Chapter 27 Thea #2
“I’ll walk with you.” Jake stands to leave.
I say my goodbyes and thank yous for breakfast. Ben promises to let me know sometime tomorrow when our date will be.
When we’re outside I take a deep breath of the fresh air with no one’s scents tinging the air but my own.
Instinctually I’m at ease and comfortable around their scents but it’s simultaneously overwhelming.
I’m not used to this. I mean I never was, at least not on this scale.
Jake follows me out on to the porch not too long after. Since we’re outside, I only get light hints of his scent here and there. The feeling of peace is welcome nonetheless. We walk in silence for the initial stretch until we reach the densely wooded area of the path and the house is out of sight.
Jake clears his throat, making me look over at him at my side.
“Can I hold your hand?” This alpha is going to melt whatever is left of my heart.
I love that he asked. I don’t say anything, I just extend my hand towards him.
He takes it and his small smile is beautiful.
I gaze at him. I like how his dark black beard frames his angular face and those deep blue eyes.
I want to ask him something, especially while we’re off by ourselves. “Jake,” I begin, catching his attention. “Do you really think you’ll be able to find out who my stalker is?”
He stops, pulling me to a stop as well. He crouches a little so our faces are level with each other.
“Yes, without a doubt. Especially with Parker helping we will narrow down a list of suspects and see who fits the fact pattern. I, and the rest of the pack, will not let anything happen to you. If there’s one thing I need you to believe me on it’s that. ”
“What if he finds out about you all before you find him? You could be in danger. I don’t want to be responsible for another person being his target, let alone seven people.
” I look away from his intense gaze, my eyes focusing on the hollow of a nearby tree.
It looks so dark inside, like it could be a bottomless pit.
It feels like I’m already in one of those.
Catching his scent again makes a tiny pinprick of light break through the darkness.
“You are not responsible for what this guy did to Connor.”
“I know that’s what everyone says. It doesn’t make the feeling go away though.”
He sighs, lifting my chin so I’m looking at him. “I know. Trust me I know how that type of self-blaming and guilt feels. It messes with your head, no matter what others say you blame yourself. Tell me this, do you think Connor would blame you for what happened?”
His gaze softens as he looks at me, it feels like he’s looking through every wall and locked box I’ve built over the last year. “No, he wouldn’t, but…” I trail off, not wanting to voice that it’s easier to blame and punish myself.
“But admitting that means you can’t hide behind it and need to face the grief of his loss, right?”
“I didn’t sign up for a therapy session.
” I break away from our close position and turn away from him.
We’re surrounded by the bare trees, with thousands of leaves scattered by our feet on the ground.
The urge to scream out, let all my anger, frustration out, is so strong.
Jake walks up behind me. He doesn’t touch me at all but he’s close enough I can scent him.
Peace. It takes the edge off my anger but not completely.
Good to know their scents don’t totally override my own feelings.
Gotta say, not a huge fan of that sometimes.
“When I was with the FBI, I worked a lot of cases. Some stick with you more than others over the years. The last case I was assigned was the Russian mob, they were bringing illegal weapons into the country. We had someone undercover for a long time helping build the case. I also got someone close to the inner circle to feed us information, as a confidential informant.” He takes a few breaths before continuing, “She was an omega, involved with one of the guys we were trying to bring down. I was so focused on the information she was giving us and pushing for her to ask more questions I never looked closer as to why she was helping us. She told me she was planning to get out and away from them, which I figured made sense because they’re bad men.
I just didn’t realize how bad until her alpha beat her half to death. ”
I move to turn around but his hands are now on my shoulders, keeping me looking away.
“Let me get this out. She called me and we met up, said she was leaving and giving me the last info she could get. I couldn’t believe she was the same person when I saw her.
Her face was so swollen and bruised. I didn’t even care about the information at that point.
I dropped everything, gave her all the cash I had, even some from an ATM, and helped her get out of the city securely.
You know the funny thing is? She thanked me for helping her.
It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was working with her for months before that night.
I never saw a bruise or any outward indication of what was going on.
But I used her for information, knowing she wanted out.
Who knows what that bastard did to her in those months?
Suddenly it didn’t feel like I was protecting anyone anymore through my job.
There were other reasons but that was the last one that pushed me, and I left the bureau a few months later.
The worst of it is she was pregnant that night.
That was her last straw. She was trying to get away from him, not just for herself but the baby.
” He turns me around so we are facing each other again.
There’s so many emotions crossing his face.
Ones I recognize in myself. It’s hard to see it reflected back at me. Is that how I look all the time?
“It took time, my pack, and a lot of therapy to work through all the blame and guilt I put on myself. That was three years ago. I still have moments where the guilt creeps up on me. Something Liam actually told me was you can’t blame yourself for what other people do that you don’t know about.
Had I known what was going on earlier of course I would’ve helped her sooner.
What matters is I helped her as soon as I did know.
” Jake takes a deep breath, almost like he’s clearing out those memories.
“Thank you for telling me that. Liam is right; you did the right thing when it mattered,” I say, looking him in the eye. “Do you know what feeling your scent always gives me?”
“No, what?” he asks curiously.
“Peace.” I move to hug him, surprising him as he lets out an, “oof,” taking a moment to return the hug. Still in this position I say, “I understand logically all of that but I don’t know how to stop feeling the way I do.”
His arms tightening around me. “There’s no quick fix or a flip of a switch that we can do for things like this. Time and consistently remembering who’s really at fault will help. I promise.”
We stay like that for a few minutes before continuing our walk to the lodge in silence.
We’re both probably in our heads after that conversation, I know I am.
When we get to my car he hugs me before saying goodbye.
The drive home is a blur. The last two days feel like a crazy dream.
So much has changed. I can’t believe I was able to talk to Connor’s parents.
I smile to myself as I put my bag down on the kitchen island.
The corner of the envelope containing Connor’s letter catches my eye, and I take it out and leave it on the counter by itself. I…can’t read it. Not today.
Tomorrow, I’ll read it tomorrow.