Chapter Fifteen #4
“No, but I knew you would all go out into the world and meet people who were someday.” Dad smiled down at his lap.
“I guess I got used to being a girl dad, you know? Girls are good at telling you how they feel and what’s wrong.
I guess we expect them to be. And your sisters…
well, you know them. They never hesitate to speak up about anything.
When you came along and you were interested in the things I was interested in, I wanted to be there for all of it, and I guess I expected you to know your own mind and have all the words to say it the same way they did. ”
“I—” Kilian started, wanting to defend himself against the accusation of not knowing his own mind, but Dad wasn’t done.
“And you did. I’m sure you did. But you were always so sensitive and tried so hard to make us all happy.
I should have known you wouldn’t come right out and tell me if you weren’t happy.
You don’t learn how to be real with your emotions in a hockey arena, and it was my job to teach you.
” He sighed, running a hand through his thinning hair.
“I never should have coached you, should I?”
During the worst part of puberty, between the ages of eleven and fourteen, Kilian had thought the same thing many times over. But now that Dad was saying it, he found he couldn’t answer.
“I never knew whether to raise you or train you. At the rink, I didn’t want to step into the locker room and discipline you as my kid, and at home, I was always in hot water with your mom for all the hockey talk.”
“If you hadn’t been my coach, I might not have stuck with hockey.
” Kilian didn’t know where the admission rose from or why he felt the need to share it now, when he’d finally heard the words from his father that he’d wanted to hear for so long.
It turned out he couldn’t handle seeing Dad look so sad.
“When I was little, my favorite thing about it was having your attention. You and Grandpa liked watching me play so much. That’s why I love it. Because of you.”
Fresh tears rolled from the corners of Dad’s eyes.
“Anyway,” Kilian added, “we can’t change it now.”
“No, but I can be a better dad in the future.”
Mercifully, before Kilian could respond with assurances of what a great dad he already was, he continued.
“And you had better talk to your sisters. They’ve been calling us at all hours of the day.”
A huff of laughter burst from Kilian. “I haven’t been using my phone. Too scared of everyone’s reactions.”
“Well, everyone in this family loves the hell out of you.”
Kilian reached for his phone on the coffee table. He hesitated before unlocking it. “Even Grandpa?”
“Your grandfather bought a pride flag for his boat.” Dad rolled his eyes. “He posted pictures on his WhatsApp status. It’s the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Send them to me?”
“Of course.”
“And maybe ask him to stop commenting on all the Sea Lions’ posts?”
Dad shook his head. “I’ve tried. It’s a losing battle.”
They lapsed into silence for a moment before Dad cleared his throat hesitantly. “Do you…uh, do you know who took those pictures of you?”
Kilian glowered. He’d made a concerted effort not to look too closely at the pictures or the article, but he hadn’t become a professional hockey player without learning how to memorize people’s positions relative to his own.
He knew who had been dancing at that angle. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
If he thought he’d been angry at Breezy for not outing him to their teammates when he knew it would be okay, it was nothing compared to how angry he was about actually being outed.
Damir and Mom bustled in with plates and silverware and glasses in hand.
Kilian used the scant minutes before dinner to open his group chat with his sisters.
There were too many unread messages to go through them all.
He’d been sporadic at best about answering texts after he moved to Chicago, but since the news had broken, he’d missed dozens of notifications.
At the start, they’d asked after him, trying to find out if he was okay, telling him to call home.
He skimmed through those messages, guilt stopping him from reading them properly. The more recent ones came toward the bottom, the ones from this afternoon after his post had gone live.
Jeannie had posted nothing but rainbows and hearts for five solid messages. Lacey had written a long message Kilian didn’t have the time to read properly, but he caught the words “proud” and “best little brother” and then promptly stopped reading before he got weepy again.
And Josie, being iconic, had only written, suckers, he told me first.
He reacted to all their messages with hearts and texted, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier and worried you. was working through some stuff. also sorry I stole mom and dad for xmas.
Immediately, he received a picture of a bottle of vodka and three glasses in front of the fireplace in the family living room.
They’d let the dogs in, and their fuzzy bodies flopped on the tile, all cozy and warm.
Kilian felt a pang of homesickness followed closely by a swell of gratitude his parents were here.
And then Damir brought out the food, and Kilian’s emotions finally calmed down from their roiling swell to one single manageable feeling: hunger.