14. Forced to Confront Feelings
Chapter fourteen
Forced to Confront Feelings
Sawyer
I had never seen my therapist rattled before. Dr. Lozano’s eyes practically bugged out of her head as I confessed to the debacle my trip to the animal shelter had turned into. Her lips pressed into a thin line, probably to contain the admonishment I’m sure she wanted to spit at me. Still, she stayed silent until I finished.
“Well?” I asked, twisting my hands together and biting my lip.
Dr. Lozano cleared her throat and tapped her pen on her thigh. She let out a deep sigh. “You said you got through your entire second shift at the shelter without having a panic attack?”
“I… suppose… technically…” I hedged.
Her eyebrows rose, and she nodded at me to go on.
“I got startled by an off-leash Chihuahua. I wouldn’t call it a panic attack—more pure terror,” I said, downplaying the way I’d run away like a huge coward. “But I was on my way out, anyway.”
“What would you have done if it had happened in the middle of your shift?” Dr. Lozano asked.
I paused and considered it for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe if it hadn’t been a Chihuahua, I think I would have been fine.” I told her the story of the dog charging me at the beach and Neil stepping in to save the day.
“Hmmm…” Dr. Lozano scribbled in her notepad. “Interesting. Not the path I would have suggested you take.” She paused and gave a little shake of her head with a smile. “But it sounds like it’s working for you.”
“Oh.” I blinked, sure she would imply I was an idiot, which I totally agreed with.
“Did I say the wrong thing? Were you looking for an excuse to quit?” Dr. Lozano gave me a wry smile. “Or were you expecting me to get mad at you?”
“I’m not sure? Both?” I considered for a moment. “Yes, both, actually.”
A peal of laughter burst out of Dr. Lozano. “Far be it for me to tell you what to do. As a therapist, I only give suggestions and recommendations. Getting angry at someone you’re trying to help will only make them dig in their heels further.”
“Good.” I grinned back at her. “Maybe you can say that in a letter for me to give to a pushy volunteer coordinator?”
“Neil, correct?” Her pen tapped her leg again at my nod. “Let’s talk about him.”
I sat back, feeling dizzy like she’d twirled me in a circle. My hands went sweaty. “Oooh, look at the time. We’ll have to talk about him next week.” I stood up.
Dr. Lozano pursed her lips. “We still have ten minutes left. Plenty of time.”
I flopped back onto the couch and put my arm over my eyes.
“I get the feeling you don’t want to talk about him.”
Leave it to a therapist to zero in on the thing I don’t want to talk about. “I know he was being controlling by trying to insist I quit volunteering, but he was just trying to protect me.”
“Yes.” Her sharp tone made me sit up and lower my arm. “Odd for a man you’ve met what, three times, four, including your ‘not’ date, to be so insistent about protecting you?”
“It wasn’t a date,” I insisted reflexively.
“That was a very forceful denial.”
I glared at her.
“I see I’ve hit a nerve.” Her wicked smile and the gleam in her eye scared me. She’d known exactly what she was doing. “Would it be so bad if it were a date?”
“Ye—” I cut myself off. After a year of therapy, I’d learned to be honest with myself and my therapist. “No,” I admitted. “It wouldn’t.”
“So why not ask him out? Make it an official date next time.”
“With me volunteering there, he’s like my boss.” I flopped back again and blew out a breath. “If I asked him out, he’d have said no.”
“Makes sense. This Neil sounds like a very professional man.” Pen tap. “Do you think his insistence that you quit might have an ulterior motive?”
“Other than protecting me?” I said, turning things over. “I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter anyway because he has a pet dog. Hard to date a guy when you can’t go to his house or even drop by his work to say hello.”
“Oh? Just a moment ago, you said you were improving. ”
“Well…” I stammered.
Dr. Lozano’s phone beeped. “Time’s up. Until next week’s session, I want you to think about both your and Neil’s motivations.”
“Are you kidding me?” I grumbled as she ushered me out.
After returning to my car, I sat for a moment, hands on the wheel, considering if I should drive to the shelter and just ask Neil why he wanted to protect me so badly. But if he was doing it subconsciously, he might not have any idea what I was talking about, and I might drive him further away than I’d already seemed to.
When I got overwhelmed by feelings like this in the past, I did one of two things: surfing or drawing. Since I still wasn’t sure what my reaction would be if I ran into unleashed dogs on the beach—which was a major possibility—I ended up back home on my tablet.
I worked on some fun shots of the characters from Faerly Hunter , drawing them surfing, running, and playing on the beach. Almost as good as being there myself. Except not really.
My phone buzzed with a text from Frankie. She’d been bugging me since she saw me with Neil, telling me to ask him out on a real date. I could ignore her , but she had also told Diego , an old friend of mine who was a popular drag queen. And who also happened to be the biggest gossip in Gaynor Beach, so now there wasn’t anyone in the local gay community who didn’t know about my crush.
My only consolation was that my newfound fear of dogs remained a secret. Somehow.
Another buzz of an incoming text, this one from Leon, asked to meet up for dinner. Talking to him yesterday, I found out the friend he was crashing with lived very close to my place in Oakdale. I arranged to meet him at my favorite local Mexican place and then invited Hector as well.
Leon already had a seat and waved at me from his booth. I waved back before getting in line to order.
As I slid into the booth, Leon offered me a first bump. “Hey man, what happened yesterday?”
I grimaced as I bumped him back. “I choked.”
I’d seen Leon coming out the door in my rearview as I sped away, but I’d been too embarrassed to stop and talk to him.
“I saw. I’m a little surprised you agreed to meet with me today. I thought you’d still be licking your wounds.” Leon laughed and took a sip of his soda.
“I wanted some advice,” I said.
“About how to ask out Neil? I gave you my advice about that yesterday, man.”
I shook my head. “No, but I’m going to wait until Hector gets here, so I only have to tell the story once.” Leon hadn’t met Hector yet, but I’d told him about it during our shift yesterday.
Hector showed up about the time our food did. I’d ordered for both of us when I arrived, so I slid his usual over to him. I introduced Leon and Hector to each other, and then we all went silent as we ate.
Leon finished first and leaned back in the booth, a smirk on his face. “Time to spill.”
I told them Neil was pressuring me to quit volunteering because of my fear of dogs. Hector already knew because he was with me when I got bit and also because he’s my best friend and I tell him everything. I also told them about my therapist’s cryptic words about Neil having an ulterior motive.
Leon was shaking his head by the end, and Hector slapped his forehead.
“Sawyer, I love you, man,” Hector said as he ran his hand down his face. “But you can be so dense. Like in high school when that football player practically followed you around school with his tongue hanging out, panting like a dog, but you didn’t believe me when I told you he was into you.”
“I had self-esteem issues in high school, you know that. He was a popular jock, and I was the class nerd obsessed with Marvel Superheroes. Of course, I thought you were pranking me.”
“What Hector means to say,” Leon interrupted my rant, “is that Neil is into you, too.”
“He is?” I glared at him. “Are you sure?”
“Granted, I just met him yesterday, but my impression is he’s a bit of an uptight guy. Professional, too,” Leon said. “I bet since he’s your supervisor, he considers you off-limits.”
I stared at Leon and then turned my gaze to Hector, who shrugged. “Sounds like a fair bet to me.”
“Fuck me,” I said, shoving my tray away to put my head on the table. “Now I feel dumb.”
“Don’t feel bad.” Hector rubbed my back. “Just quit volunteering and ask him out. Easy, peasy.”
I held up two fingers without moving my forehead from the table. “Two problems with that. One, I turn into a gibbering fool around Neil when I try to ask him out—”
“Can confirm.” Leon bopped me on the back of the head with his soda cup.
I gave Leon the finger. “And two, he has a pet dog. My fear is getting better, but I’m not up for dealing with that yet.” But even saying that out loud, I wanted to try. For Neil, I could confront a dog.