Chapter 27
Knock, knock.
My hands burned from the cold and the raps against the wood door of Archer’s house.
It had been a long week, and I hadn’t had any desire to leave my house unless it was necessary.
But having my annual Christmas Eve get-together with Archer’s family was necessary.
They had become an extension of my family and right now, I needed to be around people I loved.
Archer’s aunt, Dahlia, answered the door, and Eugene wasted zero time dashing in and making himself at home.
It always took me aback a little to see such a young woman taking care of three little children.
But she and her partner Jordan—both in their mid-twenties—made it work, and they made it work well.
As promised, I brought several jars of pickles along with an assortment of cheese and charcuterie and a plate of lemon cakes.
I unloaded the food in the kitchen first and then headed back out to my truck to grab my Christmas presents for the family.
After three trips to the truck, I was finally able to sit down next to the fire and start to warm up.
Archer’s youngest sister, a lively six-year-old named River, had made her way into my lap and we watched their reserved eight-year-old middle sister, Riley, play tug of war with Eugene.
My mind wandered to what it would be like to have kids of my own one day and if I would ever have these moments—Christmas traditions and nights at home with the fire going and kids playing happily in the living room.
I had wanted that with Birdie. I had been doing pretty well the last couple of days with not letting my mind go to those thoughts, especially after a session with Dr. Sanchez, but with the Christmas classics playing on Jordan’s vintage record player and River snuggled up in my lap with her wild curls tickling my nose, it was hard to push those intrusive thoughts away.
“Lunch is ready!” Dahlia called from the kitchen, and everyone bounded there and filled their plates in a buffet-style line.
After we were done eating and Eugene had made his rounds cleaning up the food the kids had “accidentally” dropped onto the floor, we went back into the living room, and I started handing out presents.
“I’m so excited to see what ornaments you made this year,” Dahlia said as I handed her a gift bag.
“I’m excited to see what books he got me!” Archer said.
“Wow. Am I that predictable in my gift giving?” I gave a half laugh.
The presents were handed out and mayhem ensued with wrapping paper and bags being tossed left and right as the kids tore into their presents.
“Oh my gosh, these are beautiful,” Dahlia whispered as she unwrapped the ornaments I had carved for her. I had spent two weeks in October in my woodshop carving Dahlia’s family into ornaments, making sure I got every facial detail correct.
“Let me see,” Jordan said, and Dahlia handed over the ornaments.
“Wow. Knox! These are amazing.”
“Thank you.” I smiled my first genuine smile in days.
“Auntie D, look!” Archer yelled, bringing Dahlia and Jordan out of their haze of joy. Archer held up two books from the World Book Encyclopedia set I had found and shipped back from New York a few months ago. “These are amazing!”
Dahlia looked over to me. Her eyes brimmed with tears, and one slid down her cheek. She set her hand over mine and gave a half smile.
“Thank you, Knox. You do so much for us, and I will never be able to thank you enough.”
“And you don’t need to. This is what family does.”
After another hour of excitement and playing, the girls had fallen asleep for their afternoon nap as Archer laid under the tree next to Eugene, reading his new books.
The alarm on my phone chimed, letting me know that it was time for me to leave so I could get back to the palace for Christmas Eve dinner.
Eugene and I returned to my little cottage and then started our trek through the snow-covered garden to the palace. Eugene trotted through drift after drift, covering himself in snow. Isobel will love that, I thought sarcastically.
I stopped a few yards outside the palace and looked up at it, taking in the huge exterior of the building.
I had grown up there, with it being the heart of some of my earliest memories.
It had always felt like home, a safe place.
But right then, with pieces of me chipped away, it was hard to want to be there when it was also the center of so many memories with Birdie.
As badly as I wanted to take a vacation and get away from everything for a little while, I knew that I couldn’t.
My family needed me. And even though Dr. Sanchez’s words came to mind about doing things for myself and not just giving myself completely over to the family, I still couldn’t just leave right then.
I also had to think about Oliver’s offer to be his Chief Counselor.
Was it what I wanted? I had given so much of myself to the country already, even if they didn’t know it.
Could I give more of myself and be happy?
In truth, happiness was the furthest thing from my mind in that moment.
I knew that I would be okay again one day, but that day seemed so far away.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, alerting me to a text message.
Oliver
You on your way yet?
Yeah. Walking up right now.
Ok. Meet me in my office.
Eugene and I wound our way through the palace and up the stairs.
When we hit the landing, Eugene took off in a sprint toward Oliver’s office door.
At first, I just thought he had the zoomies, but when he started sniffing the door and scratching at it, my hackles raised.
Afraid something was wrong, I hurried to the door and didn’t even knock.
“Oliver?” I said as I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks. A beautiful chestnut-haired woman leaned against the desk and looked across the room at me with those big hazel eyes.
“Hi.” She gave a soft, tentative smile.
I knew I should say something, anything. Ask her what she was doing here. Ask her why she’d left. Ask her what she was thinking. But while my brain was working overtime, my mouth wasn’t working at all.
Eugene barked happily and ran to her, weaving through her legs like an oversized cat and rubbing himself against her. She leaned down and scratched his favorite spot behind his ears.
“Hi, Eugene. I missed you, too.” She looked up at me after giving Eugene one more scratch. “Can we talk?” She had a mix of hope and fear in her eyes. Was she afraid that I would say no?
I nodded and walked fully into the room, closing the door behind me. I stood in front of her, giving her a little space. After all, the last time we had talked, space was what she had wanted.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
She knotted her fingers together and threaded the bottom of her sweater through them.
“Oliver came to New York and asked me to come back.”
My stomach fell to the floor. Oliver had flown back to get her? After our whole talk in the woodshop, and after everything he knew, he went to bring her back here? Was he still trying to pursue her? No, he wouldn’t do that. Was he trying to meddle and play matchmaker again?
“Why?” was all I could muster up to ask. I don’t even know if I truly wanted to know the answer.
“He offered me the art curator job at the palace.”
Of course he did. “I think you’d be perfect for that job.
” And she would—they had been looking high and low for someone to fill the opening but hadn’t found anyone who fit the bill.
But the thought of having to see her day in and day out and not be able to be with her was going to kill me.
And if I had to see her date someone else and live happily with someone that wasn’t me, I didn’t know what I would do.
I would go crazy. But I also wanted her to be fulfilled in her life and if this did that for her, then I would just find other places to be.
She smiled a little and then nodded.
“I told him I’d only accept on one condition, though.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
She took a step toward me and looked me in my eyes.
“That you forgive me.” She looked down at the thread she was fiddling with and then back up to me.
“I know that it’s a huge ask because I was really shitty, Knox.
I said some nasty things to you, and I need to apologize.
” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said and for how I hurt you.
You were right about everything. I do shut down my feelings.
I have been terrified to open myself up.
I’m working on that. In fact, I’ve made myself a virtual therapy appointment, thanks to you.
But most of all, you were right—I do have feelings for you.
I love you, Knox, and I know that I hurt you deeply, and you may not feel the same way anymore.
I wouldn’t ask you to. You just need to know that I’m so sorry for hurting you, and I hope that one day you can forgive me.
I can’t choose working for Oliver without knowing that you’re okay with it and that you know how I feel. ”
She loves me.
“You love me?” I asked.
“That’s what you’re focusing on?” She let out a little laugh.
“Yeah.”
“Yes, I love you. I shouldn’t have run away from you or my feelings. You have helped me more in these past few months than anyone has in the last thirteen years since I lost my mom. You saw through all of my bullshit and still seemed to like me anyway. You make me want to do and be better, Knox.”
“I love you, too.” I smiled and took a step toward her.
“Do you think you can forgive me?”
“Done.” I took another step toward her. “Just don’t run away again. Promise you will stay, even if it gets hard.”
“I promise.” She took a step forward and we were chest to chest, our breaths syncing. I leaned my head down and set my forehead on hers.
“And don’t think I missed that comment about going to therapy. I’m proud of you.”
She smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered.