Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Astrid
I slump back in my seat, staring out the window as trees and houses begin to blur outside. I know I’ve done the right thing in leaving. There was no other choice.
Last night, I had a glimpse of my future. I would always hope for more from Fred, and he would never give it. It was like one of those flashbulb moments you read about, and in that moment I knew. Frederic will never allow himself to love me. Heck, I don’t even know if he truly likes me.
The glimpses of the man beneath the tightly held veneer are just that: glimpses.
Everything we shared last night was a momentary lapse for him, a crack that closed almost as soon as it appeared.
I’m developing real feelings for him, but he’s exactly as the papers describe.
He’s a marble statue, beautiful and untouchable, his heart well and truly locked away from me.
He’ll never give me the key.
I can’t live my life like that.
I didn’t sleep last night. I paced the room until dawn, turning everything over and over in my mind. I was a fool to think he could open himself up to me. He’s shown me again and again who he is. He’s stiff. Formal. Guarded.
I was too full of hope and some childish, romantic notion that we were meant to be.
How could I love a man like that? And, more poignantly, how could a man like that ever love me?
As the train descends from the mountains Mama’s words ring in my ears. We can survive without you being with someone you don’t want to marry. In those words, she gave me permission to follow my heart. At first, I thought it was to be with Frederic.
Now I know I was only kidding myself.
I need someone with light in their eyes and fire in their belly. Someone who wants to live fully, who wants to be my partner in life, not just my husband in name. Not a loveless marriage to a man too emotionally closed off to give me what I need.
My lips press together as hot tears spring to my eyes, my throat tight, my stomach churning. I’ve cried so much over Fred since he said goodnight last night. I thought there could be nothing left. Still, I swipe my tears away with my fingertips and lift my chin.
I’ve made my decision, and I know it’s the right one for me.
A hand settles gently on my hand and I look up to find Anya watching me with quiet concern.
“You’ll be okay, Asti,” she says, and not for the first time this morning. “You gave it your best.”
I nod, even as my heart feels like it’s splitting in two. “I thought he was the one, Anya. I thought I could get him to open up, that I could find the man beneath all that protocol and duty. I couldn’t.”
“I know,” she replies. “You’ll recover from this. I know you. You’ll bounce back and see the good in everything once more. Soon you’ll be home with all the goats and chickens you could ever want. With a family who loves you.”
My family.
I scrunch my eyes shut as a fresh wave of sorrow tightens my chest.
I’m letting my family down. They need this marriage. They need me to help Elkevik. Without me, will Ledonia still honor the trade agreement? Will Frederic find it in his heart to get his country to keep its word, even if I’m no longer part of the deal?
And what am I doing to him? To the referendum? Could I have just caused the end of his family’s position as monarchs? A thousand years of history gone with one decision?
The questions sit heavy in my chest as the train carries me farther and farther away from the man I’m trying so hard to forget.
The man who so clearly doesn’t love me.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Anya asks.
I pause, staring out the window before I nod.
“After we danced at the festival, having so much fun, I felt closer to him than I ever had. And then we talked, really talked. It felt as though he’d finally let go of all his control and was opening up to me.
Then, out on the balcony under the lanterns, we shared a kiss. ”
Her eyes grow big. “You kissed him?”
“Oh, Anya, it was absolutely perfect. He was perfect. Unlike our first kiss, there was no audience. It was just us.” I swallow, my chest hollowing. “I thought, this is it, this is the moment he finally opens up to me. The moment I finally feel truly connected to him.”
Anya gives my hand a squeeze. “Oh, Asti.”
“I’ve felt flashes of it before with him, just enough to give me hope. But last night I thought—” I break off.
“You thought?”
“I saw my future and it wasn’t the rose-coloured version I’ve been clinging to.
It was the real one. A life with a man who doesn’t love me.
A marriage built on duty, not choice.” My voice wobbles despite my best efforts.
“One evening together can’t change everything, even if I foolishly hoped it could. ”
“I need to ask you a question, and you must answer me honestly. Are you sure you want to leave? Really, really sure? Because when this hits the papers and when his family and yours find out, there’s going to be a major to-do.”
Something tightens around my chest like a vice.
I look down again, my fingers twisting together.
“I know it’s going to be awful. I think my parents will understand, but I’m not so sure about Frederic’s family.
They’ll probably just think I’m flighty.
Or selfish.” I look up at her as another wave of tears sting my eyes.
“I can’t help feeling they’ll be right.”
Anya shakes her head. “You’re not flighty or selfish. You’re someone who knows what she wants from life. And if Frederic can’t give you that, then you’re doing the right thing, the only thing.”
She rummages in her bag and produces some tissues, which I take gratefully. “Why don’t you listen to some music?” she suggests as she produces my Walkman and a selection of tapes.
“You think of everything, Anya. You’re my guardian angel. Do you know that?”
“I prefer to think of myself as your friend.”
“Thank you for being here for me, friend.”
“You, hightailing it out of a hotel in Monteluce after kissing a prince on a balcony beneath a sea of lanterns?” She grins at me. “I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.”
I snort despite myself before I slot a tape into my Walkman, slide my headphones into place, and click play. Immediately, my head fills with Vanessa William’s sweet voice, telling me how she’s saved the best for last.
I tug my headphones from my ears, my heart drumming.
“What happened?” Anya asks.
“Wrong song,” I say simply, my throat tight.
“Try a different tape. A breakup song, maybe? Elton John’s I’m Still Standing. Or that classic, I Will Survive. I’ve sung that one at karaoke more than once after a breakup. It’s musical therapy.”
I rummage in my handbag until I find a tape, slot it into the tape deck, and lean back, allowing Elton John’s words wash over me until it dulls the ache just enough to breathe.
For the rest of the journey, I keep my headphones firmly in place, until eventually, the guard’s voice comes over the speaker, announcing that the next stop is Villadorata.
“Do you think there’ll be press there?” I ask, sliding the headphones down around my neck.
Anya shakes her head. “Not unless the prince has alerted them, which I bet he wouldn’t do.”
An image of Frederic alone in my room, finding the ring and my note forces a heavy lead weight to drop in my belly.
He might not love me, but I know I’ve hurt him.
As the train pulls into Villadorata, all my tears have dried and I’m left feeling nothing but numb.
Huh. I’ve become a marble statue. This must be what it’s like to be Frederic.
The irony doesn’t escape me.
We busy ourselves hauling my luggage down from the overhead compartment.
There’s far too much of it, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave behind the dresses and outfits Frederic’s parents had given me.
Leaving the ring was hard enough. I’ll have the clothes returned to the palace before I leave. That, at least, feels manageable.
“Do you have a plan from here?” Anya asks as we step onto the platform.
“I just thought I needed to get to Villadorata so I could fly home.”
She studies me carefully. “Have you told your parents?”
“My parents?” I shake my head. “No. I didn’t want to do it on the train. I thought I’d cry too much. Although, given how much I cried anyway, it probably wouldn’t have made much difference.”
I notice a commotion further down the platform and fear grips my chest. “You don’t think the press knows, do you?”
“I’m sure they don’t. It’s probably just the morning rush. Villadorata’s a big city. It will have lots of commuters.”
I nod, drawing in a steadying breath.
I see a crowd gathering, but they aren’t looking at me. Relief washes through me.
“It must be a street performer or something,” I say, shifting my grip as we juggle my cases and move with the flow of people.
And then I see him.
I come to a dead stop, my bags slipping from my hands and falling with a thud to the platform.
Frederic.
He looks completely disheveled. His hair is mussed, his white shirt half-untucked, the buttons done up wrong, cuffs loose around his wrists. He looks nothing like the pristine, composed prince I know.
Through the crowds, his eyes find mine.
I suck in a sharp breath, my heart immediately slamming against my ribs.
My first thought is, what is he doing here? It’s followed instantly by another, far more dangerous one. I have never seen him look so handsome.
There’s something almost unreal about him now. Something reckless. Definitely romantic, like a hero stepping out of the pages of a book.
He strides toward me on his strong, athletic legs, his eyes barely leaving mine. People scramble after him and then it’s suddenly obvious. He’s who they’ve come to see.
He stops in front of me, his breathing shallow as his gaze locks onto mine with an intensity that steals the very air from my lungs. “Asti. I found you.”
“What are you doing here?” Somehow I manage to keep my voice steady as my heart thrashes in my ears like a fish on dry land.