Chapter 18 Masika
MASIKA
Sleep was an elusive beast. It lingered in the periphery of Masika’s mind, taunting her with the promise of rest. If she could sleep, she could silence her thoughts, if only for a brief moment.
She could slip away from anxiety’s pointed claws, hiding from the interminable doubt that plagued her nearly every waking moment.
And it wasn’t like she hadn’t tried—she had.
She’d closed her eyes and willed her mind to stop, desperately attempting to convince her body to succumb to the darkness… but she couldn’t.
She felt too restless.
Too shaken.
It had grown worse since they’d settled for the night, camping just beyond the willow tree.
They’d collectively decided to resume their trek toward the next clue the following morning, allowing for the initial shock of the day’s events to wear off.
It appeared the new map would lead them farther east, snaking a path through the forest, stopping at a strange outcropping marked by what seemed to be a small building.
Masika winced as she recalled the way the tree roots had wrapped themselves around her neck, squeezing the air out of her lungs.
The whole thing had left her feeling off-kilter.
Not to mention the fact that they’d nearly lost Olivier.
She still wasn’t sure how he’d managed to get free of the roots.
Maybe it had simply been a delayed reaction after the final riddle.
But Masika had sworn she’d felt something when she’d placed her hand on Olivier’s shoulder. A strange jolt. A current.
It was probably nothing.
Just her imagination playing tricks on her.
Now Masika shifted beneath her flimsy blanket, desperate to get comfortable.
The ground was hard and uneven, bits of earth digging into her spine.
The starless sky provided no light, just a vast blanket of darkness, an empty void.
Before retiring, Catherine had lit a small fire, which currently illuminated the slumbering crew in a wispy orange glow.
Emilio and Olivier were curled in toward one another, knuckles brushing, their chests rising and falling in almost perfect synchronization.
Next to them, Dina slept with her hands still wrapped around her daggers and Benji cuddled up on her stomach.
The healer slept beside her, the ghost of a smile on her lips.
And then there was Catherine.
She was sleeping far away enough that Masika couldn’t touch her, but close enough that she could see the details of Catherine’s face in the warm haze of the campfire.
Her tawny hair, which she usually fashioned into an array of intricate braids, had come undone throughout the day.
Now, a few loose strands brushed the delicate skin of her temples, with one particular tendril resting against her lips.
Masika resisted the urge to scoot close enough to tuck the loose strand of hair behind Catherine’s ear.
It was a gesture she normally wouldn’t have hesitated to make.
But that was before. And now…now the mere thought of touching Catherine filled Masika with dizzying fear.
But still, those old memories clung to her, unwilling to let go.
Masika and Catherine were in the Main Yard, lying on a blanket, Masika’s head resting on Catherine’s lap.
They’d just finished a rather grueling psyche exam, and Masika could still feel the stubborn aftereffects coursing through her body, the familiar exhaustion that accompanied mind-focused tests.
Catherine seemed equally drained, though Masika couldn’t help but notice there was something different about the other girl.
A detached, faraway look in her eyes that sent a strange chill down Masika’s spine.
“What are you thinking about?” Masika asked, looking up at Catherine. When the other girl answered, her voice barely floated over the gentle whistle of the breeze.
“The past.”
Masika tensed. Catherine had never spoken of her past before—it was a decision she vehemently defended. She didn’t believe in rehashing what had already happened. In clinging to a life that was no longer hers.
“You mean…the past past?” Masika asked, sitting up on her elbows.
Catherine nodded.
“The night it happened…” she whispered, still staring out into the distance, “it was raining.”
Masika held her breath. She’d always hoped Catherine would open up to her about her past, but she also couldn’t help but feel as though this sudden decision to bring up her old life had less to do with opening up, and more to do with something troubling.
Something darker.
“You don’t have to talk about—” Masika began, but Catherine interrupted, finally tearing her gaze away from the distance and looking down at Masika.
“I want to,” she said, a seriousness in her voice.
Masika felt herself nod. “Okay.”
Silence stretched between them. Catherine swallowed, fingers nervously fidgeting with a loose thread on the blanket.
“I wasn’t sick,” she finally whispered after what felt like an eternity of silence.
Masika blinked, taken aback. “What?”
“I know I told you that my death was brought about by sickness,” Catherine explained, voice wavering, “but…that’s not true.”
Masika’s chest twisted, her breaths quickening.
She wasn’t sure what it was exactly about Catherine’s confession, but it sent a current of panic through her limbs.
A part of her couldn’t help but feel a slight sting of betrayal.
Masika’s death had come to her after years of grueling sickness—after years of IV drips and hospital visits and endless rounds of medication.
She had connected with Catherine because of their shared suffering. Or at least, she thought she had.
“Go on.” Masika nodded encouragingly despite the knot in her throat.
“My life…it was…it was taken from me.” As soon as the words left Catherine’s lips, a gasp sprang from Masika’s throat.
“By someone I trusted. By someone I loved.” Catherine’s voice wobbled as she regained her composure.
“I know I shouldn’t have lied to you. But I… I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”
Masika sat up, fully turning to face Catherine.
“I’m so sorry.” Even as she said the words, she knew they weren’t enough. Nothing could ever be enough to heal a wound like that.
“Ever since, I’ve…I’ve felt so out of control,” Catherine continued.
Tears welled behind her eyes, her chest shuddering as her breaths quickened.
“Not only was my life taken from me, but…then to end up here? Without a choice? Unable to decide my own fate?” A strange lilt of anger twisted her words, though it faded when her eyes found Masika’s again.
“And then I met you. And I just…I wanted to be good for you. Happy. Free from those burdens and feelings and just…I guess I just wanted to match your light.”
Masika gripped Catherine’s hand tightly.
“You don’t need to hide anything from me,” Masika said.
Catherine chuckled, though her eyes remained downcast. “You say that now…”
“Catherine,” Masika interjected, sitting up. She cupped the other girl’s face tenderly in her hands. “Listen to me. There is nothing you could do that would ever change the way I feel about you. Nothing.”
Catherine’s eyes bored into Masika’s. There was something lingering there, something just beyond what Masika could see. Unspoken words. The desire to say more, tempered by something dangerously close to fear.
“My little dove…” Catherine smiled. “I truly, truly hope not.”
As the present came rushing back in, Masika clamped her hands firmly around her knees, tugging her legs in toward her chest.
Just lie back down, Masika thought, coaxing her body into slumber. Close your eyes. But no amount of self-soothing seemed to be enough to still the nervous energy fluttering inside her chest. To eradicate the old memories from her consciousness.
She was about to go for a walk in an effort to calm her mind when she heard a voice.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
Masika tensed. She knew who it was, though her eyes remained glued to the fire.
It was impossible not to recognize Catherine’s voice.
Even when they had been apart, even when it had been years since they’d last been together, Masika had often dreamed of Catherine’s voice calling out to her, whispering to her in the night.
They were more like nightmares, really. She would hear Catherine’s voice, but never find her.
Would reach for the ghost of her in the dark.
But this wasn’t a dream. Now Catherine was here. And somehow, that terrified Masika more than any nightmare ever could.
“I rarely can these days,” Masika replied. With as much courage as she could muster, she allowed herself to tear her eyes away from the fire and look at Catherine. The other girl was still lying in the same position, but her eyes were open, looking up at Masika with a burning intensity.
Catherine dug her hand into the dirt, letting the small grains slip between her fingertips. Masika watched, mesmerized, as the other girl began to draw intricate shapes in the dirt, swirling patterns that reminded Masika of the violet runes used to dismantle illusions.
“For a moment there…” Catherine hesitated, her voice shallow, “back at the willow tree…” She swallowed, as if the memory pained her. She blinked and cleared her throat. “I thought I’d lost you.”
Masika flinched. Something uncomfortable stirred inside her.
“You did lose me,” she replied, unable to soften the ire in her voice. “A long time ago.”
Catherine sat up, pushing the blanket away from her body. “Masika—”
“No,” Masika interjected, raising a hand. “You’re right. No point in rehashing the past, right? What’s done is done. You left. I stayed. There’s no changing that.”
“I know,” Catherine snapped, voice shaking.
Her expression, which was usually so composed under the stoic mask she wore, had fractured.
A tidal wave of emotions seemed to sweep across her face.
“Okay? I know what I did was reprehensible. It was selfish and cruel and I’ve had to live with it all these years.
But I do not regret leaving you behind at Blackwood.
If I hadn’t snapped out of it, if the Resistance hadn’t saved me, I’d have lost myself completely to the shadows.
I’d be plotting to destroy Blackwood, and everybody inside it… including you.”
Masika’s chest heaved as she drew in a quivering breath. “But you’re not anymore. You made it out. You left—”
“You think it’s that simple?” Catherine thrust her arm out, lifting the sleeve of her shirt.
Masika gasped when she saw what lay just beneath…
shadows. They ran through her veins, drifting like an ink-soaked river.
“This is the price I pay. These shadows will never leave me. My humanity is gone. Forever. I am bound to this place. There is no Other Side for me anymore. I have no ending. I am branded. Forced to exist with a constant fucking reminder of the worst decision I’ve ever made. ”
Masika opened her mouth, searching for the right words, but came up blank.
“Becoming a Demien isn’t a decision you can undo,” Catherine continued, pain lacing every word.
She scooted closer, looking up at Masika, her own eyes brimming with regret.
“I was so ashamed of myself. Not only that I had left you…but why I had left. To be so weak that I truly thought the only way to take back control of my existence was to leave you and join the Order. I thought…I thought you’d think of me differently.
That you’d be able to see my humanity missing from my soul. That you’d hate me for it.”
Masika flinched. Would she have? Would she have seen Catherine any differently? But there was no point in theorizing, not when the answer was already abundantly clear. She’d known the answer the moment she laid eyes on Catherine again.
The confession was a hushed whisper.
“I could never hate you.”
Catherine’s eyes flitted down to Masika’s lips for the briefest moment before returning to her eyes. When she spoke next, her voice was dangerously low. It rumbled inside Masika like thunder. Like waves crashing against a shoreline.
“Even now?”
Silence stretched between them. Masika’s breaths quickened. Her hands trembled.
“Does it feel like I hate you?” she whispered.
Catherine hesitated, considering her question.
She reached out her hand, the movement tentative, and placed her palm delicately upon Masika’s cheek.
The moment Catherine’s palm made contact with Masika’s skin, a rush of warmth coursed through Masika’s body.
A terrifying need to bottle this moment, to memorize every detail of it.
“I used to be able to look at you and know exactly what you were thinking.” Catherine’s words echoed between them. Her face was mere inches from Masika’s now. So close that Masika could imagine the delicate brush of her lips against her own. “Your wants. Your needs. With just one look.”
Masika kept her gaze anchored on Catherine. “And now what do you see?”
Tell me, Masika begged silently. Please.
“I see…” Catherine gnawed on the inside of her cheek.
A battle was erupting inside her—too many emotions for Masika to keep track of.
And right when Masika thought she might actually do it, that Catherine might finally heal that festering wound between them, the other girl retracted her hand, placing it upon her lap.
“Nothing,” Catherine muttered, her voice even. Unfeeling. “I see nothing.”
Masika flinched as if Catherine’s words had been a slap across the face.
Nothing.
I see nothing.
Catherine awkwardly shifted onto her feet. She dusted her hands on her pants, staring up at the dark sky.
“I should make some rounds.”
Masika chuckled bitterly to herself. “Right.”
There was a second of hesitation as Catherine stood there, eyes awkwardly shifting from the looming darkness of the forest back to Masika, and then she was unsheathing her spear and striding off, disappearing into the night.
Masika held her breath, willing the hot tears burning behind her eyes to stay put.
Ever since she’d arrived back at the Resistance, a secret part of Masika, however small, had hoped there would be a way for the two of them to find their way back to one another. A way to take the broken pieces that remained and put them back together into something worth saving.
But that secret part of her was destroyed in that moment with one conversation.
One word.
Nothing.