Chapter 60
sixty
ASTRID
“Fuck you, Parker Westfall!”
The words were loud, harsh, and finite. Broken and battered, I sobbed as I raced outside. I fled up the street to my place, racing past Niall’s shoes by the door. I left Amara out of it, hearing them laughing in the den as I grabbed a beer and climbed the back stairs to my room.
A mess, I dialled Alexandra.
In French, I rambled, “Alex, sorry to call late. I need to cry, okay? Can I just cry?”
“Asti, sorry. Alexandra is passed out,” Rick said. “ Are you okay, sweetheart?”
It was like he knew something was wrong. Rather than be a loveable asshole, he flew into big brother mode.
“No,” I sobbed. “I am sorry. I’ll call back.”
“You don’t sound okay.”
“I just broke up with Parker, I think.”
“What? Why? You don’t have to tell me, but I’m up with a sick baby and… I have nothing but time.”
“She won’t go down? ”
“She wakes herself up. She’s got a fever. Lex and I are paranoid. Alexandra is so sick still. I told her to go to bed.”
“You have a nanny, remember?”
“When you have babies, you’ll understand, Astrid. It is scary.”
“I must take your word,” I said. “Fine, I just… I need to talk to someone.”
“Shoot, kid.”
I took a deep breath. “I love Parker—more than I could imagine loving anyone—but our advisor is moving to Edinburgh. He insists I come with.”
“Can’t you just… stay?”
“I can get another placement with someone else in the department. But it won’t be a good fit. I’ll be miserable, I worry. I only contemplated doing this because Briggs believed in me.”
“You should believe in yourself, Astrid. You are worthy.”
His words made me cry harder.
“Astrid, I didn’t mean to make you?—”
“No, it’s just… I don’t deserve all of this… support. You owe me nothing.”
“I’m family, and I believe in you, Astrid. Admire you. You make us all so proud, woman! So, yes, I need to champion you. You deserve that much, Astrid. And I am assuming Parker feels the same.”
“He shut down when I told him I planned to go.”
“Maybe he needs time.”
“He said that, but… what for? Either you know or you don’t, right?”
“Instantly?” Rick laughed. “Oh, sweetheart, that’s not how love works.”
“But I knew I loved him?—”
“You may know you are in love with someone, Astrid. I certainly did with your sister, and I can’t tell you why or how. I just did. But did it mean all was fine and perfect in an instant? No. We didn’t even like one another at first. Figuring out how to make it work is the hardest part. I gather both of you have issues with the future.”
“Why? ”
“Because you’ve both lost parents and struggle to see the future as happy. You cannot live in the moment.”
“How do you know that?”
I’d never considered that was possible.
“Because I know you, Astrid. And I know your sister. You both shut down. I’m a romantic. Alexandra is the one who struggles to say what she feels without fighting me.”
It was true.
“You aren’t too far off, Astrid.”
“Parker is shit with emotions—worse than me.”
“So you expect him to be better magically, then? Overnight, Asti?”
“I dunno.”
“Oh, Astrid, that’s silly. I love you bits, woman, but…”
“I’m not living in the real world?”
“Not in the least. Love is hard. Commitment is exhausting.”
“So you’re telling me not to?—”
“It is worth it, Astrid. It is worth the stress, the confusion, and the worry. Because the love, the happiness, and the security… they are worth it. I wasn’t sure about marrying Lex at first. It turned out to be all worth it. We got lucky, and you have, too. I like Parker for you. He’s awkward, but you appreciate his nerdiness. He handles you. He can keep up with you. That’s difficult, okay? You and I are alike. We need someone willing to hold us down.”
“Thanks, Rick.”
“Does that help, Astrid?”
“Nah. Not a bit. It muddies the waters because now I wonder if I should give in.”
“It’s not giving in to believe in something. It’s not giving in to love someone. It’s not giving in to wait someone out, trusting you know it can work out. Give him time to think through what happens next. He loves you, Astrid. Just like Alexandra loved me. I don’t regret my grovel-and-wait approach.”
Rick’s words were heavy, but I trusted they held a kernel of truth.