Rousing Renee (Submissives of Rawhide Ranch #7)

Prologue

PROLOGUE

Renee

I leaned back against the wall of my bedroom, looking in the mirror across from me. Dark circles colored the area around my eyes, the stress I felt easy to read by the lines etched across my forehead, and my purplish dehydrated and cracked lips trembled as I stared at my reflection. I no longer recognized myself. Youth was absent from my appearance, making me look older than I really was. A whopping thirty-four years old and I felt even older. The light that once burned brightly from my pupils and irises now was muted to the point where I wondered if I’d imagined better days. Ones where I’d cheered while people roared from the crowds as we re-energized them during sport games.

I’d been popular then and people had loved being in my presence. I’d been good at putting on a show that all was well in my life when it looked completely different behind closed doors. My mother and father…

My heart rate sped up so quickly my vision blurred, and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.

“Don’t go out there on that field and embarrass me. Know your steps and cheers, Jo.”

The sound of my mother’s disapproving voice wasn’t something I’d ever forget. Though my first name was Renee, she’d preferred the shortened version of my middle name. She made Jodell feel like something to hate. Because of her, I didn’t ever write my middle name or initials on anything. I was simply Renee McMillian.

“Roll your hips instead of shaking left to right. Make the crowd pay attention to you. I didn’t give you that body for you to waste all that damn potential. Roll your hips. Fan toward your breasts. Then give them bedroom eyes. You’ve been cheering since you were eight, so why is all this so damn hard? Act like one of them ‘lil boys are watching. Is it your coach? I can get her ass replaced in a second. Y’all don’t cheer like you mean it. It’s got to be her.”

Failure. Failure. Failure.

Every time she’d spoken, that’s all I’d heard. She’d never tried positive reinforcement. Even if I did perform the way she thought I should, it was met with comments about me finally doing it the way it should have been done in the first place. Except, when I’d cheered the way she preferred, I’d felt like a whore. I’d been in high school, and she’d wanted me to seduce the crowd like a showgirl. I’d even gotten in trouble from the coach because she didn’t want “fast girls” on her team. Damned if I did. Damned if I didn’t.

My father had been much too busy chasing ass to know what kind of pressure my mother subjected me to. So, I’d smiled because nobody else needed to see what was going on.

Then they’d died, leaving me to fend for myself in this cruel world without their morbid expressions of love. One would think it would free me from the confines of a prison that only existed in my mind, but that’s not how it works. I’d felt more alone, and it sent me spiraling in bad ways.

Like now…

Unable to cope with the fact that I kept losing jobs, boyfriends, Dominants, friends, and even places to live because I couldn’t find a happy place to settle my brain and bring me out of my depression. My anxiety plagues me and on my best days, I want to lie in bed all day. I’d promised Sampson, one of my best friends, that I wouldn’t cut any more. I hadn’t, but I wanted to more and more as time carried on. No relief from the darkness has brought me to this very place where the knife in front of me is begging me to do more than cut.

I want to end it all.

“Jo, when I’m gone, you’ll beg for me to be right here by your side. You’ll regret taking me for granted.”

No, that wasn’t how I felt at all. Alone… scared that if I were to ever get pregnant, I’d be the kind of mother she was, though I wanted children badly. Afraid every man will be like my father, riddled with sexually transmitted diseases that will kill us both. Terrified to trust anybody if they got too close. They’d see the chinks in my armor and the facade I wore as I fell apart inside. It was too much, and I just wanted the pain to end. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today. Right now.

I looked down at the knife and saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I needed to do this to make everything better.

“If you ever get this low again, pick up the phone and call me. Don’t text. Call. And you keep doing that until I answer. You’re not being a bother and I won’t get upset. Call me before you try to take away the pain for good. I’ve been there and I’ll understand. Promise me, Renee.”

A different voice from before, I heard Sampson’s voice like an angelic tune played much too loudly, blasted into my face on surround sound.

“Call.”

The words played over and over in my head, on repeat. I looked at my purse on the floor where I’d dropped it. It was so much further away than the knife.

What harm would it be if I opened the veins on my arms to relieve the pressure before I called him? The ambulance would get here before I bled out. Maybe. Thrill came alive inside me, and for the first time in a very long time, hope surfaced. Maybe not. Russian roulette. Hope flared to life as I thought about the clock running out before the paramedics arrived. Almost doesn’t count.

“Promise me.”

I growled, irritated by his persistent voice inside my head. Tears pooled at the brims of my eyes as I thought about how low I’ve sunk.

There has to be a better way.

The tears I was holding back ran down my face, snapping me back to reality. I reached over, completely and totally exhausted. I grabbed the hard object and closed my eyes, hoping this was the right decision. I pressed it into my hand, gripping it tightly. It hurt more than the other object ever could.

“Call Sampson,” I said clearly.

The screen lit up, and I heard the phone ringing as it tried to connect. I didn’t have the strength or willpower to continue calling him if he didn’t answer, too plagued by the weight of the darkness.

Please answer.

“Hey, diva!”

Sampson’s enthusiastic greeting shined the light brightly into me. A new kind of hope blossomed so hugely that the overwhelming need to feel his arms around me sent me into a crying fit.

“Hey, girl. I got you. Whatever it is, I’ve got you.”

I didn’t need to say anything more. He jumped right into action.

“Aiden! Let me see your phone!” he yelled to his husband. “Now, please. It’s an emergency!”

He mumbled something before I heard him exchanging words with Aiden.

“Keep breathing, diva. I got you. I’m so damn happy you called me. My heart is so full of love for you right now. I’m really proud of you, Renee. Let it out! I’m right here. Right… here.”

Then I heard a woman’s voice on what sounded like a speaker phone.

“I need you to go to an address right now. Emergency style, honey. I need you to go help me save my best friend.” He rattled off my address, and the woman disconnected the call. “She could have said bye first,” he mumbled. “Renee, diva, we’ve got you. Keep fighting, baby. You hear me? Keep fighting.”

I could feel how much he believed in me. It was obvious in his actions.

“Repeat after me… I am incredible.”

I am incredible.

“I am alive.”

I am alive.

“I am loved.”

I am loved.

“I am fucking beautiful.”

I giggled.

“There she is. Now let’s try it again. And this time I need to hear the words, honey. I am incredible.”

“I am incredible.”

“I am alive.”

“I am alive.”

“I am loved.”

“I am loved.”

“I am fucking beautiful.”

“I am fucking beautiful.” I exhaled hard after that one because it was the heaviest to lift up into belief.

“I’m going to get help today.”

“I’m”—my voice cracked because it is what I truly needed—“I’m going to get help today.”

“Good girl.”

I heard Aiden’s voice, and it warmed something in my heart.

“I know we don’t know one another that well, but you are so brave right now. I know how hard it must’ve been to make this call. I’m so proud of you. Sampson is

too.”

I heard sniffling and knew it was Sampson.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset, Sampson. I’ll let you go.” I moved the phone away from my ear but was stopped in my tracks by Aiden’s voice.

“No. Don’t you dare.”

The power in his voice was no nonsense. I didn’t need to add defying him to the list of accomplishments for the day.

“He’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it. That’s what I’m here for. Me for him. Him for you. Neither of us are going anywhere, little one.”

“Yes, Sir,” I whispered.

“Good. Now keep talking to us.”

I did until the knock sounded at the door. It was Sampson’s friend Angela. I opened the door, welcoming her inside. She had very deep dimples and a friendly smile that reassured me everything was going to be okay. She had me show her the knife immediately. After she took it away, she helped me pack my bags because I wouldn’t be back anytime soon. I trusted her because Sampson did. He’d never put me in harm’s way. In addition, I grabbed a few sentimental items and we left. Sampson and Aiden were on the phone the entire time. I expected her to pull up to a hospital to have my ass committed. Instead, we drove for two hours. When we arrived, I saw the huge gate with the letters R and R on it.

“What is this place?” I asked her.

“For the next few months, it’ll be home. We’re going to help you get better in a way that makes sense for you. Welcome to Rawhide Ranch, Renee. It’s not your typical safe house, but I’ve been told you’ll understand the rules very well.” She handed me her business card and while she got us through the entrance, I read her credentials.

Angela Crosby, PhD. PsyD. Psychologist and Therapist.

Then I flipped over the card to see the familiar emblem and wondered about the tall, brown-skinned woman in a different light. The words “Safe Call” were printed underneath the BDSM emblem. I guess I knew how she knew Sampson. He was also an activist for our community and keeping it safe.

I sagged against the seat and wondered what the hell I’d gotten myself into. Getting help never felt like a saving grace before. Now, I couldn’t wait to see what adventure was coming my way.

Safe…

Ezra

I looked at Tammy as she curled up to my side. Completely blissed out, she snored softly beside me. Another successful scene between us. I was happy in my relationship with her. We meshed well together and if things continued to go in this direction, I could see us married. However, I’d love kids to go with that package deal. We’ve been together for four years, though we’ve known each other since I was in high school. She’d had a crush on me, but I hadn’t made a move because of our age difference.

At the time, I’d looked much older than I really was. I was also intelligent and had been two grades ahead. When you think about it, five years isn’t that much of an age difference, but it was when you’re thirteen and the girl you’re interested in is eighteen, even if she hadn’t been aware. Now, we’re past that, but it had been unbelievable at the time. Fast forward to us bumping into one another four years ago and then our fast track to today. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year and it didn’t seem to be working out the traditional way.

I had an appointment today to go over my results with my doctor. I hoped like hell that I wasn’t the issue. It would make things even harder if it was. Worrying about the results had kept me up most of the night. My alarm was going to sound at any moment to wake me, but I’d been up long before the sun rose. I enjoyed my last few minutes of holding on to my beautiful ginger-haired girlfriend before the annoying ring of a school bell came from my phone. Time to get up and start my day.

“Where are you going?” Tammy mumbled.

“Doctor’s visit, remember?” I asked before kissing her exposed shoulder.

“That’s right.” She pulled the blanket over us both and put her leg over my hip as she straddled me.

Stiff from morning wood, she inserted me easily inside her very thirsty cunt, and we both hissed at the soothing reunion.

“I’ll be quick,” she whispered as if it were a dirty secret.

“Take your time,” I growled. Fuck that appointment.

Tammy’s body was almost too perfect. Breasts, ass, and even her curves were all sculpted by her doctor. I often wondered how she was going to handle pregnancy. She wouldn’t come out on the other side appearing the way she does now. If she did, I failed the assignment of not keeping her barefoot and pregnant for the next few years. That was totally the goal unless…

“E?” she moaned.

Damn, I’d been so busy thinking about other things that I was losing my erection. I snapped out of it and got both heads back in the game.

“I’m here,” I said truthfully.

“Good.” She rode me slower, hitting that spot in her pussy that made me see stars.

“You weren’t lying about making it quick,” I grunted, fully back into the moment.

“No, Sir,” she whined.

“Good girl.” Very fucking good girl.

She bounced on me hard, fucking me so right my toes curled into the bed. She did this swirl thing with her hips, arched into me, and rocked as she came down on me. I couldn’t breathe without feeling like I was about to explode inside her. Words? I didn’t know where they were. She was sticky good, sucking me up into her and clenching me tight. Was this about her or me? Because it was my head that was dizzy and drunk off her. The muscles in my stomach clenched, and I curled up, trying to fight the orgasm that was pulling me under.

“Damn, E…” she moaned. Her eyes were closed, and she was biting her lip in that way that let me know she was close. “I swear you’re the best I’ve ever had. Cock this good doesn’t just come around often. You’re going to put a ring on me one day, right?”

“Yeah…” Hell yeah.

“Right?” she mewled.

“Fuckin’ right,” I growled low in my chest.

“I’m yours?” she asked right before her thighs trembled.

“Are you about to come?” My voice was raspy in the zone, conveying to her that the tingling in my balls was spreading through my groin.

“Oooh, yes! Tell me I’m yours, please, E. Please!” Her entire body shook as she waited for my response.

“Mmm…” When she got all possessive and needy like this, it did something to me. “Ask nicely.”

Usually, she’d beg. But today…

She spread her legs and stroked her cunt. Making her entire body vibrate its need for me.

“Tammy, chill…” I swallowed, searching for willpower.

“Tsss…” The noise came at the same time she moved her fingers faster against her clit. Teasing the little bitch between her legs and making her sopping wet. She didn’t come, though. She knew better. However, the torture was on me.

Each quake and quiver pulled me closer to that final moment.

“Little brat…” I choked out.

She squirt around me, still holding back what she could.

“Fuck!” I shouted so loud I startled us both. It only lasted a moment, and then I rolled us over so I could fuck her little ass back into submission.

Her fingers didn’t stop, but now she was taking the brunt of my aggression as well as the territorialism she’d awakened inside me.

“Who in the fuck else would you belong to?” I bucked inside her, not caring that I could feel the back of her pussy.

“Too… much!” she screamed. But her body wrapped around me in approval.

“Who else can make you feel this fucking good? Huh? Huh?” I grumbled my approval when her arms pulled me down so she could feel all of my body on hers. She held on tightly as I pushed her past her limits. “You tell me… who do you belong to? Who makes you feel this fucking free?”

“You, E!” And just like that, she came. “No! I’m sorry. I’m so so so so sorry!”

Because she didn’t have permission. I spanked her ass as we both came, hurting her more and more as we flew. She’d be bruised for sure. But the harder my hand connected with the skin on her butt, the more her body shook. Orgasm after orgasm.

“Yours, E. Yours!” she kept repeating.

The bliss that exploded behind my eyes told me everything I needed to know. She was the one. The connection was everything I needed.

Except… something held me back from asking her to marry me. Everything felt exactly the way it should, but a nagging feeling always kept me from doing it. I never could explain what it was. And until I could figure it out, I couldn’t propose. I already had the ring.

So, what held me back?

“Ezra, your results came back perfectly healthy. No worries that it’s you. I think it’s time to move on to Tammy. See what’s happening inside her body.”

“She’s already seen her doctor. She said she’s fine.” I shook my head, not understanding. “Is it possible for us to both be healthy and not conceive?” I asked.

“There’s always a possibility. It’s about a two percent chance, though. As I said, we need to get her in here so we can take a closer look at everything. I’d like to send her to get additional testing. If it’s easier, I can tell you the names of the tests so she can see if her doctor is able to do them, if she prefers.”

“I’ll talk to her and find out what she wants. Doc, are you sure it’s not me?” I asked him again so I could quiet the lingering thoughts.

“Positive. I’ve put you through enough to know. Worst case, we can fertilize her eggs with your sperm.”

“Hmm… okay.” I stood up and shook his hand. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure. I’ll be expecting your call.”

I walked out of his office feeling lighter. I didn’t want to be the issue. Hell, I didn’t want her to be either, but I’d sold myself on the idea of seeing the world through the eyes of a face that looked like mine.

I called Tammy twice but she didn’t answer. She was probably in the shower. So instead of exiting the hospital, I walked over to her OBGYN to see if they had openings to schedule appointments for her.

“What’s it for?” the receptionist asked.

“We need a few tests done for fertility,” I said, while tapping lightly on the counter.

“Okay. You’ll need a referral. I’ll let the doctor know and she’ll give you a call.”

“Thank you. If she can’t get a hold of Tammy, she has my info.”

“Okay. I’ll let her know.”

I left the desk and drove to pick up breakfast since it wasn’t even ten a.m. yet. There was a place called Jan’s next to where we lived that was our favorite. Getting the protein breakfast for me, I got Tammy’s favorite. It was called Fruit By the Way. Basically, it was a fruit-flavored yogurt base inside a granola pie crust with a bunch of fruit on top, sprinkled with honey, chia, and cinnamon, and they topped it off with whip cream and roasted pecans. Tammy always added toasted almonds. It was a treat she didn’t get often, but one she loved. It made my steak, sausage, and bacon with sunny-side-up eggs and toast look mediocre. No matter how flavorful and delicious it was, it didn’t compare to the beautiful concoction she ate.

When I pulled into the garage, my cell rang. It was Tammy’s doctor’s office. I answered the phone as I was retrieving the bags and getting out.

“Mr. Hamilton, it’s Dr. Vaughn. I just wanted to touch base about the appointment request. Did you guys change your mind already? I thought I explained the risks of Tammy getting her tubes tied. I suggested waiting three to six months to have them reversed so we can make sure the decision is one of sound mind. Why did you guys decide getting pregnant was a good idea after the procedure was complete? It hasn’t even been two weeks.”

Silence. It stretched on because I was afraid that if I spoke, I wouldn’t be able to reclaim the air I’d just lost.

“Mr. Hamilton, are you still there?”

“Yes.” No. “I’m sorry. I’m in the garage and I didn’t understand a thing you said. Can you start over?” I heard it all but wanted to make sure I hadn’t made that shit up.

“When Tammy came in for her tubes to be tied. I explained to her the two of you needed to wait three to six months before we could try to reverse them. Did she not explain that to you? It was only two weeks ago.”

“I’ve been working a lot and I guess it slipped my mind. I’ll get with her so we can go over the details again.” That wasn’t a lie. I had been working a lot and that had to be the reason why I was completely clueless to my girlfriend getting her tubes tied without telling me. I had to be so far out of it for her to think this would be fine with me.

Two weeks ago, she told me she was going in for them to do liposuction on her stomach. She was sore for a bit afterward, but not once did she say…

“Also, since it seems like there was a lot of information given to her at once, can you remind her that she doesn’t need to continue the birth control?”

I hung up the phone because truly I didn’t have anything to say. At least, not to her.

Going upstairs, I walked past the doorman without a word. I didn’t acknowledge the other people on the elevator. I also didn’t remember walking to the front door and unlocking it. All I could think about was the number of lies I’d been told.

But I knew something was off.

I sat down at the dining room table with my food in front of me, but I was no longer hungry. Hers sat across from me in the seat Tammy usually occupied as if today were a normal day. It wasn’t.

“Hey! I didn’t hear you come in.” Tammy bounced into the room and kissed me on my cheek. “Oh! You got us Jan’s.”

I wanted to say something to her, but the words just wouldn’t come.

“Why aren’t you eating your food?” she asked while setting up her space. When you got her bowl to go, they gave you the layers to compile yourself.

“Not hungry,” I mumbled.

“I’m famished.” She sat down at the table and fixed her food. “How was your appointment? Were you late?”

“Yeah. I never asked how your appointment went a couple weeks ago. All went well?”

“It did.” She nodded quickly.

“What was it again?” I looked up for the first time to see if she would come clean.

“Liposuction in my belly area.” She took a bite of her bowl and chewed.

“I found out today from the doctor that I’m healthy and it’s not that anything is wrong with my sperm count either.”

“That’s great. I wonder why we can’t get pregnant then.” And she gave me an expression filled with complete confusion.

“Maybe it’s the birth control you were on. Or maybe the fact you got your tubes tied and never told me.”

Tammy dropped the spoon she was holding, and I watched the mask slip from her face.

“Want to explain how that equates to being the same as liposuction? I’ll wait.”

Tammy sat there speechless, and it only confirmed the knot in my stomach that had been present for a year was because something was truly wrong. This was it. She’d been lying to me for three years.

“Say,” I said sternly, needing her to validate the way I felt about her. Tell me it’s not true, so we can move on or confirm it so I can get the fuck out of here.

“I’m sorry.”

And there it was. The confirmation that had me packing my shit.

“No need to be. You did what was best for you, and now I’ll do what’s best for me.” I stood up and went to the bedroom, where I pulled out my suitcase and began packing.

“What are you doing?” she asked as she came into the room with tears pouring down her face.

“Leaving.” I shrugged, feeling more defeated than I could ever explain.

“Why? I don’t understand.” She sniffed.

“Yes, you do.” I shook my head after scoffing. “I want children. You don’t want them. That means we can’t be together because I’m not willing to budge on that. It’s easy, Tammy. We’re over. There’s no need pretending like this is going to be fixed. I wish you hadn’t wasted my time. At fucking all.” I felt the anger building so intensely I had to walk away because her presence represented how much I’d just lost.

“I can get them untied!” she blurted. “Please, E. Please.”

“Tell me… if you get them untied, are you willing to get pregnant? Like as soon as possible. Not next year or next month. Right. Now. Are you willing to do that another three or four times? Are you prepared for what it’ll do to your body? Will you be the best mother in the world to them? Or will I be a single parent in the end? Fucking say something, Tammy!”

“I don’t know if I can promise you any of that. All I know is that I’ll do anything to have you. Anything to keep you in my life. I’ll give you whatever you need,” she said through tears. Her voice cracked on the last part. “Anything for you, E. Please…”

“For me…” I shook my head. “Same, Tammy. I’d have given you the world. Maybe if you were honest from the beginning, we could have found a solution, but too much time has passed, and you had so many opportunities to be honest and you chose not to be. I can’t forgive you for that. To make it worse, the way I found out was fucking ridiculous!” I roared.

“I know… I know. I should have…” Tammy sighed. “Can we take the space for you to calm down and then talk after?” she asked.

“Baby, there’s not a single thing that can fix this. Please, let it go.”

Tammy nodded but remained silent. When I got ready to walk out the door, she came into the living room and leaned on the wall.

“Where are you going to go?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“You can stay here, and I’ll find a place since we’re here because you loved it so much.”

“Let me know when you find something.”

“Can I have a hug?” she asked.

“I’m definitely not there, Tammy. Goodbye.” I closed the door behind me, ending this chapter in my life.

As much as I tried to remain strong, I was hurting in a big way. I kept my head up and continued walking to my destination.

Car.

Phone.

Dial.

Best friend–Landon.

Confirm short-term plan.

Drive.

Go inside.

Pour drink.

Drink.

Pour drink.

Drink.

Pour drink.

Drink.

Pour Drink…

Tomorrow I will pick up the pieces. Today, I’ll live in my woes, licking my wounds. That’s what I needed to heal from it all. When Landon asked me what happened, my response was simple.

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