18. In Trouble
Why did he leave? Why did he stop? There was no need. He was so close to entering me and giving me what I’ve wanted for so long. I told him to continue; I begged him to… So why didn’t he?
Wrapping my arms around my legs, I sit naked on the bed, waiting for him while tears burn behind my eyes. It feels like… like before. It feels like he’s leaving again.
The garage. His car.
My thirteen-year-old self crying out, “Dad!”
The pain in his eyes as he disappeared from my reach.
He’s said this is not like before, and I get that. I just can’t help the cold feeling grabbing hold of my heart—an old wound threatening to open again.
I don’t know how long he’s in the bathroom.
It feels like hours, though. When he returns, he’s still naked, but his cock is soft, and mine is too.
He doesn’t look at me; he turns to his closet and puts on a pair of boxer briefs along with a dark blue shirt.
Then he takes a deep breath and kneels on the bed, meeting my eyes.
I crawl to him, and he pulls me into a hug. I bury myself in his warm touch and his familiar scent while he strokes my hair.
“Do you want me to leave?” I sniffle, trying and failing to hold back my tears.
“What? No. Stay. Please stay. I’ll make dinner.”
“What are you making?” My voice is strained, but there’s hope there, too. He doesn’t want me to leave, at least. He’s not pushing me away.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles into my hair. “I hurt you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You made me feel so good.” Just the memory of him pushing his finger, the plug, and then the dildo inside me makes my dick twitch. “I want to try again.”
He inhales a shaky breath. I’m not used to seeing him upset; I’m used to a safe and steady presence that instantly calms me down, so now I’m not sure what to do.
“Not now,” he says finally.
“Then… when?”
“Let me just take care of you tonight. Let me feed you, kiss you, and put you to bed.”
“You didn’t come,” I point out. “You were so hard… Don’t you want to come?”
“No.” His voice is rough. “I told you, Oliver; not tonight.”
Oh. So he doesn’t want to have any more sex tonight. That’s fine, I guess. As long as this doesn’t last. Now that he’s fucked me—or almost fucked me—I can’t imagine being without sex for very long. I can’t imagine being without him, period.
While he gets started on dinner, I take a quick shower and get dressed.
I’m feeling a bit blue-balled, but I did come once at least, so it’s nothing compared to how Logan must feel.
God, he treated me so well. Stretched me out so carefully.
He did all he could do, as far as I’m concerned.
It still hurt a little bit when he tried to push inside me, but I’m okay with a bit of pain. Logan obviously isn’t, though.
Maybe he needs time. After all, a few weeks ago, he refused to give me anything beyond a hug.
Time. He needs time. And he’s not leaving.
I repeat those words in my head as we sit on the couch. I keep repeating them as we eat dinner and watch a movie. After I’m full, I lean into him, and he pulls me in and lets me cuddle close. God, if I could only make him understand how good he is to me. How patient. How kind.
He lets one little mishap ruin his day, and I suspect he’s even more careful with me than with anyone else. It’s fair, I suppose. He’s so much older. He’s got so much experience under his belt, and I… Well, I don’t.
I love that about him, though. I doubt someone younger—someone like, say, Mason—would treat me the way he does. I bet Mason didn’t spend the better part of an hour getting Lane prepared for their first time. Maybe I should ask Lane about it… Ew. Scratch that.
Logan’s age isn’t the reason why he’s so good to me, though. No—it’s just who he is.
I gaze up at him, trying to make him understand through thoughts alone.
After a big yawn, I lay my head in his lap, and he strokes my hair through the rest of the movie.
The rest of the time I’m awake, anyway, because I don’t remember the ending when I wake up to him carrying me into the bedroom.
Half asleep, I burrow into his chest, and he shushes me and puts me to bed with a kiss to my forehead.
Safe. Daddy. Home.
The one promise I make to myself before I drift back to sleep is that one day, I’ll make him understand what a good daddy he is, what a good man he is, because I don’t think he knows.
On Thursday, I have the night off, and I spend it gaming with Lane.
We haven’t been able to get together as much as we used to, since we both have boyfriends and jobs now.
Last summer was supposed to be our last hurrah before I went to college, but I didn’t go to college, and still, life has gotten in the way.
When I look out the window, the sky is overcast, and the few leaves left on the trees lining the streets are all red or brown.
Mom called me yesterday. I’ve only seen her once since I left home, which feels weird but also right in some ways. When I moved away, I felt ready to detach myself from her in the process.
She asked how I was doing, and I couldn’t very well tell her that Logan is back in town and that I’m sleeping with him. That will have to be a future conversation, if it even needs to be had.
Maybe it should feel strange to have sex with my mom’s ex, but I’ve barely even thought about it. When Logan and I are together, no one else exists for me but him. It’s just us, in the moment. Our past is there, in the background, but it’s not at the forefront of our minds—at least not for me.
He thinks about it more than I do, I guess. As the twins said, it must be weird for him to see me in a sexual context when he remembers me as a child. Maybe that’s part of the reason why he was so upset last time.
“Hey, are you still there?” Lane says through my headphones.
I realize I’ve been idle for a while. “Yeah.” To prove it, I make my paladin jump and swing his axe in the air.
“Mason isn’t home, so we can talk if you want. I’m dying to hear about Logan.”
I bite my lip, tapping my fingers on the desk as I think of what to say. I decide it’s best to be direct. “We tried to have sex.”
Lane snorts. “Tried to?”
“We tried to fuck, okay? But it didn’t work. He stopped because he thought I was in pain.”
“Is he big?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And it’s your first time, right?”
“Yeah.” I tell him about the plug and the dildo. It’s good that we’re not talking face-to-face; I’d die of embarrassment.
“Well, Mason is big too. Like, really big.”
I grimace. “I didn’t need to know that.”
“I’m just saying! A little pain is not a big deal, as long as it’s not, like, a lot of pain.”
“Logan won’t let me be in any pain.” My tone is exasperated, but the truth is that this is quite a good problem to have.
“It only hurts the first few seconds—in a good way! Then it starts feeling really good. Like, amazing.”
“Too much information,” I laugh. I don’t really want to hear about my best friend and my brother’s sex life, but if it can help me reassure Logan, I guess I’ll endure it.
“Just make sure you’re relaxed,” Lane continues. “And you’ll be fine. Use fingers first and a lot of lube—a dildo if you want to. Sounds like he knows what he’s doing.”
“He does,” I say, face burning.
“Well, he sounds hot. Can’t wait to meet him.”
“Uh… I don’t know about that.”
“Why?”
“Mason.”
Where Lane goes, my brother goes, and Logan was his stepfather, too.
If he ever finds out what’s been happening between us, I’m pretty sure he’ll lose his shit.
He doesn’t know what I know. He doesn’t know that I’m the one who made our relationship happen.
That I’m the one who’s been begging Logan every step of the way. He did nothing lightly.
Mason will think otherwise, though. He’ll think Logan groomed me or something, and nothing could be further from the truth.
Lane is quiet for a while. When he speaks, his voice is low and serious. “Well, it might be hard to hide your relationship in the long run. Sooner or later, he’ll find out, don’t you think?”
“I guess,” I mutter, but I’d rather not think about it.
“What about your mom?”
I roll my eyes. I’m not even remotely ready to consider her part in this equation. “She doesn’t know.”
“Yeah, no shit. I bet she’d go ballistic. No offense, but she’s kind of an ice queen. I’d be more scared of her than of Mason if I were you.”
“Of course you wouldn’t be afraid of Mason—he’s a massive simp for you.”
“He’s not!” Lane protests, but he sounds delighted.
“So, things are good between you two?”
“Not to brag, but yeah, things are pretty amazing. We got busy for a while with work and everything, but recently, we’ve been trying something new.” He lowers his voice conspiratorially. “Do you know anything about puppy play?”
I listen, mortified, while Lane explains what he and my brother have been up to, and my mind spins with images of leashes, collars, and tails. Before he can go into any more detail, I change the subject, and we shift our focus to gaming again. Thank God.
While we game, I think about what he told me, and I feel a bit more confident about what to do next time I meet up with Logan.
Later that evening, Logan texts me and asks me to meet up tomorrow. Finally. I reply with “Okay, Daddy,” and he reacts to the message with a heart. My chest explodes with butterflies at that, and I stare at the red heart, wanting to tell him so many things but not knowing where to start.
I end up lying on my bed with my phone on my chest, gazing up at the ceiling and thinking about him. His large, strong hands… The thick fur covering his chest that I love to comb my fingers through… His eyes that crinkle when he smiles and calls me “Ollie.”
God, I’m in trouble.