8. If Only He Knew
My dick can’t be for real. Did it seriously get hard from holding his hand?
It’s not like it’s intentional. I’d prefer if I wasn’t so oversensitive to his touch, but there’s something about him that speaks to me on a primal level, and the fact that he wants nothing to do with me sexually doesn’t seem to compute in my brain.
My dick sure doesn’t care that he’s just trying to be a father figure, not a daddy.
I don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do, but it carries too many risks.
My mind keeps spinning as I bike home to the twins’ apartment. When I arrive, Nico’s lounging on the couch like usual. Luca sits beside him, typing on his phone.
“Hi, Blondie,” Nico says, fidgeting with something in his hand. He nudges two metal pieces back and forth, and they make a clicking sound whenever they slide into place. An infinity slider, I think it’s called. “What’s up with you? Did you get laid or something?”
I huff out a breath. “What? No.” I get a can of soda out of the fridge and sit on the beanbag next to the sofa. I need to cool down, but I’m not sure if a chat with the twins is the right way to go about it. Nico is about as annoying as Mason. He grins at me, waggling his brows.
“You’re looking like you did, all blushy and smiley. Either that, or you’re in love.”
“I’m not.” I’m not as bad of a liar as Lane, but I’m pretty close, and the tone of my voice doesn’t come out very convincing.
Nico sits up straight, looking at me intently. “Did you have any luck on that app?”
“No,” I mutter. It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not the truth either.
Luca looks up from his phone. “Men suck, anyway. He’s better off single.”
“Not all men are like your sleazy clients,” Nico says.
“Do you really sleep with them for money?” I ask Luca.
He shrugs. “Sometimes. Mostly, I just do stuff on camera. It depends.”
“Doesn’t that make it… less fun? Sex, I mean. Sex is supposed to be between people who like each other.” Unfortunately for me, I like someone who’ll never like me back. Even if he did, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t allow himself to act on it.
Luca shrugs again. He seems disinterested in the conversation in general. “Yeah, but it’s good money.”
I raise a brow. “Do you enjoy it in any way?”
“He never comes,” Nico reveals, and Luca rolls his eyes.
“I love telling you my deepest, darkest secrets, brother.”
Nico smirks. “That’s not your deepest, darkest secret.”
I raise a curious brow, but I doubt they’d tell me anything even if I asked.
“It’s work, okay?” Luca mutters, side-eyeing Nico. “And it pays well. I’m keeping us both afloat, so you should shut up.”
Nico groans and sprawls his long limbs over the sofa. “I’m trying to find something, but the job market’s shit right now.”
“Or maybe your résumé is.”
Nico throws a pillow at his twin, and Luca takes it and throws it right back. If I don’t interrupt them, I bet this conversation will devolve into a pillow fight.
“Luca,” I say, following an impulse. “How do you know if a guy likes you?”
Luca raises a brow at me. “Why?”
“Um.” My cheeks heat up. This was a bad idea. “No reason.”
“Well, I’m not the right person to ask. When guys like me, they message me and tell me how badly they want me to choke on their dicks.”
Nico snorts. “Not helpful. When a guy likes me, he touches me a lot. Like puts a hand on my shoulder, on my waist, and stuff like that. Why? Have you met someone?”
I shake my head. “Just checking.”
Nico narrows his eyes. “Who is it? Someone at work?”
“No, uh… Just someone I know.”
“Uh-huh. It’s not one of us, I hope. Oh, fuck, is it Hunter?”
I wave a dismissive hand. “No, it’s not Hunter.”
Nico shrugs. “Well, if it’s him you’ve got the hots for, don’t bother. I’ve tried.”
“Hey!” Luca says. “What have I told you about not sleeping with roommates?”
“Rules are boring.” Nico grins. “But like I said, Hunter’s a lost cause. Dude’s depressed or something. No sex drive. Either that, or he’s straight.”
“Or maybe he just doesn’t like you,” Luca says.
Nico groans and squirms dramatically on the sofa. “I haven’t gotten laid in ages.”
“You mean since last week?”
Nico throws a pillow at him. “I’m bored. We should host a party.”
Luca rolls his eyes. “We can’t. The neighbors.”
“We’ll have a quiet party. No music, just sex. I know some people.”
“You’re not having an orgy in my apartment.”
“It’s our apartment, stronzo.” Nico smacks him with a pillow again. I decide it’s time to retreat to my room. As soon as I close the door behind me, my mind wanders inevitably back to Logan.
Nico said guys who like him touch him a lot, but Logan touches me for other reasons. Non-sexual reasons. I’m the one who reads into it and makes it weird by popping a boner every time.
I throw myself on the bed, groaning in frustration.
I lie there for a long time, thinking about a lot of things, but Logan most of all.
I tried to give him some hints over lunch, but either he didn’t catch on, or he got uncomfortable and changed the subject.
Maybe I need to be more straightforward.
Call him what I want him to be: a daddy, not a father.
I’ll have to tread carefully, though. I’m sure he’ll push back if I push too hard.
Sighing, I grab my phone and navigate to my secret folder—the one where I put the screenshot of his dating profile.
My breath quickens right away at the sight of his hairy arms, thick thighs, and the massive hand by his groin.
I imagine crawling between his legs and putting my nose to his crotch.
I imagine… what he’d taste like on my tongue. What he’d sound like when he comes.
Suddenly desperate, I unbutton my jeans and reach inside, squeezing my erection.
When he held my hand at the café and stroked his thumb over my knuckles, his skin felt so rough.
I imagine it’s his hand wrapping around my dick instead of my own, but my fingers are too smooth; they feel nothing like his.
I arch my back regardless, letting my fantasies run wild.
I kick my jeans off along with my underwear, and soon enough, I’m lying on my side.
One hand gripping my dick, I lick the index finger of my other hand and bring it to my ass.
I’ve touched myself like this a few times, but I haven’t done more than push a finger inside. I want more. God, I want more.
In my fantasies, it’s Logan’s callused fingertip stroking my hole, and I don’t even need to press it past the rim before I shoot into my hand, gasping and moaning.
I roll onto my stomach, panting into the pillow, and a few tears trickle out of my eyes. Even if I told him, he doesn’t want me back. Or if he did, I’m not sure if he’d allow himself to take me the way I want him to take me. God, if only he knew… If only he knew how badly I want him.
I lie like that for a long time, breathing into the pillow.
Deep down, I know I’m being ridiculous. I should be grateful that he’s back in my life and not think with my dick all the time.
I am grateful; I just can’t help it. I love hugging him, but I want to kiss him as well.
I want everything. I want my daddy. If only he’d want his Ollie, too.