really going to try to find a new site for this place?
Of course not. He’s going to use the ambiguity of the contract to get out of it.
And what about Hades? That cat isn’t suited for indoor life.
I can barely get the feral little shit to the vet, and half the time, the vet comes to him, and he knows her. ”
Waffles didn’t respond.
He was a terrible therapist.
Which was understandable, given that he was a rooster.
“But I can’t just take this lying down, you know? And actually, Dr Waffles, I’m furious. How dare he investigate me? How dare his snitchy little lackey go around my hometown and ask my people things to get information on me? That’s just playing dirty.”
“Bock-bock-bock,” Pancake clucked.
“You’re right, Nurse Pancake,” I replied, nodding my head. “I won’t accept this. It’s an invasion of my privacy. In fact, it’s practically a declaration of war. Countries have destroyed each other over less.”
Probably not, but I was on a roll. Not to mention I was paying for this weirdo therapy session in bird seed and feed, so I was going to be as dramatic as I pleased.
“Honestly, who cares if he’s handsome? Or rich? Or a duke? Does that give him the right to investigate my personal life? If he wanted to know about me, he should have asked for my name before he bent me over the side of the bed and pulled my hair, don’t you think?”
“Who bent you over the side of the bed and pulled your hair?” George asked from right behind me.
“Jesus Christ Almighty, George!” I jumped, accidentally shoving Waffles off my lap as I lost my balance and fell onto my side. “Announce yourself, old man!”
George chuckled, leaning on the fence. “I couldn’t interrupt your therapy session with the chickens, Rose. It was getting intense.”
My cheeks flushed, and I turned away from him, covering my mouth with my arm. “If you repeat a word of what you heard here today, I’ll throw a cauliflower at you.”
He saluted me. “Your secrets are all safe with me, young lady.”
That didn’t reassure me at all.
“How did the meeting with the duke go?”
I gave him a brief summary, leaving out the personal back-and-forth we’d engaged in.
I didn’t need George of all people knowing about it, no matter how safe he insisted my secrets were.
“Well, at least you didn’t hit him,” George mused, tapping his calloused fingers against the fence. “But we still don’t know how much the land would be worth.”
“I think Colin is working on it. He says he’s retired, but we all know he owns Smith’s Estate Agents, so he can easily bring one of his employees here by stealth to value the land for us. I’m just not sure what good it does us to know. None of us have the money to purchase the land.”
“We could fundraise. We made a considerable amount of money with the calendars last year.”
“Yes, but that was enough to send the Youth Farmers off to North Wales for a week with an organisation. Not enough to buy a few acres of land, George.”
“Could we monetise your social media account? Don’t you have a lot of followers on the allotment page? You’re an influenza, aren’t you?”
I most certainly was not. “I think you mean influencer.”
“What?”
“Never mind.” Choose your battles, Rose. “Utilising the page isn’t such a bad idea, you know. We discussed traditional media with Leah’s friend, but social media is the real powerhouse these days.”
George nodded. “Your chicken adventures and vegetable posts are funny. My great-niece shows me them. You’ve got quite the cult following in the secondary school, you know.”
That was a sentence I’d prefer he never repeated.
“We wouldn’t have raised anywhere near as much with the calendars if you didn’t have that page.”
“But will ‘funny’ help? Is that enough?” I tilted my head to the side. “Not to mention that all started by accident when I was drunk one night.”
“That’s how most exciting things happen in this town.”
“Yes, well, I’ve given up drinking.” Lest I accidentally sleep with a duke and ruin my life again.
“We’ll see how long that lasts.” He snorted. “Funny always helps, Rose, dear. People like to laugh.”
That was true. And that was why the allotment’s Instagram was so popular, but what good would funny actually do when this situation was so serious?
“I think we need to call a meeting with every plot holder and tell them what’s going on. Can you ask Paula to call everyone and have them come to our meeting in the hall this Thursday evening? We’ll likely have the genuine closure notice by then, so we won’t be able to keep it quiet any longer.”
“Not to mention there are already rumours going around that he’s selling some fringe land. Evan asked me yesterday if that includes the allotments.”
“Ugh, okay. We really have no choice. We’re going to have to present some kind of plan, aren’t we? Otherwise, people are going to think we don’t have any clue what to do, and—”
“I don’t think so. Don’t underestimate everyone, Rose.
” He reached over the fence and patted my shoulder gently.
“You don’t have to do this all alone, you know?
We’re a community, and we’re all going to be fighting with you.
Just be the Rose that we all know, love, and trust, and everything will be fine. ”
“But what if it’s not?”
“Then we’ll let off party poppers and silly string all over the trees at the Hanbury Estate every day for six months.”
I smiled. “You should start saving up, then. That’s going to cost a small fortune.”
He clicked his tongue and winked. “That’s why I keep cash hidden in my house, my dear. For emergencies.”
Isa yawned, swinging the chair on its back two legs like a moody teenager stuck in an insufferable maths class.
“You’ll fall if you sit like that,” I said, glancing over the top of my laptop.
“Ugh, you sound like Mrs Barry,” she grumbled.
“Who was that again?”
The chair slipped, and she grabbed the table to stop herself falling. “Our year eight maths teacher.”
Well, I was right, as per usual. “How do you even remember that?”
“I have an excellent memory,” she replied. “What are you tapping away so diligently at over there?”
“Hmm? Oh, making notes for the big meeting tomorrow night. I want to make sure I don’t miss anything when I’m speaking in front of everyone, so I’m going to print this out and take it with me.”
She slid her gaze to the envelope to my left. “Is that… it ?”
I screwed my face up in disgust as I followed her gaze. “Mm. It was delivered to me at seven-thirty this morning by one of His No-Grace’s lackeys. I guess he decided he’d already bestowed upon me the horror of his presence enough times.”
“You know, you’re giving me enemies-to-lovers vibes.”
It was more like lovers-to-enemies, but whatever. “Get off Wattpad, Isadora.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Wattpad.”
“It’s rotting your brain. You’re seeing romantic plots where they don’t exist. Don’t you also think your two neighbours are engaging in an affair?”
She planted her hands on the table and stood up. “Oh, Jason and Marissa are absolutely fucking each other. Kate doesn’t know, but there’s no reason for Marissa to slip out to the alley and through their back gate three times a week.”
“Maybe it’s an open relationship and Kate does know. They’re not being very discreet, are they?”
Isa paused. “No, I don’t think so. I work with Kate, remember?”
“Then tell her you think her husband is cheating on her.”
“I can’t do that. What if it is an open relationship? Then I’m just being a nosy neighbour.”
I blinked at her. When exactly was her never-ending lunch break going to be over? What had I done in a past life to be subjected to such menial speculation in this one? “So, you’re going to gossip about it to me instead?”
“That’s what best friends are for.” She yawned, sitting back down. “Goodness, I’m tired.”
“Why are you so tired? If you yawn any harder, you’re going to suck everything in like you’re a black hole.”
“Ugh. My mother called me at just past midnight screaming that the stupid dog had brought in a hedgehog, and he wouldn’t let it go.”
“Aren’t German Shepherds supposed to be smart?”
“Intelligent as heck, but also, the dumbest creatures I’ve ever come across in my life,” she confirmed.
“Anyway, I had to drive over there in the middle of the night in my pyjamas, only to walk in and find my parents in their conservatory in nothing but their underwear, trying to use a hockey stick to pry open Harry’s mouth. ”
I blinked. “Wow. Did it work?”
“Right as I walked in, of course.” She sighed, running her fingers through her hair.
“The hedgehog is fine and currently sleeping in a box in my bathroom since I checked it over, but I told them never to call me in the middle of the night again. I don’t think I’ll sleep for a week after seeing them in their underwear. ”
Understandable. I would feel similarly if it were me. “I almost feel bad for assuming you were staying up all night speaking to your new boy toys.”
She held up a finger and shook her head. “No, no boy toys, no flings. I’m single-single right now. I’m holding out hope that the rich, handsome duke might fall so helplessly in love with me that he agrees not to sell the allotments if I marry him.”
I stared at her over the top of my laptop. “And people think I’m the weirdo in this friendship.”
She pouted. “I know. It’s a bit strange given you’ve slept with him, but I’m willing to forgive you both when our love story comes to fruition.”
“You have extremely questionable taste in men.”
“You’re the one who shagged him.”
“In my defense, I knew nothing about the man, including his name. I really did just fuck him because of his face,” I replied. “It’s a shame I had to see it again and ruin my memories of that night.”
Isa propped her chin up on her hand and blew out a long breath. “That’s why we get people’s names before we see them naked, Rose.”
“Yes, yes, lesson learnt,” I grumbled. “Although, I am now tempted to swear to a life of celibacy until I find myself in a serious relationship.”
“Can you masturbate if you’re celibate?”
“Um… I don’t know. I can’t say that’s something I’ve ever needed to find out.”
Isa snapped her fingers before pointing at me. “It is now. Hold that thought.” She quickly picked up her phone and typed. “It seems it’s a matter of choice. Some religions forbid it, but some are okay with it, so it depends on what you believe in.”
“I am a sudden believer of masturbation being a part of celibacy,” I said.
“Wow.”
“Wow, what?”
“That means there are some people who potentially live their entire life without ever having an orgasm. Don’t you think that’s sad?”
I paused. “But what if they have a dirty dream and orgasm in their sleep? Does that mean they’ve broken their vow of celibacy?”
Isa scratched her chin. “No? I mean, they haven’t masturbated, right?”
“One could argue that it’s a mental masturbation.”
“An involuntary one.”
How did we get here? “Why are we even talking about this?”
“I have no idea,” Isa said. “And I really need to get back to work before I get yelled at.”
I couldn’t agree more. “Yes. Go to work, you slacker.”
She eyed me as she got up. “Aren’t you also sitting in your dining room on a Wednesday lunchtime, not working?”
“I’m self-employed. I can’t be fired, unlike you.”
“Your clients may think otherwise.”
“I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if I had a client booked in. Susan is letting me come and trim her hedges on Saturday morning instead so I can get this figured out.”
Isa sighed, grabbing her bag. “Maybe I should come and work for you, instead.”
“Do you value our friendship, Isadora?”
“Not today.”
“Good. Then I have no issue firing you after your first day.”
She laughed and smacked a giant kiss on top of my head, making me flinch. “Remind your brother about his appointment on Tuesday, would you? I think he blocked my number when I threatened his balls again.”
No, he blocked her number because he’s had a schoolboy crush on her for years and can’t stand her talking about his balls.
I wasn’t about to tell her that, though.
I wasn’t that mean a sister.
“Yeah, yeah. Will you make the meeting tomorrow?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t wait to find out how you plan to fuck up my future husband’s life.”
I shot her a look. “Weren’t you going back to work?”