Chapter 25 #2
I closed my eyes, trying to push down the tears that threatened to fall. I drifted back to sleep, recounting the way that Birdie had felt in my arms in this exact spot and the fact that it would never be like that again.
I woke a few times throughout the day to feed Eugene, take more acetaminophen, and drink water.
That night was Cora’s birthday celebration and there was supposed to be a large dinner with Oliver’s suitors, but there was zero chance of me attending.
There was no way I could force myself to be anything other than miserable.
Maybe Oliver would care that I was absent, but I would deal with that later.
Guilt rose in my chest, but I pushed it away, numbing that part of me for the time being.
I heard my therapist’s voice in my head telling me that I needed to feel my emotions as they came, regardless of how much I wanted to ignore them.
I thought about how Birdie wouldn’t acknowledge any of her feelings except the fun, lighthearted ones.
I had recognized it from the first time she mentioned her mom and then quickly changed the subject.
It was evident that she hadn’t worked her way through her grief when I found her in the barn, not knowing where to start when the panic attack took hold.
It was clear to me because I had been there before. It had taken me years to sift through my own shit when my parents died. Hell, it took twice weekly appointments with Dr. Sanchez over the course of a year just to manage the panic attacks.
But I couldn't hold onto my anger at Birdie for not dealing with her stuff and then turn around and do the exact same thing. I couldn’t numb my feelings. I knew what I needed to do that day, and that was to sit with my feelings and feel them.
I would let all the tears come if they needed to. I would sit there in the dark and think about what it would have been like to have her choose me. I’d think about what it would have been like to have her stay and build a life with me. I’d think about how it would have been to have her be mine.
And once I had thought through all those things, I’d grieve what wasn’t and could never be and then lay them to rest, setting them on a leaf in a river and letting them sail away down the stream.
The morning sun rose, and I woke up physically feeling a little better, aside from the giant hole that had taken up residence in my chest. It felt as if something was missing.
Maybe it was my confidence, maybe it was the fact that the girl I loved had left without even saying goodbye. Maybe it was a bit of both.
I grabbed my gear and Eugene, and I headed over to the woodworking shop. I knew it would be one of the few places where I could sort through the shitstorm in my brain.
I pulled my truck up to the back of the shop, let Eugene out and unlocked the door. It was early and I was there even before Mr. Lewellen, though I knew he wouldn’t mind me letting myself in.
I flipped on the lights and started the small space heater in the corner.
After rearranging my tools on the table for a fourth time, I still couldn’t get settled or decide what to work on.
My mind wouldn't stop racing, and I knew that if I couldn’t focus on this, I’d only waste perfectly good materials and my own time.
“Come on, Eugene, let’s go out to the field.
” I put my coat back on and grabbed my pack with my axe, knives, and saw and threw it over my back.
The sled we kept around to haul whatever wood we chopped was leaning by the back door.
After dusting the snow off, I set it down on its rails so Eugene and I could start our mission of finding a way that we could both work out our pent-up energy.
My mind drifted to the last time I was at the workshop: it had been with Birdie.
My chest constricted when I couldn’t push aside the memory of what it had felt like to have my arms wrapped around her and the way that her breath had caught when I laid my hands over hers and showed her how to whittle.
Remembering moments like that, I knew in my heart that she felt more for me than she would admit, but the devil on my shoulder continued to insist that I wasn’t enough.
I had never been enough. I had never been enough for the women around court who only wanted Xavier and Oliver. I never felt like I did enough for our family. I never felt like I did enough around the palace or for my staff. And I hadn’t been enough to make Birdie stay.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out, reading the text message.
Vince
Birdie’s gone.
I’m aware.
What the fuck did you do to her, Knox? What is wrong with you?
Anger boiled in my chest. I turned my phone off and returned it to my pocket. Fuck you, Vince. You don’t even know the half of it.
I spotted a bare tree that looked like it was about to fall over. Clearly something had gotten hold of it and torn it to shreds. Probably a moose or buck shedding their antlers, or possibly a bear had tried to climb it, not realizing it was too fragile. I pulled out my axe and went to work.
Whack, whack, whack.
I’d never been enough.
Whack, whack.
I should have fought harder for her.
Whack, whack, whack.
I betrayed my best friend.
Whack, whack.
I’ll never be chosen for who I am and what I offer.
Whack, whack, whack.
I’ll be alone forever, and this is my lot in life.
Whack, whack, whack.
The tree fell and a few branches detached as it hit the ground. This was Eugene’s heaven. He scurried to grab one of the biggest branches and carried it over to me, setting it at my feet and giving an excited bark. I gave him a half smile and a pat behind his ear.
“Good job, buddy.”
I cut the rest of the branches off and piled them on the sled. Eugene chose a branch that was about four times his own length as the one he would carry himself.
The weight of pulling the sled back to the shop and the energy it took to cut down the tree had given me a brief respite from my wandering mind. I opened the back door to the workshop and was met with a large figure sitting at my worktable.
“We missed you at the rest of the party.” Oliver’s deep voice echoed through the room. “I was worried when I didn’t find you in your office at the palace this morning.”
“I’m fine,” I said as I carried a load of lumber into the room.
“You don’t look fine.”
“Yeah, well, I just chopped a tree down. I wouldn’t expect you to know what that looks like.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” I knew that I shouldn't take my anger out on Oliver, but the irritation took over as soon as I saw him.
“No. Go on. Tell me how you really feel.”
“I’m good.” I slammed down a pile of wood.
“Knox, don’t keep things from me. You’re my best friend; I’m here for you to talk to about all of this.”
“Ha!” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “You have a lot of nerve talking about keeping things from each other.”
“Whoa. Knox.” He put his hands up in front of his chest. “Let’s talk about this. I know a lot has happened.”
“Talk to you? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you how I’m pissed that you had Birdie come here for your competition, putting her off limits for me?
How I’m pissed that she kept choosing you over and over again?
Do you want to hear how I tried so hard not to fall in love with her and keep boundaries up because she was courting you, yet I still slept with her and the guilt ate away at me, all to find out that you were behind the scenes setting us up?
How about we talk about how you wouldn’t be upfront with me about having zero feelings for her, yet you kept on like you did, like she was a frontrunner.
Is that what you want to hear?” I took a deep inhale, catching my breath, hoping my heart would slow down.
I threw one last log onto the pile, silence and tension filling the room.
“Yeah. Let’s talk about all of that.” Oliver took his coat off and hung it on a hook on the wall. “I came here to apologize to you.”
“What?” I said, looking up from my worktable.
“I should have been upfront with what I was doing. I knew after the palace walk-around that there wasn’t a spark with Birdie and me. And the day that we spent at the school, I saw the way you kept looking at her while she was playing with the kids, especially Archer.”
He walked over to the miniature refrigerator in the corner, opened the door, and grabbed a soda. He walked back over to my worktable and took a seat on the extra stool, opening the bottle and taking a long swig.
“I finally knew that both of you were into each other the night of the auction. You should have seen the way her entire demeanor changed when you walked in with Gram. It’s like she came alive—she couldn’t stop smiling.
She had completely checked out of the conversation that we had been having to watch you walk down those stairs, mate.
But when Gram was telling the story about her and Granddad, she kept looking at you with guilt in her eyes.
That’s when I knew that you two needed some time together to sort your shit out.
I had planned on making a donation to the community gardens anyway, so I used the opportunity to bid for you on Birdie’s behalf. ”
My exasperation got the best of me, and I hit the worktable, shaking the tools that hung against the wall.
“Damn it, Oliver! You should have just been upfront about it all instead of trying to be some matchmaker behind the scenes.”
“I know!” he yelled back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t, but you weren’t either, Knox. You should have told me about your feelings for her. I would have stepped aside.”
I knew he was right, but I had been trying to put him first. I always put him first. I always did what was best for everyone around me.
If they could have made it right and worked it out, I would have stepped aside.
I would have done that for him. “You’re my best friend.
I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to jeopardize the competition. ”
“Yeah, and I’m your best friend,” he said, exasperated, “which is why you should have told me. There are plenty of other women who I could choose from. If you had feelings for her, you should have told me. It would have saved you a lot of guilt and heartache, mate.”
“She didn’t choose me. She chose you and being here for you over me. I wasn’t enough.” I wiped down the carving knife I had been cleaning and hung it up on the wall along with the other knives.
“What do you mean you’re not enough? You don’t believe that.”
“Why wouldn’t I believe that? It’s the truth.
For years I’ve watched as people have bypassed me to get to you and Xavier.
I’ve watched as you’ve had your pick of dates and parties and women.
I’ve always preferred to stay out of the spotlight, and it never bothered me until Birdie came along.
But I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for her to choose me over you. I wasn’t enough to make her stay.”
“Knox,” Oliver said, his voice softening. “Look at me, mate.”
I set the screwdriver I had been fiddling with down and looked at my brother. His gray eyes were full of emotion. I was unsure if it was hurt or pity.
“You’re more than enough. And I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt like you aren’t.
I couldn’t do life without you, Knox. You’re the only person who has ever seen me as a person first and not just a prince.
You’ve never treated me any differently, and I’m so sorry if I’ve ever made you feel less than.
You’ve given everything you have to me and my family.
You give your time, your loyalty, and your love to us, and I’m sorry if you have ever felt that wasn’t returned. ”
“Look,” I took a deep breath, shaking my head. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You and your family have been nothing but good to me. You’re the family that I was given when I lost mine, and I don’t want you to think I’ve taken that for granted or I’m ungrateful for you.”
“I’ve never thought that for a moment.”
“I’m sorry for going behind your back with Birdie and not being honest about my feelings.”
“Maybe we should make a therapy appointment to work on our communication skills.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that comment.
When Oliver and I were fifteen years old and Xavier had just turned eighteen, Leroy and Isobel had called in Dr. Sanchez to talk to us about the importance of communication and consent when we were with women.
It was essentially a huge sex talk that included how to communicate with your partner and voice your own needs.
It’s where I learned about the “enthusiastic yes” rule.
Oliver and I had laughed about it for years.
We had never heard of anyone else having the “birds and bees” talk with a licensed therapist, complete with charts and graphs.
Most of our peers would have been horrified to have to sit with two other guys and listen to your parents talk about sex, but Oliver and I just ran with it and made jokes about always having a clear line of communication open.
Yet he wasn’t wrong when he said that we should make an appointment with Dr. Sanchez.
I knew I could probably benefit from talking about everything going on right now.
I had thought that I had sorted out my problems with my self-worth when my parents passed, but clearly I needed a refresher on that—and on voicing my needs.
“I do think you’re right. I’ll make an appointment. All of this has fucked me up more than I realized,” I admitted. “I’m sorry for unloading on you. And I’m sorry for hiding everything from you. I thought I was protecting you.”
Oliver walked over to me and put his arms around me, engulfing me in a huge bear hug.
“I love you, brother.”
“I love you too, man.”