24. Not Ready #3
And Fabio? I want to ask the bitter question, since she’s called me maybe twice since I moved away from home, but the look of discomfort in Logan’s eyes gives me pause.
“Are you with someone?” Mom asks.
Logan freezes under me, and I freeze too, staring at him. He looks like he’s trying not to breathe, as if Kim can hear him through the phone.
“N-no,” I reply, heart racing. “I’m in my room.”
“Good. I talked to Mason the other day. He said he saw you.”
“Y-yeah?” My heart is hammering against my ribs. He didn’t tell her about me and Logan, right? He said he wouldn’t. Although it wouldn’t be the first time he’d done something I begged him not to do. “Wh-what did he say?”
“Nothing much. He seems to be doing well.”
I exhale a sigh of relief. Her tone doesn’t indicate anything’s amiss, so I think the coast is clear. Logan is still staring at me, though, and when Mom starts talking about how Fabio is building her a pool house, I listen with half an ear, frowning, lost in thought.
What happens when she finds out about me and Logan? If she hears about it through gossip or if she runs into us on the street, what would happen?
Keeping our relationship a secret was rational at first, but as time passes, it’s getting built up to this huge thing.
It is pretty huge, for my mom most of all, I suppose.
Logan is her ex, after all. It’s weird; I know it is, and I doubt her reaction will be any sort of positive.
I don’t know how to tell her, but I don’t think it matters; there’s no way of telling her that won’t blow things out of proportion.
After what feels like forever, Mom says bye and hangs up, and the silence that follows feels too heavy, stretches too far.
“That was Mom,” I say needlessly.
Logan nods, jaw tight. “I know.” He lifts me off his lap, and my heart clenches with worry.
The judgment we’ve faced from strangers is nothing compared to facing Mom, and I have no idea how Logan will take it. All this time, he’s been so unsure about us, so hesitant. What if Mom says something that will make him finally pull away from me?
I try not to panic, but when faced with the prospect of him leaving me, I don’t know what else to do. I need to be strong, though. I need to let him know that I’m not worried about Mom’s judgment. I don’t care about what anyone thinks, and that includes her, too.
“Daddy?” I get off the bed and stand in front of him, cupping his face. He’s frowning and looking anywhere but at me.
“If…” He swallows hard. “If you want to tell her, we can.”
My stomach swoops with surprise. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but it sure wasn’t that.
“I’m done keeping this a secret,” he mutters, and his hands close around my hips. “I want you. If she can’t accept that, then…” He shakes his head.
“Then what?” I ask, because I still can’t believe this is really happening. “Would you be okay? About us. No matter how she reacts or… or what she says.”
His hands clench, digging into my skin. “I won’t leave you, Oliver. I can promise you that.”
I swallow and bite my lip. “How do you want to do it?”
“You decide.”
I think for a while, then say what I feel makes the most sense. “We’ll go home. To her house.” Nothing public. Nothing that can spiral out of our control. Hopefully.
“Okay.” He sounds calm, but I feel him trembling, see his eyes wavering. “When?”
“Tomorrow?” Now that we’re making these plans, I’m too anxious to wait for much longer.
He nods, and his thumbs rub circles on my hips for a while. I hug him, every inch of our bodies pressed together. For once, I’m not hard. I’m too stressed out to be hard.
“Oliver,” he mumbles against my shoulder, and my heart rate spikes. “There’s something I haven’t told you.”
“What?” I lean back, feeling like my chest is about to explode. What hasn’t he told me?
“I made a promise. To her,” he grits out, and his eyes flash with pain.
“What promise?” I whisper.
He shakes his head, jaw tightening. “I can’t. Not now. Maybe… Maybe after we’ve seen her.” Noticing the distress on my face, he strokes my back in soothing circles. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing that changes things between you and me.”
“Okay.” I don’t know if I believe him. “Tomorrow, then.”
The anxiety thrumming in my veins is telling me, “No, don’t do it. Don’t jeopardize this. You finally have him, and now you risk losing him.”
I’m not ready. Not ready to face my mother, and certainly not ready for her to tear into Logan like I know she will. Not ready for the consequences her words might bring.
On the other hand, I’ve told him many times that he needs to trust me, because I trust him. He promised he wouldn’t leave me no matter what Mom has to say about our relationship, and I need to trust him in that.
Trying to be rational while my whole body is screaming is hard, though.
The only things helping are Logan’s hands on my skin and the steady warmth of his body against mine.
I can’t help the trickle of tears from my eyes when he strokes my hair and hushes me, my chest aching with the silent prayer in my heart.
He’s all I’ve ever wanted. My Logan, my daddy. Please don’t let me lose him.