Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
SOFEE
“So you’re really doing this?”
Turning away from the window at the sound of a familiar voice, I catch sight of Max lingering in the doorway of my apartment. Correction . The doorway to my old apartment. Though looking at it now, nobody could tell this was the place I’d spent the last five months of my life. They would never see this as my only sanctuary when I needed it most.
What little I had here has been packed into boxes and neatly stacked in the back of my older brother's SUV, waiting outside to take me far away from here. All my plants, knick-knacks, and furnishings. Everything I have meticulously selected to make this place feel like home, gone as if they never existed in the first place. And though my things may be gone, the feeling of home still lingers. It's something that has made my heart ache more and more with each passing day since I decided to leave New Orleans.
You mean, since you decided to leave Declan.
I shake myself, cutting off the streaming line of thoughts of the man I should have never let in. Facing the small woman in my doorway, I flash her a sad smile before stepping over to the desk in the corner of the room and grabbing the very last moving box. I settle it against my belly and start toward the door.
“Yes, I’m really doing this. And if you’re here to talk me out of it, you can save your breath. I’ve made up my mind,” I say before brushing past her into the hallway, avidly ignoring the sharp ache in my chest as I see Declan’s apartment door wide open for the first time ever. My feet almost stumble at the sight before I force myself to look away and stride toward the stairs with false determination in each step.
Just as I'm about to descend the stairs, Max grabs my shoulder, halting my steps. Taking a deep breath, I stop and turn to face her again. Her honey-colored eyes shimmer with friendliness as she takes the box from my hands and holds it against herself. Suspicion fuels me as I eye her warily. She rolls her eyes, steps around me, and begins to walk downstairs. But then she pauses and glances over her shoulder.
“Can’t blame a girl for checking,” she says, shrugging a delicate shoulder. “As much as I don’t want to lose you as a friend, I do understand the need to flee. The need to escape your circumstances.” Her eyes shimmer as a far-off look crosses her expression. Then she blinks and seems to shake herself, the look in her eyes now gone as if it was never there in the first place. “Even though I want you to stay, I get it,” she says, a small smile tilting her lips before turning forward and walking downstairs.
I follow closely behind, her words causing doubt to take root in my gut. My feet hit the bottom stair, and despite my strong urge to glance back at the bar to check if Declan’s tending as usual, I force myself to hurry toward the door. The unmistakable sound of Max’s bright purple flip-flops snapping under her feet guides me outside like a homing beacon as I reach for the front door and follow her out.
Though it’s still humid, the setting sun has made it much cooler, more comforting as I walk out into the parking lot. Max spots Damon’s black SUV parked right outside the front door and heads straight for it, still carrying the only remaining box that could have tied me to this place.
I watch her curiously as she places the box on top of the others and reaches for the back hatch handle. Clicking the button to shut the door, she steps back and faces me with that same small smile playing on her lips. Then a look of surprise crosses her face before she snaps her fingers and glances toward the shop.
“Shit,” she says before nodding her head toward the building. “I forgot, I have something for you.” She glances at the watch on her wrist before cringing. “I know you have to hit the road soon, but do you wanna come up and grab it real quick?” she asks but doesn’t give me time to respond before turning on her heels and heading across the parking lot.
I watch her for a moment before reluctantly following after. All I want to do is get in Damon’s SUV and forget all about the last six months of my life. But instead, I follow the dark-haired pixie as she saunters toward the shop door. Hastening my steps, I catch up to her just as she swings the door open and steps inside.
“I swear we’ll be quick. It’s just a small birthday present. All of us pitched in and got you a little something since you won’t be here to celebrate with us,” she says as she climbs the stairs leading to the apartments, reminding me once again that my birthday is in a few days. With everything that’s happened, it keeps slipping my mind. That, and I don’t feel much like celebrating for obvious reasons. Still, I force myself to follow her.
With each slap of her sandals against the industrial stairs, my anxiety ticks up a little further. The last time I was up here was the day everything went to shit. The day Declan confessed his true feelings for me but omitted the most crucial part. That part that still stings to think about, even though I now understand why I was kept in the dark for so long. My feet slow until I can no longer take another step.
“Max, I don’t know if I?—”
“I think you’re really going to like it,” she says, cutting me off just before she disappears around the corner.
My feet feel rooted in place as I wait for a long moment, gathering my courage to follow after her. I don’t know what I was thinking following her up here. I know the moment I pass by Declan’s new apartment, everything is going to resurface for me all over again. And just like I’ve had to do for the past week since Tatum came knocking on my door, I’m going to have to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing. That the right thing for me to do is leave this place forever. To start over somewhere else where dark promises, sinful delights, and agonizing heartbreak don’t exist.
Stop being a pussy. Go up there, get whatever it is she wants to give you, and then get into big brother’s vehicle so you can run and hide from the only man who has ever made you feel completely seen.
I frown to myself as my internally spoken words strike a chord. “Whose side are you even on?” I mumble to myself and force my feet to move. I snort a short laugh at myself as I crest the top stair, realizing I may very well be crazy for arguing with my inner thoughts aloud.
Turning to face the end of the hall, I spot Max just as she’s opening her apartment door and sliding inside. Hers is at the end of the hall, past Liam and Tate’s place… past his .
No, he said it was yours, not his.
My heart sinks to my gut as my inner voice corrects me. My apartment. Not his, mine . A place he handcrafted with me at the forefront of all his thoughts. Days, hell, months, he’s spent all this time thinking about what would make me happy. About what would make me feel like I was finally home. I can’t even fathom the countless hours he spent hand-selecting every single thing in that apartment, all because he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
As if my feet have a mind of their own, I start walking toward that very apartment. I haven’t been back here since that agonizing day. Too afraid of the feelings that will undoubtedly surface if I see it again. Knowing if I remembered what happened behind those walls, my resolution to leave this place would only weaken until I no longer felt that leaving was necessary for my heart to heal.
So I stayed away, needing to hold on to my false hope that I could simply leave this place in my rearview and never think about it again. Never think about the only man I’ve ever loved so painfully.
No longer following Max, I step closer to the door of my past. It’s open, just like the one in the clubhouse. Wide open, so unlike the man who resides within. I step up to the open door, trying to focus on the golden-colored handle my fingers itch to wrap around. Maybe if I just shut the door, I can also shut him out of my mind. But I should have known that would never work. Because as I step up to that open door, my eyes are immediately beckoned to look inside and once I do, my breath catches in my throat.
The dark wood floor, polished to perfection, should be the first thing I notice. Then, the dark green walls, flawlessly coated and adorned with golden light fixtures. Big framed photos of colorful flowers delicately hung with precision along the expanse of the walls are next on that list of things I should see. As is the huge bed, covered in dark blankets and pillows, artfully displayed in an inviting way against the wall that divides the space from the bathroom.
Or the small black kitchen, fully functional with beautiful cream-colored marble countertops and shiny, unwrapped appliances. But the main focal point, before the long row of big windows pointing toward the setting sun, absolutely filled with a variety of green foliage, is none of these things. No, the only thing my eyes can seem to settle on is the looming presence in the center of it all.
He’s facing me, his hands resting inside the front pockets of his dark jeans just below his white T-shirt. Wrapped in leather and sin, cloaked by the imminent twilight, he stands before me like a dark figment of my imagination.
I’m not sure what drives my movements, but I find myself walking into the apartment as I stare at the man I’ve been avoiding for the past two weeks. My gaze trails up his body, past his colorfully tattooed arms, up to his broad, muscular shoulders, to his throat where his Adam’s apple bobs around his swallow. My breath flutters past my lips as I watch his tongue dart out and dampen the lips framed by his short, dark beard. Further up my gaze climbs, until I’m locked onto the glimmering violet irises that haunt my dreams. His expression is somber as he captures me in his eyes and finally speaks.
“Hey, Brat.” His tone is sure as he speaks the two words with a small grin playing on his lips.
I feel my brows pull tightly together as I frown at him. Two weeks. I’ve been ignoring him for two weeks , and the first thing he can think to say to me is that ? I pull my arms over my chest and settle my weight on one hip, digging in to make him see that he isn’t going to get off that easily.
The sound of the door snicking closed behind me makes me realize that this was all a ploy. Another scheme concocted behind my back to achieve the desired outcome. It’s evident that Declan enlisted Max’s help to get me up here. Well, he got his wish, I’m up here. Now, I’m anxious to see how he’s going to dig his way out of this one. So, I remain silent, compelling him to drive this conversation he has deemed necessary.
“Damn,” he murmurs before dragging his hand through his short beard, the scratching sound resonating in my ears from across the room. “Not gonna lie, I was really hoping you’d be ready to bite my head off when you saw me. I was expecting you to beat my ass and insult my manhood like usual,” he baits me with humor, but I keep my lips drawn into a tight line while locking my stare onto his. “I’m kind of at a loss now?—”
“What do you want from me, Declan?” I ask, no longer able to stay silent. The longer I’m in this place, the longer I’m in his presence, the more my urge to run decreases.
I watch him as he steps closer to me and swallows thickly. His dark brows gather in the middle as his eyes soften. “Look, I know I fucked up?—”
“That’s an understatement,” I scoff.
He shakes his head and steps closer, his warm scent inviting me in. “I lied to you. Helped devise a plan to keep you in the dark,” he says, his heavy boots thumping against the hardwood as he closes the gap between us. “I spied on you. Actively watched and listened to you even when it wasn’t my turn to look after you. I invaded your privacy completely and thoroughly without hesitation.”
His violet eyes shimmer with honesty as he stops in front of me. It would take no effort for him to reach out and grab me now. I scold myself as the thought of him touching me doesn’t fill me with rage but rather a silent yearning.
“I shut you out and refused to tell you anything, even when it had nothing to do with the mission and everything to do with me not wanting you to see what I truly am. Even though I have always tried to keep you at a distance, I still didn’t want you to realize that I’m just a blood-stained monster who doesn’t deserve happiness,” he admits, causing my heart to leap in my chest. I bite my tongue, suppressing the urge to tell him how wrong he is.
Then he does something that shocks me to my core. He steps right up to me and sinks to his knees at my feet.
My breath stalls in my chest as I watch him, and he watches me. His jaw is set with determination, and his eyes shimmer the same way they did the day everything fell apart.
“When he took you,” he says, his jaw tightening as he clenches his teeth. “When I watched him shoot you in the back, I thought—” He shakes his head as if trying to rid himself of the image of me utterly defenseless in the hands of a murderer. “I realized none of that shit mattered. I no longer cared if I didn’t deserve you; all that mattered was getting you back safely.” His eyes shimmer with emotion as I stare down at him, my own eyes burning with unshed tears. “Losing you made me realize that I was such a fucking fool. I don’t want to shut you out anymore, La Mia Alba .”
My lashes flutter rapidly as my stomach drops. I clench my eyes closed, warding off the hopeful feeling spreading throughout my body. “Declan, it’s too late. I’m lea?—”
“Ask me anything,” he interrupts me, grabbing my hands. I keep my eyes closed as his calloused fingers rub against mine, igniting a warmth within me. “Anything, and I'll tell you the truth. If that's what it takes to make you stay, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
I shake my head and try to pull my hands out of his grasp, but he refuses to let go. Opening my eyes, I stare down at the only man who has ever held my heart as it crumbles in my chest. By the stubborn light in his eyes, I know he isn’t going to let me go; he'll never let me run away from him. Even if he doesn’t chase me, the memory of him will haunt me for the rest of my life. So, I gather my composure and straighten my spine before the first question leaves my lips.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, not needing to explain my question further. We both know what I’m asking.
“Because I thought we would be able to take care of Matteo without you ever finding out. All of us did. Turns out, he played us all better than we ever imagined he could.” His answer is immediate. He shakes his head. “I think I can speak for Li, too, when I say, we only ever wanted to protect you from the darkness of this world.”
His words strike a chord within me that ignites anger, flickering and flaring to life in my gut. All my life, I have been sheltered from anything deemed unsavory, and I am finally done allowing myself to be treated this way.
“I see now that was also a mistake,” Declan says, his words quelling my indignation slightly as he holds me captive with his gaze.
“Liam was wrong. I was wrong. You can handle anything that’s thrown at you with a grace most people will never possess. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Sofee.” My name sounds like a prayer as it passes his lips, eliciting a shiver to shimmy down my spine.
“Why did you push me away?” I blurt, no longer able to keep my curiosity at bay. He said I could ask him anything, and he would be honest. It's far past time I learned why he has always made me dislike him, even if we both now know he used his hatefulness as a clever decoy to keep me at arm's length.
His eyes dart between mine before he pulls me closer to him. I don’t know if it’s stupidity or blind intuition that has me allowing my feet to move. But I think it’s the latter that sinks into his touch as he releases me just to wrap his hands around the back of my thighs. I nearly whimper as he raises his hands to my ass and holds me firmly before glancing back up into my eyes.
“Because for a long time, I've convinced myself that I'm not worthy of love,” he says flatly, allowing the truth to hang between us. “But I don't believe that anymore.” He digs his fingers into my ass, nearly drawing a moan of desire from me. I need to push him away, need to shut this down before I become putty in his hands. But I’ll be damned if I can stop myself from wanting more.
“You helped me see that there is no merit in that belief,” he admits, and I feel myself soften further for him. “You're the best person I know, La Mia Alba ,” he whispers as he glances down at my stomach before bringing his forehead to my lower belly. I release a long breath as he nuzzles me, sinking into his affection. “The kindest, most generous, selfless person I’ve ever met,” he breathes, his hot breath fanning over my exposed flesh as my top rides up slightly. He glances up at me then, his lips serious as he regards me. “You’re still a smartass.” He smiles, and I can’t hold back my short, strangled laugh as he becomes a watery sight kneeling before me. His smile dulls slightly as his eyes brighten. “But still a good person.”
My chest expands, and I’m compelled to avert my gaze. The sincerity in his eyes and the truth in his tone make it impossible to maintain my resolve. If I continue to look at him and listen to his genuine words, I know I will never be able to walk away. But Declan doesn’t allow me to look away from him. Instead, he pulls me down to him in a quick jerk. My breath tumbles from behind my lips as he catches me and helps me kneel on the floor in front of him.
He pulls me close, placing both his hands on either side of my head and forcing me to meet his gaze. I sniff as tears leak from my eyes and roll heavily down my cheeks. His rough thumb drags against the wet flesh there, gathering my tears and brushing them away as he searches my gaze.
“And if a person of your high moral standing can find it in her heart to love a degenerate like me, then I can give myself a fragment of the same grace,” he whispers, his sweet-smelling breath fluttering over my lips.
“Declan,” I say as I push his chest, trying to dislodge him. I need to leave, need to escape while I still have some resolve lingering in my veins. But he keeps me pressed tightly to him as his eyes become serious.
“Do you know why I call you La Mia Alba ?” he asks, and I have no hope of stopping my head from shaking because the truth is, I’ve been dying to know. “Because you are my dawn, my sunrise when all I’ve ever known is the darkness of night,” he breathes, the desperation in his eyes mirroring mine as a single tear finally breaks free and trails down his cheek. I can’t stop myself now as I finally allow my fingers to find his unkempt hair. He pulls me closer, placing his forehead against mine. “You are my beacon of light, my hope. My hope that I’m more than this.”
A sob rips from my chest as I lean in, my lips hovering over his. I’ve been so absorbed by my own pain and anger that I failed to see the truth that’s been right in front of me all along. The truth that this man has protected me while battling his own inner struggles to keep his distance. He has been admittedly consumed with obsessions of me but refrained from fully embracing them, fearing he might subject me to the same fate as another woman he once loved. Not only did he save my life, but he also acknowledged his own mistakes in the process. If that doesn't portray a man worthy of a second chance, then I don’t know what the fuck does.
“This whole time I thought I was ruining you, La Mia Alba . But it turns out you were ruining me. Ruining the man who’s always thought he was a monster who didn’t deserve love,” he says, his coarse, short beard scraping against my sensitive lips as he speaks. It would take less than a breath to bridge the gap between us, something I’m desperate to do.
“So I'm on my knees for you, Sofee Santos. At your mercy and for your pleasure, begging you to let me make this up to you, even if it takes me the rest of my life.”
I nearly choke on thin air as I pull him to me. “You've proven that you have the power to crush my heart, Declan,” I breathe, emotions muddling my words before I swallow hard and lock my gaze onto his. “Now, show me that you can mend what you broke,” I whisper. His eyes flicker for a moment before he closes the gap and presses his lips to mine, allowing his actions to speak the answer I seek.
He groans against my lips as I kiss him back. His fingers grip my hair until he has his fists full of my obsidian curls. He pulls me back, following after and never releasing my lips until he has me pulled beneath him. Finding a spot between my open thighs, he grinds his hard length against my sex. Lightning shoots up my spine as lust takes root in my core.
Flashes of sharp, white teeth adorning a black mask surrounded by fire and brimstone cloud my mind's eye as he sits up and hastily removes his shirt. I reach for my own top and rip it over my head, tossing it away as if shedding all the heartache and pain. His eyes are hot and engulfed with flames of desire as he pulls my shorts down my legs in a rough jerk. In my mind, he stalks toward me, determination in each step as he escapes the deathly flames behind him like a savior rising from the ashes. Echoes of the past reverberate around me until I’m repeating the words I screamed the day of the fire aloud as he spreads me wide, his dark eyes glazing over with desire.
“Declan, please,” I whimper. His eyes close briefly, as if savoring the words like a declaration of love. When he reopens them, a profound hunger fills his eyes, sending a thrill of excitement through my veins.
As our fingers fumble around each other's, both reaching for his belt, I tear at the buckle until it's free. Soon, his button and fly follow suit. He hastily pulls his jeans down, revealing his heavy cock as it springs free. I reach for him, gripping him tightly in my hand, stroking him from root to tip. His eyes roll back as a deep grumble rolls from his chest. Then, he shoves my hand away before lowering himself down the length of my body and settling his shoulders between my splayed thighs.
He breathes deeply, running his nose down my center in a purely erotic display. I watch him through lowered lashes as he leans down and swipes my pussy with his flattened tongue. Pure euphoria crosses his stark features before his dark gaze locks onto me.
“I thought I’d never taste you again, La Mia Alba . My taste buds would forever weep for the loss.” He smiles up at me, a wicked gleam in his violet eyes. “Allow me to start mending your heart while eating my fill of this sweet pussy,” he growls right before latching onto me.
My back bows off the floor as his hot mouth envelops me and his tongue finds my clit. Stars burst behind my closed eyelids as he sucks the throbbing bud past his lips and nips me gently. I can't help but whimper as my pussy clenches and pleasure zaps up my spine.
He licks and sucks, teetering me over the edge only to draw me right back with his skilled tongue. My hips buck and grind against his mouth of their own accord. I’m no longer in control as my orgasm swells, threatening to drown me and wash away any remnants of resolve I had left within me.
But just as the impending bliss hangs over my head, he stops and climbs my body. My breath is rushed and loud as his lips find mine again. He bites my lower lip until I’m whimpering and writhing below him. I can taste the metallic tinge of my own blood mixed with my arousal as he finally releases me to speak.
“I may be trying to mend your heart, but that doesn’t mean you get to stop begging for it, Brat,” he says roughly as I feel the head of his bare cock nudging my entrance. I close my eyes and groan in frustration, swirling my hips against him, tempting him to slide inside me.
He chuckles on top of me, his bare chest bouncing against mine as his hand travels up my ribs to cup me before dipping his head toward my breast. My mouth opens in a silent scream as he squeezes me tightly at the same time his teeth find my nipple and bites down. Fire lashes me in the form of pain that hurts so fucking good.
“Eyes on me,” he bites out around my nipple and as if he possesses a direct connection to my movements, my gaze immediately shifts to his. Arousal floods my center as his tongue falls from his mouth before circling the aching peak. He thrusts slightly, his thick cock sliding in just enough to tantalize me. His eyes keep me in place as his sharp teeth scrape against my sensitive nipple. He looms over me, his eyes dancing with dominant satisfaction.
“What does a good little slut do when she wants a fat cock filling her tight little cunt?” he asks, his words sending jolts of awareness to my sex.
“She begs for it,” I say, barely recognizing the husky voice emanating from my throat. He smiles down at me, the silent praise making my chest swell.
“Then start begging like my very own desperate whore,” he demands before enveloping my tortured nipple completely and sucks me past his lips. I arch my back, begging for more even as he bites me, never releasing my stare. I screech as his teeth sink into me, the feeling just as agonizing as it is pleasurable.
“Please, Declan. All I want is your big cock filling me up. Please, please, please,” I pant as I keep my eyes locked on his. His dark eyes fill with a promise only bodies understand. "I'll be a good girl. I’ll be such a good girl. Just please, fuck me,” I beg, no longer feeling the usual shame that comes with asking for what I need. I now know I never have to feel that way again with this man.
Without so much as a warning, he releases my fiery red nipple and slams into me all the way to his hilt. My gasp interweaves with his groan, creating a delicate melody I could listen to for the rest of my life.
“So fucking perfect. My good girl,” he growls as he slowly slides out, only to thrust it back into me with a sharp slap on my thigh. I yelp as the sting puckers my skin and a surge of heat floods my core. “My desperate slut who is going to come all over my cock.”
“ Yess ,” I moan as my orgasm coils deep, getting ready to explode from me in a fiery rush as he fucks me with determination now. Pure need drives each of his movements as his hands spread me wider than I thought possible, putting me on full display for his depraved eyes to devour. His thumb finds my clit before swirling around the sensitive bud and driving me up the fucking wall.
“Come for me, Sofee,” he demands as he pinches my clit and slams into me so forcefully I slide against the polished hardwood floor.
My core clenches around him as my muscles contract and release sporadically. I know my eyes are fixed on his as he lowers himself and thrusts into me, but I'm unable to see beyond the fireworks bursting behind my eyelids as my orgasm consumes me.
His thrusts become erratic as I wrap my legs around him and hold on for dear life. His breath leaves him in ragged pulls as he pounds into me, his hips losing all sense of rhythm as he drowns me with his release.
“ Fuck ,” he groans above me as his cum lands in my depths. He breathes heavily over me before locking his lips onto mine. Capturing my lips, he kisses me as if his life depends on it, and I return his urgency, allowing every single promise spoken here today to sink within my soul and fix a little piece of my heart.
“I love you, Declan Morelli. And I forgive you,” I whisper below him, our breaths mingling between us. He closes his eyes as if forcing himself to hear and believe my words. When he opens them again, the love reflected back at me almost takes my breath away.
“I’m going to spend the rest of my life living up to that privilege, Brat,” he breathes, his lips hovering over mine as if waiting for me to agree with his proclamation.
My lips tick up in a smile until I can no longer hold back as I pull him down. He settles his full weight on me as I glance around the place he created with me in mind. I know it will take him time to come to terms with being loved the way he deserves, with having someone care for him as deeply as I do. But I can’t wait for the day he realizes he never has to doubt my love for him.
Soon, he'll learn there is beauty in ruination; you just have to fight long enough to see something beautiful rise from the ashes.
And as I wrap my arms around his neck and meet his violet gaze again, I realize that this is just the beginning of our something beautiful.