Chapter 10
Tavin awoke with a pounding head and a heavy heart. Not even the smell of the barn could ease his troubled mind, and it was because he had done something he shouldn’t have.
He should have never kissed Moira.
The moment her lips had touched his, Tavin had been lost. He could have easily taken her up against the wall last night, but his conscience would not have let him.
Because he cared for her.
“Bloody hell,” he whispered as he rose from his sleeping position, brushing the hay off his clothing. Then, not only had he kissed her, he had agreed to ride to the battlefield today.
A battlefield full of clans that knew who he was.
He couldn’t let them see him. The moment they did, he would be thrown into the dungeons, and Moira would never believe that he wasn’t just the person that everyone else thought him to be.
She would never believe that she had affected him.
No, he couldn’t hurt her like that. Suddenly his plans, his carefully laid plans, had just turned awry.
Tavin knew he had two options. The first was that he could leave now, ride for the border, and intercept his brothers.
He knew enough about the plan that was to come and it would be easy for them to gain access to the goods.
The other, well, he could send word to Moira that he could not join her today and stay in this damned barn where he belonged.
Tavin shook his head, more hay raining from his hair. He couldn’t stay away from her. If only she had been the meek girl that he had been expecting or even better, a harsh woman that would be easy to take from.
But Moira was neither. She was both fire and ice, a blend that had him on his toes and constantly guessing as to which one would be part of his life today.
That was all the more trouble in his mind.
Tavin grabbed his things and stuffed them behind his horse, ensuring that they were well hidden.
At least he had picked a barn that was least visited to sleep in.
So far, he had not run into the grooms, though Tavin imagined if they had seen him, they would turn the other way.
It wasn’t as if he was stealing anything.
Yet.
Tavin walked out of the barn and made it only a few feet before he was grabbed from behind and shoved up against the nearby wall, a glint of metal at his throat. “I should cut yer throat and be done with it,” Will sneered. “I told ye to leave her be.”
Ah, so Moira had made her request after all. “This was her idea.”
The other man laughed harshly. “I wasnae born yesterday, Scot. Someone swayed her.”
“I dinnae, I swear,” Tavin said honestly. He had tried to scare her away but to no avail. It was the one time he wasn’t lying to the second-in-command.
Will relaxed his hold, removing the dagger at Tavin’s throat. “She asked for ye tae join us today. That was not by her own volition.”
Tavin wasn’t about to tell the man that he had kissed Moira. That was none of his business. “I swear tae ye. Yer lady has a mind of her own. If I knew she would accept me not going, I would tell her.”
Will arched a brow, surprise flickering in his eyes. “What is yer plan Scot? Ye have been lurking around this place long enough. Do ye truly mean tae win her hand?”
Tavin straightened. “No one will win her hand. She will pick her own husband without being swayed by pretty words and a display of strength.”
Will stared at him for a moment before stepping back. “I cannae stop ye from going today but if ye harm her in any way, I will slit yer throat.”
Tavin knew the harm wasn’t just physical. The man was talking about Moira’s feelings, her heart, and that was the one thing that he knew he could not avoid. What he was going to do to her, he would gladly feel the pierce of the blade on his throat.
But he did not tell the man. “I will stay back. I have no intention of being that man at her side.”
“Good tae know,” Will stated, sheathing his dagger. “And when this is over with, I expect ye tae be moving on then.”
“Understood.”
The warrior sighed. “We ride out in an hour’s time.”
Tavin watched as the other man walked away before sagging against the wall. This was what he was afraid of. Not only had he succeeded in getting her attention, but he had also allowed her to blow past his defenses and settle herself in his heart.
The heart that he didn’t have.
Rubbing a hand over his face, Tavin pushed away from the wall. He would keep a distance between them today, to pretend that the kiss they shared hadn’t affected him.
The problem was that it already had.
Tavin found himself on a saddled horse when Moira exited the keep, looking resplendent in a gown of deep green, with her tartan draped over her shoulder.
He swallowed as she passed by him, her eyes full of delight though her expression did not change.
Tavin didn’t acknowledge her, his hands holding the reins so tightly that he could feel the leather cut into his palms. He wanted to scoop her up onto the horse with him and ride off, away from anyone that would be able to find him.
He wanted to protect her from the hurt that was coming, to keep her from having to find a husband that would never appreciate the woman she was.
He wanted to be that man. The realization had taken root in his heart, though Tavin was not going to act upon it. His da would be pleased that his son had done so, giving them full access to a powerful clan and aligning the Stuart name with that of the McPherson clan.
But Tavin wished to have nothing of it. He hadn’t figured out what to do with his brothers, who he was due to meet with this evening, but they would not get the information they were expecting.
He could not betray Moira.
Tavin watched as she was helped onto her horse before they set off in a gallop, Moira ahead of him.
It was how he wanted it, though he ached to spur his horse forward until he was side by side with her just to see her smile.
What was she thinking about their kiss last night?
Had she rationalized in her mind that he had rejected her because of this or because she thought he was not interested in her?
Surely, she had felt his interest. He had felt it all night and into the early morning hours.
He would have to talk with her. Tavin wasn’t sure what he would say, but he was starting to regret ever coming to this clan in the first place. Could he betray his own family?
His da would not understand the pull of a woman such as Moira, for he believed that a woman should hold nothing but a cock between her legs. Moira was so much more than that.
The party rode to the south and soon Tavin could see the tents in the distance, a chill coming over him. The last time he had seen such a sight, he had learned he was not their equal. Just because he was no longer a child didn’t mean the hurt was still there.
The scars were deeper than physical and by the time they reached the first tent, Tavin was already peeling off from the party, scared that he would be recognized.
Luckily, he found a copse of trees to dismount from, well within the range for him to hear Moira’s words to the clans that were gathered.
The approaching party had brought everyone out of their tents and Tavin recognized many of the tartans present, some that he would rather forget. These were the powerful clans, the ones that his da wanted to be a part of.
Where Moira and her new husband would belong.
Tavin crushed the reins in his hand. There would be another bloody Scot touching Moira for the first time, planting his seed in her belly and sharing her bed. She would kiss another with the same passion she had kissed him last night, give him that smile that Tavin wanted to be for himself only.
Most of all, she would give her heart to another and over time, he would become just a distant memory.
Or a curse that she wished she had never met if his secret got out.
“Friends!” Moira said suddenly, her voice ringing out over the silent camp. “I welcome you to McPherson land! Please accept these hogs for your supper this evening and the games will begin with earnest tomorrow. I hope that we can find peace during this time as we are all children of Scotland.”
Cheers erupted and Tavin watched as her men unloaded the hogs and ale from the wagons, Moira greeting those that cared to do the same to her.
If there had been any doubt that Moira could be part of the great clans of Scotland, the great lairds that had fought their own battles and etched their names in history, some of that doubt was squashed given the reaction she had just received.
Tavin swallowed as he leaned against the tree, aching to be one of those clansmen that Moira would greet warmly, her eyes twinkling with delight. Once she learned who he truly was, she would hate him.
They all did. There was nothing he could do about who he was or where he had come from.
Tavin could only hope that with time, she could forgive him for the pain he would cause and that maybe one day, they would meet just as she was with the other clans right now, his family name restored and if nothing else, mutual respect for what he had done to protect his family.
Somehow Tavin doubted that would ever happen.
Moira found him as they rode back into the courtyard, dismounting beside him. “I am glad ye joined me this morn,” she said, patting the horse’s neck. “Though I failed tae see ye at the actual camp.”
“I was there,” Tavin said, not giving her any more information. “I heard yer speech.”
She cocked her head to the side, her eyes seeing what he was desperately trying to cover. “What is it Tavin? What’s happened? Was it because of last night?”
Tavin clenched his jaw. “No. Leave it be Moira.”
She opened her mouth, but another walked over at that moment and Tavin shoved away from the horse, heading into the village instead. He couldn’t talk to her about the reason he had avoided the camp and his change in attitude.
Bloody hell, I can’t talk to myself much less her. What would I say? Would I tell her the truth and watch as her affection turned to hate? I cannot. I never want to see the hurt in her eyes like that, even though I am going to put that hurt there.
But he would be long gone by the time her hurt would harden to hate for him and his family. Then she would join the long line of Scots that spat when they said his surname, giving the looks that he had grown used to.
Tavin walked into the barn and scared the groom that was there, who hastily bowed and backed out of the building, likely because of the angered look on Tavin’s face.
He couldn’t stop what was to come, but at this moment, he desperately wished he could.