Chapter 13
THEA
I’m numb and feeling too much all at the same time as I leave the doctor’s office.
My shift at the lodge starts in an hour so I don’t have much time to pull myself together.
I don’t remember the drive home or the quick change into my work clothes, and suddenly, I find myself already parked at the lodge and frozen in my seat, unable to move now that I’m here.
I can’t deal with a heat, an apparently complicated heat, on top of everything else.
My thoughts are going in twenty different directions, but I can’t let them distract me.
I have to get through work, if I give them an inch I’ll fall apart like I did with the doctor.
A wave of embarrassment washes over me. I can’t believe I broke down like that with him.
And what was with his scent? Pine. So strong you think I was in the middle of a forest. I swear it made me go temporarily insane.
I’ve lied and gotten suppressants when I shouldn’t have many times but being surrounded by his scent makes my brain wander and I end up blurting out the first thing that pops in my head.
I do know he’s right though, that taking more suppressants likely wouldn’t have done anything especially if they’re failing months early.
I did look up online quickly to see if long-term suppressant use really is life threatening and what I read quickly did confirm it; not that I didn’t believe him.
Shaking my head, I check my reflection in the rearview mirror.
The redness around my eyes has gone down some but it’s still obvious I was upset at some point this morning.
I just need to punch in, check the supplies on the cart and which cabins need servicing, and then I’ll basically be alone for the rest of the day.
Part of me wishes that park ranger alpha was nearby.
I could use that sense of peace his scent seemed to trigger.
Keeping my head down as I meander through the lodge, I punch in quickly and check my cart.
Of course I need some supplies from the upstairs storage.
As quickly as possible, I grab what I need and head back down but not before running into Ben.
My hands are full but thankfully I don’t drop anything.
His scent hits me first and some of the tension I’ve been holding onto melts away, just a little.
I mumble a good morning and rush down the stairs, not concerned if he thinks I’m rude since I just can’t handle talking to anyone right now.
When I get to the bottom, I can’t help but look up and him still standing there.
Shock is written all over his face as he looks at me.
It’s almost like he’s seeing through me.
Not my business, maybe he’s having a bad day too.
It isn’t until I’m in the middle of servicing the first cabin that I realize what could’ve surprised Ben.
I forgot to put descenter on. I didn’t put it on before the doctor’s appointment since most doctors prefer to be able to scent their patients.
At least that’s what I was always told, something about it making them more responsive to any changes.
I don’t really understand how it all works but scent is a big part of our health and how we interact every day so I guess there’s some logic to it.
Thankfully I keep a travel size in the cart and reapply before continuing with my day.
Who cares if he scented me? I’m an omega, I didn’t lie about my designation when I was hired.
I just don’t go out of my way to advertise it.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I ate a quick lunch in my cart before continuing with today’s service.
There’s one cabin left, Andromeda. It’s next to the one that’s closed down for the season.
I’m slower as I work this last cabin, feeling the fatigue of this morning pulling on me.
I swear one look from someone will probably cause me to burst into tears.
Which honestly pisses me off. I don’t want to cry.
I can’t afford to. Even thinking about it I feel my eyes water.
Rolling my eyes at myself, I pick up my pace and finish the cabin.
Now sitting in my cart after I’m done for the day, I just stare out at the woods.
There’s more leaves on the ground than the trees now.
How quickly things have changed in a few short weeks.
I can’t help but see the parallel. Everything looked so pretty and bright a few weeks ago and now the bare trees and dead leaves on the ground mock me.
Maybe it’s fitting I have to deal with a complicated heat.
That’s what I deserve, maybe I’ll end up with Connor—stop it, Thea.
You’re being dramatic. Connor wouldn’t want that to happen.
He was right though. He told me for years that I shouldn’t keep taking suppressants without the required break.
It was one of the few things we ever really fought about.
There never felt like the right time. First, I presented late and was in college when it became clear I was an omega.
I hadn’t met Connor yet so going on suppressants was a no brainer.
By the time the two years were up, we both were finishing school, but that year was one of the worst of my life.
My mom had died from a long battle with cancer and my dad followed shortly after my graduation.
I think he held on just to see me settled.
He knew Connor and his parents would look out for me.
But I saw the heartbreak in his eyes every day my mom wasn’t here.
Most beta couples don’t bond, but they did.
Probably because unless you’re in a pack with other bonds to help you grieve, it’s hard to overcome such a loss on a soul level.
I’d sometimes wonder if that was the main reason Connor wanted to wait to bond after seeing what happened with my parents.
He always said we should bond together when we meet our pack but that never happened.
I don’t know what would’ve become of me if we had been bonded when he died.
Part of me feels cheated, I didn’t experience a bond with him, my alpha.
The other part, a small part I don’t like to acknowledge, is grateful I didn’t have the bond and feel the moment he was gone from this world.
The wind picks up and I feel it brush over my now wet cheeks.
This is why I can’t let myself think of anything from before.
And what do I do? I think of not only Connor but my parents as well.
Guess I’m a glutton for punishment today.
Resting my head against the steering wheel I let the cold breeze run through me.
Maybe it’ll help numb my thoughts as well as my body.
I don’t know how long I stay like that. My hands are like ice, my fingers hurting as I stretch them.
The only thought that keeps running through my mind is Connor was right and now I have to have a heat with strangers.
I have no desire to be intimate with anyone else again.
The anger that comes over me is enough to make the chill I feel in bones melt away.
I’m angry at how my own body is forcing me to do something I don’t want.
I’m angry at myself for taking the suppressants so I wouldn’t miss work and look bad at a job that didn’t give a shit about me.
I’m angry at Connor for not being here when I need him, and that son of bitch who killed him.
The tears are flowing faster now and my breathing is labored.
I’m gonna pass out if I don’t pull myself together but I can’t.
I’m spiraling and the way out is blocked by all the mental boxes I’ve kept everything locked away.
They’re cracking, letting all those memories and everything in between leak out hitting me in the face.
A crunch of leaves sounds behind me, making me jump.
I look and it’s that big alpha who’s working on the cabin.
I don’t bother wiping my face, he probably heard my meltdown.
Though I am trying to get my breathing under control so as not to embarrass myself further.
His expression is one of concern before something else comes over him, though I can’t say what.
“I need help with something.” He reaches out his hand to me.
Not a question, just a statement with an open gesture.
I have no idea what I could help him with.
I am not very handy. It’s a distraction at least. Making my choice, I take his hand.
It’s so warm, like a fire to the ice mine are.
He leads me over to the cabin, up the porch, and towards one of the railings lining it.
I look up at him questioningly but before I can say anything, he takes my hand that he’s still holding and places something in it.
“This entire top rail needs to be sanded,” he says as he takes my hand with whatever he put in it and begins moving it over the wood in slow motions. After a while he stops and runs a finger over the small patch of wood, then places mine there as well so I can feel the difference in texture.
“Compare what you do to that spot.” Then he’s stepping away from me, the chill returning.
I look back at him but he’s already busying himself with something else.
He really wants me to sand this entire railing?
I’m contemplating it, because I am done for the day and this is helping the lodge.
Taking one last look back at this alpha whose name I still don’t know, I figure this can’t hurt.
I was utterly and completely wrong. I felt like I was sweating from every pore on my body, my arms and hands throbbing from the constant motion.
Slightly huffing in frustration at only being a third of the way through the railing.
I’m so engrossed in the task I don’t hear him approach, it’s only his oak scent that alerts me.
He runs his large hand over the area I’ve been working for who knows how long, a low hum emitting from him as he does.
“This is good. Thank you. You can stop now,” he says casually, like I’m not a sweaty mess from the effort.
Looking up at him I don’t see disgust or anything negative.
Just an openness that somehow has me feeling too exposed.
What the hell do I even say? Instead, I just slowly walk away with a nod to him, but as I reach the steps I look back and find him watching.
“What’s your name?”
“Keelan,” he says with a slight smirk curling at the corner of his mouth. Interesting name.
“Thank you Keelan,” I say and he looks surprised, which I don’t understand why.
This time when I turn to leave, I don’t look back, quickly making my way to the cart that’s still parked in between the two cabins.
I don’t understand what happened in the last hour but I feel better.
At least a little. My head feels clearer and I’m not caught in that spiral.
I guess it was a little therapeutic even if my arms feel like they’re gonna fall off.