23. Chapter 23
Michaela
H e inhaled two stacks without taking a breath, I swear. And then a third at a normal pace. Had anyone fed him since my mom?
“They’re not as good as Mom’s,” I lamented as I set my first plate aside.
“They’re better.” Fitz held his stomach and fell back onto the couch. The fire crackled and snapped. “What did you used to say when you ate too many?”
I patted my stomach, flattered and humiliated at the same time that he remembered. “I called it my pancake baby.”
His infectious grin spread wider. “Yes, well, I’m having triplets, apparently.”
“You’re positively glowing,” I assured him.
“If Mother could see me now.” Fitz meant to make a joke, but I felt the weight in his words.
“Is everything okay?”
With one hand, he waved me off, but he faced the fire, not me. Did he know instinctively, like I did, that we could see the lies in each other? No way could he convince me that everything was fine.
“Fitz,” I tried again with more pressure to break him.
“Our…” he hesitated before he selected the right word, “dalliance in the snow was captured by the filming crew without our knowledge.”
What a fancy way of mentioning that our flirty moment might have been broadcast to the whole kingdom.
“My parents were less than pleased at the notion of their son developing feelings for an American.” His jaw shifted side to side as he struggled with his frustration. “They want me to stay away from you whenever possible.”
I shook my head, not seeing the issue. “Fitz, that’s silly. I mean, we were goofing off and it was a charged moment. It’s not like you’ve—“ His face turned toward mine, sincerity and desperation churning in the depths of his dark eyes. I couldn’t finish the sentence, not the way I intended. Because I saw that what I was about to say, ‘developed romantic feelings for me,’ had already happened. “Fitz, I—”
“You’re right, obviously.” He cleared his throat and shifted his gaze to the fire’s flames again. “It was a moment, a passing surge of hormones, not to be confused with real or lasting feelings.” He plowed on without stopping, though I felt like it needed more clarification. “And, while I promised I would keep my distance, clearly I was telling fibs. As long as you’re here, I plan on spending whatever time I can with you.”
Words escaped me for a moment, too stunned by his low-key confession. We weren’t going to address it? Combine that with the conversation I overheard and my plans to investigate with Bishop and I felt completely split in three directions.
“You said she was upset,” I probed the idea carefully, “but what does that mean exactly?”
He looked at his hands, grimacing like he hadn’t planned to tell me. “She ordered you to leave, claimed you were going to steal the crown, throw the kingdom into turmoil,” Fitz glanced up and shook his head, “and it didn’t help one bit that my dodgy cousin was front row for all of it, always tossing in his bits and bobs on the topic.”
“Bishop?” That caught my attention. “He was a part of this?”
The interior of his eyes tightened. “He mentioned you’d met. Said it was…” Fitz stretched his jaw to the side as if to undo a knot, “hot.”
I rolled my eyes. “I almost set myself on fire between a jetlagged nap and the open hearth in the library. Bishop just showed up at the right time to put out the flames.”
The answer didn’t fully satisfy Fitz, not by a long shot. “He has this way about him, creating problems wherever he goes. If ever a snood was made real, it would be Bishop. Trickery and manipulation, that’s him.” Fitz rubbed his palm over his sleepy eyes. “You know, he even managed to coerce my mother into admitting that she’d entertained taking the throne for herself.”
I held my breath, realizing instantly why Bishop had pushed her. We didn’t know what was in the shipment, but if it had to do with the king’s mysterious sickness, and she happened to be lined up to rule… My heart twisted at the thought. Could his mother be that cruel? History said yes, but I ached to be wrong.
“Don’t fret, Coco.” Fitz sensed my distress but interpreted it incorrectly. “It doesn’t matter, I wasn’t going to send you home, not before I—“ Our eyes met again, and his voice trailed off as something sparked to life between us. “Hypothetically speaking…” a moment’s hesitation only increased the tension between us, “do you ever feel like my mother’s concerns are… relevant? About us, I mean.”
Fitz
Waiting for her answer felt as though I was waiting for either reciprocation or retaliation. I’d been watching my father try to build trust and goodwill between Nolcovia and other countries, and yet I’d never held my breath like I did as I searched her face for a response.
After all, her parted lips could mean she was gob smacked, totally taken aback by the question, even if I lacked the gumption to ask it outright. It could mean that she planned to wallop me upside the head for my backward thinking as well. Wide eyes, the sharp inhale of breath, it all held double meaning and gave me nothing to cling to as the seconds ticked painfully by.
“Hypothetically,” she pressed her lips together but only for a moment, “I’m not sure it matters, Fitz.”
“What if it matters to me?” Where had this bravery come from? I leaned forward, cutting the space between us. “What if I find it important, independent of the situation at hand?”
I sounded like a diplomat, dancing around the real topic, looking for information, but never confessing what I truly meant. I despised their cowardly ways, and yet I lacked enough courage to say it outright.
“But it won’t change anything, Fitz.” Her mouth tightened as if the vault was closing, secrets locked away forever. “As much as you want to say I’m a part of this competition, in reality, I can’t be. I’m not noble—“
“I made you noble the first night,” I corrected her.
“In ceremony,” Michaela stated. “I’m not a citizen. I’m American. Your parents would never approve. There are probably thirty laws about dating a foreigner, let alone marrying one.”
Her words conjured a vision in my mind. Coco dressed in white, a veil over her face, the crown perfectly perched as though it belonged. I had the dream not long after she’d arrived, but I forgot it until I was triggered. Was it possible?
“We’ve been friends for, well longer than I’ve been friends with anyone, really.” I didn’t like her tone, final and consolatory. “The idea of risking that… I mean, look at what happened between you and Gwen. You can hardly look at her anymore.” Pain pulled on her eyes. “I can’t lose you, Fitz.”
“You’re saying, then, we’re better as friends?” I couldn’t help the pang of hurt in my voice “You wouldn’t want to pursue it?”
“Want is the wrong word.” I recognized the way she’d dodged my true question. “What I want isn’t relevant right now. I’m here to help you pick a wife,“ her eyes closed as wrinkles appeared in her brow, “not become your wife.”
Regret seized in my chest for bringing it up in the first place. She was probably right. Too much of a risk to put our friendship on the altar in hopes that the sacrifice would yield the reward even with all that was in our way.
“But, to answer your question,” something in her voice gave me hope, “yes, I believe your mother has every right to be concerned about…” she motioned between us, “…this.”
Michaela
Why did I say that? I’d managed to hold it together. Smother out all my own feelings and give a truly logical answer. He was even buying it, and then I saw that puppy-dog look in his eyes, the same one I saw when he got cut from the high school baseball team, or the time Jaslyn Moore turned him down for a date, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
I had to fix this before it got out of hand.
“But,” I held up a finger to stall his runaway thoughts, “since we have determined I am not a viable answer, the question is: Who is on your short list?”
He frowned, not loving the way I’d shut him down. “I honestly don’t know. The only option that truly excites me as of late just turned on a bit of a cold shower.”
“A shower of logic, and you know it.” I pointed my finger at him like a disappointed schoolteacher, but he snatched it and kept hold, lacing our fingers. As my nerves threatened to rise, I swallowed back my racing heart and focused. “Blair? Sadie? Gwen?”
“Blair is interesting and challenging, but in a good way. Sadie intrigues me. Gwen is… comfortable.”
“Chantal?”
“Surprising,” he admitted quickly. “A side of her I never saw in our time together.”
“Eirene? Minny? Dagny?”
“Minny cheers me, and there’s value in that. Eirene could bring out the best in me and exact change in the kingdom that is sorely deserved. And Dagny, she will always keep me laughing.”
I frowned. “Other than Eirene, you haven’t said much about their character.”
“I suppose not, but in such limited time, is it to be expected to understand them at that level?”
Though it was probably frowned upon, I had to disagree with the Crown Prince. “Not with the dates you’ve been setting up, it’s not. Everything has been shopping or playing games. Anyone can play nice in those circumstances.”
“What do you suggest?” His thumb rubbed lazily over my hand, likely unconscious for him, but distracting for me.
“Service. I’ve known many pageant queens over the years and the measure that sets the good apart from the great is how truly devoted they are to their philanthropic work.” I shrugged. “Imagine what you could learn watching them work instead of play.”
He took time to process the idea, but slowly Fitz began to nod. “I have an idea, but I’ll have to make a call tomorrow.” The length of his fingers laced between mine again. “You forgot a name from your list though, dear wingman.”
Taken aback, I frowned. “No, I didn’t.”
A shadow of mischief crossed his expression. Leaning forward, I thought he was going to sit up and send me packing for my supposed lapse in memory, but with a tug to my arm, he urged me closer. “What about Michaela? You never asked what I thought about her.”
A log fell in the fire, but posed no threat, rolling backward and giving me no excuse to pull away. “Maybe I already have an idea.”
“Then indulge me,” Fitz whispered as he leaned back into the corner of the couch, pulling me with him as he went until I sprawled over his chest just like the other night.
“But,” I protested as I gave into the request, “I’ll squash your pancake babies.”
“It’s worth it,” he mumbled as my head came to rest against his chest. He sank deeper into the corner of the couch, but this time, instead of being pinned between him and the couch’s crevice, I lay almost entirely across half of his body. All things considered, it wasn’t my smartest decision, but life before with Fitz had always been easy and this was no different.
His hand stroked the length of my hair, fingers barely raking through the curls. So much had already happened, and the way Fitz was acting, I got the feeling the night was far from over. And if I left to join Bishop on our secret mission, the night would stretch even longer still.
I didn’t want to dwell on that. Instead, I thought about the morning we’d spent in the snow together. I never did find out the full history behind our little reenactment.
“Fitz, will you tell me the story of the battle at Nolcovian Gorge?” I lifted my head to face him, chin propped up on my fist against his chest. “According to Dagny, it reads more like a children’s fantasy.”
“I thought you’d remember.” A faint sadness glinted in his eyes. “I told you a long time ago. One of those nights we spent watching the stars.”
“I was a dumb teen and probably half asleep. Tell me again. Maybe it’ll jog my memory.” I waited patiently, hopeful that he would change his mind.
“Very well.” His head rocked back, but his arms tightened around me, fingers trailing absentmindedly over my back as the fire crackled and snapped as a soundtrack. “Years ago, my great-great-great-,” he groaned, “I don’t know how many, but suffice to say, it was ages ago, grandfather, Drysden Fitzborough, believed in creating a place where people could live in peace and harmony. This land was stuck in a constant struggle because of evil King Sagure.” Fitz drew in a deep breath, and I rose and sank with it. “Drysden wasn’t exactly a king back then, but he was a great military leader. He knew the abuse of King Sagure’s people wasn’t right, and he resolved to liberate them.”
I felt the need to interrupt. “Is there a princess in this story? It sounds like there should be a princess.”
Chuckling at the thought, Fitz agreed with me. “Her name was Nolcola. But she wasn’t a princess. She was a common orphan who tended the herds of King Sagure. She’d caught the king’s eye, but in spite of his many advances, she stayed determined to stay in her station.”
“And Drysden took a fancy to her?“ I made sure to add his accent where needed for good measure.
“They met young. She defended him against some robbers who’d caught him off guard. Together they prevailed against the enemy, and his heart was never the same. For the next five years, Drysden would meet her in secret to steal time with the young maiden. All the while, King Sagure continued to try to lure Nolcola to be his bride.” Fitz shook his head. “But she was a woman of integrity, and no money or threat could change her love for Drysden.”
“This has some real Romeo and Juliet vibes. The future King Fitzborough on one side,“ I poked his chest with my finger then poked him again, “and a common goatherder on the other.”
“Sheep,” he corrected. “The flock she tended was sheep.”
Silly me, assuming it was goats. Not like I had a few clues to push me in that direction or anything.
“Then what's with all the goats all over the kingdom?” I didn’t have to wave my arm very far to point to at least three goat-head emblems in the room.
My gentle mocking annoyed him. Obviously, I hadn’t learned enough respect for the revered animal.
“Hush and listen.” His palm pressed my head back against his chest, but it stayed put, tangled in my hair as he spoke. “Finally, Drysden could take no more and he led his army against the army of King Sagure. They met outside the gorge and Drysden drove them back until they retreated behind the city walls.” I closed my eyes and listened to the deep rumble of his voice within his chest as he continued the story. “Drysden needed to get his army through the walls that surrounded the city, but after two days of brutal battle, his army was depleted and Sagure reigned stronger every day.”
His finger hooked behind my ear and pushed the hair away, tickling the edge of my ear as he trailed his finger toward my neck.
“As you pointed out, Drysden and Nolcola couldn’t be together because of their kingdom’s fierce feud, but they met in the forest often, taking the hidden trails and relying on the spirits that haunted the woods to protect them.” His chest bounced once with a light laugh. “Like my mother, Nolcola believed in the unseen. She felt that the war would be won not with battle cries, but with the strength of something beyond our realm.”
Fitz ceased his movement and set his open palm between my shoulder blades as if to hold me closer.
“Legend says, it was the final night before the greatest battle that he snuck away to spend his last moments with his love, cradled beneath a silver willow tree, resting much like we are right now. Drysden knew the next day would be his end and he wanted every second of freedom to be spent with her.”
The story paused, leaving nothing but our joined breathing to fill the air. It was as though he wanted to know what it felt like, how his predecessor had survived that night knowing what would come with the morning light. The air chilled as if those spirits from his ancestry had been summoned by his words.
To be with him, reliving the past, cradled in his arms like his ancestors had once been… I couldn’t put words to it. The reverence, the peace, the chills that ran up my spine as his palm rubbed the length of my back again, it was a moment I knew I would never forget.
“According to our lore,” he started again, though his voice had dropped to something shy of a whisper, “Nolcola’s grief became so strong, knowing she would lose her one true love, that her heartache split the realm between our world and the world of the spirits, causing a rift beneath the tree that worked as a doorway for the mystical and supernatural. Forever indebted to her for their freedom, the spirits pledged their service to their new queen as she slumbered in her lover’s arms.”
I drew closer, feeling a connection to Nolcola even if I’d never met her before. The fierce need to protect the ones I loved resonated with me. That was why I came to Nolcovia in the first place, to keep Fitz safe, ensure his happiness, and protect him from potential heartache.
The faint touch of his trailing fingers followed the curve of my shoulder blade, slid along the edge of my shoulder, then traced the length of my arm until Fitz cupped my hand in his. “When Drysden woke the next morning, Nolcola was gone. He assumed she had fled, not eager to face their fate or see his demise at the hands of her king. He took his place at the head of the army that had once been thousands but had dwindled to a few hundred. They knew their end drew near, but he faced it with courage. As the trumpets sounded,” Fitz pressed my palm against his chest, warmed by the strength of his own hand that covered it, “they charged.”
Fear almost kept my voice silenced, but I needed a happy ending. “And true love triumphed and saved them all?”
“No.” A weight came to rest against the top of my head, as if Fitz had pressed his cheek against my hair. “It was a bloodbath. King Sagure fought with the savagery of fifty men, ruthless and unyielding. Drysden’s final hope of survival hung by a thread as King Sagure took him by the hair and pulled his sword back to lop off the head of the one who dared to defy him. Drysden’s army faced extinction at the hands of the ones they were trying to liberate. All had been lost.”
“This is a dark turn, Fitz.” I opened my palm enough that his fingers slipped between mine and locked together. “How did he escape?”
“Love,” Fitz whispered. “Because, back at the wall, Nolcola watched in horror, unable to help. She cried out for her true love with every fiber of her being and the spirits were summoned in full force.” His grip on my hand tightened. “They took control of her herd, entering the sheep to give them unworldly strength—“
“Like the Eonix and the snoods,” I answered quickly, excited I knew something.
“No,” he corrected gently. “Eonix are built from the evil deeds of mankind, but the Limadith, they were created from the best of the world and they took possession of Nolcola’s herd.” I felt his head shake as if he knew how crazy this sounded. “The rams at the head of the herd ran full force at the gates, splintering them in the process, and then fought valiantly to save Drysden’s men.”
“But he was about to be headless, how did he—“
“I told you.” Fitz squeezed my hand tighter. “Love.” He drew in a slow breath and tightened his opposite arm around me. “There is one last type of spirit that was loosed from the other realm. One that can only be called by an act of selfless love. Because as Nolcola charged into battle, unarmed, untrained, but determined to save Drysden, the Aoger were released. The souls of the most valiant warriors who’d ever lived. The army of King Sagure was wiped out in minutes, leaving Drysden in the arms of his one true love while his army shouted her praises—“
“Haishee,” I finished for him. “She is mighty.”
“Haishee. Yes,” Fitz whispered against my hair, “she is.”
“So, all these goat heads around the palace and in the city…”
“Ram heads,” Fitz corrected as he finished my thought. “They’re all in tribute to Nolcola and her sacrifice for the kingdom. Even the name of our country speaks of her and the power she brought to the crown.”
My head started to shake. “She was a commoner and she was an outsider, part of the old kingdom.”
I felt his muscles tense. “But she saved everyone and unified the new country under Drysden Fitzborough.”
In that context, I understood why his mother was fighting for her right to the crown. There was precedence and history.
Using our joined hands, I pressed against Fitz’s chest to bring my head up to face him. “You don’t see the glaring contradictions? A woman saved all of them, but women aren’t allowed to rule. Your parents are freaking out about noble blood and whether or not the one you choose to marry will be from your kingdom…” My protest trailed off as I realized I was giving too much away. After all, I was the only foreign option. The argument would only benefit me.
Cold drifted in to fill the space as Fitz removed his other hand from my back. Gingerly, his fingers traced the outside of my face. “But it’s also why I am forced to marry. Drysden on his own was not complete. The king is nothing without his queen.” His touch curved around my chin, bringing his thumb to rest against my bottom lip. “I’m starting to understand why.”
“But she was common,” I said softly, watching his gaze drop to my lips, transfixed. “And she was foreign.”
“And she was smart,” Fitz agreed as he applied pressure, urging me closer. “And beautiful.” He swallowed hard, looking more desperate by the second. “And she saw things he never could. Understood the world in ways that normally left him blind.”
Our bodies shifted as he leaned toward me. The rustle of fabric fuzzed up the air as he tried to find a better position. On instinct, I slipped backward, moving to my knees, one on either side of his leg as I sank into the couch cushion. With my lips parted, breath shallow, and heart thudding like the uncontrolled beat of a horse at a dead run, I felt paralyzed between the choice of advancing or retreating. His lips called to me, but that direction would be laced with pain and heartache.
“All he saw was love, Coco.” He followed my movement, stealing back the space I put between us. “And it was worth the risk.” Grip firmly locked around my chin, Fitz moved to close the gap between us. Our lips brushed and the world went electric.
I couldn’t.
This had to be wrong.
But if it was, why didn’t it feel wrong?
“Fitz, I—“ I didn’t have an excuse or a reason to stop, not really, not when my mind and heart were screaming at me to put the gas pedal to the floor. “What about…”
Was I really going to cite the crown? His parents? The country? At the moment, none of that seemed important. All that mattered was him and me, and how we’d landed at this place where the next step looked like the path I’d been searching for my whole life.
“I have to know, Michaela.” His eyes searched mine for consent to cross the boundary we’d kept for over a decade. “It’s worth the risk.”
The last of my willpower eroded into grains of worry, all swept aside by the waves of passion that overtook me as his lips at last captured mine. All logical thought vanished. My fingers locked into his shirt, keeping him close, not that I needed to, not while his arms pressed me against his body, thirsty for another full drink of my kiss. My heart went into an all-out gallop, thundering along, matching the rhythm of his need. Hands tunneled into my hair, Fitz deepened the kiss, eager and ready to accept all I was willing to give. Lightning flashed through my veins, the sensation of his lips on mine like nothing I’d ever felt before.
Was it our history? Our connection? The fire? Warmth of his touch against my chilled skin? What had unlocked this pathway to another world that I had never imagined? Chills ran over my skin and Fitz pulled away, breath rising and falling with his chest as he faced me.
But like all good fairytales, it had to end. Pain creased his brow. Muscles pulsated at his jaw as he gritted his teeth over and over. I knew what he was going to say even before he said it.
The story he’d told me, it was just that… a story. The truth was probably in there somewhere. No spirits, no superpowered rams, just an old-fashioned hostile takeover and a country named after the queen. With the passing years, they’d romanticized it to bring peace to any conscience that felt guilt for the blood spilled. Easier to dilute the ugly and give it a moral to show that love conquered all.
We couldn’t be so lucky. There was no path for us. No way for him to do what needed to be done, taking the throne in his father’s place, and still choose me to be his forever.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I understand.”
Fitz shook his head, but it barely registered. “It’s not fair.”
“No,” I agreed. “It’s not.” Forcing a smile into place, I tried to find courage. “But at least we still have each other, right?”
“Michaela…” Tears glistened in his eyes, enhanced by the dying light of the fire.
I cupped his cheek with my palm. “You’ll always have me, Fitz. I’ll always be your friend.” Needing space, I set my feet to the ground and started to stand. His hand took hold of my arm, anchoring me in place before I could leave.
“You don’t have to go.” Fitz tugged on my arm, urging me back to him. “I thought you could stay over, like the other night.”
I searched the room, seeking an excuse to pull away from the pain that waited in his arms. If I fled now, maybe I had a chance of forgetting how I’d felt only a moment ago. My gaze landed on a clock. Twenty minutes until midnight.
“But imagine if someone saw us.” I tried to appeal to his logical nature. “You made a promise, but you know how it would look if—“
His grip fell away, cutting me short. “You’re right. It’s selfish to put you at risk.”
It wasn’t a lie. If someone found us wrapped up in each other, even if it was innocent…
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I didn’t know how to navigate this new world, the one where I understood the rush in my veins was a product of something deep that connected me to him in a manner I’d never experienced before. How could I go back to living my life when I had something like this to compare it to?
“Tomorrow,” Fitz agreed with a nod. He twisted, setting his feet to the floor, but he made no move to stand. “Goodnight, Coco.”
That helped. Remembering I was Coco felt important. I’d fallen off track somehow, but he needed me to stay in my lane. Michaela was the one who’d kissed him, but Coco would always be his friend.
At least, that’s what I told myself as I stepped inside the secret passageway. Before I slipped fully through the doorway, I cast a final look toward Fitz.
He leaned forward, the dying light of the fire casting a red glow over his frame as he dropped his head to his chest and ran his fingers through his hair.
I couldn’t help but feel like I’d failed him.
Like somehow things could never be the same again.