Chapter Fourteen – Rose
ROSE
Ever-Growing Shit List
“ I can’t believe you got yourself arrested.”
I stared through the little gap in the door at Oliver. “I didn’t get arrested.”
He blinked at me. “Rose, you’re sitting in a jail cell right now. We’re having this conversation through window bars. How can you say that?”
“That might be the case, but I still didn’t get arrested. No cuffs were used.” I wiggled my hands and looked from him to the other man present. “Tell him, Shaun.”
Shaun closed his eyes, and he looked as though he wanted to be anywhere but right here, right now, having this conversation.
Honestly, it was an expression I was all too familiar with.
“She’s right. She wasn’t arrested. She’s technically in there for a time-out,” he said.
I really hated the idea that this was a time-out.
What was I, a toddler?
No. I was a grown woman. I didn’t need a time out.
But it did always prove my point that I hadn’t been arrested, so I would continue to deal with it and use the phrase to my advantage.
I smiled and leant back against the cold stone wall, crossing my arms over my chest triumphantly. “I told you. Not. Arrested. ”
Oliver frowned at me. “You’re far too smug for someone sitting in a jail cell.
” He turned to Shaun. “How is it possible she wasn’t arrested?
I just watched her run through the heart of the village wearing nothing but lettuce leaves over her most intimate areas.
She even danced on the bloody fountain in the middle of the town square.
I’m going to have nightmares for a week at least.”
That was a lie.
I wasn’t only wearing lettuce leaves.
There was some chard mixed into the bra for extra coverage around the old nipples. The rainbow stems really added a funky pop of colour to an otherwise very green get-up.
Seriously. I respected rainbow chard a lot. Those neon-coloured stems were something else.
Not to mention I was wearing skin-coloured bikini briefs and nipple pasties under my greenery, thank you very much .
My titties might have been in mild danger of exposure, but my kitty kat was fully covered.
I knew the laws.
And I’d only been running because he’d chased me. That part was really all his fault. I was protesting quite peacefully until he saw my sign and took offense at my art.
I mean, if my painstakingly painted portrait of him looked nothing like him, why was he so bothered by it?
“Well, you see,” Shaun said, scratching the side of his neck and looking away.
“Rose’s, er, outfit … didn’t technically breach any public indecency laws.
Ironically, it covered more than the average bikini does on a woman, so there’s nothing we can do.
She really is just here until she calms down after she threw a plum at Mr Turner. ”
Pfft.
I was perfectly calm, thank you very much.
They’d know if I wasn’t.
And Mr Turner deserved to be smacked in the face with a melon, never mind a blinkin’ plum, the ornery old git.
“What about a public disturbance?” Oliver asked.
“We’re a twenty-minute walk away from the nearest beach. If we arrested every half-naked woman running down the high street shouting nonsense, we’d be here twenty-four hours a day during the summer,” Shaun answered. “It’s not that simple.”
I nodded sagely. “Compared to some of the things I’ve seen, my disturbance was very minor indeed.”
Oliver glared at me. “Very minor? I think you’ve scarred me for life.”
I held out my hands, smiling. “Excellent. Then I’ve achieved my objective of cursing you for the rest of your days and shall consider today a resounding success.”
“How long is she here in time out?” he asked Shaun.
“Maybe another hour or so. We usually release her when Isa comes to get her.”
“You release her when her best friend and co-conspirator comes to get her?” Oliver blinked several times.
“Well, her mother refuses to take our calls anymore. I tried calling her from my phone, but she even ignores those. Only when Rose is in trouble, though. She answers me otherwise. It’s like she knows.”
She did.
She absolutely knew.
The woman had a sixth sense for my bullshit.
“Her mother refuses to retrieve her child from jail? What kind of place have I moved to?”
In Mum’s defense, she’d done it more times than a parent should.
My father was the one ignoring his parental responsibility. And God only knew Jake wasn’t going to get me out of here. He was such a little shit he’d conjure up some cockamamie charge to keep me in jail.
“It’s called a community,” I offered brightly. “And if you hadn’t pissed me off in the first place, we wouldn’t even be here.”
“It’s my land,” he reminded me. “Once again, I can do as I wish with it, whether you like it or not.”
“And as a citizen of the United Kingdom, I have the legal right to protest against that as long as I don’t harm anyone or cause any criminal damage,” I replied. “I did neither of those things during my organised, approved, and police attended protest against your tyranny, so suck it up, buttercup.”
All right, so I had technically broken the law a little bit when his car and estate gates were silly stringed yesterday, but I wasn’t concerned about that at all.
There was no way the teens I’d quietly paid to do that would rat me out. Their mothers—my fellow allotmenteers—would beat them.
And rightfully so.
Snitches got stitches, after all.
Besides, he hadn’t even mentioned it, and he definitely knew I was behind it. Nobody else was so unhinged as to organise such a thing.
And, well.
It wasn’t the first time I’d been behind the silly stringing of those particular gates. It was practically tradition.
“You threw a plum at Mr Turner,” Oliver reminded me.
“Did I hit him, though?” I shrugged, holding out my hands. “If I didn’t hit him, I didn’t harm him, thus no laws broken.”
He opened his mouth to argue with me, then froze and turned back to Shaun. “Wait. You just said you usually release her when Isa comes to get her. How often does this actually happen?”
Shaun glanced at me. “It’s not the first time.”
“Probably not the last, either,” I replied. But this pompous prick knew that already, so why was he even asking? There was no way his little spy had left out my dubious legal record when he researched me.
Shaun nodded. “Probably not.”
Oliver looked between us. “This place is insane.”
“Feel free to leave whenever,” I said flatly, looking at my nails. “Nobody will miss you. In fact, we’d all chip in for the bus fare. I’ll drive it for you, too. Even your mother agrees with me that you’re a no-good, rotten bastard.”
“Yes, I did notice that you’d roped my mother into your protest.”
“Wrong.” I held up a finger. “Your lovely mother knocked on my front door earlier today and practically begged me to allow her to be involved. Who am I to ignore the pleas of a noble viscountess?”
“You ignore the pleas of a duke just fine,” he said.
“That’s because you’re a no-good, rotten bastard, and your mother is an absolute fucking delight. Did you see her waving around that sign demanding that we save Susan’s melons? She’s one of us now.”
“It sounds like you’re starting a cult over at the allotments.”
“Maybe I am. Me and your mother will probably run it. What are you gonna do about it, Mr Fancypants? Cults aren’t illegal in the U.K.”
“Perhaps I should utilise my connections and petition for a change in the law.”
“And you wonder why I call you a tyrant.”
Oliver gave me a withering look and turned to Shaun, running his hand down his face. “Shaun, are you sure there’s nothing you can charge her with?”
“I’m afraid not, Your Grace. Unless she actively breaks the law, there’s nothing we can do. Rose is scarily good at toeing the line of legality.”
I smiled.
That probably wasn’t something a cop should admit, but oh well.
Oliver side-eyed me. “Why do you look so proud of that?”
“Because I just know that really pisses you off, and that pleases me immensely.” I stretched my legs out in front of me. “Shaun, this bed sucks. Can I have a pillow?”
He stared at me. “No.”
“Why not? I’m not a criminal. I’m in time out. Like I’m a toddler.”
“You’re in there to think about how insane you are,” he said. “And where the hell did you even get the idea to make a lettuce bikini for your protest?”
I tapped the side of my head. “Right up here.”
“I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s not even close to the strangest thing I’ve ever seen you do.”
“How is it possible that she’s done stranger things than this?” Oliver asked. “I feel like I’ve been in the twilight zone ever since I arrived in Hanbury. Just when I think this one is somewhat normal, she pulls a stunt like this, and I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life.”
“That’s because you met the Queen of the Weirdos as soon as you arrived,” Shaun replied. “And pissed her off almost instantly.”
Actually, the first thing he’d done to me after we met was make me very happy indeed, but I wasn’t about to bring that up.
God only knew Oliver had referred to that night enough for the both of us.
“You were doomed from that moment,” Shaun finished.
I grinned at Oliver. “You’re welcome.”
Oliver pinched the bridge of his nose. “Rose, that’s nothing to be proud of.”
“I’m sorry.” I held up a hand. “While I’m being discussed in my capacity as the Queen of the Weirdos, I must request that you address me as Your Majesty.”
“Bloody hell.” He stared at me with his bright blue eyes for a moment, then shook his head and turned away. “Well, if you’re not being arrested, there’s no need for me to be here. You don’t need a lawyer.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What does me needing a lawyer have to do with your unfortunate presence?”
“I was considering swallowing my pride and hiring you one,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “After all, like you said, you have the legal right to protest, whether I like it or not.”
“And you… would hire me a lawyer? Even though I was running through the village in a lettuce leaf bikini with a sign that says, ‘Just Stop Oli’ in one hand and a chicken in the other?”
His eye twitched. “You also took a chicken on your protest?”
“The chicken was safely and quickly returned to the allotments,” Shaun said tiredly. “Don’t worry.”
Oliver glanced between us. “Was it Waffles?”
A sinister smile crept across my face. “If I’m using a chicken to threaten you, it’ll always be my little snookums.”
“Snookums,” he echoed, taking a step further back from the cell door. “Shaun, what are the grounds for a mental health hold?”
“Referring to a rooster as her snookums is not one of them,” he replied. “If it were, I’d have had her checked years ago.”
“Shh.” I pressed my finger to my lips and glared at him. “Waffles can’t find out he wasn’t my first feathered love. We don’t know what he might do to Oliver if he knows the truth.”
Oliver spun back to look at me. “Why would your weird love affair with your rooster have anything to do with me?”
“Have you spoken to Isadora by any chance?” I narrowed my eyes. “And it has everything to do with you. There’s every chance I’ll rile Waffles up before I let him loose in your mansion one day.”
“It’s a manor house, not a mansion.”
“Whoop-de-doo,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Weren’t you leaving?”
“Fortunately, I am.” He rolled his shoulders and looked at Shaun. “Would you release her to me?”
Please, God, no.
Shaun turned to me and smiled.
“I am nowhere near calm enough to be let out of my cell,” I said quickly, lying down on the bed. “And what I said about this bed sucking? It was a bout of temporary insanity. This is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever laid down on. I should really stay here to think about my behaviour some more.”
“Rose May Matthews, I’m releasing you into the care of His Grace, the Duke of Hanbury.” Shaun’s shit eating grin stayed on his face as he unlocked the door. “Please make your way towards reception with His Grace to collect your belongings.”
I was going to kill him.
“I’m sorry, I think my legs have given out from the stress. I’m going to need a doctor,” I replied. “See? I’m wiggling my toes, but nothing is happening.”
“Don’t think I won’t come in there and haul you over my shoulder,” Oliver warned.
“I would love to see you try.”
He stepped into the cell and, before I knew it, hauled me into a sitting position and up into his arms.
Where he did exactly as he’d threatened.
“Oi!” I shouted as my wavy mess of hair flipped over my head and completely blocked my view. “Put me down!”
“You asked for this, princess,” was all he said in return.
“Shaun!”
“I’ll bring her things to your car,” that bastard said to Oliver.
“That’s it!” I said, thumping my fists against Oliver’s firm lower back. “You’re on my shit list, Shaun Patrick! Expect my revenge!”
Shaun laughed. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll let Isa know we’ve released you.”
“My revenge will be swift and painful. Fear me.” I let my arms hang loose and huffed.
“Yes, Rose,” Oliver drawled. “Very scary.”